


Thunderbirds

by wraithe



Series: Thunderbirds [1]
Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: Alcohol, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Language, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Smut, awkward treehouse sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2018-10-30 07:55:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 47
Words: 138,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10872471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wraithe/pseuds/wraithe
Summary: In mid-90's L.A., Jane wanders into a diner and ends up encountering two brothers who influence her in more ways than one."If Roger hadn't been having ridiculously loud and acrobatic sex, if I hadn't grabbed that hat on my way out, if I hadn't ended up at that diner, if I had been in a bad mood and shooed away the drunk instead of sharing my fries with him.... thirty seconds total maybe of left turn/right turn, a or b type decisions had led me there. Thirty seconds."





	1. Chapter 1

    I re-seated my headphones before turning the volume up to its maximum level. Ideally, I would be working in silence, I wasn't the type that usually kept a playlist going while I was writing, but Roger and his bimbo du jour were making too much racket for me to even hear myself think, let alone write. I had given up and gone to bed initially, but the plot swirling in my head would not let me sleep and I had soon found myself back at my desk, pen in hand, desperately trying to get my thoughts down before they were gone altogether. I tried to ignore the groaning and shouting that still bled through the blasting sounds of Brian Molko's trademark nasal vocals, but when something or someone bashed into the shared wall so forcefully that the cup full of pens on my desk turned over and sent its contents spilling I threw the headphones off in frustration. I knew from volumes of experience that asking Roger to tone it down was a waste of breath so I changed out of my pajamas, threw my notebooks and supplies into a backpack and headed out to find somewhere quieter to work. Like a construction site or busy train station. On the way out the door I saw my favorite hat, a brightly colored Laplander with a ridge of yarn approximating a Mohawk down the center, and even though it wasn't really cold in enough in L.A. this time of year for that, I hadn't fixed my hair after getting back up so I pulled it on before heading out of the apartment door.

    I really didn't know where I was going. It was 1 a.m., and though L.A. is full of late night spots I really didn't know many of them. All of my time was spent working two jobs to try to keep a roof over my head and save up enough money to finish school and writing. I was always writing. Even while I walked and plotted my revenge on Roger, in the back of my mind characters were interacting, I was changing out words and sentences, questioning motivations and debating plot structure. I was so lost in the zone I was actually sort of surprised when I stumbled on the nearly deserted diner. I figured it would be the perfect place to continue working though.

I found the quietest booth I could, as far away from the potentially noisy counter as possible and spread my writing implements out. The place was empty save for a few older men at the counter and a couple of teenagers in a corner booth who were feeding each other french fries and necking. The waitress was with me quickly, a middle aged woman that looked so much the part of late night diner waitress that I wondered if she had been hired or cast. Either one was possible I suppose, this was L.A. after all. I looked at her name tag. Maxine. Of course it was. I ordered some fries and a Coke, pulled my hat down as far as I could and tucked back into my work.

    I don't remember Maxine coming back with my food. By the time I noticed they were there, the fries were cold and my drink was warm. As I added ketchup to my plate I realized the diner was filling back up, presumably with the after-bar crowd. I started on my fries and wondered if Roger and his date had finished their Olympic class shenanigans or if I should hang here a little while longer. I looked at my watch. 2:44 am. They were probably starting with round two (or three? I had to give the guy his props, he did have some stamina) by now. Best to just stay.

    The door jingled open again and this time two young men came through. The shorter of the two stumbled drunkenly to the booth next to me, followed by his friend, who seemed to more or less sober but somewhat irritated. Just as he was about to sit down, the drunk one noticed me and flashed a wide grin. Instead of sliding into a seat in the adjoining booth he sidled in across from me.

    “Hey! Great hat!” he said, leaning across the table so he was inches from my face. “Jay! Look at her hat!”

    “Jesus Shannon, leave the girl alone,” the taller of the pair said. “Come sit over here and behave yourself.” He turned back towards the counter where Maxine was currently serving up plates of burgers. “Can we got a couple coffees please?”

    Shannon made no effort to move, however. “Oh coffee, yes let's get coffee!” He turned to me and gave a lopsided blink that I think was supposed to be a wink. “I like coffee.” He looked down at my plate. “French Fries! Jay, get some french fries too!”

    I looked up at his companion who gave the sigh of the long put-upon friend that I knew all too well from years of dealing with Roger. He mouthed a “Sorry” at me. I shrugged. I figured I was done writing for the night anyways and I had some time to kill before the apartment would be quiet again. Besides, the guys were extremely cute and it was a public, well-lit space and about as safe as anywhere. I pushed my fries over to Shannon who immediately started eating them. With a laugh, I gestured to the bench next to him. “I think he's here to stay. You might as well join us. Jay is it?”

    He looked around for a second and then slid into the booth, scooting his french fry scarfing companion to the side as he did so. “It's Jared actually. This is Shannon.”

    “Hi, Jared. I'm Jane.” He was even better looking close up, soft brown hair, bright blue eyes, and the cutest little upturned nose. “I have a Shannon too. His name is Roger. He always gets into trouble when we go out.”

    “Hey!” Shannon waved a french fry in my general direction. “I'll have you know I'm quite the gentleman!” Jared looked at him with a cocked eyebrow.

    “Really?” I said.

    “No.” Shannon roared with laughter, the joke far funnier to him than us. “But I'm cute so I get away with a lot.” He batted his eyes at me, long lashes framing warm hazel eyes, that wicked grin never leaving his face. He probably got away with murder, that one.

    “So Jane,” Jared tried to deflect the conversation, “What are you doing by yourself in a diner at almost three in the morning?”

    “Avoiding my roommate,” I told him. “Or more to the point, avoiding my roommate and his very loud... date.”

“Would that be the Roger you mentioned?”

“Yeah. I was trying to get some writing done. It was a lot quieter here when I came in.”

    Maxine appeared beside us then with their two cups of coffee, setting them down on the table before handing menus to the guys. “Can I get you two anything besides the coffee tonight?”

    Jared moved a cup over in front of Shannon. “Can I get a couple orders of fries?”

    “And eggs!” Shannon added, blowing on his coffee. “I want eggs! With runny yolks.”

    Jared grimaced. “A couple of eggs too I guess.” He looked at me. “You want anything else? My treat, since you're being such a good sport.”

    “Maybe just a fresh order of fries?”

    Jared gave the waitress a smile. “You heard the pretty lady, Maxine. Fries all around.” He looked over at Shannon who was spinning the salt shaker around the table, sending grains scattering across the surface. He snatched the dispenser away from him. “And keep the coffee coming too please.”

    “I'll bring you a fresh Coke too, hon.” She said as she gathered the menus back up and was gone. I started putting my notebooks and pens away, afraid Shannon was going to spill something on them any minute. He apparently was one of those happy but incorrigible drunks; it was a bit like having a toddler a the table. He noticed what I was doing and started to help.

    “So, Jane,” he said, drawing out my name and emphasizing it as he batted his eyelashes at me again, “Got a boyfriend?”

    “Oh my god,” I laughed.

    Jared cringed. “I'm sorry. My brother thinks he has game when he's drunk.” He looked Shannon, shaking his head. “He doesn't.”

    “Brothers huh?”

    Shannon threw his arms around Jared and gave him a big kiss on the cheek. “Yup, this is my baby brother, Jared.” Jared smiled sheepishly.

    “So what's in the notebooks?” Jared asked as I stowed the last one in my backpack.

    I thought about lying and saying it was school work. I was very self-conscious about my writing. “Oh, just some writing I was doing,” I ended up replying as nonchalantly as possible.

   “Like for a class or something?”

    “No. It's a story I've been working on.” I concentrated on bunching up my straw wrapper which still lay on the table, trying not to look at those blazing blue eyes of his. What was with these brothers and their completely different but completely mesmerizing eyes?

    “Oh, writing as in you're a writer!” Jared said brightly. I looked up, expecting a condescending expression on his face, but there was no trace of it there. “That's really cool. Have you published anything yet? Have you been at it for long?”

    His enthusiasm threw me for a second. “Uh, well, I had a couple short stories published in a periodical back home. I mean I didn't get paid or anything but I got some nice reviews. I haven't actually sold anything yet but I'm still trying to finish college so we'll see.”

    Jared nodded. “Well, you just have to keep working at it. That's the best way to improve your art, always. Lots of repetition.”

    “Oh, I agree,” I said. “I write any time I get a spare minute. I've wanted to be a writer since I was ten years old.”

    “What kind of things do you write?”

    I shrugged. “Different things. Mostly just short stories, just sort of general fiction things. I've dabbled in writing horror, I really like horror but I'm not as good at writing it.”

    “Well, you have to keep at that too, if that's what you want to do.” He flashed me another smile, probably meant to dazzle me in the same way Shannon's had been. It wasn't exactly not working. “Maybe you'll let me read something some time?”

    I cringed internally. Why did everyone want to read something the minute you told them you write? He was probably just saying it to be polite or charming but it made me squirm uncomfortably. I decided to change the subject. “How about you? What do you do? Are you chasing something too or did you already find it?”

   “Ha!” Shannon burst out, giving his brother a playful shove to the shoulder. “She doesn't recognize you.”

    “Shut up Shannon,” Jared said quickly.

    Shit. I hoped this wasn't about to turn into a “Don't you know who I am?” thing. The brothers had seemed so nice and down to earth. If I was uncomfortable a minute ago I was downright mortified now.

    “I'm sorry. Should I know you?”

     “It's okay. I'm an actor but I haven't really done that much.” I could swear at this point Jared kicked Shannon under the table. “I don't know if I'm going to keep up with it though. I got a call back for this movie which is kind of a big break but ….” he trailed off, starting to look as uncomfortable as I felt. “Actually Shannon and I are working on a band”

    “Oh, you guys are musicians?” Jared nodded and gave me a soft smile. He seemed more comfortable talking about that than about the acting so I went with it. “That's great. You should do what makes you happy if you can.”

    Shannon gave the table a few rhythmic smacks. “I play drums,” he said with the simple enthusiasm of a six-year-old. I couldn't help but laugh.

    “Well, the next time you guys play you'll have to let me know so I can come,” I said, sincerely hoping I'd get to see these two around again. I was already taking a liking to them.

    “I'd like that,” Jared said. “We'll have to meet up.” He smiled warmly and I felt my cheeks flush. The longer he sat there across from me, the more I began to think he was possibly the best looking guy I had seen up close. This was saying something as my best friend and roommate Roger was a model, who was constantly dragging other models home with him. I was used to gorgeous. It paraded through my home on a regular basis. This guy was more than that.

    Shannon chose that moment to snatch the hat off my head and put it on his own, revealing my riotous blonde curls. I tried to smooth them out but gave up when neither guy seemed to take any notice of my bed head. Instead, Shannon was playing with the hat and making goofy faces while Jared tried to get the hat away from him. By the time my hat was returned to me we were all breathless with laughter.

    Maxine reappeared then with plates of fries and Shannon's eggs. The confiscated salt shaker was reproduced, ketchup was passed around and we sat there talking about music and dreams while Shannon dipped fries into his runny egg yolks and Jared and I wrinkled our noses at him. I liked them both, they were bright and funny and even though I sensed they were absolute terrors when they got going they were really very sweet through the whole meal. As Shannon sobered up he got quieter and quieter, letting Jared and me carry most of the conversation. We were discussing a trip I had taken to Brazil the summer after I graduated high school when I realized it had gotten light outside.

    “Oh my god, what time is it?” I checked my watch and saw it was nearing 6 am. I had been at the diner for four hours now, two and a half of them talking with Jared and Shannon. “Shit. I have to book guys, I have to be at work in a couple hours.” As I grabbed my backpack, Shannon shoved a napkin at me.

    “Hey, at least give me your number so I can invite you to come hear us play. You offered after all,” he reminded me.

    I smiled and scrawled the digits on the flimsy diner napkin. “I don't really get out much, but that would be great. I would totally be there.”

    He gave me that lopsided blink/wink again and, just for a second, I felt that pleasant, familiar tingle in my stomach. Both of these brothers were definitely having an effect on me. I decided to high-tail it out of there as quickly as possible before I got myself into real trouble. Jared stood up as I did and waited until I had my backpack in place then gave me a big hug.

    'It was nice to meet you, Jane. I hope we see you again soon.”

    And just like that, I was heading out the door and the chance encounter was over. If Roger hadn't been having ridiculously loud and acrobatic sex, if I hadn't grabbed that hat on my way out, if I hadn't ended up at that diner, if I had been in a bad mood and shooed away the drunk instead of sharing my fries with him.... thirty seconds total maybe of left turn/right turn, a or b type decisions had led me there. Thirty seconds.

    I had not yet begun to appreciate the irony of that.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Roger was already out of the apartment by the time I got off shift at the print shop and I was so tired from staying up the night before that I`ended up crashing immediately. I was back out the door at five the next morning for a shift at my second job, and by the time I got home from that he was gone again. We barely saw each other until we were able to sit down for a dinner together three days later.

“Who's Shannon?” Roger asked as he handed me a bowl of pasta.

I looked at him in confusion. I knew I hadn't had a chance to mention anything about the brothers from the diner yet. “Why? How do you know about Shannon?”

“He called and left a message for you.” Roger sat down and passed me some garlic bread. “Said something about a party with live music?” He was eyeing me intently now, waiting for more information. Roger could not stand not being in the know about anything. We had been best friends since we were ten and in all the time I had known him he always had to be the center of attention. I enjoy having one up on him occasionally though, so I thought I'd string him along.

“Oh, that's nice.” I put some salad on my plate and picked at it with my fork, not even looking up at Roger. “So did you get more dish soap while you were out today? We were running pretty low.”

“Don't be a twat, Jane,” Roger said as he pulled my plate away. “Who's Shannon?”

“Apparently he's a guy who knows where a party is.” I said evasively.

“Since when do you go to parties with strange guys?” Roger said, already sounding irritated. I swallowed the smile that was trying to sneak out and tried to sound as bored as possible.

“I didn't say I was going to a party. Sounds like maybe this Shannon is though.” I grabbed for my plate and Roger raised it over his head.

“So you don't know who he is?”

“I didn't say that.” I picked up my wine glass and leaned back, enjoying the moment. “You're the one who said he was a strange guy.”

Roger glared at me. “I've known you for eleven years and you have never, not once, not ever, mentioned a guy named Shannon.”

“Well maybe he's my married 45-year-old boyfriend and we were too ashamed of our love to let anyone else know. “

“Jane....”

I was on a roll now, I could feel the writer in me spinning herself up. “I mean, it's always been difficult for us, what with society's disapproval, and then after he deflowered me when I was fourteen, the legal ramifications, but now that I'm going to be having his baby....”

Roger let the plate fall back to the table with a thud. “Fine, don't tell me. Hateful bitch.”

I laughed. Roger had no patience. “Okay okay. Sunday night while you were back here making sweet tender love to your long term committed lady friend ….”

“You mean banging that chick against the wall while I tried to remember what her name was?”

I sighed. “It was Brooke. I heard her tell you twice while you two were stumbling back to your bedroom.”

Roger shrugged. “Not the point and not relevant as she's long gone. Continue.”

“The point is you guys were knocking stuff over and being so loud people in San Diego were calling in noise complaints. So I went for a walk and ended up at this diner.” We went back to eating our pasta as I gave him a quick run down of the meeting at the diner.

“So are you going to the party?” Roger asked in conclusion.

“When did he say it was?”

“Saturday. And I know you're not working so you can't use that as an excuse.”

I was torn really. I had never been much of a party girl, but I really wanted to see these two again. Jared especially. I know Shannon was the one doing most of the flirting but there was an intensity to Jared that I found really appealing. Plus, I had promised to go see them.

“Did he leave a number or....”

Roger pointed to a piece of paper tacked to the front of the fridge. “Just an address. He said that things get going around 11.”

“Come with me?” Parties were out of my comfort zone but I thought maybe if Roger was there...

“Can't. Going up to Big Sur for a long weekend with Pete and Jefferson.” He patted me on the back. “You can do it all by yourself. You're a big girl now. I believe in you.”

“Roger the last time I went out was for my 21st birthday. Remember that? I got so drunk on sloe gin I lost one of my shoes and ended up eating two bacon cheeseburgers.”

“Oh it wasn't so bad...”

“I've been a vegetarian since I was ten. I ended up puking in the bathroom the rest of the night.”

“Like I don't know this. It was a great night out. You're just a pussy.” He started gathering up the dinner plates. “Besides, who was it that was there next to you holding your hair back the entire time?”

“Who was it that bought me the drinks and the cheeseburgers in the first place?” I laughed. “If the point you were trying to make was that you are a shit chaperone, I would say mission accomplished.”

“See?” Roger beamed brightly. “You don't need me. Go party it up all by yourself.”

I laughed again as Roger flicked the dishtowel at me, shooing me out of the kitchen. “I've got the cleanup, you go figure out what you're going to wear.” He watched me walk back to my room, offering a parting shot as I closed the door. “Go find your inner slut, be free! Spread your wings. Or legs. Before you get cobwebs! Go!”

 


	3. Chapter 3

By the time Saturday rolled around I was so looking forward to seeing Jared and Shannon again I practically hummed all the way to the address Shannon had provided.  It turned out to be a large house party reminiscent of those I had attended in college, complete with a good sized crowd and kegs on tap. There was live music but it really didn’t seem to be a band, just some friends jamming together.  The lineup kept changing.  There was no sign of either Jared or Shannon.

I milled around for a bit, nursing my way through a couple of beers, feeling very out of place in this close pressed group of strangers. After about an hour of waiting, I was thinking about heading out when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

“So, are you here by yourself or did you lose track of your date?”

I turned around to see a blonde guy in a polo shirt smiling broadly at me. He was leaned in way too close, using the noise of the party as pretext to invade my personal space. This was yet another reason I hated parties.

“I’m supposed to be meeting someone here.” I shouted over the din. “I’m sure they’re around, it’s just crowded and I’m having a hard time spotting them.”

I went to step away but he moved in front of me.  “Well hey, let’s look for them together? Guy or girl?” He gave me another broad smile. He was probably trying to look helpful and harmless but there was something  unsettling about him.  

“Guy. Two of them actually.” I watched his reaction to see if he would deflate a bit when he realized I wasn’t alone but if he was bothered by the thought of two male protectors possibly lurking around the corner he masked it well.  Instead he threw his arm around my shoulder.

“Well then let’s see if we can’t find them for you.  What’s your name or should I just call you Beautiful?”

Ugh. I leaned away but he just pulled me in tighter.  Desperately I scanned the room, hoping to see some sign of either Shannon or Jared.

“I’m Jane.  And really, it’s okay, I’m just fine on my own.” I noticed the guy had not asked anything about my missing friends that might help identify them. He wasn’t even trying very hard to pretend to want to help.

He grabbed the edge of my plastic beer cup and peered into it.  “Looks like you’re running low there.  Why don’t we get you a refill while we wait for your friends, okay?”

I was about to say how very not okay that would be when someone bumped into me from behind, knocking my cup out of my hand.  Unfortunately, it did not spill on the leering jackal who was pawing me.

“Oh God, I am so sorry!” A small redheaded girl wearing enough eye makeup to spackle a bathroom started patting me down apologetically before throwing her arms around my neck.  “There you are!  I’ve been looking for you for like an hour now!” She cast her gaze on the guy who had been talking to me.  “You can fuck off now Cliff.” She took me by the hand leading me away.  As soon as we were out of earshot she stopped.

“That drink I spilled, he didn’t give it to you did he?”

“Um, no?” I replied, confused.  

“Good.” She leaned in and looked at my face closely.  “He didn’t touch anything you were eating or drinking right?’

“No.” I could see where this was going.  “I was only talking to him for about two minutes.  He didn’t have time to slip me anything I don’t think.”

“Well sorry about knocking your drink out of your hands like that but better safe than sorry.  He roofied a friend of mine a few months ago but we got to her before he could do anything.  Guy’s a real piece of shit but no one has enough on him to get him arrested so we just kind of keep an eye on him.”  She looked me up and down.  “I don’t think I’ve seen you before, you here with a friend?”

“I was supposed to be.  A couple of them but they didn’t show.”

“Ugh, that sucks, I hate it when my friends flake on me like that.”  She grabbed me by the upper arm and headed towards where the keg was set up.  “I’m Hailey, by the way.  Let’s get you a new drink and introduce you to some folks.”

It turned out Hailey was sociology grad student who shared my love of cooking and horror films and had a bevvy of quirky friends who were all too happy to meet the new girl.  Before I knew it it was 1 a.m. and I had a handful of new phone numbers and promises to to ‘hang sometime soon’. I was about to head out when I noticed the band was shuffling out members again.  To my delight, I spotted Jared, guitar in hand.  There was, however, no sign of Shannon.

The band started on a cover of “L.A. Woman”.  They were really pretty good, and in addition to playing guitar Jared was doing an impressive job with the lead vocals.  I noticed a lot more people had stopped to pay attention to the music, especially the ladies in the crowd.  I had to admit, Jared was definitely pleasant to look at.  I wondered if this happened often.

After just the one song Jared handed the guitar off to someone else and made his way out into the crowd.  He was immediately surrounded, girls circling and flirting and just generally vying for his attention.  He seemed to be eating it up, flirting back just as hard. Just the thought of trying to make my way through that group to say hello made my stomach clench. At that moment I was acutely aware of my unruly hair, my over abundance of freckles, my lack of a California tan or any sense of style. I wondered if maybe I should wait until the crowd parted and let him know I had shown up or just go home now.  After all it was Shannon who had invited me, not Jared, and he was nowhere to be seen.  I stood there indecisively for a minute, trying not to let my anxiety and self doubt get more than their fair vote.  Then somehow Jared noticed me, waving me over from inside his circle of admirers.  

“Hey Jane, where’s Shannon? I tried to wait for him before I started playing but they guys were getting impatient.”

I was confused.  “What do you mean where’s Shannon? I haven’t seen him.”

Jared looked back at me with the same confusion I was displaying.  “Wait I thought he was with you.  He saw you come in a couple hours ago and said he was going to talk to you.  I haven’t seen him since.”

This was strange.  “No, I haven’t seen him at all.”

Jared got a very worried look on his face.  “Shit.  Help me look for him?”

“Yeah, okay.  What was he wearing?”

“Jeans and a black concert tee.” Jared was no longer looking at me, already searching the room with his eyes. “You okay with splitting up or you want to stick with me?”  

“I’m sure I’ll be fine.  Meet back here in 15 minutes?” Jared nodded and walked off so I started in the other direction. The place was packed by now, and poorly lit, and finding anybody here was going to be no small feat, let alone someone in a black t-shirt and jeans.  I ended up tapping several short dark haired guys on the back, only to find they were someone else.  Eventually I found a door that lead to a basement staircase and took that.  

The basement was even more dimly lit than the rest of the house and was littered with people who were stretched over old sofas and pillows. There was an acrid smell in the air that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.  Squinting, I searched the room, nearly stumbling over a girl who was all but passed out on an old bean bag chair on the floor.  I was about to go back upstairs when I spotted Shannon, for real this time, stretched out on a sofa on the back wall.  Reaching him I jiggled his foot.  

“Jane!” he exclaimed when he realized who I was.  He sat up and pulled me into a sloppy hug.  “I was looking for you but I ran into Matty.” He gestured to the guy who reclining on the other end of the couch. “Do you know Matty?” he slurred.  

Shannon was sitting upright now but he was swaying softly back and forth and his eyelids were at half-mast.  I surveyed the scene around me again, realization setting in like a bucket of cold water. I shoved Shannon back off me.  “Jesus Shannon!  This is a fucking shooting gallery!” I punched him in the arm.  “What kind of fucking party did you invite me to? How fucking high are you?”

“Hey!” He rubbed his arm where I had punched it.  “I’m just drunk.  I swear. It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not fine. I’ve been wandering around by myself like an idiot and your brother is looking for you and I think he’s pissed.  You’ve been gone for hours.”

“Shit.” Shannon ran his fingers through his hair but made no move to get up. “Did he leave?”

Shaking my head, I leaned in close and looked at his pupils.  He swatted me away.  “I fucking told you I’m just drunk.”  He did smell like whiskey and beer.  “I suppose I’d better go upstairs.”

I lead the way, stopping in the center of the main room to wait for Jared.  Sure enough, when he showed up, he was livid.

“Where the fuck have you been? I thought we were playing tonight.”

Shannon looked at his feet.  “I’m sorry.  I ran into Matty…”

Jared immediately grabbed Shannon and gave his eyes the same examination I had given them a few minutes prior.  Shannon shoved him away.  “Yeah, I feel the trust man.”

“You get trust when you earn it.  You don’t get trust by disappearing for hours with your dealer and turning back up eight kinds of fucked up.”

Jared turned to me.  “Sorry, Jane.  Thanks for helping find him.  I think our evening is done though.”

“Screw that.” Shannon gave Jared a little shove.  “I just had a few Jack and Cokes.  You’re the one that’s being a douche-bag. I want to hang with Jane.”

“It looks to me like more than a few Jack and Cokes guy,” I interjected.  

“Do you really want to go home?” Shannon pouted at me.  “I can put my dancing shoes on. It’s still early.”

I wondered if we weren’t all over reacting.  It was a party after all, and he didn’t seem to be anything but drunk, regardless of where he had been hanging out.  I was feeling a little buzzed myself from the beers I had been drinking with Hailey earlier. I really didn’t want to spend the rest of the night babysitting though.  “Look, Shannon, maybe another time….”

“Coffee?” He looked at Jared, who still seemed pissed.  “We could go back to the diner again and have coffee and sober up.”

“ _We_ don’t need to sober up.” Jared glared at him.  

“I could use some fries.  I’m starving.” I said, trying to make a little peace.  I really didn’t want to go back home yet but I was completely done with this roller coaster ride of a party.  Shannon threw his arm around me.  

“See, Janey wants fries.” Jared glowered at him.  Shannon threw his arm around his little brother too, pulling us both in close.  “Come on, just the three of us again, it’ll be fun.”

Jared sighed and pulled Shannon’s arm off of him.  “Fine.  But you’re buying.”


	4. Chapter 4

This time we took a corner booth at the diner and I was tucked in between both guys as we shoveled food and coffee down Shannon once again.  I had my fries, and a milkshake and Shannon too had ordered fries, and a huge cheeseburger and a piece of chocolate silk pie, all of which he ate with a sloppy gusto that only drunks seem to manage. Jared, however, had nothing but coffee, even after Shannon reminded him several times he was picking up the bill.  He eventually stopped fuming but the playful mood he had been in the last time we met was nowhere to be found.  I felt like there was something else going on here, but I figured it was none of my business.  

   “So,” I began, trying to get Jared chatting, “you really seemed to have your own little fan club back at the party.  Is it always like that?”

   Shannon guffawed.  “You still haven’t told her!”

   “Told me what?” I looked at Jared who was suddenly intensely interested in stirring his coffee.  

   “Shut up Shannon,” he said through clenched teeth.  Shannon just laughed and took another bite of his cheeseburger.

   I tried changing tactics.  “Well, I could see why, if you do.  You have a really great voice.  I thought you were the best one there.”

   “Thanks.” He gave me the first smile I had seen from him since he realized Shannon had gone missing earlier.  “I’ve really been working on it.”

   “Well you’re doing something right, you sounded fantastic.” I was about to add that I wished I had gotten to see Shannon perform too but thought better of it.  

   “Did you have a good time?” Shannon asked.

   I snorted.  “Well let’s see.  I pretty much got stood up by the people who I was supposed to meet there…”

   Shannon frowned at me.  “Hey, we were there.”

   “Nowhere I could find you. So I ended up wandering around a house full of strangers. And while I was waiting and looking for you, some gross guy tried to roofie me.”

   “What?!” That stopped the smile on Jared’s face dead.  “What do you mean some guy tried to roofie you?”

   “It’s okay,” I said quickly. “This girl Hailey interrupted him before he did anything.”

   Jared clenched his fist around his coffee mug.  “You see him again you point him out to me.  I’ll take a baseball bat to his ass.”

   “It’s fine, really.” I tried to smooth things over.  “He didn’t actually do anything, and I got to meet Hailey and her friends, and they were pretty cool so there was that at least.”

   “Fuck I’m sorry.” Shannon looked really hurt.  “If I had been with you like I said I was going to be he wouldn’t have come anywhere near you.”

   “Yeah Shannon.  Where were you instead?”  Jared looked like he was about to resume his tantrum.  

   “It was fine.  I’m fine.  I swear.  I didn’t mean to make it sound like such a big deal.”  It was actually pretty scary to think what nearly happened,  but I didn’t want the brothers to start fighting again.  “I’m sure you would have come to my rescue if anything actually happened.”

   We sat in silence for several minutes while Jared stared into his coffee cup and Shannon picked at the fries left on his plate. I was lost for what to say, everything I mentioned seemed to loop back around to uncomfortable topics. Eventually, Shannon got up and excused himself to go for a smoke, leaving me alone with Jared.

   “I’m sorry,” he began.  “For tonight.   We invited you out and ditched you and Shannon….”  he trailed off, not seeming to know how to explain Shannon’s behavior.      I didn’t know if I should pry but he seemed to at least want to acknowledge what had happened.  

   “Do things like that happen a lot with him?” I asked.

   Jared shrugged, not looking up from his coffee cup.  “Sometimes.  He’s trying.  It’s just…” He shook his head.  “He has his demons you know?”

   “Most of us do.” I reached over and pulled Jared’s now empty coffee mug away from him, forcing him to look up at me.  “It’s good that you care.”

    “Do you have any siblings?” he asked.

    “I have a brother, but he’s like 12 years older than me so we’re not close,” I told him. “I mean, we certainly love each other and all, but he was out of the house when I was pretty young so we never really bonded that way.  He’s a great guy.  I just don’t really  have that kind of relationship with him.”

    “I don’t know what I’d do without Shannon.  We moved around a lot as kids and we didn’t always have friends but we always had each other.” Jared leaned back against the vinyl bench seat and gazed at his fingers. “I know it looks like I’m taking care of him, but he’s always been the one to care for me. He just needs some direction right now. He’ll get there.  And I really am sorry about the party. I should have gone looking for him when he didn’t come right back after going after you.  I just thought…”  He gave me a sly little half smile.

   “You thought what…” I asked.  Jared just shrugged, looking sheepish. Suddenly I realized what assumption he had made. “Oh my God! You thought we were hooking up didn’t you!”

   “Maybe.” I smacked his arm.  “Hey, not so hard!” he said with a laugh. “It’s not a crime or anything.”

   “Yeah but I barely know him.  Or you.”  I was embarrassed now. I didn’t want him to think I was the kind of girl who just slept with guys she barely knew at crowded parties.  Plus I wanted him to seem a little more put out by it. Maybe he wasn’t as interested as I thought.  I slouched back into my seat without another word.  After a few minutes of silence, Jared tried to apologize.

   “Okay, clearly I’ve said something wrong.  I wasn’t trying to imply anything about your honor or anything. It’s a party you know.  People, well…” he shrugged.  “People hook up.  It’s no big deal.”

   “It’s fine.  I’m being childish.”

   Jared gave me an odd look.  “Hmm. Do you do that a lot?”

   Now I was actually starting to get offended.  “Am I childish a lot? Really?”

   “No no no!” Jared backpedaled.  “I meant to say that you’re obviously not fine, you’re bothered by what I said, but you said you were fine anyways. You did that earlier too. Do you do that a lot? Say you’re fine when you’re not just to avoid a confrontation?”    

   For someone who hadn’t known me for long, he certainly had me pegged. “Yeah, actually I do.  I hate arguing.”

   “Well don’t do that for me.  I’d rather you yell at me than pretend things were okay when they’re not,” he said.  I laughed. “What?”

   “Well, now if I say okay, I won’t do it, am I saying it because I’m going to try to be more honest or because I just don’t want any more argument?”

   Jared gave me a look of exasperation.  “You’re a difficult one aren’t you?”    

   “I’m a challenge even to myself,” I replied, handing him back his coffee mug. We were still smiling at each other when Shannon sat back down.

   “Well,” he said, “looks like everyone is happier now?” He slid in closer and slipped his arm around my waist.  “I promise if you come back out next weekend I won’t let you out of my sight.”

   “Deal.”


	5. Chapter 5

Tuesday was my next day off, and after sleeping in late, I woke to a stormy, gray day. Half awake I stumbled into the kitchen only to find a naked man standing in front of the open refrigerator. Well, I guess Roger was back from Big Sur. I cleared my throat.

“Oh hi there!” he said brightly, utterly unbothered by his lack of apparel. He flashed me a big smile, full of perfectly aligned and blindingly white teeth that had to have cost thousands of dollars. He was tall and muscled, with an expensive haircut and perfect tan, looking well moisturized and exfoliated, not even an errant eyebrow hair. As he turned to fully face me, a quick reflexive glance told me that at least one part of him was still the way mother nature made it.

“Hi,” I said, suppressing a giggle.

He cheerily waved the mug in his hand. “I was just looking for something to put in my coffee.”

Presumably alerted by the sound of voices, at that moment Roger came bolting out of the bedroom, thankfully not naked.

“So, um....” I paused, hoping either our unabashed guest or Roger would provide a name but Roger just shrugged at me. Of course he didn't know his name. Roger never remembered their names “... guy. We have a strict “Pants must be worn in the kitchen” policy here in the apartment.”

“Sorry. I couldn't find them.” He looked at Roger and laughed. I looked at Roger and rolled my eyes. I reached over and took his coffee mug.

“How about I find you some cream for your coffee, and Roger helps you find those pants?” I offered.

“Nondairy if you have it, please.” He bounced off towards the bedroom with Roger a step or two behind. Even his ass was perfectly tan. Where the hell did Roger find them?

I was setting out the soy milk when the phone rang. Wondering who would be calling at this hour, I checked the caller ID only to realize that Roger still hadn't replaced the battery and the unit was dead. We needed to get a newer phone. Warily I picked up the receiver.

“Hello?”

“Um, Janey? Is that you? It's Shannon.”

Well, this was a pleasant surprise. “Hey, Shannon. What's got you calling this early?”

“Well, no work today because of the weather,” he explained, “and I'm bored. But it's Tuesday, and everyone is busy, and then I remembered you work kind of weird hours and you're not in school right now, and so I thought maybe you'd be free?”

I looked out the window. It was coming down in sheets out there and huge puddles of water were already standing on the streets. I really didn't want to go out and do anything in this kind of weather. “Well, as a matter of fact, I'm off work today but it's so nasty out I don't think I want to go anywhere.”

“Oh.” I could hear the disappointment in his voice. “That's okay, I guess it is sort of last minute and all.”

“Well now wait, I just said I don't want to go anywhere.” I heard Roger and his companion giggling from his bedroom. Why the heck should they have all the fun? “A rainy day movie marathon sounds good though. Would you like to come hang out here? I can even cook if you want.”

“That sounds amazing. Do you need me to bring anything?”

I thought for a minute. I had gone grocery shopping just yesterday and had plenty of food and ingredients for brownies. I thought about asking him to bring over some beers but realized I'd hardly ever seen him sober so maybe that wasn't the best idea. “Popcorn? I don't think I have any popcorn.”

“No problem.” I gave him the address and then went to knock on Roger's door to let him know I had company coming over. By the time I had showered and changed Roger's guest was gone and Roger was straightening up the living room.

“You're staying?” I asked, surprised.

“That's okay isn't it?” he asked. “You weren't planning on humping in the living room or anything were you?”

I threw a pillow at him. “It's not like that. At least I don't think so.”

The doorbell rang. “Well,” Roger said, throwing the pillow back at me, “you'd better figure out what it's like really quick because your afternoon delight is here.”

For the second time that day I rolled my eyes at Roger. “Not all of us try to fuck everything that doesn't run away fast enough.”

“He's ugly isn't he?”

“Jesus Roger.” I crossed over and opened the door. Shannon stood in the doorway, soaked from the rain but holding a big bag of groceries.

“What on earth is all that? I said popcorn!”

Roger called out from behind me. “She means 'Hello. Come in. It's so nice of you to come out in this weather. Thank you for bringing a gift.”

Shannon laughed and stepped inside, shaking himself off like a wet puppy. I took the bag from him so he could take off his jacket. “It is popcorn. And some sodas and some ice cream. I wanted ice cream.”

I peered inside the bag and saw a box of those Drumstick cones with the chocolate and nuts on them. “Oh, I love those. Do you want them now or should I stick them in the freezer?”

“Maybe later?” He said. I nodded and headed towards the kitchen, motioning him towards the living room.

“Hi, I'm Roger. Jane apparently has no manners today.” Roger stuck his hand out for Shannon who gave him a quick shake. “I hope you like horror movies, that's all Jane watches.”

“That's not true!” I called back from the kitchen. “I like other things too. Quit teasing and just show him the movies.”

When I got back into the living room Roger and Shannon were looking through our collection of videos. I noticed Shannon was still looking pretty drippy so I grabbed a clean towel for him.

“Thanks. It's really coming down out there.” As he toweled himself off, I couldn't help but notice those warm hazel eyes of his again. With his damp hair and lashes, they stood out even more prominently. Roger stepped behind him and gave me a thumbs up signal. I'd have thrown something at him if I'd been holding anything.

“How about this?” Shannon held up a copy of “Phantasm”.

“Ah, the classics! The man has good taste!” I said approvingly.

Roger set the movie up while I set out snacks and drinks for everyone. When I went to sit down on the end of the sofa where I usually sit Roger quickly slipped in ahead of me, nudging me to sit next to Shannon. Shannon just smiled and threw his arm around me once I sat down, pulling a bowl of popcorn into his lap. “Horror movies are for snuggling right? Can't have you getting scared.”

He was a still little damp from the weather but he was warm and solid and smelled of coffee and soap and cigarettes, and even though I was still undecided about how I felt about him, he was really nice to snuggle into. I grabbed a throw off the arm of the sofa and spread it out over our laps. “That's the idea.”

 

We ended up talking more than watching the movie since everyone had already seen it before. Shannon had moved around a lot growing up and told us stories of different places he had lived. Roger and I had both lived in the same 50-mile radius of small Midwestern towns until moving to California for school three years ago, so to us, it was fascinating. To my chagrin, Roger insisted on telling Shannon how we met in the 5th grade after I had moved to town and managed to get on the wrong side of budding mean girl Abby Norris. She picked on me mercilessly for the first three days of school, until Roger, who had inexplicably taken a shine to the quiet little new girl with all the freckles, threatened to start a rumor that she stuffs her bra and makes out with her Rob Lowe poster. We were inseparable from there on out.

After the movie finished I went to start making some tacos for lunch while Shannon took advantage of a break in the rain to step out onto the balcony for a smoke. Roger, of course, had to join me in the kitchen so we could discuss our guest.

“Well, he's definitely not ugly,” Roger said as he helped me pull vegetables out of the refrigerator. “He looks sort of familiar though.”

I shrugged. “I just can't figure out if he's actually interested or not. He seems flirty enough but has made zero moves.”

“Oh, he's interested,” Roger said. “He's a little hard to read but he's definitely into you.”

“I don't know.”

Roger laughed. “He brought you ice cream cones. He wants to see your tongue skills.”

“Roger!” I threw a lime wedge at him.

“You know,” he said, “you could always make the move yourself Jane. This is the 90's after all.”

“I know, I just...” I felt bad but I still wasn't sure how interested in Shannon I even was. He was definitely attractive, a little short but I'm not that tall myself so it didn't bother me any. I loved his grin and those gorgeous eyes of his. I liked how he could be goofy and playful but also seemed to have this chill side. But we didn't seem to have very much in common, even though we seemed to be very comfortable with each other and enjoyed each others company.

Then there was Jared. Jared and I had seemed to click that first night at the diner but he didn't seem to be flirting much at all. He didn't seem uninterested, but he did seem to be standing back to see what was going to happen. Maybe he was waiting to see what Shannon's intentions were? I knew I needed to figure this out soon. It wasn't fair to string Shannon along if I wasn't interested.

“I don't know Roger. I think I like him but...”

It was Roger's turn to roll his eyes at me. “You like him. I saw the way you looked at him when he was drying himself off earlier. I also noticed the way you snuggled into the crook of his arm when you guys were watching the movie, and the way you kept sniffing his shirt.”

“He smells good,” I said sheepishly. I was going to add more but I heard the sliding door to the balcony opening and closing, and then Shannon was in the kitchen with us.

“I hope you don't mind,” I said. “It's black beans and chorizo seitan for the taco filling, I'm a vegetarian. I probably should have warned you before I offered to make lunch.”

Shannon just smiled. “No problem. My mother's a vegetarian, I grew up with that stuff.” He gave the pan where I was heating the filling a sniff. “It smells fantastic. Anything I can do to help?”

“You can help me chop up some onions and cilantro,” Roger said, handing a knife over.

We continued like that, the three of us in the kitchen cooking tacos, while Roger continued to regale Shannon with tales from middle school. It was a pleasant enough way to spend the afternoon, and after the tacos were prepared and eaten and chased down with the ice cream treats Shannon had brought we decided to pick another movie to watch. This time Shannon picked out one of Roger's old Kung Fu movies. They weren't really my thing but the guys seemed happy enough about it, and since Shannon was again pulling me in to cuddle against him, I didn't mind.

About fifteen minutes into the movie, Roger dramatically got up and exclaimed “Oh wow, look how late it is! I have to go!”

“Go where?” I asked. “You don't have anywhere to be today. It's pouring like Noah's flood out there.”

Roger just shook his head and grabbed his jacket and an umbrella while he grinned like a mad man. He knew he was fooling exactly no one with his “get them together alone” plot, and he just didn't care. I was definitely going to owe him for this one, I just didn't know if it would be a thank you or revenge yet. “Bye! You kids behave yourselves!” he called out as he waltzed through the door. The minute he shut it Shannon burst out laughing.

“I'm sorry,” I apologized. “He's an idiot.”

“Don't apologize,” Shannon said. “He's a good friend. He's just trying to look out for you. I think he just stuck around in the first place to make sure I wasn't some serial killer come to claim my next victim.”

This had not occurred to me. I was surprised when Roger had stayed behind for the movie but I didn't think about him just trying to be protective. As much as he drives me crazy, over the last eleven years Roger has shown me time and time again he is an outstanding friend. He did seem to approve of Shannon.

“Do you want to pick a different movie? I know we kind of railroaded you into this one.” Shannon asked.

I looked at him, those seductive eyes inches from mine, and thought about what Roger had said in the kitchen. Maybe, in this case, I needed to make the first move. I had never been any good at it though. What if I was reading him wrong? What if he was just looking for a buddy? What if I was?

I noticed for the first time what full, kissable lips he had, a rarity on guys. Maybe the best way to know if I felt something was to dive right in.

“Jane?” Shannon was looking at me quizzically. I was hypnotized by those lips but still unable to make a move. Feet of clay, as they say.

The phone rang just then, the sound so sharp and unexpected I jumped a few inches in my seat. I took that as a sign and quickly hopped up to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Hey, is this Jane? I think this is the right number, I'm looking for a girl named Jane.” It took me a second before I recognized the voice.

“Jared?” I asked.

“Hey, yeah.” He sounded relieved he had the right number. “You haven't seen Shannon, have you? He left a note that he was going over there but I didn't know if he actually made it....”

“Yeah, he's here.” I looked up at the sofa where Shannon, having heard me say Jared's name apparently, had thrown his head back behind him in exasperation. “Did you want to talk to him?”

“Yes, please.”

I held out the phone. “Shannon, it's your brother.” With a sigh, Shannon got up from the sofa and took the phone from me. Not wanting to eavesdrop I excused myself to the bathroom for a few minutes. When I came back out Shannon was putting his coat on.

“Everything okay?” I asked.

“My brother is impossible. I'm really sorry Jane. I'm going to go.”

I was a little surprised at the strong twinge of disappointment I felt. I looked outside where it was still storming though not as violently as before. “Do you really have to? Is there some kind of emergency? It's still pretty nasty out.”

He shrugged in resignation. “No, but... “ he trailed off, eyes firmly fixed on the floor. “I'm sorry. It's for the best really. I...” He seemed like he wanted to say a lot more but just shook his head. “I really did have a great afternoon. Thanks for asking me over.” He leaned in to give me a soft kiss on the cheek, and I caught myself inhaling deeply for one last whiff of his scent. Roger was right, there was definitely something going on there. As soon as Shannon closed the door behind him I fell back onto the sofa with a whimper. That was the most confusing afternoon with a guy I had spent since High School. I didn't know how much more of this I could take.

 


	6. Chapter 6

 The doorbell was ringing. Lulled by the rainstorm raging outside, I had fallen asleep on the sofa, curled up in the throw that still smelled vaguely of Shannon. Drowsy and slightly disoriented I looked through the peephole to see Jared standing in the hallway. I opened the door and invited him inside.

Without a word he stepped into the apartment and took my hand, leading me back to the sofa. As I started to ask what was going on he grabbed my chin and brought his mouth to mine in a searing kiss I could feel to the very ends of my hair. `Any questions I might have been about to ask were immediately extinguished by the sudden wave of lust that washed over me.I threw my arms around his neck as his tongue boldly delved into me, all reason and caution leaving like it was on a bullet train. His lips felt so amazing against mine, soft and luscious, and he tasted like fruity candy.

His clothes were soaked from the squall outside and he began pulling them off, wet fabric meeting the floor with a heavy thud until he stood bare in front of me. I lingered over the sight of him, my mouth watering as I envisioned all the places I want to lick, to kiss. With a shudder of anticipation, I quickly removed my own clothing, trying not to think about all the ways my body couldn't possibly measure up to the perfection in front of me. Hungrily he pulled me back against him, his hands kneading the soft cheeks of my ass as he ground his hips against me. We stayed like that for a moment, his mouth trailing kisses as he groaned against my throat, my fingers knotted in his hair as my head fell back in ecstasy. I could feel the heat building underneath my skin, pooling in my core, an intoxicating onslaught that sharpened my senses and clouded my mind. This made no sense. This was a bad idea. I didn't care.

With a swift movement, Jared lifted me and perched me on the edge of the sofa arm. Letting my knees fall apart I wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling him into me, his rigid cock coming to rest between my engorged lips, the sensation eliciting a groan from us both. He locked his blue eyes onto mine before reaching between us to align himself with my entrance. Slowly he slid forward, opening me to him in bits and inches as my slick sex clenched around him. I could feel his heart thundering in his chest, could hear my own drumming in my ears as he buried himself and then withdrew, driving us both toward the release we were craving.

“Jane....”

His voice sounded odd, not heavy in my ear as it should have been but further away, softer.

“Jane...”

I pulled him in tighter, not wanting to lose this feeling.

“Jane!”

The haze lifted and I looked up from the sofa to see Roger standing over me, a puzzled look on his face. I was fully clothed and otherwise alone, the throw I had fallen asleep under now clutched against me.

“Roger?” I rubbed my hand over my face as I tried to reorient myself. Shit. It was just a dream. Roger started laughing.

“You were having a sex dream weren't you?” Roger sat down next to me and gave me a playful shove. “Don't even try to deny it. You should have seen the way you were grinding against that blanket.” Embarrassed, I pulled the throw around me. “Hey, where's your pocket-sized boyfriend?”

I groaned. “He left.”

Roger raised an eyebrow. “Already? Should he maybe see a doctor about that? Is that why you were having the sex dream? Did he fail to satisfy?”

The last thing I wanted to do was relive my humiliation for Roger, but I knew if I didn't give him answers he was just going to keep asking until I did. “First of all, he's not my boyfriend. Secondly, he didn't touch me.”

Roger huffed. “Okay, now I'm confused too. I'd swear he was into you. What was all that if he wasn't into you?”

“I don't know,” I shrugged. “He got a call from his brother about ten minutes after you left, and then said he had to go, kissed me on the cheek and walked out. No emergency, just time to go. Call me crazy but that does not sound like a guy that's actually hitting on me. I think he's just lonely.”

“Well shit. I liked him. You guys were kind of cute together.” Roger looked thoughtful. “Don't give up on him yet. Maybe he's got some other things going on that he doesn't know you well enough to talk about.”

“I don't know.” I had thought I was starting to develop some sort of feelings for Shannon but after the abrupt exit and the scorching little sex dream, I was definitely feeling myself back in the Jared camp. “I have never been this confused.”

This elicited a belly laugh from Roger. “Girl, this isn't even your top ten of confused. Remember Kaitlyn? Freshman year, spring break?”

I grabbed a pillow from behind me and tried to cover Roger's face. “Why would you bring that up?”

He wasn't about to stop though. “You didn't figure that one out until her bikini was in a puddle on that motel room floor. Spoiler alert – no ham sandwiches, you're strictly a salami girl!”

I climbed on top of him, shoving the pillow down towards his face while he rolled with laughter. “Ooh, I know!” he gasped out between chortles, “How about Nick? You dated him for how long before you realized he was gay?” This was the problem with having a friend you had known as long as Roger had known me. Too much dirt. “Hey, how about Ryan with the “I'm so sensitive” routine?”

Defeated I slumped back onto the seat. “Okay. I'm a dumbass.”

Roger sat up too, giving me a quick hug. “Yes, but you're my dumbass and I love you anyways.” He gave me a quick pat on the thigh. “He likes you. You like him. There's something else going on here but I don't think it's deal breaker kind of stuff. Your instincts are crap but mine are usually pretty good right?” I nodded. “I say give the guy another chance.”

I shrugged. “Still kind of have the hots for his brother.”

“Who's been calling you? Who came out in the rain to see you and bring you ice cream?” Roger shook his head. “Come on Jane, even you aren't this dense.”

“Hey!” I protested. “You haven't seen me with Jay yet. You're only getting one side of the picture. Something just clicks when I'm with him.” I picked at a nubby spot on the sofa cushion. “He's the one the sex dream was about.”

Roger sighed. “You are a mess. Does the brother flirt with you at all?” He gave me a stern look. “Not 'do you want him to' but 'does he actually' flirt.”

I wasn't sure I could describe Jared's interactions as flirtations. He was friendly, and funny, and had hugged me a few times but he always seemed to keep himself at a bit of a distance.

“But Roger...” I could already feel the pout forming, hear the whine in my voice. “He has the prettiest blue eyes....”

“Jane...”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Maybe?”

Roger continued giving me that firm look. “I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be honest with yourself. Are you maybe just making nice with Shannon so you can get to his brother?”

I winced a bit internally. It wasn't like that thought hadn't occurred to me too. What the hell was I doing here?

“Please tell me you're not that girl Jane. I hate those girls,” he said.

“I don't want to be. I don't mean to be. I don't know what the hell I'm doing here Roger. Really I don't.”

“You'd better figure it out soon, before someone gets hurt.”

I knew he was right, but that didn't bring me any closer to the epiphany I needed to make sense of this situation. “Shannon was so weird when he left. He probably won't even call again. The whole thing is probably already over.”

“No. No way. He'll be calling about the next party before you know it.”

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

As usual, Roger turned out to be right. I came home from work on Thursday to find another address tacked to the front of the refrigerator. This time Roger agreed to go with me. I think mostly he just wanted to see where this was all going, as I said he loved a front seat to whatever drama was going on, but I was grateful to have the company.

By Saturday though, life had thrown me it's biggest curve ball to date, and I was left worrying less about the party and the two confusing brothers as I was about how I was possibly going to break the news to Roger. I decided that after the party would be better, even more so if he were a little drunk, so I stopped at the liquor store after work and picked up a couple bottles of Goldschlager.

“What are those for?” Roger had asked as I carried them out of the apartment with us as we prepared to leave for the party.

“We're celebrating,” I told him.

“Celebrating what?”

“It's a surprise,” I answered with a sly smile. Uncharacteristically he let it go at that. I was grateful.

This party was different than the first one I had been invited to. From the number of cars alone it was clear that this was a much smaller crowd. A few people spilled out onto the lawn around the house but there was no mad crush of bodies. I could hear music being played though, and as we got closer to the house I realized that Jared was already singing. I hoped that meant that Shannon was playing too.

Sure enough when we got inside to the main room there stood Jared behind a microphone, guitar in hand, just like last time. I didn't recognize the song he was performing now but he sounded amazing. I watched as he swayed with the song, eyes closed, lost in the moment. Behind him Shannon worked the drums, banging away like a man possessed. It suited what I had seen of his personality so far, and I was impressed with the passion both of them were putting into their music. I pointed them out to Roger.

“See, look, Shannon's up there on the drums. The one that's singing, that's his brother Jared.”

Roger smacked me hard on the arm. “You cunt!” he exclaimed. I just looked back at him in confusion. “Why the hell didn't you tell me?”

“Tell you what?” I asked in bewilderment.

“Oh my god Jane. You really have no idea do you?” Roger was shaking his head at me. “That's Jordan Catalano. You've been sharing french fries and flirting with Jordan freaking Catalano!”

“No, his name is Jared.”

Roger threw his head back and rolled his eyes. “You are hopeless. You need to turn the TV on and watch something besides your horror films. That...” he grabbed my arm and pointed me at Jared “... is Jared Leto, also known to screaming teenage girls everywhere as Jordan Catalano. The king of leaning and not looking at things.”

“Um....” I didn't know to respond, I wasn't entirely sure what he was talking about. I remembered that Jared had said he was an actor, and I remembered the kick under the table whenever Shannon had tried to say something else. Was this what he was keeping a secret? Why? “I don't know what you're referencing Roger.”

Roger sighed. “My So-Called Life. TV show. That, of course, you never watched because all you do is work and write and read those trashy novels. It got canceled but not before probably millions of girls developed a crush on him. And you've just been sharing french fries and flirting with him like “Oh yeah, that's just this guy I met at the diner.”

“Well, he is. This guy I met at the diner.” I tried to sound calm but I was starting to panic now. Any chances I thought I might have had with Jared were evaporating like water in a desert. He wasn't just an actor, which, let's face it, were a dime a dozen in this town, he was some sort of teen heartthrob and surely had much hotter girls than me swooning at his feet all the time. This certainly explained the groups of hypnotized women at the last party. No wonder he hadn't seemed offended when he thought I was hooking up with Shannon, I doubted I was even on his radar. Any flirting was probably in my imagination. I was mortified.

“Oh yeah, that's why Shannon looked familiar, he was on the show a couple of times!” Roger remembered. Jesus, Shannon too? Apparently, everything that I thought had been going for the last two weeks was complete fiction. I felt sick. I turned around and started walking back outside. Roger immediately followed on my heels, grabbing my arms to stop me once we had gotten to the lawn.

“What are you doing?” he asked, spinning me around to face him. “Aren't you going to stay?”

“Are you kidding me?” I looked around to be sure no one was listening. “I am so embarrassed! How could they just let me go on like that?”

Roger gave me a puzzled look. “Why would you be embarrassed? Go on like what?”

“Like they were just two guys! Like they had any interest in me at all.” I had a sudden vision of sitting on the sofa with Shannon as I debated whether or not to kiss him. Oh god, the sexy Jared dream! How big of a fool had I been making of myself?

Roger gave me that special “boy are you an idiot” eye roll that best friends reserve for each other. “Jane,” he said firmly, “you have done nothing to be embarrassed about.” He let go of my arm but shook his head. “One of these days I am going to go hunt down Abby Norris and shave every last hair off her head. Eyebrows too. Yes, you were pretty awkward in middle school. You started to normalize somewhere around tenth grade but now... “ He looked me up and down and gave me an appreciative whistle. “You may have been a late bloomer but baby, did you ever bloom. You are gorgeous. You are much hotter than half the girls at the agency. Hell, I'd try and get you a job down there if I didn't think it would make your body issues even worse.”

Roger was always trying to make me feel better, about everything. I appreciated that he cared but I had to look at myself in the mirror every day. I knew I was still ordinary plain Jane. Boy, had my parents been prescient with that name. “Stop it, Roger. I know you're trying to help but neither one of us believes it, so what's the point? I know full well I'm nothing special in the looks department.”

Roger grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. “You. Are. Beautiful. I am not just saying that. Lying does no one any favors. You just remember all the nasty things Abby and her crew said to you over the years and you won't let in any new information.” He looked around until he saw a couple guys coming towards us on the sidewalk. “Hey!” he shouted at them, gesturing for them to come over. “Come do me a favor!”

I kicked his foot. “Roger, what the hell are you doing?”

“I'm proving my point.” The two guys he had called over were standing in front of us now, and I cringed a bit seeing them up close. They were extremely athletic and attractive, exactly the kind of guys who had given me grief my whole life. I wanted to strangle Roger. “So,” he began, “my friend here and I were having an argument and I'm hoping you can help us settle it.”

The first guy looked at me. He was very tall and broad shouldered, with bright green eyes. “Sure, what can we do to help?” he replied without even turning to look at Roger.

“Okay, honest opinion now. Don't spare any one's feelings.” Roger said. Please, I thought, please spare my feelings. Honesty is highly overrated. “Do you think she's hot? Scale of 1 to 10.”

If I could have crawled under the sidewalk I would have at that moment. Mr. Green Eyes just smiled at me. “Are you kidding? Of course she's hot.”

“Hot.” added his companion. “I'd give her an eight and a half. Nine if she'd put a skirt on.”

Mr. Green eyes laughed and winked at me. “Ten if she took it off.”

Ugh. I grabbed Roger's arm and quickly started walking us away from them. “Thanks, guys!” He yelled as I drug him back inside. As soon as we stopped he doubled over with laughter.

“Really Rog, what the hell.” It was nice, albeit a bit creepy, to hear them say those things but I couldn't really take it seriously. Who knew what they would have said if I hadn't been standing right there. “That proves nothing.”

“I don't know what to do to get through to you.” He had stopped laughing now and was giving me a firm look. “It doesn't even matter. You are so much more attractive than you realize, but you don't even need to be. You're amazing Jane. You're funny and kind and smart, and any guy would be damn lucky to get your attention. Even Jordan Catalano.”

“Look, Roger, I love you, but....”

“I love you too. And you have got to start listening to me.” He gave me a big hug. “You are the dumbest smart girl I have ever known. Please let's just have some fun and don't worry about who you think those two are. They're the same guys you thought they were this morning.” He swung the bag with the Goldschlager in front of my face. “I thought you said we were celebrating something?” When I still didn't move he got firmer. “Come on Jane, quit being such a big fucking baby. So you feel a little embarrassed. Do you like this guy or not?”

We went back inside and watched the guys play for about another half hour before they took a break. Just as before, as soon as Jared stepped away from the microphone he was swarmed by a bevy of swooning girls. At least that made sense now. I stood back to wait for the crowd to clear like before but Roger grabbed me by the hand and drug me into the thick of it. As I stood in front of Jared my mouth went dry, remembering the dream I had had.

“Hey Jane,” he said with a bright smile as he spotted me. I saw his expression change quickly though when he saw my hand in Roger's. Was that jealousy? A twinkle of hope fluttered in my chest. He looked Roger up and down, quickly pasting his smile back in place. “Who's your date?”

“This is Roger. Not my date, my bestie.”

Jared's smile got a little bigger. “Oh yes. Your Shannon.” I was surprised he remembered that. He gave Roger a quick hug. “Good to meet you, man.”

“You too!” Roger said. “I really liked you in that show, shame it got canceled.”

“Yeah, Mr. Teen Heartthrob, what the hell is up with that?” I demanded.

Jared got the same uncomfortable look on his face I had seen at the diner whenever the subject had come up before. “I'm sorry Jane. It gets a little overwhelming sometimes.” He threw his lips into an outrageous pout while making big puppy eyes at me. “Please don't be too mad? It was nice just to be Jared for a while and not Jordan.”

I guess I could kind of understand that. I didn't even like it when I ran into people I knew at the store, I couldn't imagine what it must be like to have strangers always trying to talk to you. I wanted to stay mad, but he hadn't really lied, just hadn't volunteered information that really didn't make a difference anyways. Plus, he was still making those puppy eyes at me. “I guess I'll forgive you. But you've got to come drink with us.”

Roger waved the bag of liquor again. “We're celebrating!”

“Oh?” Jared said, raising an eyebrow. “What are we celebrating?”

“She won't say,” Roger told him.

Shannon rushed me from the side just then, wrapping me in a big bear hug. “Janey!” he exclaimed.

I looked him over. “You tried to tell me so you get off the hook. Just don't screw up again.” Confused, Shannon looked at Roger and Jared.

“She knows.” Jared shrugged. Shannon laughed.

“Man I told you she was going to be pissed,” he said. “Hey, Roger.”

Roger gave Shannon a quick hug. “I thought you looked familiar. I just didn't put it together until I saw Jared.”

“It's cool man.” He turned his attention back to me. “Got a drink?”

I shook my head. “Not yet. But....” I reached over and pulled the bottles of Goldschlager out of the bag. “I brought my own.”

Shannon grabbed the bottles and started walking, motioning for us to follow. “Let's get some cups.”

Shannon managed to come up with not only plastic cups but some shot glasses and a bottle of whiskey. Once we managed to find a place to sit down, he suggested a game of Never Have I Ever.

“No, nuh-uh, no way,” Roger said. “Never play that game with Jane. You'll be plowed before she even has to take a second shot.”

“Aww,” said Jared, smiling mischievously. “Is our Janey sweet and innocent?”

I shifted in my seat uncomfortably. “No. I'm just not as wild as some people.”

Roger laughed. “I think I'm the 'some people' she's referring to.”

Jared turned his attention to Roger. “She told us you're a wild man,” he said with a laugh. “Chased her out of the apartment with your sexcapades the night we met her.”

“Thanks for that by the way,” Shannon said as he started pouring everyone shots. Jared gave him an odd look I couldn't quite read. He just shrugged it off. “I can't believe you can't think of things to get her on if you've been her best friend for all these years. I bet I can get her drinking.” He handed everyone a glass. “Never have I ever had to leave home in the middle of the night to escape someone else's sex noises.”

“Oh, so that's how we're going to play this?” I took a shot while the guys laughed. I then gave Roger my most intimidating look. “Just remember I know every bit as much dirt about you as you do about me. Careful how you proceed.”

Roger refilled my glass. “Challenge accepted.” He looked around the group for a moment. “Never have I ever been on television.”

Of course Jared and Shannon took a drink but they were surprised when I took one too. I glared at Roger.

“Wait,” Jared said, “when were you on television?”

Roger answered before I could. “She won a scholarship contest with her writing. It was kind of a big deal back home. They interviewed her for the local television station.”

“Wow.” Jared seemed impressed. “You really have to let me read something now.”

I felt put on the spot. “It was a little scholarship. It only paid for the first year. It wasn't that big a deal really, it was just more interesting that day than cows and farm reports I guess.” I turned to Jared. “Your turn.”

He thought for a minute. “Never have I ever wore handcuffs that weren't put on by the police.” This one caused Roger to take a drink. Of course.

My turn. I looked Roger dead in the face. “Never have I ever been to church and a gay bar on the same day.”

The brothers immediately started laughing. Roger raised his glass in a toast. “And what a great day it was.”

We continued around the table for several more rounds. Soon the first bottle of Goldschlager was gone, along with half the bottle of whiskey. Predictably the guys were much drunker than I was. When my turn came up again I decided to take advantage of their drunkness to maybe get a little clarification on the situation, even if it would cause me to have to take a drink too. “Never have I ever wanted to have sex with someone I am currently playing this game with.”

Everyone immediately got guilty looks on their faces, and then took a shot. Everyone. Including Roger. For fuck's sake. Now I was pissed. “Seriously?”

“Come on Jane, it was a broad question,” Roger said. “People have thoughts. Don't be a prude.”

Great. First I was a baby, then I was sweet and innocent, and now apparently I was a prude. It as then that I noticed how closely Roger had slid in next to Jared as the game had worn on. Having a hot best friend was tough enough when you were both girls but at least with Roger there had been very few instances over the years where we had both been into the same guy. If Jared was interested in Roger I figured my chances had dropped back to zero. Roger was gorgeous and confident and interesting and men and women both fell all over him whenever he so much as smiled at them.

“I am not a prude.” I stood up. I needed to get away for a few minutes and clear my head. “Anyone know where a bathroom is in this place?”

Shannon immediately got up with me. “I'll show you.”

Once I had ensconced myself in the tiny sanctuary I put a cold washcloth on the back of my neck and tried to clear my alcohol befuddled head for a minute. I felt like the ugly little sister who had developed a crush on a guy way out of her league. Even if Jared was more Roger's speed than mine, Roger knew I had a crush on him. He wasn't really flirting, I told myself. He probably was just as much under Jared's spell as I was. Could I really blame him?

I steadied my nerves as best I could and went to rejoin our little group. As I headed back to the sofa we had been sitting at I saw Jared slipping behind one of the doors that lined the long hallway. Just as he went to close it I heard Roger laughing inside the room. I had been listening to that laugh for over a decade, there was no doubt in my mind who it belonged to. My stomach turned and my mouth went dry. The thing I just spent ten minutes telling myself wasn't happening was apparently very much happening, right now, five feet away from me. I looked down the hallway to see Shannon, wobbling along with the music, waiting dutifully for me to return from the restroom.

I swallowed the bile that was rising in my throat. So I was a childish, innocent prude, was I? I knew one way to change that. I strode up to Shannon.

“I want to play a different game now.”

He smiled, oblivious to my change in mood. “Sure Janey, what do you want to play?”

“Truth or Dare. I go first. You choose dare.” Shannon blinked at me, confused. “I dare you to kiss me.”

 


	8. Chapter 8

“I dare you to kiss me.”

There. The ball was in his court now. I half expected the same reservation and avoidance I had been getting from both of them all along but instead, Shannon's face brightened as if all his Christmases had come at once. He gave me that lopsided grin I was becoming so familiar with before closing the distance between us.

“Fuck yeah.” He tangled one large hand in the hair at the nape of my neck before tilting my head into his, his lips crashing into me in a powerful kiss. He wasn't the least bit shy or hesitant, greedily devouring me as his tongue explored my mouth. Fervently he delved into me again and again, those full, powerful lips locked against mine as he laid claim to me. I tried not to notice the way my pulse quickened at his touch. I knew I had had too much to drink, I knew he had too, and that a good part of this was likely just alcohol-fueled abandon, but I had a point to prove and he wasn't exactly unwilling. As a matter of fact I figured he was just about perfect for the task at hand.

We moved back to the sofa and Shannon wrapped himself around me, smoothing the hair from my face before diving in for another wet kiss. He as sloppy and potent, devouring me in long slow measures. I wanted so much to be in the moment, to lose myself in his wild touch, but my brain would have none of it. I couldn't stop thinking about what was going on behind that door. I couldn't stop hearing Jared's voice when he called me sweet and innocent, or Roger when he had called me a prude.

I slipped my hand behind Shannon's neck, my fingertips tracing slowly around to the front of his throat before flattening my palm against his solid chest. There was that familiar Shannon scent again, the one he had left behind on my blanket that I pretended not to sniff whenever I sat down next to it. When he moved his kisses to the side of my neck, pressing my face against his shoulder, I pretended not to sniff again.

Suddenly he grabbed my legs and swung them around on the sofa so that I was stretched out beneath him, causing me to squeal in surprise. I glanced around the room quickly to see if anyone had reacted. On one hand, I didn't want an audience of random strangers watching us, but on the other hand, I did want one very specific audience. They were nowhere to be seen though and again I pushed away thoughts of why that might be. At some point, another couple had taken up residence on the other end of the sofa but they were paying no more attention to us than we were to them. We were tangled into each other then, his hand at the small of my back clutching me tightly against him. I could taste the cinnamon of the Goldschlager in his kisses, feel the callouses on his fingers as his hand cradled the side of my face, hear the wet little noises of our lips that suddenly seemed louder than anything in the room. Everything felt warmer and fuzzier, my motivations moving further and further away as his mouth as fingers roamed my flushed skin. I found myself clutching the back of his head as I nipped at his earlobe, whimpering into his neck when one fumbling hand slipped across my breast.

. _..we've had too much to drink, i'm drunk, he's drunker, you're not making good decisions jane, is he making decisions at all, you're just taking advantage, this is a bad idea..._

There was a riot in my head but I shut it all out until Shannon began fumbling with the button on my jeans, slipping his fingers under the waistband on a journey that should not be taken in a room full of people. I grabbed his wrist.

“Stop, Shannon.” I told him, panting, “this isn't exactly private.”

He left my jeans undisturbed but didn't stop kissing me. “I can get us privacy,” he said, that hand moving back up to cradle my head gain. “Please.” His voice was a needy groan now, hot breath against my throat as he pleaded. “Please, Janey. I want you so bad.”

I looked up at him, those beautiful eyes dark pools now, hair mussed from my fingers, and thought that maybe this had gone too far. I had only half expected him to even take the dare and kiss me back, I certainly hadn't planned this far ahead. His pleas weren't falling on deaf ears though. Drunk of not, I was acutely aware of how my skin was heating to his touch and the wild somersault my stomach had taken at his suggestion. I wondered however if he was too drunk to even carry through.

“You've had a lot to drink Shannon,” I told him. “Can you even....” I trailed off, embarrassed. He just smiled and ground his hips against me, showing me that yes, he was very much capable, and right now. Assuming we could find somewhere private to slip off to, that still left one hurdle. “Do you have a condom?”

He stood up and held his hand out for me. “And a spare. Come on, I know the perfect spot.”

He pulled me up from the sofa, pausing for another scorching kiss, and led us on a stumbling journey through the house. We stepped out of the kitchen door into the backyard and he pointed at a large tree, far from the house, near the fenceline. I looked at him in confusion.

“Treehouse,” he said. “There's an old treehouse back there. No one will bother us.”

Well, I figured, this at least was something to tick off for the next game of never had I ever. I followed him across the dark yard and up the old wooden ladder until we found ourselves in our own private arboreal hideaway. As soon as I climbed off the ladder Shannon was on me again, pulling me in tightly against him as he resumed kissing me in the same voracious manner he had been using inside. I pulled his shirt over his head and allowed touch to linger on his strong arms. His sweat dampened skin felt like it was on fire underneath my fingertips. He fumbled with my shirt, trying to match my state of undress to his own, but he got tangled in the buttons and I ended up taking it off myself.

I started casting about for a less dusty place to lie back. Seeing my discomfort, Shannon retrieved his t-shirt I had previously tossed aside and laid it out on the middle of the wooden floor. I felt a twinge of guilt. What the hell was I doing? But before I could process that any further he was kissing me again with those powerful lips and the haze of alcohol met the haze of lust and all other thoughts were obliterated. He was just such a damn good kisser, not only in the way his lips claimed me or his tongue danced against mine, but in the way that he cupped my face in his big hands, the way he groaned softly when I took his bottom lip between my teeth, the way he kept me so tight against his chest I could actually feel our breathing syncing up. Whatever clarity I was able to gain instantly melted away again at the heavy heat of him pressing down on top of me.

I was barely aware of how the rest of our clothes were shed. It seemed in no time at all he was over me, naked, nudging my legs open with his knee. When I realized he was already pressing himself into me I gave him a quick shove back.

“Condom Shannon! We talked about this!” Intoxicated or not, this was one place where I was prepared to stand my ground. I hated guys that would agree to protection only to start fighting you as soon as it was time for the main event to start. But he immediately started fishing around for the jeans he had kicked off and pulled the desired foil packet out of a back pocket.

“Sorry. I got carried away.” His voice was still sounding slurred, and I realized it was probably just drunken forgetfulness. I wondered if he was too drunk to be doing this, if I was taking advantage, how I would feel if the tables were turned. But I didn't want to turn back now. I needed something to distract me from the jealousy that still twisted in my gut. I knew that part was wrong, but I had really begun to want him by now, and so I just focused on those feelings.

I noticed he was having some trouble with the condom and figured I'd give him some help. Settling on my knees in front of him, I took the condom from his hand and then took an actual look at the semi hard whiskey dick that was now bobbing in front of me. This was a problem on two fronts, obviously because semi hard is not good enough for either condom application or fucking, but that should be easy enough to remedy. The bigger problem was actually the Bigger problem – the guy had some size to him and even semi hard I had real concerns about where that thing was or was not going to fit. He was certainly bigger than anyone I had been with before. I figured I wouldn't know until I tried though.

Wetting my hand with a little spit first, I began to slowly work up and down the length of him and was rewarded with a series of deep groans if not a change in firmness. When my best ministrations didn't push us over the edge, I decided it was time to up the ante and brought my mouth into the game, swirling my tongue up from the base until I slipped his head between my lips. This elicited a string of soft swear words and I felt his hand reach in to knot itself in my hair. I was eager now to see what I could accomplish with this beast and set upon taking him into my throat as far as I could manage while my hand worked the base of him. In minutes he was rigid and rocking his hips into my mouth. I pulled away with a soft pop and rolled the condom into place.

Shannon quickly re-positioned us on top of our little t-shirt nest and once against started to press into me. I tried to relax and tilt my hips into him but he was pushing in too quickly and the burn was terrible.

“Ow!” I protested. It seemed like drunk kissing for Shannon was a whole lot easier than drunk sex. “Careful!” I pushed back on his chest and he eased up, apologizing, but then immediately started pressing forward again.

` “Hey! You're hurting me!” I protested again. I was seriously doubting that we were going to get anywhere when Shannon stopped moving, leaving just only those first inches inside me, and just went back to kissing me, the same intoxicating kisses that had shut down my sensibility before. God, he felt so good against me. I wanted this to work. I wanted him.

“God Janey, you are so tight,” he groaned against my ear.

“I know. Just slow down, okay big guy?” I said. He nodded and went back to kissing me, slowly rolling his hips against mine. Just when I started to relax though he abruptly picked up the pace again, forcing himself further into me than I was ready for. This time I pushed him off me.

“Jane, wait...” he started to protest but I pushed him over onto his back and moved to straddle him. As the soberer of the two of us, I figured this part would go much better if I took over control.

I reached between us and aligned his tip to my entrance, then began sinking down slowly. When Shannon again started to piston his hips against me I shoved him down hard against the wooden floor. “I said slow down cowboy. Give me a chance here.”

Once again slowly I began grinding down on his hardened shaft. This time he finally got the idea and waited underneath me in stillness, his hands tracing small patterns on my thighs. As my body began to adjust to this new level of fullness a fire seemed to ignite around it, sending tendrils out to the rest of my body. It stopped hurting, then it started to feel good, then it started to feel really good. I let my head fall back in abandon as pleasure took over, and now the soft groans and string of swear words were mine.

Eventually, Shannon started moving with me again, his hands kneading my breasts as we twisted against each other. He slowly slid his hands down to my waist, catching me in his powerful grip as he quickened the pace of his thrusts. This time I was ready, and even though I knew I would probably be sore tomorrow, I didn't care about anything but the way he was making me feel right then. I could feel my climax approaching, tantalizingly just out of my reach, and I wet two fingers in my mouth, trailing them down my body until they found the little nub of sensitive flesh just over my entrance. Shannon looked up, his eyes devouring me as I rode him, one hand continuing to work my swollen bud as the other pinched and pulled at my nipple until I finally fell over the edge with a shuddering moan.

Quickly he flipped us over, catching my knees against his arms as he slid back home again. I could hear the party still going on yards away but the only sounds in the dark room were our ragged breathing and the noises of our damp bodies meeting each other. Shannon was gazing down at me through heavily lidded eyes, and I reached up to touch the side of his face. “Jane,” he whispered, so reverently that something caught in my gut and I felt a panic begin in my chest. I realized this was not just a drunken romp to him. Quickly I turned my face away, trying to hide the flood of emotions now washing over me. If he noticed he gave no indication, lowering his head to nuzzle my neck as drove into me with increasing fervor. I tried to reason with myself, told myself I had made him no promises, professed no feelings at all, but I knew I was in the wrong, and what was worse was that I had known it right from the minute he kissed me, I just had rationalized my way around it.

“Janey, baby, oh, fuck....” His voice was a warm purr in my ear, dripping with promises I did not want. I swallowed the bile rising in my throat and hoped that all the sudden vocalization meant that he was almost finished. I so desperately wanted this to be over, wanted to get away from him before he realized how I had used him. I bit my lip and juddered my hips against him, trying to drive him closer to his release. After a few long minutes, he gave a hoarse cry, clutching me to him as he shuddered through his own orgasm.

As soon as he moved off me to remove the condom I was grabbing in the dark for my clothes, hoping to make a quick getaway. Shannon was having none of it though. He pulled me back against him even as I held my balled up jeans in my hands, raining kisses on my head. I could feel hot tears forming behind my eyes and I struggled to at least maintain a neutral expression.

“Hey, don't be in such a hurry,” he told me. “They aren't going to worry about us for a while.”

I disentangled myself from his arms and started pulling clothing on. “What if someone comes out here?” I reasoned.

Shannon just grabbed my hand and tugged me back towards him, this time kissing my wrist and arm. “No one is coming out here. I don't think anyone else even knows it's here.”

I pulled away again and handed Shannon his jeans as a further hint. “Please, I just want to go back inside.”

He looked at me with a puzzled expression and I could see the hurt starting to form in his eyes. It twisted my gut and I could feel a tear escaping to run down my cheek. “Jane?”

I tried one last time to cover my behavior with excuses. “I'm sorry. I don't feel well. I must have drunk too much.”

Shannon relaxed visibly with the explanation and started helping me get into my clothes. “I'm sorry. I hope I didn't...” he trailed off, looking stricken. I quickly cut him off.

“No, no, my stomach just...” I shook my head. A few sobs broke their way through my alcohol weakened defenses at that point, but I quickly quieted them and wiped the tears from my face. Thankfully he accepted that explanation and quickly dressed.

“We should probably get you home. You want to see if we can find Roger?” he suggested.

I really didn't want to face Roger at that point but I knew I couldn't leave without him. I nodded and silently followed Shannon back to the house.

Finding Roger and Jared turned out to be a lot easier than I anticipated. As soon as we walked back into the kitchen, there they were, leaning against a counter and joking and flirting with a pair of redheads. They did not look at all as if anything had transpired between them. The sick feeling in my stomach intensified.

“Where the hell have you two been?” Jared exclaimed on seeing us. I didn't answer. I couldn't even look at them and instead kept my eyes on the floor.

“What. The. Hell.” Roger's voice was furious. I looked up to see his blue-grey eyes turned to hard flint, his jaw clenched as he looked wildly between Shannon and me. It took me a minute to understand his reaction.

There Shannon and I stood, Shannon looking all freshly fucked and smiling, and me, surely looking a mess, with a tear-stained face and running mascara, clothes rumpled and shoes in hand.

“Roger, no, please...” I started to explain but his fist was already drawn back.

 


	9. Chapter 9

I jumped in front of Shannon just as Jared grabbed for Roger, stopping him short before his fist could connect. “Stop. It's not what it looks like!”

“Oh, I think it's exactly what it fucking looks like,” Roger said, his voice practically a growl. He kept his eyes locked on Shannon, not even glancing over when he spoke to me. “Whatever he did, he made you cry. Someone better start talking.”

Shannon was looking around, bewildered. “What the hell man? What kind of asshole do you think I am? She had too much to drink, she's feeling sick, that's it. Right, Jane?” He tried to slip his arm around me. Without thinking about how it would look I pulled away. Unfortunately, Roger noticed. He started to take another step forward but Jared held him in place. “Is that true Jane?”

“I...” Of course it was not true. But the truth wasn't what he thought it was either and I couldn't throw Shannon under the bus for my bad behavior. I opened my mouth to confirm the lie and found I had unexpectedly reached my capacity for deceit. Tonight I was the crying, overly honest drunk, and it was the worst of all nights to be that way. Instead of confirmation of Shannon's story what came out instead was a string of sobs and ugly truths.

“No. ” Roger and Shannon both turned to look at me then, faces puzzled for very different reasons. “I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't mean to hurt him.” I took a deep, shuddery breath and let everything go at once. “I was just so mad, you guys had been calling me names and then you ran off to hook up and I felt like this ugly, naive little dork...”

“We what?” Jared and Roger said almost in unison, but I didn't even slow down.

“... and I couldn't even figure out if Shannon was fucking hitting on me or Jared or no one at all, and I thought if maybe I kissed Shannon I could figure it out, and it would make Jared jealous if he was interested and it all went too far, because he actually does like me and I was just using him because he was drunk and I could and....” I broke off into full on bawling at that point, the guys just standing around me, dumbfounded.

Roger was the one who finally broke the silence, grabbing me by the upper arm and walking me towards the door. “I think it's time to take you home before you do any more damage.”

“Wait.” Shannon stepped in front of us. “All of that was some crazy play to make Jared jealous? Are you fucking kidding me?”

I couldn't look him in the eye. “No. Not just.” I tried to explain myself but the words wouldn't come and I just stood there mutely, tears running down my cheeks as I gazed at my feet. Then Roger was pulling me by the arm again and we were heading back out of the house.

 

Roger didn't say a word the entire ride home. I, however, had to have the driver stop twice so I could vomit out of the side of the car. Once we got back to our building Roger grabbed me by the arm again, practically dragging me up the stairs until he finally released me in the middle of the living room with admonishments to stay there. He disappeared into the bathroom and I heard the shower start. Mutely I stood in place, shoulders shaking from sobs that were stuck somewhere in my chest. Eventually, Roger reappeared again and drug me into the bathroom, shoving me under the shower without a word. I started peeling the wet clothing from my body and he excused himself, returning a few minutes later with a towel in one hand and a big t-shirt and my robe in another.

“Clean up, dry off and meet me in your room,” he said flatly.

I stood under the hot water for what felt like hours, my skin pruning as I quieted one series of tears only to have another start. I thought about how I had always wondered if terrible people knew that they were terrible. I realized that they didn't. That we all thought we were good guys until we suddenly realized just how far we had gone. I always thought I was a nice person. But I had played with Shannon's feelings just to figure out what my own were. I had taken no care with him at all, and the guilt was killing me. When I finally felt that I could put it off no longer I turned off the water, dried off and slipped into my shirt and robe. Roger was sitting on the side of my bed, waiting for me.

“Roger....” I began.

“Sit down.” His voice was a little softer than before but he was still clearly upset with me. I took a seat next to him. “Now, tell me slowly, without all that blubbering and snot, just what the fuck happened tonight. Because I've got to tell you, Jane, you are not looking good here.”

I didn't know where to start. “I fucked up so bad Roger.”

“Although I would tend to agree,” he replied, his voice tightly controlled, “I am going to need a little more information than that.” When I didn't elaborate he took my chin in his hand and turned my face towards him.

“Okay, I am going to go straight to the million dollar questions now. You are going to be absolutely, completely, 100 percent honest with me, understood?” I nodded. “Did you have sex with Shannon tonight?”

A sob struggled to escape from my chest but I swallowed it down. “Yes,” I answered.

Roger took a deep breath, and I could see him trying to make his expression as neutral as possible. His voice was much more measured now. “I probably should have asked this before I put your plastered ass under the shower. Was it consensual?”

I wanted to say yes but I had gone so far down the rabbit hole of second guessing decisions that I didn't know what end was up any more. Was it still consent if you weren't both consenting to the same thing? “I thought so at the time.”

“What the fuck does that mean Jane?” he replied sharply.

“I thought it was. I thought we both wanted it. But I was just trying to prove I wasn't a sweet innocent prude like you guys were saying I was. And Shannon....”

Roger relaxed, the pieces starting to fall into place for him. “Shannon thought it was something more.” I nodded miserably. “Okay that's not non-consensual Jane, that's just shitty.” I felt the tears starting up again and swallowed hard to stave them off. “You have so much to learn. You broke the first rule of the slut code.”

I gave him an odd look. “We used a condom, Roger.”

He sighed. “Not that rule. The “Everybody Has To Be On The Same Page” rule. If one of you thinks you're having a relationship and the other one of you is just screwing around that's not cool.”

“I know. Believe me, I fucking know. And if I didn't before, the shitty way I feel now has more than driven it home. But the thing is...” At this point, I did break down crying again. I had fucked things up so terrifically. And as the alcohol wore off, I was coming to an awful realization. “I do like him. Like, I started this all full of anger and spite and trying to prove a point, but...” I remembered Shannon's mischievous smile, the lopsided winks, the enthusiastic hugs whenever he saw me, the way I couldn't stop sniffing him every time I got near him. “I'm kind of crazy about him.”

Roger rolled his eyes. “Well, of course, you are you big idiot. I tried to tell you that.”

He had indeed, several times. And every time I glazed over his observations, so caught up in pretty Jared and his ridiculously blue eyes I wasn't seeing anything else. I grabbed a pillow and threw myself back against the bed. I wanted another drink. The more I sobered up the worse this picture got and I was tired of looking at it.

“My turn now.” Roger said, taking the pillow from me. “First of all, this whole 'Jared and I going off to hook up' thing. Fuck you.” Startled, I sat back up. “I knew you thought you had a crush on the guy. I would never do that to you, and I am really pissed that you think that I would.”

“I'm sorry.” I don't know why I forgot sometimes what a stand-up guy Roger was. He came off as wild and reckless but in reality he was probably the most decent human being I had ever known. I was always expecting to be treated badly when he had never once let me down. “You didn't deserve that.”

“You're damn right I didn't. Yet you managed to fuck up in such a spectacular way that you not only hurt people who didn't deserve it, like Shannon and Jared, but you hurt innocent bystanders like me as well. Do you want to know what we were doing?” I shrugged, knowing he was going to tell me anyways. Surely whatever it was had to be better than the picture I had painted in my head. “I was getting to the bottom of this situation with the two of them once and for all.”

“It's not like it matters anymore Roger. “

Roger shook his head. “And yet, you're going to listen to this. First of all though, let me make sure I have tonight's circus of fuck ups down correctly. For openers, Janey was feeling embarrassed because she didn't recognize an actor, right?” I sighed but it was a rhetorical question so I held my tongue.

“Then Janey was feeling embarrassed because she wasn't as wild and slutty as the rest of us, also right?” I bit the inside of my cheek and looked down at the mattress.

“Oh no, look at me.” Roger was working up a head of steam and all I could do was sit there and take it. I more than had it coming. “Third, Janey was feeling embarrassed because she thought the guy she had a crush on liked his groceries delivered round the back and was hitting on her best friend, huh?” Fuck, he hadn't missed a beat. “So the sensible thing to do about all that embarrassment was to go and sleep with the one guy that actually demonstrably liked you, for some sort of spiteful revenge? How does that even make sense?” I felt my lower lip starting to quiver again. “Uh-uh, no, don't you dare start crying on me again.”

Roger paused, waiting for me to get control of myself before continuing. “So here's the scoop, princess. Yes, Jared was interested in you. So was Shannon, though you've probably fucked that up beyond all repair now. But see Shannon liked you, like really liked you, and so Jared agreed to back off until you chose. That was it. They were just waiting for you to make the first move. The phone call when Shannon was here? That was because Jared thought Shannon was cheating by coming over and having you to himself.”

I let that sink in for a minute. If I had known, I would have chosen Jared. And I was sure now that would have been the wrong choice. But I saw no way out of where I was now. “I don't know why you're even telling me now. None of this matters.”

“Well here's the part you should know.” Roger's voice was softer suddenly. Somehow it cut deeper than when he had been yelling. “Or maybe you already at least suspect. Shannon has had an addiction issue in the past. He's off that shit now but it hasn't been long. He had to quit hanging out with all his old friends. They're supposed to make new habits, stay away from people that use, that sort of thing.”

“That's why Jared was so upset when he went missing at the party.” I said as my mind filled in yet another blank.

Roger nodded. “Yeah, there were a lot of people there that Shannon was not supposed to be around, but they're working the music thing so it's not like they can avoid it altogether. “ He paused to make sure he had my attention. “You know how you said you thought he was just lonely? Well, he is right now. You were one of his only sober friends. That day he called and came over? He didn't have anyone else to call.”

“Well, I don't know about sober....” I said, recalling the amount of alcohol we had ingested that night.

“You know what I mean.”

“I've only known him for two weeks.” I protested.

Roger shrugged. “I don't know. I just know that's what Jared said. And that Shannon really liked you.”

I started crying again. “I'm sorry. I know you told me to stop. I feel so awful. He was really vulnerable and drunk, and I completely took advantage and if I were a guy you'd have kicked my ass by now.” Roger sat quietly, waiting for me to get control again, but revelations were rolling in on me like a tide. The clarity I had been so sorely lacking was all showing up at once and it was overwhelming.

I took a deep breath. I was about to say something very uncomfortable. Something that I had never confessed to Roger but that I suspected he already knew. It was different though to assume someone knows something than to say it out loud and confirm it. “You've always been so amazing to me Roger. You were this cute, popular boy and I was the dorky new girl and you just took me in, no questions, and just like that, we were best buddies. I never understood why. I thought you could do better. Surely you could find someone prettier, smarter, funnier, more popular to hang out with than me. I have always felt like the ugly best friend. You just shine so much brighter than I ever could hope to.”

“Jane.” Roger's eyes were full of tears now too. “Don't you know who you are to me?” He reached over and gingerly took my hands. “I am too much. I am too loud, too vulgar, too energetic, too pretty, too gay, too straight, too everything. I am over the top and too much for virtually every other person who has ever been in my life. There has literally been no one who didn't want me to tone something down, make myself more acceptable. Except you. You're the only person my whole entire life who has taken me exactly as I am and loved the hell out of me anyways. That's your gift, Jane. You take people just as they are. You have no idea how much that can mean to a person. Trust me though. It's everything.”

I threw my arms around Roger, crying into his chest. I had needed Roger from the minute I had arrived in that fifth-grade classroom. I had never understood how much he had needed me back. As I thought about us and the way we had cared for each other over the years, I remembered things Jared and Shannon had both said to me. “I think they're us, Rog.”

Roger gave me a puzzled look. “What do you mean you think they're us?”

“I was so upset tonight because I thought you had done it again, shone a little brighter, got the thing I wanted. Like I'm always standing in your shadow. That raw nerve of my insecurity, that's what got hit tonight. That's what made me react so badly. But I think maybe Shannon feels that way about Jared too. That as much as he loves him maybe he stands in the shadows a bit more than he'd like to too. That's his Achilles heel, and I just stabbed him in it.”

He let that sink in for a minute before replying. “Shit Jane. You really did make a mess of this. You've got to apologize to him.”

“Shit!” I exclaimed. “Oh Shit, Roger!” More revelations. I felt like I was being buried under an avalanche of awareness. “I don't have his phone number. I don't have any way to get a hold of him. I need to apologize, and I can't even contact him.”

“Just check the caller ID box,” Roger said, already getting up to walk to the kitchen to do just that.

“No, that won't work because someone keeps forgetting to put batteries in it.” Roger got a guilty look on his face. “But wait, it gets worse.”

“What?” Roger was starting to look a little tired of the twists and turns this night was taking. But I had forgotten about the one I already had waiting in the bag when the night started.

“I am out of time. I can't wait for him to get over it and hope he calls. Time's up. It's now or never.”

“Why is that?”

I steeled myself. “Do you remember that internship in New York that I wanted so bad but got beat out for?” Roger's eyes grew wide, already suspecting where this was going. “Well, the guy that they gave it to backed out at the last minute. So it's mine if I want it. Catch is I have to be in New York and ready to start work next Monday.” I shrugged. “That's what we were celebrating. Hooray?” I said anxiously.

Once again, I had seriously underestimated Roger. He got a huge smile on his face and grabbed me in a bear hug. “Jane, that's amazing! Congratulations!” He started pacing around the room, already excited. “Oh wow, we have so much to do. We've got to pack up this whole place and drive across the country in a week.” He looked around disdainfully at our collection of junk. “Maybe we should just sell it all, fly out and start over.”

“We?” Not that I didn't want Roger to come with me, but I was amazed that he hadn't even hesitated or asked.

“Well of course. I can work out there until your internship is up, New York is better for modeling anyways, it's not like I'm ever going to be an actor.” He stopped and looked at me. “It's not like I'd let you go off to New York on your own. You're a fucking mess.” I laughed. “Don't worry Jane, we'll straighten this all out.”

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

I really didn't sleep that night. My head should have been full of plans for New York, for the adventure I was about to embark on that I had worked so hard for. But my heart was too heavy. I couldn't stop thinking about Shannon, about all the kind little gestures he had shown me every time we were together. There was a wildness about him, I knew that he was more than the cuddly puppy he had shown me as we had spent that afternoon on my sofa, but he had taken such care with me every time we were together and I had completely ignored it. I had worse than ignored it. I had all but thrown it back in his face.

As the sun came up I decided that continuing to lie in bed and sulk wasn't going to do me any good. I got up and put on a pot of coffee, trying to ignore the hollow ache in my chest. I could see my reflection in the pot, my eyes red-rimmed and swollen, my face slack. I didn't recognize myself. I didn't know who I was anymore. And all of this over a guy I hadn't even known two weeks ago.

As I started on the second pot of coffee Roger finally appeared from his bedroom. He looked tired and hungover and didn't look like he had slept much better than I did. He poured himself a mug of coffee and sat down next to me.

“Well, I guess that really did happen,” he said, taking in my mournful appearance. I nodded. We sat in complete silence until he finished his first cup.

“So,” he began, “you made quite the mess.”

“Yup,” I answered, not even looking up from my mug.

“It would probably be easier to fix it if you hadn't had that crazy drunk ass meltdown in the kitchen.”

“Yup,” I said, still not looking up.

“You do realize you overreacted just a pinch, right?”

“Yup.”

“Wow, can you not hold your liquor.”

I sighed. “Roger do you have anything useful to add? The rehash isn't helping. No more walks on the wild side for Jane. I get it.” He didn't say anything else and we finished the pot in silence.

I figured the best way to keep my mind from dwelling was to stay busy, and with the move coming up I had plenty to worry about. As soon as it was a decent enough hour, Roger got on the phone and started making calls. By lunchtime, he had secured us space at a friend's apartment in New York, as long as we wanted or until we could find something better so that at least was one less thing to worry about. This also meant that we wouldn't need to take our furniture, so there was a lot less to pack. We decided we would box up and ship whatever we couldn't bear to part with or carry on the plane, then sell the rest of it. Roger went out to get boxes and labels and I stayed behind to start the sorting.

As I started going through the front closet my attention fell on the ubiquitous Laplander hanging from the coat hooks by the door. I took it down, turning it over and over in my hands as the aching in my chest returned. I remember Shannon putting it on his head, and I brought it to my face hoping for a trace of his scent but nothing remained. I was about to toss it in the 'to pack' pile when I got an idea.

Digging through my desk I found several slips of paper I had discarded there the previous weekend. I needed rescuing and thought I could start with my tiny surprise defender. I went to the phone, called Hailey and told her my plan, told her everything.

 

That night found me sitting in the diner again, with a plate of fries I didn't want but had felt compelled to order. Roger had offered to come with me, to keep me company, but I knew this was something I had to do on my own.

Hailey did not have a number for Shannon and Jared, but she knew who they were. She did have a big web of friends and promised to start spreading the word that I wanted to speak with the brothers and I would be waiting in the diner every night until either one of them showed up or I had to leave for New York. I didn't expect to see either of them that first night but I was going to wait it out anyways. As I sat in that booth I felt more like a criminal awaiting execution than anything, but I was prepared to take my medicine, no matter what it turned out to be. When the sun came up, I tried not to be too disappointed, left Maxine a big tip for hogging her table all night, went home, and cried myself to sleep.

Monday I turned in my notices at work, made flight arrangements, called the rental company, packed and slept. Roger picked up Chinese takeout and sat over me like a mother hen until I finished my lo mein. I realized it was the first thing I'd had on my stomach besides coffee since my alcoholic escapades. When evening hit, I returned to my vigil at the diner.

Sitting there by myself for hours left me too much time to rethink everything. So many scenes playing over and over in my head, every sweet gesture, every joke, every ounce of embarrassment, every regret. I was manufacturing my own personal hell. I knew it was unhealthy but I figured I deserved every second of it. Every time the bell on the door would jingle, I would look up, holding my breath, until the latest set of patrons came into view. It was exhausting and by two a.m. I was close to tears again. I felt like the world's biggest cry-baby. I was an emotional wreck.

To my surprise, when Maxine brought me my next soda refill, she sat it down on the table then slid into the booth across from me.

“Hey, hon.” She said, her voice as gentle as if she were speaking to an injured animal, “Can't help but notice you've been camping out here. You okay? Where are those two boys you used to sit with?”

I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. Maxine was looking at me with the kindest eyes I had ever seen and I suddenly remember a short story I had read in high school, _“Thunderbirds”._ In the story, travelers came and went from a roadside diner, telling their troubles to a waitress who happened to be an angel. The angel would listen to their problems, comfort them and dispense wisdom. I imagine she must have looked just like Maxine. “We had a falling out,” I said simply.

“Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Those two come in here a lot, they're nice boys.” This confirmed something I was hoping. Although it had been my first night in the diner, Shannon and Jared seemed to be familiar with it. It must have been a regular stop for them. I hoped that this meant they would be back before I left. “Is that why you look so down?” Maxine asked.

I nodded. “Can I ask you a favor, Maxine?”

“Well, sure. Depends on what it is of course but I hate seeing you so down,” she replied.

“I need to apologize to them and I can't get in touch. I'm leaving town in a few days, and I might not be able to see them again. If I write a letter and leave it with you, would you see it gets to them? Assuming they come back eventually?”

“Of course. That's easy enough.”

I must have brightened a bit at that because Maxine relaxed a little. “Thanks. I'll get started on it right away,” I said, pulling my notebook and pen out.

Maxine stood up and excused herself. Before I left that night I had four pages in an envelope for her. What I didn't have was a single sign of either brother.

Tuesday brought more packing and another trip to the diner. Maxine sighed when she saw me and without even asking brought me my order of fries and a Coke, the same thing I had bought that very first night.

“No sign of them today. I told the rest of the wait staff to be on the lookout for them, the letter is tacked to the bulletin board in the back. If they come in when you're not here we'll catch them.”

“Thanks, Maxine,” I told her, pushing my fries off the side.

“I hope they come in tonight.”

“So do I,” I replied. “So do I.”

I decided I was going to try to do some writing while I waited. Writing out the apology letter the night before had actually helped me work through a few things and I had slept better that afternoon than I had slept in days. The more I wrote, the more absorbed I got, and I stopped looking at the door every few minutes. I could feel myself grounding again, the hollow ache that had been in my chest for days receding just a bit. I was about six pages in when Jared slid into the booth across from me.

I sat my pen down and looked up at him. Everything I wanted to say flew out of my head and I found myself gazing mutely at him as his blue eyes stared back, unblinking. I could see by the look on his face this was not going to be a pleasant conversation. I was as ready as I was every going to be. I took a deep breath.

“I'm sorry.” I opened with the basics. “I know that's not much but I think you should know that I understand what I did was wrong and I am, truly, sorry for it.”

Jared didn't say a word, just kept looking at me with that same firm expression, barely blinking. I don't know what I expected. “You guys were lovely to me and I turned on your like a rabid badger. A slutty rabid badger. You didn't deserve anything I did. It's my fault and mine alone.”

Jared's voice was harsh when he finally replied. “You don't know how much we've been fighting the last few days. He blamed me, and all I had done was follow our little agreement to the letter. You got in between us and I can't have that, I can't be fighting with Shannon. If I don't have Shannon I don't have anything.” His voice was clipped now, volume tightly controlled as spoke through clenched teeth. “He's been having a hard time. He's having a hard time and you knew that you fucking knew that, I sat right here in this diner and told you that, and you still chose to roll right over him and leave him for road kill.”

“I know,” I said, fighting down the lump in my throat. The ache was back in my chest again, a burning hole that felt like it was going to swallow me. I wished it would swallow me. “I wasn't thinking clearly. It's probably the stupidest thing I've ever done. It's certainly the shittiest.” I paused, wanting to look away from his intimidating gaze, but I had resolved to straighten up and face the consequences for my behavior. “I know I don't have a right to ask, but how is he?”

To be honest, as bad as I felt about what I had done, I wondered if Shannon was as upset as I was. Even though I had come to the realization late, my feelings for Shannon were unexpectedly strong. I had no idea how he felt really, and I almost hoped that maybe he didn't like me as much as Roger seemed to think. At least that way what I did would hurt less.

“He's been pretty upset.” Jared's expression changed, anger at me being replaced by concern for Shannon. “You made him cry, Jane. You made my brother cry and I don't really know if I can forgive you for that.”

I clenched my teeth, fighting back my own tears. Every time I thought I was cried out some other horrible dimension to this thing would pop up. The thought of Shannon, smiling, raucous, giver of bearhugs Shannon in tears was almost more than I could stand. “I'd give anything to take it back Jared. The craziest thing about all of this is it took me treating him like I didn't care to realize just how much I did. Care. Because I do.” The tears finally breached their levees at this point but I didn't care enough any longer to fight them back. “I know I don't deserve to be forgiven. I'm not even asking. I just need him to know that I'm sorry. That I know I was wrong. That I did care. That I'd choose him.” I sucked in a ragged breath, hot tears falling onto the table beneath me. “I'd choose him again and again if only I could go back. I'd give him everything.”

Jared continued watching me, but his expression was softer now. “Please tell him,” I pleaded. “Please tell him I'm sorry. Don't let him think he lost.” I wiped my face and tried to regain my composure. “Thank you. For coming to see me. For listening.”

“If it were up to me I wouldn't have,” Jared said. “But everyone kept telling us that you would be here waiting, and Shannon wanted to hear what you had to say. That's some emergency broadcast network you've assembled there by the way.”

The plan with Hailey had worked. I would have to call and thank her. “Shannon wanted to come?” I said hopefully.

“He wanted to come the first night. I wouldn't let him. I didn't want him with a hundred miles of you.” Jared got stern again for a moment. “I'm still not convinced it's a good idea and if you screw up and hurt my brother again there is going to be hell to pay. But if you come back tomorrow night he'll be here. You can try your apologies on him in person then.” He got up then and walked out without so much as a backward glance.

 


	11. Chapter 11

The following night when Maxine brought me my usual fries and Coke she also brought a piece of chocolate silk pie.  I looked at her questioningly.  “On me. For luck,” she told me.  “It’s his favorite.” I pushed it onto the table across from me along with a fork.

   I expected a long wait.  I hadn’t been able to focus on much of anything that day.  We were essentially packed and ready to leave, all the arrangements had been made, I was out of things to do.  After picking over some food I had headed to the diner early to await whatever fate was in store for me.  I didn’t have to wait long, however.  The ice in my drink hadn’t even started to melt yet when Shannon arrived.  He came to stand next to my booth, hands in pockets, and a wave of longing arrived with him.  I wanted to leap up and throw my arms around him but I knew that ship had sailed.

   “Hi,” he said, without sitting down, his face neutral.  I had been afraid I would start crying again when I saw him.  It seemed that all I had done this week was cry, but I just felt so relieved and grateful there was no room for tears.  There was so much to say but I didn’t want it to come flooding out at once.  I didn’t want to scare him off.  

   “Hi,” I told him as gently as possible.  “I’m glad you came. Thank you.”

   He gestured at the plate of pie on the table.  “Is that for me?” When I nodded my affirmation he sat down but made no move to eat. I swallowed my pride and the butterflies in my stomach and began.

   “Shannon…” I only got that one word out before he interrupted.

   “Why Jane?” Well, apparently we weren’t going to go dancing around the subject.  “Why? There were so many ways that could have gone, why did you pick the one that would hurt me the most?”

   This was not where I wanted to start this discussion.  If, however, I truly wanted to make things better for Shannon and not just ease my own conscience then I was going to have to give him what he needed. “I could give you reasons.  I could tell you what I was thinking at the time.  But it was bullshit.  I was wrong about what was going on, I was wrong about how I felt.  I was just wrong.”

   He crossed his arms and leaned back against the seat.  “Tell me anyway.”

   I tried to think of a way to soften this.  Shannon seemed determined to go right for the jugular. I steeled myself and began.  “I thought Jared was the one I was interested in. I couldn’t tell if he was interested or not.  I wasn’t entirely sure you were either, and I didn’t know how I felt about you.” That was probably the nicest way I could think to say _‘you were fun to cuddle with but I was having steamy sex dreams about your brother’_. “I liked being with you but we’re really different Shannon.  I just didn’t know what to make of it all. I’ve never really known anyone like you.”

   “That still doesn’t explain what you did Jane.” His voice hadn’t softened at all.  I had been harboring a tiny hope that if I could just sit him down, somehow make him understand how sorry I was, that he would forgive me.  That hope was quickly fading.

   “I know.  I told you it was bullshit.  But Roger and Jared took off together and I thought…” I found myself rolling my jaw, looking anywhere but at Shannon as I tried to get through the next part.  “I was so angry, I was being left behind again while everyone went on about how sweet and innocent I was, and there you were, and you were so cute, and kissable, and…” I took a deep breath, “… willing.”

   He gave that a stilted laugh. “Do you know what you sound like right now?” His voice was rising and he punctuated his statement with hard pokes of his finger. I quickly looked around to make sure we hadn’t drawn attention. No one seemed to have turned our way but Shannon looked like he was going to get up to leave.

   “Please. Can we just back this up? Because you’re asking for explanations and I know damn well all I have are shitty meaningless excuses.  It sounds like I’m trying to justify my behavior.  I’m not.”  I waited to see if he would leave but he remained seated.  “Please,” I softly pleaded.

   I saw the first glimmer of something other than anger in his face.  I wanted to reach out and take his hands, open him back up to me, but I knew it was a step too far too soon. “I did a bad thing, Shannon. I understand that.  I wish I had been thinking more clearly that night.  I wish I could undo it.  I’m so sorry I hurt you.  You’ve been wonderful to me and I returned it with cruelty.  I am sorry.”

   Shannon softened a bit but shifted uncomfortably in his seat.  “So what, you want me to forgive you, maybe put in a good word with Jared?”

   “What?” I replied indignantly.  “No!  I guess I’m not making myself very clear here.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           “You could say that.” he replied disdainfully.

   I slipped my hand under the table to rest it on his knee.  “I fucked up because I hurt you.  I fucked up because I used you.  But mostly I fucked up because I went plundering on like I didn’t have any feelings for you at all, when really I was crazy over you, I was just too damn stupid to see it.”

   He left my hand on his knee but said nothing in return. He was no longer looking at me. I gave him a few minutes to process what I had said before continuing.  “I’ve been in Roger’s shadow since we were kids.  He’s always been the shiny one.  And that’s good, I don’t want him to shine any less bright because of me.  I’m proud of him.  I’m fortunate to be his friend.  And I’m sure you feel that way about Jared. “ Shannon looked up at me finally, though I could tell I’d hit a nerve. “Sometimes though, it makes me feel a little invisible.  And that stings.  I guess I just felt like the second choice one too many times and reacted badly.  Unfortunately, I did the same thing to you that had hurt me so deeply.”  I took a deep breath, trying not to look too closely at Shannon’s expression.   I had to get through the next part, it was the important part.  “I need you to know though, you’re not the second choice.  I may have been naive and clueless, I may have been momentarily distracted by Jared and those stupid blue eyes of his, but you are not a backup plan. You’re amazing.  If it still mattered, I’d choose you.”

 I let my hand fall away from his knee then, my gaze steady on the table as I tried not to start crying again.  I was so tired of all the crying. I had done so much it felt ridiculous and over the top and I was done being the weepy victim.  I was a grown woman who had made a mistake and was trying her best to make amends, I reminded myself. Whether he forgave me or not, I hoped he understood how wonderful he was, and that I knew I would have been lucky to be with him.  

   I didn’t notice him get up from his seat.  But suddenly he was sliding into the bench next to me, setting his warm hand on top of my own.

   “You know, if we’re being honest, there are probably a few girls out there who would be happy to see me getting a taste of my own medicine right now.  I’m not exactly a boy scout here.” He slid his arm behind me and pulled me against his chest, engulfing me in the scent of him again.  I kept my eyes tightly closed, knowing that if I looked up into those warm eyes of his I would come apart.  I felt him kiss my head gently.  “So I suppose I have to forgive you.  If I don’t, what does that say about me?”

   I took a few deep breaths before raising my head to look at him.  The anger seemed to have left and though I could still see hurt in his face, he was waiting patiently to see what my response would be.  “I really am sorry,” I told him.

   “I know.” His voice was a soft whisper now.  “I should probably still be mad, but I don’t want to be mad at you Janey.  I just want to be with you. Can’t we work this out?”

   My heart fell.  I wanted to undo hurt, not create more of it.  “I’m leaving Shannon.  They should have told you, I’m leaving for New York.”

   Shannon took my face in his hands, brushing his thumb over my cheek before giving me the gentlest kiss.  “Are you leaving right now? Is there a bus waiting out back?”

   I shook my head.  “Friday afternoon.”

   He kissed me again, a soft brush of our lips that left me fighting to keep my wits about me.  It hadn’t been the alcohol.  It had been Shannon. “That gives us almost two days then.” He kissed me again.  My stomach fluttered.  “Be mine for two days.”

   I wanted to say yes but my heart was feeling so bruised. “It will only make it harder when I go, Shannon.”

   He shook his head.  “Nope.  No way.  The only thing that would be harder is not being with you at all.”

   I glanced around the diner again.  No one seemed to be paying attention to the couple locked in each others embrace except Maxine, who was watching from behind the counter, smiling.  I had told her everything before leaving the letter that night, unburdening myself on my hash house angel.  I wanted to jump up and ask her what to do now.  I didn’t trust myself to make good decisions when it came to Shannon. But then I realized he was right.  It was better to regret having to be parted than to regret not being together at all.  Even if it ended badly, at least I would have two days.  At least I would know. I returned his kiss, for the first time truly enjoying the way it made my heart race.  

   “Okay. Two days.  I’m all yours.”


	12. Chapter 12

   Shannon smiled and pulled the plate of pie over so that it was in front of him.  “Okay,” he said, “Date One.  Diner, pie, and cuddles.”  He took a forkful and offered it to me.  “I hope you like chocolate because that's what we have.” 

  
   I took the bite with a giggle and then picked up my own fork and fed a piece to Shannon.   I remembered the teenagers feeding each other french fries that first night I had sat alone and how silly I had thought they looked.  I figured Shannon and I looked at least as ridiculous, especially when he kept hitting my nose with the whipped cream 'on accident', but it didn't matter.  I was over the moon to be with him, with a guy I had wanted as much as I had come to realize that I did, a guy that clearly wanted me back.  Of course, it didn't hurt that every little smudge of whipped cream got cleared away with a teasing lick and brush of Shannon's lips.  

  
   Once the pie had been consumed, Shannon slid out of the booth and pulled me to my feet.  “Okay, hope you liked our first date,” he said.  “Time for our second date.  Have you ever been on a motorcycle?”

  
   “A few times,” I told him.  “My uncle had one when I was a kid, he used to take me for rides around the neighborhood.”

  
   He put his arms around my waist and pulled me up against him. We had been locked together ever since he had slid into the booth next to me.  We couldn't seem to let go of each other.  “Well, I'm going to take you on a real ride.” 

  
   Shannon led me to the parking lot and handed me a helmet.  He went over a few basics, like how to sit and where to put my feet and how not to get burnt on the exhaust. I wanted to tell him he had a nice bike but I didn't really know anything about them.  It could have been the lamest bike in all of Southern California for all I knew.  It wasn't like it mattered anyways.  The thought of riding around with my arms around his waist, gripping him tight while the wind buffeted us already had my heart speeding.   

  
   “Where are we going?” I asked before climbing on. 

  
   “It's a surprise.”

  
   Fortunately, we started in town.  There wasn't much chance to get up any real speed and it gave me some time to get used to riding behind him.  By the time the roads started to open up I had become comfortable and was really enjoying the ride. With an ache, I wished we were going to have more time together. I became carried away with visions of spending Sundays together out on the road, discovering parts of the city we had never seen, maybe driving out into the desert with stops at roadside diners. But thinking about what we couldn't have was only going to spoil what little time together we did have, and I didn't want to waste it like that. 

  
   We eventually came to an overlook where Shannon parked the bike and took my helmet back from me.  The view was amazing, the city spread out beneath us shimmering like Christmas lights.  

  
   “This is incredible,” I told him, walking over to the edge to have a better view.  “How did you know this was here?”

  
   He joined me at the hillside, wrapping his strong arms around me, still unwilling to lose that contact. “I explore a lot. I like being off on my own sometimes. Gives me time to think.”

  
   “I love it,” I said breathlessly.  “Thank you for showing me this.  What a perfect memory of L.A. To take away with me.”  I turned in his arms, embracing his neck.  “Date Two is definitely a success.”

  
   He gave me another kiss, then removed his jacket and spread it out on the ground. “Come sit down here with me,” he beckoned, taking me by the hand and situating us where we could enjoy both the view and each other.  As I settled into his arms he tucked the hair away from my face, planting tiny little kisses on my forehead.  I was immensely happy to be there with him, even though I knew it was more than I deserved.  

  
   “Why on earth are you even with me Shannon?” I asked him.  “I treated you so badly, and I can't believe you don't have girls knocking down your door to be with you. “

  
   “Are you crazy?” he replied. “First of all, no, I don't.  I mean I do all right,  but most of those girls that are hitting on me are just trying to get to Jared.”  I winced, remembering I had, at least to some degree, been one of those girls.  He gave me a little kiss on the nose before continuing softly.  “Not you.  That was a whole different thing.   Stop beating yourself up about that.”

  
   “I'm trying to let it go, really,” I told him.

  
   “Well do.  It doesn't matter anymore.  Secondly, I could be asking you the same thing.  Why the heck are you with me?  You're way out of my league.  I never thought I'd even get your number that first night.”

  
   I balked. “You are so full of shit.  You're this amazing, cool, sexy musician, with all these great stories about places you've been and things you've done.  I'm just some awkward farm-country nerd who spends too much time indoors and has left the country exactly once, on a school trip.”

  
   Shannon laughed.  “Or, I'm a  high school drop out, marginally employed construction worker with a substance abuse problem who lives with his brother.” I wondered if he truly saw himself that way.  It certainly wasn't how I saw him.  “And you're the funny, sexy, green-eyed goddess with the brains and the scholarships who is probably about 2 years from becoming a famous novelist or something.”

  
   I wanted to believe him.  I knew him pointing out all the less than glamorous things about himself was him trying to make a point.  It is easy to get lost in our flaws and see ourselves as so much less.  But time and experience had shown me how others saw me, and it hadn't been the way Shannon described.  “It's nice you see me that way,” I told him.  'I don't think anyone's ever described me as sexy before.”

  
   “Maybe not while you were in the room.”

  
   I buried my head against his shoulder. When I finally spoke, my voice was little more than a whisper.  “Do you want to know why I got so upset when you guys were calling me sweet and innocent?”

  
   Shannon turned around so we were facing each other.  “Do not try to tell me you were a virgin.  I know I was a disaster that night but there is no way you hadn't done that before.”

  
   “No,” I said shaking my head, “not a virgin.” I kept my head down, fidgeting with my ring.  Did I really want to tell him this? I had never even said this to Roger.  “You have to understand, I was a really awkward kid,” I began.  “All knees and elbows, covered in freckles, bushy hair and braces.  I started to grow out of it eventually but it took a long time.  And even once I had, everyone remembered what a dork I had been growing up and that's all they ever saw me as.  Back home, the guys wouldn't come within a mile of me.”    

  
   “Well they're crazy,” Shannon interjected, resting his hands lightly on my arms.  I shook my head to quiet him, I wasn't done. 

  
   “When I came out here for school, it was a little better.  Finally got a boyfriend.  Slept with him and lost my virginity when I was 19.  He dumped me two days later.” I could see Shannon was about to say something else but I brought my fingers to his mouth to quiet him. “Had a few decidedly unspectacular encounters with some random guys but that never went anywhere. Next guy I dated I was with for a  year and a half.  We had sex, really bad, unsatisfying sex maybe a handful of times.  Turned out he was gay. You've probably had more sex in the last month than I've had my entire life.”

  
   “Janey.” His voice was soft.  I couldn't look at him though. “there's nothing wrong with being a little inexperienced and innocent....”

  
   “There is when you don't choose it,” I told him firmly. “It's one thing to decide that all that sex isn't for you.  It's another thing when almost literally no one wants you.  Don't you get it? I want to walk on the wild side, I'd a hundred times rather be called slutty.  Slutty at least would be a choice I made.  Sweet and innocent just reminds me that I was nobody's choice.  No one wants Janey.”

  
   Thankfully he pulled me against his chest at that moment because I could already feel tears starting to form again.  My nerves were raw from days of drama and no sleep and confessing to the sexiest guy who has ever shown a real interest in you that you are not, in fact, a sex goddess but just some awkward nerd that everyone else passes over was wrenching.  He held me like that for several minutes, either seeming to sense I needed time to gather myself or carefully crafting his response.  Eventually, he pulled back and waited for me to look at him.  

  
   “Jane.  I cannot speak for the collection of morons who would pass you over or worse yet, let you get away without enjoying every delicious inch of you. But on behalf of the rest of us, I am sorry, forget them, you are incredible.” Shannon took my face in his hands, pressing his lips to mine as if he could drink all of me in.  I tried to let myself melt against him, to become the liquid he sought he consume.  I didn't deserve him, not for one minute, I didn't think I ever would, but I wasn't going to let my insecurity get in the way any longer.  I opened my mouth to him, sucking his tongue inside when it invaded, twisting my fingers into his wild hair as I finally let go.  As much as I had told myself that fateful night that the passion I felt was just an excess of alcohol in my system, I had also told myself that a sober Shannon would never want me the way he had.  But he did.  It didn't matter one bit how anyone else saw us.  I was his brainy, golden-haired Aphrodite, and he was my sexy, whiskey-eyed rock god.  Everything else was immaterial.

  
   “I'm going to ask you something Janey,” he finally said, breaking his mouth from mine.  “Would you be honest with me?”

  
   “I'll try.”

  
   He pressed his forehead against mine for a minute before continuing.  “So, um, if I'm understanding you correctly, your sexual history consists of losing your virginity, which is rarely spectacular, a few unsatisfying single encounters, and a gay dude that was, your words, really bad.” I nodded.  “And me and that awful sex in the treehouse.”

  
   “That wasn't so bad. It was actually kind of good until I freaked out on you.”

  
   Shannon shook his head.  “No, Jane, no it wasn't.  And the fact that that was your threshold for good speaks volumes.”

  
   Embarrassed, I looked at my ring again.  “I'm sorry, I told you I'm not very experienced.”

  
   Shannon's response was quick.  “No. No.  Not you.  It was me. I was just pulling your clothes off and shoving myself in.  You were great.  I wouldn't have thought you were inexperienced.”

  
   “Well, my best friend is Roger, the Slut King of Jamaica Street.  We talk a lot.  I have a lot of theoretical knowledge, just not much practical application.”

  
   Shannon kissed me again, nipping at my lower lip.  “And that is a situation that desperately needs to be remedied.  I know what we're doing for Date Three.”


	13. Chapter 13

  
We pawed, kissed and groped our way from the parking lot, up the stairs, and into my apartment. When we burst through the door Roger was there on the sofa, stretched out underneath what was apparently his latest one-night love affair, a leggy blonde who was already stripped down to just a bra and panties.

“Well I guess you guys made up,” he called out after us as I drug Shannon through the apartment to my bedroom. I didn't stop to answer, just pulled Shannon inside and locked the door behind us. He tossed the little bag from the drugstore onto my now barren desk and then set about kissing my neck as he peeled my clothing away. My hands flew to him, disrobing him with the same fervor. When we were both down to our underwear, I reached over to turn off the light, but Shannon quickly put his hand over mine.

“Hey, what are you doing?” His mouth never left my skin entirely and his words were somewhat muffled against the soft curve of my shoulder as he covered it with tiny kisses. “I want to see you.”

I shifted uncomfortably against him. I was trying, I really was, but it was so hard to just let myself be as he saw me. Why was this all so much easier in the dark treehouse, where I didn't think it meant anything? He twisted his fingers into mine and pulled my hand back against my chest. “I meant what I said. You are incredibly sexy. I want to take all of you in.” He hopped onto the bed and stretched himself out, hands behind his head as he waggled his eyebrows at me. “Don't you want to see me?”

Of course I wanted to see him. Was it really so far fetched that he might enjoy looking at me too, imperfections and all? I left the light on and climbed onto the bed. Shannon wasted no time in pulling me on top of him, gathering my hair behind my head as he pulled me in for yet another lingering kiss. Slowly he traced his fingertips down the outline of my spine, the sensation so intense that I broke out in goosebumps. We may be been an unlikely pair but the chemistry was undeniable. Every touch of his seemed to leave behind traces of heat and light, as if he were writing his name on me in fire. This was the passion I had been waiting for, and I had almost thrown it away.

Shannon slipped his hands underneath the clasp of my bra and unfastened it, casting it aside before gripping my hips to re-position me in order to get better access to my now bare breasts. His mouth worked it's way down from my collarbone as one hand traced its way back up across the taught muscles of my torso before meeting at those tender mounds, pulling them into his mouth as his tongue worked their rosy tips into hard little nubs. My center was right over him, I could feel his growing bulge through the thin fabric of my panties and I ground against him as he toyed with my nipples, the occasional scrape of his teeth sending tiny electrical jolts that seemed to settle right behind my clit.

He slipped one hand under my thigh and moved me back against the bed. Instead of settling himself over me, Shannon began to work his way downwards, his mouth leaving heated kisses in his wake, sliding my panties off when he reached the tiny hollow at the center of my stomach. I lifted my hips to aid him, but once he cast the flimsy garment aside his mouth began moving lower still and I found myself tensing up.

“You don't have to do that,” I told him as his kisses skirted the narrow line of curls at the top of my mons.

“No, I get to do this,” he responded, humming against my skin. I tried to relax but felt my legs trying to close against him almost of their own volition. “Jane?” he said questioningly. I must have had quite a look on my face because he stopped and sat up.

“Janey, I don't want to do anything you aren't into.” He pulled my leg up closer to him, planting gentle kisses inside my knee. “I meant what I said about enjoying every delicious inch of you. Is there a reason you want me to stop?”

I knew I was being irrational. But having most of your sexual experience coming from sleeping with a closeted gay man who clearly did not enjoy 'every delicious inch' of you wore on the psyche. My singular experience in this particular department had not been good. Faces were made. Things were said. But I didn't want to tell Shannon about it, and I certainly didn't want to relive it by having to explain myself. Apparently, though, Shannon had enough information between my confessional earlier that evening and my body language now to put two and two together.

“Okay, I'm going to assume you have an ex somewhere that needs to be kicked in the head,” he said. I nodded weakly. He resumed his kisses along the inside of my leg. “The hell with him. You're about to forget all about that.”

Slowly he began his journey toward my center again, carefully watching me the entire time for my reaction. My eyes were also making careful observations, watching for any signs he was less than happy with his task. But even though he was patient in his approach I could see the eagerness with which he was devouring me, and when I finally felt his warm breath across the damp crevice of my sex, I found myself biting my lip to stifle the moan that was building in my chest. Tentatively he placed his tongue at the bottom of my cleft and slowly drew it upwards, finishing with a little flick when he reached the sensitive bud at its apex. I whimpered at the wicked sensation. That was all the encouragement Shannon needed. He dove into me then like a man possessed, parting my lips for better access as he lapped at me and before long I was grinding my hips and calling on every deity I had ever heard of as I came apart against that maddening tongue. Unswayed by my ear shattering orgasm, he stayed in place, slowly sliding one thick finger into my drenched core, twisting it as he withdrew and pushed in again, all the while watching as I writhed in front of him. The addition of a second finger left me clawing at the sheets and when his mouth returned to work my clit I was left biting my fingers in a desperate attempt to slow the embarrassingly loud vocalizations that now echoed through the nearly empty bedroom. My second climax found me shouting his name and left me shaking. With a satisfied smile, he placed a little kiss on my stomach and got up to retrieve a condom.

As he stood at the desk I sat up and turned towards him, swinging my still quivering legs back over the edge of the bed. “Isn't it my turn now?” I purred at him, hoping to get a sober and more prepared go at having his gorgeous cock in my mouth.

“It can wait. This is supposed to be about you this time Jane. I want you to have a good time for once.” He leaned down to give me a soft kiss.

“Then it's definitely my turn,” I told him hungrily. I reached forward and wrapped my hand around the base of him. “I want another taste.”

Without further introduction, I leaned over and took him into my mouth. His head was slick with that salty-sweet pre-cum, and I twirled my tongue across it, reveling in both the feel of him in my mouth and the sighs of pleasure my movements elicited.

“Fuck, Janey, anything you want,” he groaned as he slid his fingers into my hair. As amazing as he had been making me feel, I was even more enthralled with how much he enjoyed me, how much pleasure he took in every kind of touch we exchanged. I found that I was becoming hungry not as much for my own pleasure but for his, that the thing that I truly needed was someone to find me desirable, irresistible, and Shannon did. He was taken with everything about me. His enthusiasm was the sexiest thing I had ever experienced. I reached out and placed my hand on his stomach, feeling his shuddering breaths as he reacted to the slick heat of my mouth. I realized I was whimpering now too, lost in the sensual roll of him across my tongue. I could feel the wetness between my legs growing again, a veritable tsunami of arousal that would have embarrassed me before. I realized though I was fast leaving all my inhibitions in the rearview mirror.

After letting me enjoy him for a few minutes, Shannon pulled away and rolled the condom he had retrieved earlier into place. I slid back into place on the pillows and waited for him to join me. As he settled over me I anxiously flashed back to the first attempt we had made at this, but this time he was sober and in control, and I was ready for him. He slid into me with tantalizing slowness, and I watched him as mouth fell open and his eyes closed in the pleasure of it all. A few more of those sliding thrusts and I was a puddle underneath him, wrapping my legs over his hips as he moved against me.

“Oh my god,” I cried out, the words once again tumbling from my mouth as the pleasure took over. As he quickened his pace the vocalizations only increased, and I was pretty sure by the time he lifted my legs back and pinned my knees to the mattress by my chest that the entire block knew his name. I could see myself split against him, his thick shaft coated with copious amounts of my juices as he withdrew and filled me again. It was the hottest thing I had ever seen. I was stretched so tight around him it felt like he was hitting every nerve, every tender spot, and when he moved his thumb over my tender little bud I came apart again, my pussy gripping him tightly as I shuddered beneath him.

He released my knees and fell forward, his weight on his elbows as he gripped my shoulders and rolled his hips into me. I slipped my hands behind him, cupping the hard globes of his ass as I felt the powerful muscles there driving him forward. He groaned into my ear.

“Fuck baby,” he said, his voice a hot growl against my skin, “I'm sorry. I am not going to last. You are just too much.”

I didn't care. I was as hungry for his release as I had been for my own. “That's okay baby. Just cum for me,” I told him, biting down on his shoulder. He moaned and picked up the pace again, hammering into me now at a frenzied pace. Soon he was falling over the cliff himself, and I was hypnotized by the expressions on his face as the ecstasy claimed and then released him.

After discarding the condom he settled himself tightly against me, our slick bodies tangled together as we listened to each other breathe. He began tracing patterns against my thigh with his fingers, and I watched his hand as slipped lazily over my skin, making it's way slowly up over my hip and along my side, pausing at my breast to circle its pebbled apex before eventually coming to rest behind my head. He pulled me into a slow kiss, his tongue languidly sliding against mine as we enjoyed the potent dose of neurochemicals still coursing through us. Too soon though he broke the spell.

“Don't go.” He pressed his forehead against mine, his eyes tightly closed as he pleaded. “I know it's crazy, we've only just started, but please don't leave me.”

I pulled back from him and sat up. This was the thing I was afraid of happening. “Shannon, I have to go.” It tugged at my chest so hard to say it. It didn't seem fair that I could have found someone like Shannon only to have to leave him but I knew staying wasn't an option.

“No, you don't. You're going to be a writer. You don't even have to go to school for that really.” He was sitting up now too, and he reached over to take my hands. “School is overrated. You said you wanted to see things, so go see them. Or get a job here.”

“Shannon I know school didn't work out for you. That wasn't your thing. But it is mine. I know you might find it hard to believe but I actually like school.”

“Then finish school here," he suggested.

I sighed. “This internship is a big deal. If I do well, it means a permanent position with tuition allowance so they will pay for me to finish school. I want to write and travel and that's not going to happen if I'm saddled to a mountain of student loans. I won't get this chance again.”

“You can stay with me. I'll take care of everything and you can write all you want.” He looked so sincere. As crazy as it was I think he really would have tucked me into that apartment somewhere and let me spend my days hunched over my notebooks, waiting for him to come home.

“Okay, now you're sounding insane.” I was not going to throw away everything I worked for over a guy I had known for two weeks, no matter how much my stomach fluttered when he kissed me. “I don't want to do this right now Shannon," I pleaded. "The last thing I want is to argue with you.”

“Will you at least think about it?”

I knew that my answer wouldn't change. There was nothing that could happen that would make me staying make any kind of sense. But I just wanted to go back to the happy feeling I'd had a few short minutes ago. “I'll think about it.” This seemed to please him and he pulled us back onto the pillows, spooning himself against my back as he nuzzled my neck. But I felt like the bubble had been burst. As I drifted off to sleep I found myself once again wondering just what in the hell was I doing.

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

 

When I woke back up the sun was coming out, and I laid there against Shannon's chest while I watched the dust motes in the morning light and thought about the last twenty-four hours. Shannon had said we'd only just started but I think he knew this wasn't a start. This was just a two-day long goodbye that was already almost half over. I had been clear from the start. I had been firm about my reasons. I probably shouldn't have said I'd think about it because even though I knew I wasn't going to think about much else, the end result was not going to change and it wasn't fair to let him hope. But short of turning him out of bed and sending him on his way now I didn't know how to make it much clearer to him. It's not like ending things now was going to make any of this any easier. I'd as well enjoy what little time we had left.

I carefully climbed over Shannon so as not to wake him and pulled on a t-shirt and my robe before making a quick dash to the bathroom. Roger either was not awake yet or had gone out, there was no sign of him. I stopped in the kitchen long enough to start a pot of coffee and then returned to the bedroom, hoping to slip back into bed before Shannon awoke. He was already up though, sleepily stretching those muscular arms as he waited for me to rejoin him. I shrugged off my robe and slid under the blanket.

“I put a pot of coffee on,” I told him, snuggling back into his arms. He gave me a light kiss.

“Look at you, starting the coffee as soon as you're conscious. I knew we were meant for each other,” he said.

I returned his kiss a bit more deeply. “Is that the only reason?”

He smiled at me. “Well, you are kind of cute and you make some mean tacos.”

I laughed and pulled him in for another kiss. He looked so ridiculously hot all sleepy and rumpled, with heavy eyes and messy hair. I couldn't resist him. I slid my legs over to straddle him, running my tongue over those full lips of his before diving in for more. He locked his hands at the small of my back and pulled me against him, waiting until I paused for air before saying anything.

“Okay, better wake up than coffee even,” he laughed. I just grinned and pulled my tee off over my head. “Definitely better.”

Now that I was feeling a little more comfortable I wanted to take some time and enjoy my sexy temporary boyfriend to the fullest. I began moving my kisses further down, nibbling my way across his chin and jaw, amused at the way his stubble made my lips feel stung. I paused at his earlobe, feathering my tongue across it before sucking it into my mouth for a hungry nip. That elicited a grumble from my sleepy bear and I remembered he had acted similarly when I had paid his earlobes attention before.

“Oh, you like that do you?” I said teasingly, moving over to the other ear. He groaned again before pulling me back to center.

“Someone's feeling saucy this morning,” he said playfully, fusing his lips against mine for a kiss that left no doubt that he approved. I wiggled my hips against him, letting myself slide down until his rapidly hardening cock was trapped between his stomach and my own aroused core.

“Mm-hmm,” I said, rolling my slick folds up and down the length of him, enjoying the way his shaft felt as it rubbed against my all my tender bits. “See what a monster you created?”

He kissed me again, his hips grinding in time with my own. “I thought you liked monsters and scary things.”

“Oh, I do.” I pulled away for a moment to grab a condom, then settled back to give myself room to sheath him. “Let's see if you like this one.”

Bracing myself against his chest I raised my hips before carefully settling down on his thick shaft. He watched me with naked fascination as my head fell back as he filled me, lust spreading through my cells like a magic spell. As I undulated against him I pulled his hand up to my mouth, sucking his thick fingers in as I rode him.

“Jesus, Janey,” he groaned as he reached for my hip, “this monster can come out and play anytime.”

I slipped his hand down to my breast and leaned back, bracing myself against his thighs. I had started moaning and swearing again, and I was astounded at how little I cared. I was finally outside of my head for once. It was amazing.

Shannon slipped his hand over to the junction between us, sliding across my lips a few times before narrowing in on my swollen clit. I found myself writhing shamelessly against his hand, shouting as my orgasm slammed through me and left me pulsing around him. He gave me just a minute to stop trembling and then slid me over onto my stomach. I felt his warm lips brush the base of my spine, and he kissed his way upward as he surged back into me. Since I wasn't looking at him now, I was so much more aware of the sensations of him. I could feel the heat of his skin as he pressed his back against me, the dusting of hair on his thighs as they gripped my own. He was moving much slower now, the pace much more sensual as he continued to rain kisses all along my shoulders. My shouts quieted to whimpers and as I reached back to touch him he twined his fingers into mine, gripping my hands tightly as he took his time with me. This was a completely different spell than the one I had woven on top of him.

“Fuck, Shannon....” I whispered against his hand, the long, slow ride pushing me somewhere new. He kept the pace steady as the heat between us built. I could feel him pulsing inside me, and in this position, every time he rocked his hips as he withdrew his head would drag across my g-spot, sending little shock waves out from my center. It was incredibly intense, and I was desperate for release, but when I tried to pull my hand back to reach my clit Shannon just gripped it tighter. I whimpered in protest.

“Wait for it Janey,” he breathed into my ear. “It'll be worth it I promise. I won't leave you hanging.”

Fuck. I couldn't say anything, I just curled my toes and writhed against him. He just kept up that relentless motion, pulling himself across that sensitive nub of flesh in my channel, and I could feel the heat there growing. It was if all my blood was pooling right there at my center, creating a sort of heavy fire that was blotting out every other sensation. I was mewling and keening beneath him, and just when I was sure I couldn't handle any more of this sensual torment everything shattered, and I crashed in around him, devastating waves of pleasure carrying me off as I screamed into the blanket I had futilely shoved my face into. As I lie there shaking Shannon's hips convulsed forward a few times and then he was coming apart too with a shout. He collapsed next to me and for the longest time I lay unmoving, completely overwhelmed, feeling like I was returning from a trip to the moon. When I finally got my wits about me again I looked over to see he had propped himself up on his elbow and was grinning down at me. I smacked him in the center of his chest.

“Ow, hey, what the hell was that for?” he said with a laugh of protest.

“You asshole,” I told him. “You can do that and all I got in the treehouse was that weak shit?”

He laughed at me. “I told you that was awful. Do you believe me now?” He gave me a quick kiss. “I was drunk and stupid but I was just so happy to be with you, Janey. I'm just glad I got a second chance.”

I tried not to remember how I had screwed that all up and snuggled my head into the crook of his arm. We were damp and sweaty and the sheets were a disaster and I was just about to suggest a shower when I heard knocking at my bedroom door.

“If you kids could come up for air for a minute that would be great,” Roger called from the other side.

“I'm pretty sure I'm like five years older than you,” Shannon retorted.

“Okay, old man,” Roger amended, “if you could climb off my bestie for a few minutes I'd like to talk to her.”

I climbed out of bed on wobbly legs and pulled my robe on before answering the door. Roger stood on the other side with a couple of bags and a smile.

“So,” he said, shoving one bag at me, “there's not much in the house and I didn't want you adorable little sex fiends getting dehydrated so I brought you some Gatorade and protein bars.”

I heard Shannon laughing on the bed behind me. “Seriously?” I said. Roger continued on, handing me the second bag.

“You're not used to having this much sex so take some advice, get up and pee afterward and drink this. It's cranberry juice. Honeymoon cystitis is not a good companion for your first day on your new job.”

I snatched the bag away from him, mortified. “What the hell Roger. You don't even have a vagina. How do you know these things?”

“Also, as a side note,” he said, ignoring the question completely, “I am feeling really bad right now that we're only just discovering that you're a screamer.” This brought a roar of laughter from behind me. I would have punched Roger if I didn't have my hands full. He probably planned it that way just for that very reason. He leaned around me so he could address Shannon. “Good job!” he smirked, giving him a thumbs up signal. I kicked the door closed. Roger continued shouting on the other side.

“Also, there are more condoms in a basket in my room if you need them! And lube in the top drawer if that's your thing! Going back out now! Bye!”

I tossed the bags on the desk and waited for Shannon to stop laughing.

“He's like a perverted mother hen,” Shannon said, smiling.

“Sorry.” In spite of Roger's embarrassing delivery I knew he knew his subject material so I opened the bottle of cranberry juice and took a swig. “I'm sure the coffee is ready by now.”

He got out of bed and pulled his briefs on. “I should probably call Jared so he knows I'm not passed out in a gutter somewhere.”

“How about you do that, I'll strip the bed, and then we'll get some coffee and showers?”

 

I managed to find some sweats and a t-shirt in Roger's room so Shannon could get changed once he got out of the shower. I would have climbed into the shower with him, he seemed to bring out my inner nympho, but our shower was ridiculously tiny and there wouldn't have been room to do anything anyway. He let me shower first, so while I waited for him I put down fresh sheets and straightened up. By the time he re-emerged I was waiting on the sofa, coffee in hand. He took his cup and snuggled up to me, and the first thing I did was take a big sniff of him. He smelled like my soap now and it was still wonderful and still Shannon.

“You smell me an awful lot,” he pointed out.

I shrugged. “Can't help it. You're the best thing I've ever smelled.”

He wrapped his arms around me, carefully balancing his coffee mug. “I find that hard to believe.” He took a careful sip from his cup. “So, what do you want to do for the rest of your last full day in Los Angeles?”

“I don't care,” I told him. “I've seen everything I wanted to see while I've been here. I don't have anyone else I need to say goodbye to. Everything that's going with us is packed, and Roger has someone coming to get everything else out of here on Sunday after we're gone. When I said I was all yours, I really meant I was all yours.”

Shannon thought for a minute. “Okay, let's go grab something to eat, then swing by my place. I want to get a change of clothes and my camera.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Why do you want your camera?”

“Why do you usually want a camera Jane?” I continued frowning at him. “If you're running off to the other side of the country I'm getting some pictures of you.”

“I don't really know if I want to run into Jared.”

“He won't be there. It'll just be us. It'll be great.” He took another sip of his coffee before continuing, more softly. “Of course, if you didn't run off on me I wouldn't need pictures to remember you by.”

Not this again. “Shannon, please, I already explained. Please don't spoil today.”

He pressed his lips against mine, and I tasted toothpaste and the coffee he had just drunk. “I won't say another word, I promise, if you just come with me.”

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

 

   We stopped for lunch at a taco stand and I pretty much ate my own weight in guacamole and chips while Shannon laughed at me.  

   “You know you’re going to miss this stuff when you’re in New York,” he pointed out.  “But I guess you’re getting your fill now.”

   “Hey, maybe if you hadn’t made me work up such an appetite….”  I countered.

   “Really? Who climbed on top of who this morning?”

   I laughed.  “I’m sorry.  I shall leave you unmolested in the future.”

   He slipped his arms around my waist and pulled me in closer.  “Don’t you dare,” he said.  I let him move in to kiss me but instead reached between us a put a dollop of guacamole on his nose. The look of surprise on his face had me rolling.

   “Brat!” he exclaimed, sliding his hands back to tickle my sides.  I was breathless and screaming for mercy in seconds.  We sealed our truce with a  powerful kiss that left me warm and sated in a way that the food hadn’t.

   From there we headed back to Shannon’s place.  I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn’t the riot of belongings that I found there. Everything they owned seemed to be lying about in piles that looked only slightly less than random, like a really disorganized tag sale. I took a minute to take it all in.

   “Do you not own any storage mediums at all?” I asked him.  “You know, closets, dressers, shelves, steam trunks…”

   “Hey,” he replied, “It’s clean and we know where things are.  Don’t knock the system.”  He quickly cleared off a chair.  “Here, you can sit down if you want, give me a minute to grab things.”

   Instead of sitting down I wandered about their little clutter museum while Shannon disappeared into what I could only assume was his bedroom.  I rifled through stacks of books that seemed as varied and random as their organizational system, trying to figure out which one of the guys had picked up that particular novel.  I was thumbing through _The Fate of the Elephant_ when Shannon reemerged in fresh clothes and an armful of odd and ends.  I sat it down when I saw something on top of another stack.

   “Okay, who’s reading _Blindness_?” I asked.  “Please tell me it’s you.  I love this book.”

   Shannon smiled.  “Yeah, I just finished that one.  I’m usually more a non-fiction person but I thought that was an intriguing concept.”

   I nodded.  “One of the reasons I love horror and science fiction novels so much is the way they give us a sandbox to really explore human nature. I’m mostly a fiction reader myself. I think we think about it more deeply when we have to get to the conclusions ourselves rather than just have it all laid out like a textbook. ” I added. Shannon leaned back against the sofa and gave me a minute to continue looking through the books.  I picked up a copy of _The Moral Animal._

   “Jared?” I asked.  

   “Nope, that one’s mine too.”

   “Interesting.” I spotted a copy of _The Naturalist._ “Okay, that one’s Jared.”  Shannon nodded.  I moved to _Before Night Falls._ “This one is Jared too, right?”

   “You’re doing pretty good there.”

   I ran my hand down the rest of the stack. “You guys read a lot.  Do you know how sexy that is?” I felt Shannon press himself against my back, his hands coming to rest on my shoulders as he peppered my neck with tiny kisses.

   “You could show me,” he said playfully.  I turned around and put my arms around his neck, allowing my fingers to twine into his hair, before pressing my lips into his. He slipped his arms behind me to pull me tightly against his chest as our tongues danced together.  That intoxicating haze started filling my head almost immediately and when I finally broke away it took a conscious effort.  “That sexy, huh?” he said with a smile.  He gave my ass a playful squeeze.  “You better be careful or we’re never going to make it to our next date.”

   “Oh, we’re doing that again, are we? I thought since I didn’t have anything on my agenda we were just going to hang out.”

   “I’m trying to make sure you have lots of memories of me.  Not just screaming my name in the bedroom.”  He gave me another kiss.  “Not that I mind hearing you scream my name.  But I’m trying to work an entire relationship into two days.  We need a little depth.”

   I pressed my face into his shoulder, my chest already starting to ache again at the thought of our upcoming parting of the ways.  I collected myself quickly before the gloom in my heart reached my face.  “So what did you have in mind?”

   “I thought we could go down to the Santa Monica Pier, ride the Ferris wheel.  The view is great, another perfect SoCal memory to take with you, and it’s romantic and would make for some great shots.”  I had momentarily forgotten about his photographic plans. “We could ride some other stuff too, grab something to eat, maybe walk the beach.” He kissed me again, lingering this time while he brought his hands up to cup my face.  “Then we can go back to your place and I can make you scream some more,” he told me, his voice low and warm and full of indecent promises.

   “That sounds perfect.”

   He pulled away from me and went back to the armful of things he had dropped on the sofa after coming out of the bedroom.   “Just give me a minute to pack up here.”

   I started wandering around the room again, lingering at an acoustic guitar that was propped up in the corner.  I gave it a quick strum.  

   “Yeah, it’s a little out of tune.” Shannon pointed out.

   “I suppose Jared should fix that,” I replied.

   “No, that one’s mine.”

   “You didn’t tell me you play guitar too.  All you mentioned was drums.” I picked the instrument up carefully and walked back to him with it. “Now you’ve got to play for me.  I can’t leave without hearing you.”

   He finished putting the clothes into his bag and took the guitar. “Anything my Janey wants,” he said, giving me that sideways smile that I knew I would be seeing when I closed my eyes for years to come. “Just let me tune it up real quick.”

   He took the guitar and sat down, taking some time to tune it while I seated myself in the chair across from him.  After a short wait he started to play, and to my delight, sing to me.

 

_Standin’ on a corner,_   
_Suitcase in my hand._   
_Jack’s in his car, says to Jane, who’s in her vest,_   
_And me, I’m in a rock n’ roll band._   
_Ridin’ in a Stutz Bearcat, Jim,_   
_Those were different times._   
_And the poets studied rows of verse,_   
_And all the ladies rolled their eyes_

_Sweet Jane, Sweet Jane, Sweet Jane_

 

   He kept his eyes down as he played, and his voice was soft but clear. It was the same passion he had displayed smashing those drums but channeled in a completely different direction.  It took my breath away.  As soon as he finished I flung myself at him, casting my arms around his neck as I gripped him as tightly as the guitar between us would allow.

   “Now that’s a memory to keep,” I said finally as I broke away.  “You’re amazing.  You’re so talented.” I gave him a kiss.  “I can’t believe I actually get to know you.”

   Shannon seemed quiet suddenly.  For a moment, all his bravado seemed to be gone, and he chewed his lip and looked at the floor.  I had seen him go quiet before, he did it often, but when he did it was like he was stepping back to take the temperature of the room.  This was different.  He seemed almost shy in that moment, as if he had something he wanted to say but couldn’t quite get it out.  I sat down on the floor in front of him and waited.  

   “I hope I didn’t say something wrong,” I told him when he still hadn’t responded.  As he continued to sit there silently, I could see his mood changing, whatever thought process was going on in his head bringing clouds with it that seemed to take all the light out of him. I didn’t want to prod too much, but I didn’t like him going down whatever road he was on in that moment.  “Shannon?” I asked again, cautiously.

   He got up and put the guitar back in the corner.  “We should probably get going.  We can skip the pier if you want.  I can just take you back to your place.”

   “What?” I asked, bewildered.  “No.  What the hell is wrong?”

   “It’s…” he trailed off, eyes downcast.  “Look, I’m sorry Jane.  Jared was right.  I should have stayed away from you to begin with.”

   I felt like someone was squeezing my chest.  “Why? Is this about the party again? I thought we were over that.”

   “No. It’s me.  You think I’m so amazing and I’m telling you, Jane, I’m not. I fuck everything up.  I’ve never taken a thing seriously in my life.  You shouldn’t have picked me.  You should have picked Jay.”

  Suddenly it was like someone had set my emotions to ‘boil’, everything roiling to the surface in one big, hot, jumble.  I drew myself up in front of him. “First of all, fuck both of you and your stupid little game. The only thing you guys got right was letting me have a chance to decide for myself who I wanted.  I did that.  I chose you.  I am not a child, and I am not as naive as I apparently seem to you. So how about respecting my decision?”

   “Jane, I didn’t say you were naive,” Shannon started but I didn’t let him finish.

   “You treat me like I’m looking at you through some sort of rose-colored glasses but believe me I’m not.  I see your imperfections too, I just don’t see the point in harping on them.  Just because you say a rose smells sweet doesn’t mean you don’t know it  has thorns.”

   “Secondly, I don’t really know what you’ve fucked up.  Maybe you have fucked things up pretty spectacularly before, whatever those things are.  It doesn’t matter.  That’s where you’ve been.  It doesn’t have to be where you’re going.”

   He shook his head.  “If you only knew…”

   I slipped one arm around his neck and set the other against his face. His eyes were dark now, and I remembered Jared telling me he had his demons. I wondered again what those actually were, if he would ever feel comfortable enough to tell me.  Whatever they were, they still clearly had a hold on him.  I pressed my forehead against his for a moment before answering.  “You don’t have to tell me.  If you want to tell me, you can, I’ll listen, but I’m interested in who you are now.  That’s only a piece of your story.”   He slipped his hand behind my head and brought it back to his.  

   “And though I doubt that it’s true that you haven’t taken anything seriously, even if it is, you can change that anytime.  Something will mean something to you sooner or later.  It will happen.  I’m lucky.  I found my thing when I was a kid.  You’ll find yours when you’re ready.”

   “Jane…” he said softly.  

   Tentatively I gave him a small kiss.  We were still pressed very closely against each other, and he seemed to be vibrating with an internal conflict that I could only guess at.  “Listen to me, Shannon.  Maybe you don’t look to the rest of the world the way they think that a 26-year-old guy should look.  We don’t all arrive at the same place at the same time by the same path. You know that. But you are amazing. Right here and right now.  Maybe it’s because of all the things that went wrong, who knows.  I just know I’m crazy about who you are, however you got this way.” I gave him another gentle kiss.  I hoped he was taking to heart what I said.  I meant every word of it.  

   We stood like that for a long time, holding each other in the chaos of that apartment, softly swaying together while he quieted whatever riot had started in his head.  Eventually, he gave me a kiss on the forehead.  

   “I will take all that under advisement,” he said, the smile starting to come back to his face.  “For right now though, I think I owe someone a Ferris Wheel ride.”

 

 

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

 

The ride out to Santa Monica was amazing. The day was gorgeous and I was quickly becoming hooked on riding with Shannon and knew I would miss it very much when I was gone. It was so much more participatory than being in a car, so much more sensual, from the way the wind and sun felt against my skin as we rode, to the warm press of our bodies together as I felt Shannon's powerful muscles shift with the bike as he guided it, to the way I felt so much more connected with everything we passed than I did tucked away behind the metal and glass of an auto. I wondered if maybe I should get a bike of my own someday, maybe I could drive out in the country while it hummed beneath me and remember.

Shannon must have taken about a hundred pictures of me that afternoon. He had this really great camera, and with everything we did he was pulling it back out, wanting another snapshot. I made him ride the Ferris Wheel half a dozen times, and each time we got to the top he would want to take another picture of me with the ocean and beach in the background. I just wanted to snuggle and make out.

We rode almost everything there, Shannon watching me with open surprise as I screamed with glee on the scrambler and threw my arms up in abandon on the roller coaster. I loved carnival rides and amusement parks, he had hit a home run with this particular date idea, even if our initial motivations were somewhat different. We got cotton candy and funnel cakes, he even won me a cheesy little stuffed monkey from one of the midway games. It was an ideal afternoon.

We wrapped everything up with a walk along on the beach and talked about childhood memories and our families. I envied the closeness that he and Jared shared, my brother Mitch and I didn't have that and probably never would. He was 34 and lived in Wisconsin now, married to a girl he met in college, with two daughters I loved to pieces. But we'd only ever passed through each other's lives. Shannon and Jared seemed to be as bonded as a pair of twins, I wouldn't have been surprised to learn they shared a secret language.

As we grew more comfortable, the stories turned a little darker. He began telling me about the trouble he got into, skipping school, fighting, drinking, stealing. I confessed to him how depressed and anxious I had been, especially in my early teens; that I didn't think I would have made it if I didn't have Roger. We ended up strolling along in silence for some time after that with our hands twisted together and my head resting on his shoulder until our stomachs were grumbling again. We decided rather than eat more carnival food we would just go back to my place and see if Roger wanted to join us for some delivery. However, when we returned to the apartment Roger still hadn't gotten back from wherever he skipped out to earlier.

“Well I guess he gets to take a drink to that question next time too,” I said, smiling. Shannon wrinkled his brow momentarily and then remembered.

“Never have I ever had to leave home because of some else's sex noises,” he recapped with a laugh. “I think I said the middle of the night though.”

“Well, who knows when he originally ran off.” I sat my stuffed monkey down and went to retrieve the delivery menus we kept in the kitchen drawer. “So what'll it be? Chinese? Pizza? Sushi?”

Shannon stepped behind me to gaze over my shoulder. “Pizza sounds good.”

We debated toppings and then he went to put his things away in the bedroom while I placed the order. By the time I got off the phone he was pressed into my back, tugging the neckline of my t-shirt aside so he could nibble my shoulder.

“So,” he asked, “how long did they say it would be?”

“About 40 minutes,” I replied, turning to face him. “Probably enough time for a little knitting or perhaps a rousing game of gin rummy.”

He smirked and pulled me against him. “Yeah I'm thinking about a different kind of aroused,” he said, his face against mine as he licked his lips.

“What a great suggestion,” I replied before crashing my lips into his, drawing that darting tongue into my mouth. Shannon slipped his hands under the back of my shirt, running them up my spine until he reached my bra clasp, which he quickly undid before pulling it off along with my shirt.

As he began to roll and tease my nipples with those large hands of his I started tugging on his clothing too, stripping off his shirt before fumbling with the clasp of his belt. As soon as I got his jeans unbuttoned he began guiding me backward until we reached the dining room table.

“Shouldn't we take this into the bedroom?” I tore away from his intoxicating kisses long enough to ask. “What if Roger comes home?”

“Roger will hear you long before he gets to the door,” Shannon pointed out. “If he still walks in on us with all that racket he'll only have himself to blame.”

I laughed. “The neighbors are probably glad I'm moving.”

Shannon slid my jeans off before perching me on the edge of the table. He blanketed my chest in kisses as his hands traveled my flushed skin, eventually returning to my breasts which he kneaded as he teased their rosy buds into hard little points with his tongue. He had me moaning and writhing against him in seconds. I reached forward and dragged my nails down his chest and over his stomach before sliding my hand into the front of his jeans, wrapping my hand around his thick erection and freeing it as best I could. As he tormented my swollen little peaks I palmed the length of him. I loved the sensation of the velvety smooth skin sliding along with my grip and I circled the tip with my thumb, gathering up the fluid that had escaped there, listening to Shannon moan around my nipple. He slid one hand down from my breast, the fingertips gliding over my hip before moving forward to my sex. He swirled his finger against the hard little pearl at the apex before plunging his fingers into me. Soon we were rolling our hips against each other, the sounds of our pleasure filling the room.

He stepped back, wrapping his arms around my waist and scooting me closer to the edge of the table. I expected him to slide out of his jeans but instead, he dropped to his knees. Remembering the last time he had done this I realized that if the neighbors didn't hate me now, they were about to. With a mischievous grin, he traced his tongue along the tender skin at the apex of my thighs, deliberately avoiding my aching center. As I squirmed on the edge of the table he drew my fevered skin into his mouth, scraping his teeth across the surface, leaving tiny little marks in its wake. Finally, he made contact, feathering his tongue against my damp slit to further tease me. After a few passes, I was begging him for more.

“But baby,” he said with a grin, swirling his finger through my wet folds, “You taste so good. I just want to stay down here and drink you for days.”

“Except we don't have days, we've got about a half an hour,” I pointed out.

He drew his finger up the length of my slit, stopping to hover teasingly just over my clit. “That's right. Maybe you should put your pants back on then.”

I wiggled in front of him. “Please?”

“Well since you asked so nicely,” he said with a wink before parting my thighs wide. Slowly he dipped his tongue in again, deeper this time, and I shuddered as he made contact. His clever mouth quickly had me whimpering and grinding against him, and when he plunged in two of his thick fingers I nearly came apart. I didn't have anything to compare him to, not really, but he had to be gifted at this. There's no way every guy could do this, they'd all be chained to beds somewhere. I curled my toes and threw my knees over his shoulders, my climax rapidly approaching. Just when I thought I was there, he stood up and pulled away, leaving me mewling in protest.

He pulled a condom out of his pocket before kicking his jeans off and I wondered how long he had been carrying that around. He gave himself a few short strokes before rolling on the thin latex, then he was back against me, pulling me in for a heated kiss before positioning himself at my entrance. Carefully he filled me, slowly rolling his hips as he waited for me to adjust. Just when I thought he was going to pick up the pace he withdrew completely, again leaving me empty and more frustrated than before. Quickly though he pulled me off the table and turned me around, lifting one knee as he bent me back over the flat surface. Feeling stretched out and exposed like that gave me a sort of lewd thrill that surprised me.

He brought his hips against me again, teasing around my drenched channel with his hard tip before breaching me once again, the same maddening slide as before that made me press back at him for more. As soon as my resistance dissolved so did the gentle manner he was using to open me and he began thrusting away with mad abandon. As his fingers dug into my hips my own gripped the surface beneath me tightly, my breathing ragged as he drove wildly into me. We were on a deadline and he was wasting no time. Though we were far enough back from the big sliding glass doors on the balcony that I was reasonably sure no one could see anything, looking out on the parking lot below while he sped us both towards that momentary oblivion added an extra layer of excitement to the experience. I was realizing my inner sex goddess was a wild one.

I could hear Shannon behind me making deep growling noises that told me he was very close. He slid his fingers to the junction between us, madly rubbing my engorged nub. Within seconds I was shouting with the intensity of my orgasm.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,” he chanted, hips spasming against me he joined in my release, and I could feel him pulsing inside me as my walls clenched tightly against him. With one last exclamation, he fell forward against me, panting as he covered my back in tiny kisses. Carefully I straightened my leg, and it wobbled uncertainly underneath me.

Reluctantly we separated, knowing we needed to get some clothes on before the delivery driver showed up and got an eyeful. Shannon discarded the condom, pulled his briefs and jeans back on and gave me a quick kiss before stepping out onto the balcony for a cigarette. I grabbed my panties and Shannon's t-shirt and hopped off to the bathroom for a quick cleanup.

Once the pizza arrived we settled in on the sofa, satiating the other appetite we had worked up while we talked about nonsense. His company was like a drug for me, it quieted my anxieties and was fast becoming an addiction. As soon as we had finished the pizza we were back in each other's arms, him pulling me onto his chest as he combed his fingers through my hair. I took my customary sniff of him and realized the scent was a little different, then smiled when I realized why. I could smell me there too, my almond shampoo mixing in with his leathery notes. With a satisfied sigh, I snuggled in a little tighter, planting tiny kisses on his bare skin.

“There you go smelling me again,” he said.

“I know. They say that smell is the sense most closely linked to memory. I'm just making strong memories.”

“You know,” he said tentatively, “I used to live in New York. I could come out there with you, help you get used to the place.”

And with just one sentence that ache in my chest was back. I felt the weight of our circumstances heavily again and knew that I had put off this discussion for as long as I could. “We should probably talk about what's going to happen tomorrow,” I said, not lifting my head from his chest.

He seated his chin on the top of my head and wrapped me a little tighter in his arms. “What's to talk about? You're going to get on a plane and run off and conquer the world and apparently I'm going to stay here and think how you wanted me so bad you refused to let me do anything so we could stay together.”

I sat up and turned to face him. It was crazy how hard this was, for both of us, but for some reason he didn't see how hard it was for me. He was very much an immediate gratification kind of person, and I could never stop looking at the big picture. Somehow I had to get our two points of view to meet. “It's not like that Shannon.”

“Feels like that,” he said flatly. His jaw was set and I could see the same dark clouds in his eyes I had noticed at his apartment. It was tearing me apart to see the hurt on his face, but it only further illustrated how right my decision was. He wasn't going to like any of this, but I hoped he would understand.

“When I was in the fourth grade I entered this silly Halloween ghost story contest through the local newspaper.” I began. “ I didn't win, but I fell in love with storytelling. I knew that's what I wanted to do with my life, tell people stories. I wanted to write movies. Roger came along, we were instant best friends, we started dreaming our dreams together. When we were twelve we decided we were going to move to Los Angeles as soon as we graduated high school. I was going to go to film school, he was going to be a model or an actor, he couldn't decide. Eventually, I decided I wanted to be a novelist, and after a couple of disastrous high school drama performances, Roger decided that modeling was going to be his thing. We discussed going to New York instead of L.A. then, it was probably the better choice for the paths we were taking, but Roger got an offer from a modeling agency out here before our senior year was even up and so we just stuck with plan A. The thing is through all those years I have worked and planned for this. I have taken classes and seminars, read books, and practiced and practiced. I have boxes and boxes of notebooks and journals I have written in over the years. My parents really didn't have enough money to pay for me to go to school out of state, so I planned out what I would need, got a job as soon as I was old enough to work, and got myself out here. And yes, I won that scholarship, and that helped, but it's been a struggle. But I wanted to do it without a lot of debt so once I graduated I was free to take whatever jobs would let me travel and write until I was able to get published. This internship can make the last pieces all fall into place. It's everything I've dreamed of. Years of planning and years of hard work all falling into place.”

“I know, I get it. You're on a path and I'm just a speed bump.”

“No, you don't get it. I am on a path but you're not just a speed bump. You're a six car pile-up that's threatening to shut the whole highway down. It's taking every bit of reason and willpower I have not to tell you yes. I am so close to giving it all up. Over you. The guy I've spent a day and a half with. The guy I didn't even know three weeks ago, and didn't know I had feelings for at all until six days ago.”

'It doesn't matter Jane. People fall in love in a day all the time.”

There it was. That word I had so carefully been avoiding. I pressed on. “And look at you. You came out here to change your life. You've got all this talent and I know that you and Jared and going to be huge with the music thing, however that pans out. You've found your thing, you found it a long time ago too even though you fell off the path for a bit. And now you're ready to toss it all aside over someone you barely know.”

“It doesn't have to be throwing it all away. Shannon's voice was soft, and in it, I could hear the same anguish I was feeling. “You can keep writing, you can take classes here...”

“While what? What's the other part of that equation, Shannon? If you're busy taking care of me what happens to the music? If you run off to New York to follow me, what happens to you and Jared and your dreams?”

“We'd figure something out. He says he wants to do it but he just signed for another movie.” That at least made Shannon's insistence on us staying together make a little more sense. Not only was he vulnerable from being newly sober and lonely but he probably felt like Jared was backing out of their plans. I doubted that was the case though.

“But he'll still be here. You can still keep pursuing your dream. You come to New York with me and it all gets so much more complicated, and that means it all gets so much more unlikely. I'm not going to throw away my dreams over you and I won't let you give up yours for me.”

He was quiet now, and I think what I was saying was finally starting to register. I softened my delivery a bit. “We met at the wrong time. We may be the right people for each other, I don't know, we didn't have time to figure it out. But this isn't the right time for either of us to be in a relationship, let alone uprooting our lives and moving thousands of miles for someone we only just met. I know it hurts now. It hurts more than I would have ever thought. But after time it will hurt a little less.”

Shannon pulled me back against him. I wasn't done, I knew the next part was going to go over even worse, but I let him have a minute.

“I'll come and see you as soon as I can Janey. We can call, and...”

I broke away from his embrace. “No.”

He gave me a puzzled look. “No? What the hell do you mean no?”

“How does this go when you look down the road Shannon? Do you even think about where all this is going?”

He shook his head. “I figured we'd see what developed.” He took my hands, locking his fingers into mine. “You can't know the future, Jane.”

I sighed, and I could feel the tears forming again. I had cried more of them over Shannon in a week than I had ever cried over anyone. I knew more were about to fall. I just had to get through as much of this as I could before that started happening. “No. But there aren't a lot of ways this can go, Shannon. Let's say we try to keep this going, You aren't in a place where you can handle lonely right now. It's only going to be a matter of time before one of these girls makes you forget all about your out-of-sight-out-of-mind girlfriend. And then I end up hating you. And if you do manage to stay faithful then you're going to end up resenting me for everything you're missing out on here by yourself while I'm gone for who knows how long.”

“It doesn't have to be that way,” he countered, his voice soft, but I could tell he saw the same scenario as I did now.

“We're going to spend tonight together, and tomorrow, until the shuttle comes to pick me up. And then that's it, Shannon. That's where it has to stop.” The first hot tear fell, hitting the back of my hand but I kept going. “No phone calls. No letters. If we try to keep this going one of us is going to cave sooner or later. I'm not going to give up everything I've worked for when I'm so close, and I'm not going to be the person that drags you off your path either.” I pulled his hand to my face, kissing it gently. I could feel him shaking with the effort of staying composed. “If we're meant to be it will happen. Maybe someday we'll meet again. It feels so cruel to have come this close but at least we'll just have good memories. I don't ever want to hate you.”

“I know you're right. I hate it. It's the reasonable, smart, forward-looking thing to do and it goes against everything I am but you're right.” He pulled me back to him, waiting for my tears to pass. I could hear his heartbeat at my ear, strong and fast, and I knew he was wrestling those demons again. More than anything I wanted him to win. I lifted my head to face him. His thick lashes were damp with the tears he was struggling to contain, and I remembered the way he had looked that afternoon after coming in from the rain. The first time I had snuggled against him. The first time he held me. The way he smelled. The chaste little kiss as he left. There was a whole file in my head now that was Shannon. I wasn't done filling it.

“There's not too much to do here. We could get dressed and go back out if you want. We still have time for more memories.”

He pulled me back against his chest. “Maybe. Not right now. Right now can I just hold you for a while?”

“Sure,” I told him, settling in. I laid there for a moment then remembered something. Hopping up I quickly searched the place until I found where I had discarded it when coming through the door --- the stuffed monkey from the pier. I laid back down on Shannon's chest, clutching the monkey between us.

“What, you needed a teddy bear?” he asked.

“I want it to smell like us,” I explained. “I'm going to take it on the plane with me to get through my Shannon withdrawals.”

He pulled the monkey out from where I had crushed it between us and gave it a quick kiss before handing it back. “You can take my kiss with you too now,” he said. “What do I get to keep?”

Everything had mostly been sent ahead but there were still quite a few things in the apartment that we didn't need in New York that Jefferson was going to take care of. I tried to think of something that Shannon might want. “Well, I wore this t-shirt...” I suggested weakly, indicating his shirt that I currently had on.

“Nope. Weak. That was already mine. I want something that was yours.”

I spied the throw that was still on the end of the sofa, the one we had cuddled under while we watched Phantasm together. I pulled it over on top of us. “How's this?” I suggested.

He brought it up to his face, sniffing it the way I sniffed everything that he touched. “I don't know. It doesn't smell like you,” he said with a playful smile. I was so happy to see that smile. I settled the throw over us.

“Well, then we'll just lie here with the blanket and the monkey until they both do,” I said, putting my head back onto his chest.

We didn't say another word, we just stayed wrapped up in each other for the next hour. I think we needed time to process what was happening. Eventually, though I was afraid I was going to fall asleep like that and I didn't want to waste any of our remaining hours.

“Do you want to go for a walk or something?” I asked him, sitting up. He shook his head, stood up and held out his hand. I took it and he pulled me up into his arms. He trailed his finger up the column of my throat before tipping my chin up to him. Gently he brushed his lips against mine, barely connecting before retreating and then moving in with another touch at a slightly different location. I let my lips fall open, inviting him to delve in further, but he continued with the small motions, cupping my face in his hands as he moved to my cheeks and forehead. I let my hands come to rest on his waist, my head swirling as he tasted me. I'd never been kissed like that. I'd never been wanted like that. I knew in that moment that I would find my way back to him again. I would complete my trials like Psyche, I would travel to the underworld if that was what it took but I would get back to my Cupid.

Without so much as a word Shannon took my hand and led me back to the bedroom. We were still only half dressed from our erotic adventures at the dining room table so disrobing took almost no time. Still, he was gentle and slow, scooping me up and positioning me on the pillows before settling over me, mapping my softer body with his own firm one. He lingered over every inch of me, kissing me from ankle to collarbone, tracing every piece of my fevered flesh with fingers and tongue and lips and teeth until I was lost in the sweet haze of him.

His hand moved between us, and I winced when his fingers found my swollen and tender nub. I was unused to all this passion and my body was tired and beginning to protest. Shannon just gently eased his fingers through my swollen lips, swirling the moisture of my arousal over my tender flesh until I acclimated to his touch. After quickly sheathing himself he positioned himself at my portal, leaving the head pressed against me. He cupped his hand against the side of my head, turning me so that we were looking directly into each other's eyes. Softly he kissed me, then pressed forward, our bodies again fusing together.

He moved deliberately against me, never taking those warm hazel eyes off of my own. We were pressed together so tightly I could feel his chest heaving with the intense effort he was making at maintaining control. I let my hand wander, tracing the outline of his shoulders before running my nails down his back. Everything built so slowly and was so much more intense, and when my orgasm finally found me I was left shaking in the wake of it. So many emotions ran over me. This was nothing like I had experienced before. As his own climax claimed him I brought my hand up to the side of his face and my name spilled from his lips. This time, I felt it too. This time it wasn't a lie. For at least that moment in time, I loved him.

I had meant to stay awake until time to leave. But I was so exhausted, and his embrace was so warm and comfortable then I quickly drifted off to sleep. When I awoke a few hours later he was nibbling at my shoulder again and I could feel his arousal pressing into my back.

We passed our remaining time like that, tangling and separating, wrapped together in my nearly empty bedroom, consumed with each other. We were done running about for adventures, we were all the adventure we needed. I was lying across Shannon's chest, regarding our hands as they pressed against each other when Roger knocked on my bedroom door.

“Jane,”” he said from the other side, his voice gentle, “I just thought you should know the shuttle will be here in about 30 minutes. Are you ready?”

My stomach twisted. The time I had been dreading was here. I got up from the bed, not daring to turn around and look at Shannon. “I need a shower,” I pointed out, grabbing my robe and a change of clothes before heading to the bathroom. When I came back out, Shannon had stripped the bed down and packed everything back up. My bags were sitting by the front door with that carnival monkey on top of them and he was on the sofa, holding his t-shirt and that throw.

“Here,” he said, getting up to hand me the t-shirt. “I thought you might want to keep this.”

I took it and put away my remaining belongings in my bag, tears already starting to run down my face. I turned to find Shannon standing directly behind me and I threw myself into his arms. It had all gone too fast. As I clutched him tightly I closed my eyes and tried to memorize the way he felt against me.

“Jane...” he began, his voice as shaky as I was feeling.

“I know.”

Roger came out of the bedroom then, doing a final walk through the apartment to see if we had forgotten anything.

“Jane where are your keys,” he asked, in a voice that sounded like he was speaking to an injured animal. I pointed to the table where I had left them the night before. He moved them to the kitchen counter with his own. “We should go down now.”

Shannon and I pulled apart and we all grabbed suitcases and headed out of the apartment. When we got to the parking lot the shuttle was already pulling up and I dropped the bag I was carrying and threw myself back into Shannon's arms.

“It's okay Jane. You can do this. You're going to be amazing," he said, clutching the back of my head. I gripped him more tightly as Roger and the shuttle driver began loading our bags. Eventually, he pulled me back. “Go make me proud to say I knew you.”

He kissed me again, for the last time. I knew if I lingered any longer it was only going to get harder. “I'm already proud to say I knew you,” I told him before climbing into the shuttle and curling myself into Roger's lap. I didn't look back. I didn't have enough resolve left to look at the hurt on his face and not throw myself back into his arms.

Letting Shannon go like that was the hardest thing I had ever done, but I was finally listening to my intuition. L.A. had been a childhood dream of mine, and going to New York to start this job was where my childhood ended. I would do well with the internship and move on to the permanent position with the tuition allowance that paid not only that last year of undergraduate studies but also paid for my graduate degree. We both had dreams to chase. There would be no phone calls.

I had fallen for Shannon in a way I had never fallen for anyone before. But Shannon Leto was a lesson that twenty-one-year-old me was only just beginning to learn. It felt like an end, but if I could have seen the plot outline of my own novel, I would have known.

Those three weeks? Were just the introduction. This is where the story begins.

 


	17. Chapter 17

_Shannon's POV_

 

“Wake the fuck up Shan.”

Jared gave the end of the bed a hard kick and then went to open the heavy hotel drapes, letting in way more sunlight than I was ready for. I rolled over onto my stomach and pulled the pillow over my head. I would have told him to fuck off but the ringing in my head made me just want everything to be as quiet as possible. This was supposed to be our off day. All I wanted to do was sleep.

“Come on bro, get up. I want to head out soon and you need a shower. You smell like a barroom floor.”

He sounded awake and energetic and relentlessly cheerful. I wanted to kill him. I pulled my hand out from under the pillow long enough to flip him off. He just chuckled, waited a few minutes and then started in again.

“Get up. I told you last night I wanted to go into town today.” He yanked the pillow off of my head.

“Dammit Jared, you're really putting the dick in dictatorial this morning. Fuck off.” I told him, rolling over to squint at him.

“It's not morning, it's 1 o'clock in the afternoon.” He disappeared into the bathroom and I could hear the shower starting. “Come on man, we need to get going,” he said, sticking his head back out of the bathroom. I was in no mood though.

“Go without me. Take Matt or Kevin or someone else.”

“Fuck Shannon, get up. I told you last night. I don't want to take anyone else. Come on.”

Knowing Jared he wasn't going to shut up until he got his way so I threw a pillow at him and stumbled into the bathroom. I got cleaned up and dressed but my stomach was rolling and my head ringing from the night before. We had really tied one on after the show. I wasn't even sure I was entirely sober yet. “What the hell is so important?”

“Just want to spend some time with my big brother. I'm allowed to do that right?” he asked. Bullshit. I just groaned in response. He tossed me my sunglasses. “Let's get something on your stomach and get going.”

We grabbed some lunch and Jared kept checking his watch the entire time. I knew something was up, he was being cagey as fuck, but I was in no mood to argue. I just tagged along silently as he dragged me from place to place, rummaging through dusty thrift stores and this one weird new age-y place that I think just sold bells, all the while wishing there was some sort of 'volume' control on my sunglasses so I could turn them up. Eventually whatever time he had been waiting for on his watch was up, and he dragged me out of the bell store and into the bookstore two doors down. I was actually standing there with my eyes closed when Jared shoved a book against my chest.

“Here,” he told me, “go get your book signed.”

Without even looking at it I tried to hand the book back to him. “Dude I am not in the mood for your little games today. Why don't you go get your own book signed.”

He flipped the book jacket open and held it under my face. “Go get your book signed Shannon,” he said again.

With a groan, I took it from his hand and examined it. And everything stopped. I flipped it over in my hands several times, taking my sunglasses off for a better look. The front cover had a picture of trees and a dirt road, and the title, _The Moonthieves_ at the top. At the bottom was the author's name: _Jane S. Sewell._ I looked at the jacket leaf that Jared had opened and there she was, her face smiling up at me from the glossy paper. It was one of those bland, corporate looking author pictures but it was definitely my Janey. I stood there flipping the book back and forth in my hands for several minutes before it sank in. _Go get your book signed Shannon._ She was here. Jane was here.

Jared was watching me turn the book over and over, the biggest shit eating grin on his face. I wondered how long he had been sitting on this little surprise. Dazed, I looked around but didn't see where I should go. Jared grabbed me and steered me toward the back of the store where a small table had been set up. I couldn't see Jane, there were too many people around the table. I took my place in line, trying to think of what I was going to say to her.

So much had changed since the last time I saw Jane. It had been seven years since I sat down across the table from the girl with the big eyes and the crazy hat. Seven years that felt like a hundred. Seven years that had seen the music thing turn into the band thing, then an album thing that took forever to record but was getting good reviews, and now a tour thing. She had been right when she said it would fall into place for me. It looked like things were falling into place for her too, just as she wanted. I gave the book a closer look, flipping back to the author's blurb.

 

_Jane S. Sewell is an award-winning editor, author, and recipient of the prestigious Young-Allen fellowship. She received her graduate degree from NYU and currently resides in New York, where she shares her home, and occasionally her guacamole, with her best friend._

 

I couldn't help but smile. Of course, she and Roger were still thick as thieves. I couldn't imagine them being any other way. It sounded as if she was getting everything she worked for and wanted. She had been right. We'd both had big dreams to pursue, marks to make on the world, and it looked like we were both achieving them. And now our tours had landed us in the same city at the same time. That had to be a sign. Maybe we were destined to come back to each other in the end after all. I flipped to the front of the book to read the dedication.

 

_For everyone that's ever touched me_

_For everyone that's ever held me_

_For everyone that ever believed_

 

_For you Roger. You never wavered for a minute, even when I did._

_For you Angus. You know why._

 

I felt my smile falter a bit. Who the fuck was Angus, and why was his name here? I knew the jealousy was irrational, Angus could have been her publisher, a professor, the guy who sold her bagels every morning. It wasn't like we were supposed to be sitting around waiting for each other to pop up again. We specifically agreed not to do that. Hell, I didn't even know how many women I had been with since Jane. I had thrown myself into the rock star life pretty hard and landed in my share of gutters. So why did that one line make my stomach clench?

The line moved and I looked up at the table where the small crowd had finally shifted away. Jane was smiling warmly at the teenage girl in front of her as she took her book to sign. She was even more stunning than I remembered. She had definitely grown up, there was a polish to her now, her dark blonde curls were tamed, she moved with a poise that would have escaped the slightly nerdy wannabe bad-girl of my memory. But the gold shirt she was wearing made those big green eyes of hers sparkle, and I knew my Jane was in there. I looked over at Jared, who was lingering off to the side, that same smile still plastered on his face. There was something off about him though, he still had something up his sleeve. He may have been able to pull the wool over mom's eyes but I had always known when he was up to shit. He was still sitting on something big.

The line shifted again and I was next. There was no one behind me. I turned away slightly, not wanting her to catch a glimpse of me before I was ready. I still didn't know what to say to her. I wished Jared hadn't sprung this on me like a surprise. I was tired and hungover and my head felt like a circus full of monkeys was loose in it. I thought about just throwing my arms around her for a hug but I didn't know if she even wanted to see me.

Someone tapped my shoulder and I realized my turn was up. Jane wasn't even looking at me, she was distracted in conversation with the well-dressed lady sitting next to her. I gave a dry swallow and held the book out to her.

“Could you make it out to Shannon please?” I said. _Jesus, Shan, really, that's the best you could come up with?_ She finished whatever she was saying and then took the book, finally looking at me for the first time.

“Shannon?” she said, taking the book. She immediately broke into a huge smile and I let out the breath I had been holding. She certainly seemed happy to see me.

“Hey, Jane.” I was glad to see her smile but I still was at a loss for words. “You look good.”

She clicked her tongue and leaned her head to the side. “That's all I get after all this time? You look good?” She stood up and walked out from behind the table. “Can I at least get one of those amazing hugs you were always throwing around?”

Relieved, I pulled her against me, and I felt my heart start racing the second we made contact. However improbably, whatever that chemistry that had been between us that had made us fall so hard so fast still had its remnants in my bloodstream, even after all this time. I held her tight, waiting for her sniff me like she always had. Instead, she was the first one to break out of the embrace.

“Hi Jared,” she said, noticing him where he stood off to the side. He was leaning against a nearby bookcase, wearing the same expression he'd had since we came into the bookstore. He just nodded at Jane in return. I began to get an uneasy feeling. She turned her attention back to me. “So it looks like you guys have done well for yourselves. I have your album you know. I really like it.”

“Thanks. I'm sorry I didn't know you had been published. I guess I've been pretty preoccupied with the band and everything.”

“Yeah, I guess you have,” she said in a tone I couldn't read. “The other stuff was just short stories in anthologies and things. This is my first novel.”

“Well I'm going to sit down and read it as soon as I can, I promise,” I told her.

Standing this close to her, so many things I had pushed down into the back of my mind started flooding back out. I remembered how she had looked at me like I was already somebody long before anyone else did, just when I needed someone too. I wondered if she knew how important to me she had been. I wondered if she still thought of me at all.

“So it looks like you're doing pretty good for yourself Jane,” Jared began, finally stepping away from the bookcase. _Here it comes,_ I thought, _whatever it is._

“Yeah, things are really coming together for me now. And you guys too!” She replied with a smile. She looked so happy. I hoped at least part of that was because she was happy to see me. “I've kept up with both of you, you know. Really liked some of your movies.”

“Thanks,” Jared said. “I read a review of your book and did a little internet sleuthing to make sure it was really you.”

Jane laughed. “Yeah, I'm not as easy to keep up with as you are. Oh, I guess I should congratulate you, not only did the acting take off and the band but you're getting married too right?”

At this point Jared's smile got so big I thought it was going to take over his whole face and I realized that whatever bullshit he had been strewing about Jane had just stepped right into it.

“Yup. And congratulations to you too, Jane. When's the big date?”

My heart stopped. Was that who Angus was? Her fiancee? I knew she wasn't sitting around waiting for me to drop back into her life again but married? Jared looked positively gleeful. Suddenly it all made sense. Jared had been furious after Jane left, seeing how hurt I was when she had gone but I think also he was pissed because she hadn't chosen him. He knew that I still carried around a picture of her, that I had never really been able to let her go. I think this was his way of getting the last word. I had never wanted to punch him so bad in my life.

Jane just laughed, oblivious that there was anything wrong. “Not until next March,” she said. “I have this book tour to finish and he's overseas on assignment right now.” She turned to me. “I wish I could stick around and hear you guys play tomorrow night but I have to do some morning talk show here and then I'm on a plane to Cincinnati.”

The woman Jane had been sitting with reached over and touched her on the arm. “Ms. Sewell, the signing is officially over, I'm just going to start packing up, if you'd like a few minutes with your friends.”

A few minutes. Seven years apart and I was only going to be seeing her again for a few minutes, and then she was running off to marry someone else. It was a cruel tease. I glared at Jared. He just shrugged his shoulders. “I know you think you won somehow. You can be a real fucking bastard when you want to be Jay.” Jane looked between us, confused. “I can't believe you're getting married,” I told her.

“Didn't Jared tell you?” she looked over at Jared who had crossed his arms in front of him and was standing with a resolute look on his face.

“No, I didn't even know we were coming to see you until we got here.” I looked at Jared before adding pointedly, “apparently I've been completely in the dark.”

I could see the pieces fall together behind Jane's eyes. Her expression immediately shifted to one of anger. “Well, who would have thought. All this time and out of the three of us, the one that's still not over it is you,” she said to Jared.

“You're the only one that's over it, Jane. He still carries your damn picture around.”

“Well I didn't really have a lot of choice but to get over it, did I?” She glared at him for a minute before turning back to me. “That's not true, is it? Because you sure haven't acted like you weren't over me.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “There's a picture of you in my guitar case. I don't exactly carry it everywhere.” I said sheepishly. I did like to have it remember. Sometimes when I was doubting myself it was nice to look at it and remember how solidly she had believed in me. “What do you mean I haven't acted like I wasn't over you?”

Jane sighed. “Come on Shannon. Jared isn't the only one that can use the internet. You have certainly been partying it up. I come across those videos sometimes and I don't think I ever even knew you.”

I think out of everything she could have said that was probably the most hurtful. When things had been rough I had often thought of the way Jane saw me, tried to remember that I was so much more than my fuck ups. But if she was wrong... “Jesus, Jane.” I didn't know what else to say. Jared looked like he'd won the fucking lottery. I was going to beat the shit out of him tonight, I didn't care how old we were.

“I'm sorry. That sounded a lot harsher out loud than it did in my head. I just meant that we had this little fantasy bubble, it wasn't real. Reality would have crushed us.” Her face was so sad now, and I imagined the disappointment she must feel in looking at what had become of me. Fuck. Jared had warned me about behaving in front of cameras and I had just blown him off. What the hell did I care what people thought?

“Please don't think I regret anything. I've missed you too, I really have.” She looked over at Jared. “You're a fucking prick.”

Jared just shook his head. “No, I'm putting this thing to bed once and for all.”

I stood there in silence, not sure what to do with everything I was feeling. It was true I hadn't exactly been standing around letting life pass me by while I waited to see if Jane would ever turn up again. But I hadn't really examined what I'd been doing at all, I had just been living the moment. Jane grabbed the book I had handed her to sign and finished writing something in it and then handed it to me.

“If you're not too mad at me. I'd like to get to know you again.” I opened the book and saw she had written her number inside. “I'm sorry it's not much of an inscription. I don't think I could say everything I need to on a flyleaf. I have an interview to get to but call me tonight if you want?” She gave me another hug, again without a sniff, and then she was gone.

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

I stormed out of the bookstore as soon as Jane was gone, leaving Jared behind before I said or did something I couldn't take back. This was beyond petty. He had been increasingly pissy the last few months, and I had just chalked it up to the stress of living out of a tour bus with people you were probably getting tired of seeing 24/7. That didn't explain.. well... whatever the fuck had just happened.

We had both taken an immediate liking to Jane that first night in the diner. She wasn't just pretty, she was warm and bright and I loved the way she just rolled with the punches that evening, having a drunk stranger take over her quiet table and steal her fries. Jared wanted to call her back and ask her out the next day but I had fallen for her hard and I convinced him to back off to give me a chance to win her over. I had always thought that he only agreed to my suggestion because he thought he was certainly going to win, that she would, of course, pick him. The girls always picked him. When she didn't though....

Of course, he had been furious after the incident at the party. We both were. I had been doing everything I could to get Jane to see past Jared, and I thought had finally won. I was crushed when I found out otherwise, and I took a lot of it out on Jared. But he had been the one to go and see Jane first, the one to pave the way for Jane and me to mend fences, or so I thought. I wondered now if that had been his intention at all. He had not been happy when Jane and I got together anyway. He'd been even more unhappy when I had moped around the apartment for weeks after she left, the way I slept with that blanket for months before I finally let him wash it, the way I left pictures of her strewn around for years afterward. I didn't understand why it had bothered him so much. But the rivalry I thought we had buried years ago apparently was still very much alive for Jared. Finding out about Jane's impending wedding just gave him the fuel he needed to blow it up once and for all. I just didn't understand why he felt like he needed to. Why couldn't he let me have this? Shit, he was supposed to be getting married, he couldn't let me nurse along a seven-year-old crush?

I probably should have taken a cab back to the hotel but I was fuming and I wanted to walk it off. When I passed a liquor store I went in and picked up a bottle of whiskey, thought it about and grabbed a two more. I wanted to be smashed for at least the next couple of days. If I hadn't been in an unfamiliar city I likely would have been chasing down something stronger than alcohol. Thank God for small favors I guess.

By the time I got back to the hotel Jared was already there, sitting on my bed. “Get out,” I said, leaving the door open before going to toss the liquor and Jane's book down on the dresser. Jared got up and moved from the bed but instead of leaving he just closed the door behind him.

“I don't know why you're so pissed at me. All I did was take you to her,” he said. He crossed his arms and stood by the door, apparently determined to make me stay and talk this out with him. I was done playing his games though.

“That's not 'all you did' and you fucking know better.” I spat back at him. “Even if it was, did you have to look so fucking happy when she stomped all over my heart?”

“You need to get over her. This has gone on too long. She was never...”

I cut him off. “I'll decide what I do and don't need to get over. Do you even know what you took from today? Do you have any fucking clue?”

“A fantasy. I took away a fantasy, that's all.”

He really had no idea what he had done to me. “No. It wasn't.”

“I did you a favor today. You'll see that eventually.” When I didn't respond he changed his tone. “Look, fuck her. Forget her. Come out with us tonight and we'll pick up a couple of girls that will make you forget all about that manipulative little mouse.”

I was starting to see red. I didn't understand where the hell all this was coming from but if it had been anyone but Jared I would have decked him. I wasn't sure I still wasn't going to. “Jared you need to get the hell out now before I throw you out.”

He set his jaw and but took a step back. “I can just let myself back in. I have the key card remember?”

I growled but resisted the urge to tackle him. I just grabbed a pillow, the whiskey, my phone and Jane's book and went into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. “You don't have a damn key card for here!” I shouted at him as I locked the door between us. “Now go fuck off! I am done with you for today!”

I heard a loud noise that was probably him punching the wall, then the door slammed shut. I wasn't going to go back out and see if he actually meant to leave me alone though. I threw the pillow into the bathtub, grabbed a bottle and Jane's book and climbed in. Several chapters and half a bottle later I was thumbing the flyleaf, wondering if enough time had passed that I could call her. I started dialing. She picked up on the third ring.

“Hey, Jane. It's Shannon. You said I could call.” Too late I realized I hadn't planned out what to say. I just wanted to hear her voice again. I just wanted to understand what had happened.

“Hi, Shannon. I'm so glad you called. I was afraid you wouldn't.” The cheerfulness that had been in her voice earlier was gone. I tried not to think too hard about what that might mean. “I'm sorry for the way things went down at the book signing. That couldn't have gone much worse.”

“It's fine.” No, it wasn't fine but I didn't know what else to say.

“What the hell is Jared's deal?” she asked.

Good question. “I honestly have no idea. I don't think he's even brought your name up in ages. I don't know what he thought he was doing.”

She was quiet a minute before continuing. “So how are you, really?”

“I'm great. Everything is great. The band is great. The tour is great. City after city, girl after girl, it's just one big party. It's great.” I took another swig from the bottle.

“You sound drunk Shan.” she said cautiously.

“I'm sure as hell trying to be Jane,” I told her. “You fucking broke my heart today.”

There was a pause and I could hear her swallow before she replied. “I'm sorry Shannon. I didn't mean to... I thought that...”

“Tell me about him,” I said, cutting her off.

'What?”

“This amazing guy that you're running off to marry. This guy that makes you so happy you're going to spend the rest of your life with him. Tell me about him.”

“Shannon...”

“Angus, is that his name?” I could hear the anger leaking out in my voice. I really didn't think I wanted to hear this but I couldn't stop myself. “What's that they always say? 'Oh, you'd like him if you just got to know him!'. Would I Jane? Would I like Angus?”

“No.” Her response was short and quick.

“Does he know about me? Did you tell him about your bad boy phase?”

She sighed. “I never had a bad boy phase. I did have a Shannon phase.”

I felt like I had caught her. “So I was just a phase. Jane's little walk on the wild side.”

“That's not what I meant Shannon.” I could hear the frustration in her voice. I pushed on.

“Tell me about him. Why wouldn't he like me?”

“I don't think you really want to hear this Shan. I think you're just looking for an excuse to be angry with me.”

I took another drink. “I don't need to go looking for excuses, I already have reasons. Why don't you want to tell me about your husband to be Jane? Why wouldn't I like him?”

There was silence on the line. I wasn't even sure why I was beating my head so hard against this particular wall, but beating my head pointlessly against things is sort of a go-to for me. She finally started to answer. “He's...”

“... everything I'll never be.” The bitterness is my voice was so thick I was surprised she answered me.

“He's just not you.” There was a sadness in the way she said that that made me stop. I pictured her sitting in the center of her bed, pillow in her lap, beautiful in the dim hotel lights. It took a few minutes before she continued. “Yes, his name is Angus. He's a foreign correspondent and he's working in South Korea right now. He's a great guy. We originally met at NYU but we became friends, did some traveling together. He's smart and kind and hard working. He takes good care of me. But it's not like any of that matters. You'll never like him because I'm with him.”

Yeah, everything I'll never be alright. She seemed to have gone out of her way to pick a nice, respectable, nothing-like-Shannon guy. “Did you start seeing him as soon as you got to New York? Did you think about me at all once you left?”

“Of course I thought about you. I don't know what you think happened but I didn't just run off and forget you. Angus and I were friends for years before anything else happened. And what right do you have to demand to know anything about my love life? How many girls have you screwed this week alone Shannon? Don't be mad I went out and had a life when you had one too.”

She didn't understand at all. “They didn't mean anything. You're the one that went and got serious with this guy with the stupid name. When did you give up on me? The first time Mr. Respectable bought you flowers?”

I heard a noise that sounded an awful lot like a sniffle. I wondered if she was crying. I felt awful and rewarded at the same time. “I thought about you all the time. You told me I was amazing. I thought you believed in me. When things were bad, I remembered you were out there, that you thought I was worth something. You killed all of that today Janey. The thing that I've been holding onto for years was just a lie. You think I'm garbage, don't you? Just some wild, drinking, whoring piece of trash you accidentally got stuck to your shoe?”

“You broke my heart first.” Her voice was soft, I barely even heard her reply. When she started talking again her voice was cracking and I knew she was crying now. “I thought you were different. I thought you saw me for who I was too. I waited a long time with Angus. And as soon as he started getting serious, started talking about marriage, the first thing I did was try to find you. So I got on the internet. I tried to find out exactly where you guys were, what you were doing. I kept coming across these videos, you and the guys, on that bus like it was some kind of rolling frat house.”

Those fucking videos again. Someone had leaked out some shit of us partying and goofing off and Jared had hit the damn roof so hard I was surprised he didn't get a concussion. I was only just now seeing the problem. “So I did some partying and you wrote me off without a word?”

“It wasn't the partying Shan. It was the way you were with people. The minute those fangirls turned their backs you were so mean and disrespectful. People like that made my life hell. When I got with you I thought that you liked me for who I was. Total package. But if you had known me when I was younger, when I wasn't so pretty... I realized you would have been as mean to me as they were. You were one of them, Shannon. I realized I had been stupid for thinking after a few days that I knew you.” I could hear her crying, hear her trying to compose herself before continuing. “I didn't set out to take anything from you today. But I know how you feel. I've already been down this road.”

She was quiet now except for a few sniffles. I was suddenly very aware of myself at that moment, a bitter, sad drunk, sitting fully clothed in a hotel bathtub. I knew exactly what she was talking about. She was right. I had been terrible. I didn't have to imagine she was disappointed in me anymore, I knew that she was. She had put a little piece of her self-esteem in my hands the same way I had put a piece of mine in hers and I had tossed it out a tour bus window. I wanted to tell her she was wrong, that I wasn't that person. I didn't use to be. I hadn't been with her. But seven years is a long time. Enough time to lose sight of some things.

“Do you love him?” I didn't know what I wanted her answer to be. If she told me no, then maybe there was some chance we could salvage this. But if she said yes, at least I knew she was happy. She wasn't being dragged down by the likes of me. She didn't say anything. “Tell me you don't. I'll straighten myself out. I'll be who I used to be. I'll put us back together if you let me try.” Again there was no response, just an occasional sniffle that let me know the line was still open.

I wished I was better with words. Jared did most of the talking for the two of us, and when Jane and I had been together it was her that always gave the big speeches. But now we were only connected by an open phone line, and all I had to try to fix this was words and I knew it was never going to be enough. “What hotel are you in? Let me come see you.”

Again, there was only that near silence. I was beginning to think the line had gone dead after all when she finally responded. “Indianapolis.”

I was confused. “I thought you were still here in town. You mean the hotel is named Indianapolis?”

“No,” she replied. “We'll be in the same town again when you guys play Indianapolis for Lollapalooza. I think we both have a lot to think about. Why don't we talk again then.”

It wasn't the immediate meeting I was craving but it was better than nothing. It was at least a little hope. “Okay. But I'd still like to see you now.”

“I don't think that's a very good idea, Shannon. But you can call me again between now and then if you want.”

There was one set of words I had been swallowing for seven years. If I was out of all the others, maybe it was finally time for them. “I love you, Jane. I've loved you since the first time you laid your head on my shoulder. Please don't give up on me.”

I heard her breath catch as she answered. “I'll see you in Indianapolis, Shannon.”

And the line went dead. I threw my head back against the tile, feeling defeated.  At least she hadn’t said she loved him.  And then I remembered something:

_“I wish I could stick around and hear you guys play tomorrow night but I have to do some morning talk show here and then I'm on a plane to Cincinnati.”_

_“We'll be in the same town again when you guys play Indianapolis for Lollapalooza.”_

She knew our schedule. She knew where we were going to be and when we were going to meet up again. She was still following me along. She still cared enough to keep all that in her head. Maybe there was some hope here after all. I put the pillow back, put the book and whiskey away and started the shower.

 


	19. Chapter 19

“Wake the fuck up Shan.”

Jared gave the end of the bed a hard kick and I started to think I was stuck in the worst Groundhog's Day ever. But this time there was no doubt about whether I had sobered up yet; I was still thoroughly drunk. After the shower, trying to sleep off the whiskey and the shitty day, I had passed out in my boxers. Judging by the state of my head that hadn't been that long ago. I stuck my head under the pillow and was about to tell Jared to get lost when I heard a giggle. Fucking hell. I was blind drunk and in my underwear and there were obviously people in the room. I grabbed a pillow and pulled it into my lap as I sat up.

“What the fuck Jared. Haven't you done enough damage for one day?” He was standing next to my bed with two pretty women who were probably even drunker than I was. There was a brunette in tight jeans and a cut-off t-shirt and a blonde in a skintight blue dress. They were hanging on him and giggling, and all three of them seemed to be swaying just a little bit. I wasn't sure if that was my head or if was them.

“Is this him?” the brunette asked. “He's hot.”

“This is him,” Jared answered, and that time I'd swear he was actually swaying. “Girls, meet my brother Shannon. Shannon, this is Amy,” he said, gesturing to the brunette “And, uh....” He paused while looking at the blonde. She just kept giggling and waited for him to remember her name. “Kristin? No Kirstin!” he finally said triumphantly.

Kirstin sat down on the bed next to me and rested her head on my shoulder. “Jared told us all about what that awful girl did to you,” she said, running her hand up and down my arm. I wonder what that story looked like when Jared told it. I gave him a nasty look but he just shrugged it off. “So, we came to help cheer you up.”

Amy sat down on my other side and kissed my shoulder. Oh for fuck's sake. I tried to clear my head. I knew this was just piling one bad decision on top of another, but that was easy to do when bad decisions got delivered to you like room service. I turned to tell Kirstin that maybe this wasn't the best night, but just like that someone's tongue was in my mouth and someone else's hand was in my boxers and I figured if I couldn't drink away the misery maybe I could fuck it away. It wasn't like I could be unfaithful to a woman who was engaged to someone else right? I dropped the pillow and grabbed hold of Kirstin, the one with her tongue down my throat. As I pushed her back onto the bed I heard Jared close the door behind him.

 

When I woke up again at least it wasn't to Jared kicking the fucking bed. But then again I was realizing I wasn't in a bed, I had passed out on the floor at some point and now had a mouthful of hotel carpet. I sat up to see Amy and Kirsten balled up together on the bed. The ringing in my head and the shitty way I felt on seeing them told me my little plan to distract myself had failed spectacularly. I got up and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and get rid of the taste of whiskey and self-loathing. Odd how often the two went together.

I woke the girls up and told them in no uncertain terms it was time to go. They were too hungover themselves to protest much and soon I was locking the door behind them. I climbed into the hot shower and stood there until my skin was almost raw, wishing I could just crash back into bed and sleep the day away. But it was getting late, and it was a wonder no one had been to my room to get me up already. We had interviews and sound checks scheduled and I needed to get something on my stomach. I dressed and headed down to the hotel restaurant.

The guys were already there, although it looked they had mostly finished eating. Their plates hadn't been cleared yet and there was a basket of biscuits sitting in the middle of the table. I took one as I sat down and laid my head on the table while I waited for my coffee.

“How was your night?” Jared asked with a snicker. I didn't even bother acknowledging him. He had his laptop out but was he was talking to Matt. While I ate my biscuit I got an idea.

As soon as I finished my coffee I grabbed Jared's laptop and headed to the small guest office facilities off the hotel lobby. I hooked the laptop to their internet connection and opened a web search. I had been feeling like I was two moves behind whatever chess game Jared and Jane were playing but it was time to catch up. I entered Jane's name in the search bar.

Most of what came up was reviews for her new book (overwhelmingly positive, and from the little I had gotten through yesterday, well deserved) and references to some anthologies she had put together and published. This was nice, but not helping. With a little twist in my gut, I typed the word 'engaged' after her name and started a new search. Now I had his name: Angus McArdle. One more search and a whole new picture emerged. No wonder Jane hadn't wanted to tell me about the guy.

As far as I could tell, the whole “foreign correspondent” thing was just some sort of hobby. Good ol' Angus was the son of some rich hoity-toity Australian family and from the looks of things his actual job was jetting about to private islands or showing up at fancy events in tuxedos with elegantly dressed women on his arm. The term 'millionaire playboy' would not have been a stretch. There were older pictures of him with a few models and some Aussie actress I had never heard of, but there were pictures of Jane there too. The older ones mostly referred to her as “unnamed female companion” or “unidentified lady friend” but the more recent ones identified her by name as his fiancee. He was apparently quite the catch. Rich, handsome, well-educated, from a good family, and Jesus, how tall was this guy? I swear he looked like was about 6'3”. He was like the anti-Shannon. If this was what she was into now I was done for.

Jared came into the office as I was scrolling past pictures of Mr. Perfect and Jane sunning themselves on a beach in Bali. She had on the tiniest little black bikini and she looked amazing. Even better than when I had known her in L.A.. But I guess she was quite the catch herself. Even if she hadn't known it at the time, I had realized that first night that she was out of my league. The years had just proven me right.

“What the fuck are you doing bro?” Jared said from behind me. I just kept scrolling. Jared reached over and closed the laptop. “Well, at least you see what you're dealing with now. Left you pining away while she scrounged up a sugar daddy.”

I really did not want to deal with more of Jared's bullshit today. “Really? That's what you took away from that?”

“Joke will be on her the first time someone leaks pics of him and his mistress on that same beach,” Jared said disdainfully.

I whirled around in my seat. “Okay man, what the hell is your deal with Jane all of the sudden? You haven't mentioned her name in probably a year, and now you're being all nasty about her. Why do you even care? What is actually going on here?”

“She's shown her true colors, Shannon." he said.

“By getting married to a great guy?”

“Yeah, I'm sure it's true love," he sneered. "Couldn't possibly have anything to do with the expensive vacations or that huge rock he put on her finger or the house he's building her. She'll do what it takes to get what she wants. That should have been clear to you when she slept with you to get to me. But for some reason, you don't see her for what she is. I thought you'd come to your senses eventually but you're just as bad as ever.”

“She's right. You're still not over her picking me over you. I didn't think you even liked her that much.”

“I am over it, it's not about that. I didn't care about that two-faced little bitch then and I don't now.”

“She's not who you think she is Jared.”

“Maybe," he replied, "but she's definitely not who you think she is either.”

I rubbed my hand over my face. I was suddenly so tired of all of this. I just wanted to go back to two days ago when I was just fine with my fucked up life. Better than fine. I was enjoying every minute of it. Screw Jared and screw Jane. I was done with all of this.

 

Two weeks later I was asleep in my bunk when my phone rang. Groggily I answered.

“Shannon? I'm sorry if I woke you. It sounds like I woke you.”

Shit. “Jane?” She was the last person I had expected to be calling me. I really didn't think I'd ever hear from her again. She must have kept my number when I called her the first time.

“Yeah, it's Jane. How are you?” There was a pause on the line before she continued. “I was hoping you would call again.”

She was hoping I'd call again? After I made an ass of myself the last time and made her cry? “Why?”

“What do you mean why?” she replied. I could hear the confusion in her voice. It didn't slow me down any.

“Why did you want me to call? Everything in your life is perfect. I'm just a speck of dust so far in the rearview mirror I'm surprised you still remember my name.”

“What the hell, Shannon? Did you just wake up really bitchy? Because I remember our last conversation sounded a whole lot different.”

What the fuck was I doing? She called you, Shannon. _She_ called _you._ Fucking talk to her. “Yeah, maybe." I took a deep breath and started again. "What's up, Jane?”

“I just wanted to talk to you.” For the first time, I heard the tone of her voice. She sounded tired and a little sad. “Tell me what you're doing.”

We were only a few sentences in but this whole conversation was giving me a weird feeling. I didn't know what to tell her. I couldn't imagine what she wanted. So I just answered her question. “Sleeping. I'm on the bus and I was sleeping.”

“Oh. I'm sorry.” She definitely sounded down. I wondered what was actually going on. “Should I let you go?”

I peeked my head out of the curtain to see if it looked like anyone else was listening but I was the only one back in the bunk area. “No. I'm up now. It was just a nap. How are you?”

She sighed. “Exhausted. This whole leg is really over scheduled and I'm not sleeping and I really need a day off.”

Showing all the conversational finesse of a toddler I went straight for what I thought was her weakness. “Why aren't you sleeping?”

Silence. There was a lot of silence in my conversations with Jane, but I think more was said in those silences than the actual words. “Stress, I guess,” she finally answered but I think we both knew better. “I thought I understood what I was in for with this book tour, it sounded like the most boring thing ever but I'm so tired and lonely.”

I hadn't thought about that. I had Jared and the guys but who did Jane have? “Isn't there someone traveling with you?” I asked her.

“No. There's a host that meets me in each city that picks me up from the airport and drives me to things but other than that I'm on my own.”

“I bet you miss Angus,” I said, trying not to sound too bitter.

“I'm used to him not being around much,” she said. “I miss Roger but I'm kind of used to him being gone all the time too.”

I hadn't even asked what he was up to. “How is Roger? Where's he gone to all the time?”

“He's good. He's been working in Europe a lot. Trying to decide what to do next. He's been really smart with his money from the beginning so it's not a huge deal but he's getting a little old for the runway stuff and it's all bound to slow down for him soon.”

Again there was silence. The gulf between us was huge and although I think we both wanted to close it I don't think either one of us had a clue how. “I read your book. It was really good.”

“Oh. Thank you.” She didn't sound very excited. “Did you guys play last night? How was the show?”

“Great. Really great crowd.” This conversation was going nowhere. I took a deep breath and jumped back in. “So, I looked up Angus.”

“Oh good lord....” Jane mumbled. But I had already walked through the door, I wasn't going to quit now.

“I see why you didn't want to tell me about him. He's quite the catch Jane. Well done.”

“Shannon I don't know what you think you know, but trust me...”

I thought about what Jared had said. I wondered if he was the one that had the real handle on this situation. “So you're just going to follow him around and write, huh? Seems to me I made you a similar offer. I guess mine didn't have enough zeros behind it.”

“That's not how it is.” Jane's voice was tight, clipped. “I knew you would start making assumptions. That's the only reason I didn't tell you more about him.”

“Then tell me how it is Jane. I want to know.” I did. If she was happy, in love, I wanted to know. I wanted that for her. But if it was anything but, I felt like I needed to know that too, even if the truth was ugly. I just needed to understand.

“We met at NYU,” she finally responded. “We sat next to each other at a Saturday writing workshop. The workshop was terrible but we got to talking and just hit it off. We started seeing each other for lunch a few days a week, then hanging out together more and more. We were just friends. We took a few vacations together, he brought his girlfriends along on some of them, I took a guy once. He took me back to Australia to meet his family. All as friends. For years.”

I silently wondered if she had just been biding her time, waiting for a chance to get her hooks into him. Jared was getting into my head. She continued. “About two years ago it changed, but it was really just a friends with benefits thing. There was no romance, just...”

“Fucking.” I filled in the blank she was unwilling to. She didn't acknowledge me.

“Eventually though he started to want more. Started taking me out on proper dates, wanted to refer to me as his girlfriend. But....”

The silence again. I hoped the blank that needed filling in here was that she was still too hung up on me but I was too chicken to say it.

“I went along with it for a while. I really did like him, like I said he's a great guy.” And then she said it. “But I was still too hung up on you. I think all along I had just been waiting for the day I turned a corner and there you would be.” I heard the catch in her voice that by now I knew meant she was about to start crying. Jane had always been a crier, she was a soft little marshmallow that wore her heart on her sleeve. I felt like dirt. How could I have ever thought she would be capable of the things Jared was accusing her of? Deceit on that scale seemed way beyond her. “But it never happened. And here was this great guy, who was just crazy about me, who wanted more. I figured fate needed a little help. But I didn't have any way to get to you. I thought maybe I could show up where you guys were playing one night, wait around with the groupies, maybe somehow get your attention. But when I looked online....”

Yeah, we both knew the next part. I hoped she wasn't going to say it again. “He ended up getting pretty serious. And his family was pressuring him to settle down, they were getting tired of the gossip column items. They would have liked me better if I came from a more well-to-do background, but they liked me a lot better than his other girlfriends. So we decided to get married.”

This was ridiculous. “Jane, nowhere, in any part of that story, did I hear “and I just fell so in love with him”. You didn't answer me when I asked you the last time either. You are not in love with him at all, are you? Do you know how fucked up that is?”

I heard the sniffles on the other end of the line. Yeah, she was definitely crying now. I waited for her to compose herself and answer. It took a long time. “I love him as a friend. He knows I'm not in love with him. He just doesn't know why.”

I could feel the lump in my own throat. I swallowed it down and summoned up the courage to ask. _Please let her answer be the one I need to hear._ “Why Jane?”

I listened to her crying while my heart stuttered wildly. Maybe this wasn't over after all. I had lost all hope after my internet sleuthing attempt, I didn't think there was any way I could compete with this guy, but maybe I didn't have to. Maybe he was the one that had to compete with me. “Why Jane?”

“Because I'm in love with you. Still. Probably always.”

Yes! I felt like I had just scaled a mountain. “Then don't marry him. Fuck, Jane. I'm telling you I still love you. I'm telling you I want to be with you. You just admitted you're in love with me. So what the hell are we doing?”

She stayed on that line crying, not answering, for at least a good ten minutes. I was not about to hang up or give up though. I held the line and waited.

“Where are you?” she finally asked. “I've lost track.”

I had no idea. I leaned out of the bunk and yelled towards the front of the bus. “What's the next stop?”

“Tonight is Boise,” Tomo answered.

“Apparently Idaho,” I told her.

“I'm in Texas.” she laughed. “I guess even broken hearts are bigger in Texas.”

She really hadn't given me an answer. “What does that have to do with anything?”

She had stopped crying but her answer was so quiet, she sounded even more fragile. “I don't know how to get out of this Shannon. I don't know what to do. This wedding is a big deal...”

“You call him up and you tell him the wedding is off. That's how you get out of it.”

“No one is going to understand.”

“It shouldn't matter. Either you love me or you don't.”

“Indianapolis is in 10 days. I'll figure this out. I promise.”

The silence settled in again. I wasn't sure what she meant by figure it out. I didn't understand how she could tell me she loved me and marry someone else. None of this made a damn bit of sense. I needed to see her, and I didn't want to wait 10 days to do it.

“Where are you next?” I asked.

“Nowhere near where you guys are going to be and I don't have any off days until the beginning of July. Indianapolis is the 5th. That's the best we can do. But I will be there, I promise." She got quiet again. "Shannon if I'm going to tank my whole life for you, you damn well better be sure that's what you want.”

I hadn't thought about it like that. I hadn't thought about her side of things much at all. Being married to a guy who was a good friend, who was crazy about you and could give you the things Angus could really wasn't that bad of a deal. I guess I could see why she might have agreed. Was I just going to fuck her life up like I did my own? Everything I touched seemed to fall apart. It hadn't been that way with Jane though. I thought with her I could make it all work.

“I'll be sure. You be sure too. Don't do this if it's not what you want.”

Once again the phone conversation ended with the promise of that meeting. “I'll see you in Indianapolis Shannon. I hope you have a great show tonight.”

I held the phone for a while after she hung up. I knew I needed to get my head straight, get my shit together, and I had 10 days to do it. One thing I knew for damn sure. I wasn't going to tell Jared about any of this.

 


	20. Chapter 20

 

I called Jane every day after that. I waited until I was sure Jared was nowhere around to overhear and cause more grief but once I had managed to find some private time for those conversations they went on for hours. They were the best part of my day for the next week and a half. I found out a lot of things as we recapped the intervening seven years for each other.

My life had gone pretty much as predicted. I had dabbled in some other interests, but a focus had finally developed itself and music had become my everything. Once we really had the band together there had been a lot of late nights, road trips and seedy gigs but I had loved all of it. I liked being on the road, even when it was crazy and messy and unpredictable. Even when we had traveled in that crappy van and crashed on people's floors I had loved it. Jane was right. It was my thing and had been all along. It was only waiting for me to chase it.

The more Jane painted the picture of her past seven years the more I realized how much had changed with her. I had assumed since she was a published author that she had spent her time in school and writing. I had assumed since she had cried on the phone like her old marshmallow self that she was still my sweet Janey. But the more she talked, the more I began to get a different picture. Sure, she had started with the job and her degree, but then things had started taking turns. Roger's career had taken off once he moved to New York and when he was getting jobs in Europe Jane had begun going with him every chance she could. Her stories about those travels started with sights and museums and culture but gradually morphed into stories of people and wild parties. Angus, the “guy she met in a writing workshop”, apparently had quickly become a third spoke on their wheel, wilder even than Roger, dragging Jane off on adventures when Roger was busy working. He, of course, had his own resources, and once Jane completed her graduate degree they set themselves loose on the world. I began to understand what she meant when she said Angus's family was tired of the gossip column items. It was far from the picture I had painted in my head. I should have paid more attention to my research. I wondered just who was coming to meet me in Indianapolis.

Jared knew something was up. I was quieter than usual, slipping off for some time to myself whenever I could. I mostly avoided the after parties and road craziness. I had too much to think about. I guess he figured I was still pining away for Jane, which of course I was, but since as far as he knew she was long gone, he didn't pester me about it.

She had gotten a room in the same hotel we were staying at and checked in the night before. I had the room number. I knew she was waiting. I just had to slip away from everyone without them noticing. That proved harder to do than I anticipated when, as soon as we got to the hotel, Jared decided it was time for some sort of 'strategy meeting' or other such bullshit. Honestly, I didn't listen to half the shit he said when he started that stuff. We all had our jobs in the band and I knew he was going to end up handling the interviews and things anyway. When Jared finally shut up for a few minutes, Tomo pulled me aside.

“Go meet your girl, man,” he said with a sly grin. “I'll cover for you.”

I was confused. I hadn't told him anything about Jane. “How do you know about that?”

“About the fact she exists? Because I have ears and you and Jared argued about her for three days straight after you ran into her in Portland. About you meeting her here? Because you only ever check to be sure Jared's not around when you call her. I'm not stupid.”

I was liking our new guitar player more every day. “Thanks for keeping my secret.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He looked around the room quickly to check that Jared was still busy talking with our manager. “Get out of here before he notices. Just don't be late for the radio thing.”

 

The elevator ride up to her floor felt like it took four hours. I was alone in the small compartment and I paced nervously and drummed the walls the entire ride up. I still didn't know where her head was but I felt like if I could just be with her, if I could just get her to sit down with me, we could straighten this all out.

When I had run into Jane in that bookstore a month ago she had seemed content and cheerful. Well at least until Jared started his bullshit. The Jane that opened the door for me now, though she was smiling, seemed tired and fragile. I hoped that wasn't a bad sign. She invited me in, the small suite she had rented much nicer than my own. I wondered who was paying for it.

“It's good to see you again Shannon,” she said as we took a seat on the couch. “You look good.” She reached over and pulled her fingers through the blonde tips in my hair. “Not sure how I feel about this though,” she said with a smile.

“You look amazing,” I told her. She was dressed much more casually than she had been at the book signing, simple jeans and a tank top and her curls were back. She looked more like my Janey. I reached over and took her hands, looking for the huge engagement ring Jared had referred to but that I had never noticed when I saw her last. Although she had several rings on there was nothing that could be described as an engagement ring. That finger was empty. “Where's your engagement ring?”

She pulled her hand back. “I took it off. It didn't seem right to be wearing it when I'm meeting other men in hotel rooms.”

“You took it off. But you didn't break up with him.” Jane shook her head. “I thought ….”

“That I was going to dump a guy that has always been good to me, that is one of my best friends, over the phone from thousands of miles away over a guy I haven't seen in seven years?” she said indignantly.

Once again, I was only half thinking through things. Getting dumped over the phone by your fiancee would be pretty shitty and it was no wonder Jane was reluctant to end things that way. Assuming, that was, that she wanted to end things. “Does that mean you will call it off once you can see him again?”

She looked down at her legs, folded up on the sofa in front of her. “I don't know.”

Five minutes in and this wasn't going at all the way I wanted. “I thought you were going to give us a chance.”

“I am. I want to. I mean that's why I'm here.”

“How much of a chance are you really giving us though if you're keeping him in your back pocket?”

“It's complicated Shannon.” She reached over and twined her fingers into mine. “It's not like I don't have any feelings for him at all. I guess it took thinking about losing him to realize I felt more than I thought. And it's been so long since we were together, who knows if we still work....”

I pulled my hand back from her. “You always have an excuse when it comes to us Jane. We hadn't been together very long, we didn't know each other, we've been apart... But I've known there was something different about you, about us, all along. You just have never been willing to give me a chance. Maybe I'm just kidding myself.”

“That's not fair. I took off my ring. I'm meeting you here.” She reached for me again. “I want to find us again, I do...”

“But I'm just supposed to sit in the background, be your little boy toy while you run off to get yourself your rich husband?” What I felt was so clear. I didn't understand why Jane was struggling.

She rolled her eyes. “Jesus do you have Angus and me all wrong.”

“Well, what is it then Jane? I'm going by the information you're telling me.” If I have it wrong there's only you to blame for that.”

Jane paused, seeming to search for the words she needed. “I never stopped thinking about you. I never stopped wanting you back. That first year was really hard, the job was hard, Roger was busy and gone a lot, I didn't really make many friends, I was stressed out with school. I almost got on a plane and came back to you a dozen times. But I didn't. I didn't quit.” Of course she didn't. Jane was not a quitter. I was glad to hear she had thought of me, at least there was that. “I met Angus when I really needed a friend, and that's what he was to me,” she continued. “He was a lot of fun, he made me laugh, made me not take myself so seriously. He's a lot like Roger in that way. We've been through a lot together. A lot of fun and adventure, sure, but a lot of late nights and self-doubt too. I have more of a history with him than I do with you.”

I don't think she meant for that to hurt me but it twisted in my gut like a knife. “You could have had a history with me.”

“Yes, I could have. And who knows how different that life would look, for both of us.” Her voice softened, and she got that look in her eyes again, the one that told me my marshmallow was not far from the surface. “The thing is, even with all the history I have with Angus, and the little bit of time I have with you, it still all comes back to you in the end doesn't it? I spent a lot of years looking for you around every corner, wondering if that day was finally going to be the right time for us, if we were ever going to happen. I went over and over our time together, first just to hold on to you but then I began to really replay it. And I started to question it. I thought maybe I understood what we were. I told myself you were just an infatuation, that I hadn't really known you, I had just made up all the parts of you I didn't know in my head and turned you into this perfect guy. When I saw the videos, I just took it as confirmation I was right. I felt stupid. I had turned you into this cuddly puppy in my head and you were anything but. Then I saw you again. And I'm realizing the truth lies somewhere in the middle.”

She turned my palm over in her hand, her fingertips tracing up to the tattoos that were a new edition for her. “There's a lot about each other we don't know. But this thing between us is very real. I knew it when you hugged me in that bookstore. It never went away, it never got any less intense. If anything it's stronger than it ever was. So where does that leave me? I don't know.”

Yes, Jane was the one that was big with the speeches. Maybe it was the writer in her. I always seemed to surround myself with people who could do the talking for me. I really needed to find my own words now. “I spent a lot of time thinking about how it would be when we saw each other again too you know.” I began. “It was hard for me at first too. But after a while it was kind of nice knowing you were out there, doing your thing. Because you believed in me. You saw things in me that sometimes I think only Jared and my Mom see. And if you were out there, then that version of me was out there too. I had a bunch of copies of those pictures from the pier, and I was looking at one of them one day, and I wanted to tell you that. So I wrote it down on the back of a picture. Then I kept doing that, writing notes to you on the back of all these pictures I had. Things I wanted to say to you when I saw you again. I still have them, they're in a box in storage but they're just waiting to be read. You get a different part of me than the rest of the world gets.”

Jane was quiet for a minute while she stared at the floor. When she finally spoke again her voice was small, quiet. “I'm scared.”

I could understand that. There were lots of things to be afraid of at this point. I just didn't know which ones were plaguing Jane. “Of what?”

“Myself, a little bit. The crazy way you make me feel, like everything is a little out of control. I'm scared of what I could do in order to not lose that feeling again. I'm already thinking about throwing away a friendship that has carried me through a lot of hard, lonely periods. Because I'm sure if I do this, I'm going to lose Angus. To ask him to still be friends with me...”

I was getting really damn tired of hearing about Angus. “But you're not giving him up. He still has you and what, I get to be just some tawdry little affair until you get tired of me and run back to get your rich husband?”

Jane frowned. “You're more than that and you know it, Shannon.”

“Do I?”

“Oh for fuck's sake.” She threw her arms around my neck and crashed her lips into mine. Instantly I was grabbing her, pulling her into my lap as I clutched her against me as tightly as I could, my tongue opening those soft lips to me. She slipped her legs around my waist, her hair falling forward over our faces like a veil as we breathed into each other. I felt electric, finally connected to the power source I had been lacking. She tasted like coffee. She smelled like home.

When she finally broke the kiss she stayed pressed against me, her forehead resting on my own as she traced the lines of my face with her delicate fingers. My words were gone, I just closed my eyes and breathed her in. There was a tremor in her fingertips as she drew the pad of her thumb across my bottom lip.

“You could never be “just” anything to me,” she whispered, inhaling deeply. I pulled her tighter. I think I had needed her to smell me more than I had needed her to kiss me.

I threaded my fingers into the back of her hair, pulling her mouth back to mine. I would have stayed lost there for hours if I could, hearing her soft little whimpers as her tongue swirled against mine, but my phone started ringing and I knew I was being missed. Reluctantly I pulled back from Jane and answered. It was Tomo.

“Hey dude, he noticed you're gone. We've got to head out in ten anyways. Meet us in the lobby?”

“Yeah, I'll be right down,” I told him before hanging up.

I looked at Jane. “I have to go do this radio show thing. I didn't even ask what your schedule looks like. How much time are we going to have together?”

Jane smiled. “I finished everything here this morning. And I have a week off. I was going to go visit my brother but my nieces have strep throat so I thought, maybe....” she trailed off, a shy smile on her lips. My grin was anything but shy at that news.

“You can follow us for a week! That would be amazing!” Oh shit. Jared. But he was going to find out sooner rather than later anyway. I got disentangled myself from Jane and got up from the couch. “We can work out the details when I get back tonight.”

Jane followed me to the door, and we lingered there for several more minutes, raining kisses on each other before I finally slipped out of the room. I smiled all the way to the elevator. I was happier than I had been in ages. I had forgotten all about Angus.

 


	21. Chapter 21

 

Jane had made rooftop reservations at a downtown restaurant so we could watch the July 4th fireworks. As soon as the radio show ended I raced back to the hotel to change and managed to avoid Jared long enough to sneak off on my own. I would have to deal with him tomorrow but for tonight I didn't want to think about anything but being reunited with Jane.

She was already waiting by the time I made it to the restaurant. She was all polished up again, stunning and elegant in a sleeveless white dress and I remembered how sure I had been right from the start that I was punching above my weight. She hadn't known it then. I bet she did now.

“Wow,” I said, taking my seat, 'you are definitely more stunning than any fireworks.”

Jane smiled and bit her lip as she looked down, blushing. “Thank you,” she said. Maybe time hadn't entirely repaired either of our self-esteem issues.

She asked how the interviews had gone and told me about the one she had done that morning, for the local public radio station. I had mostly sat quietly through ours, giggling in the background or interjecting a few off color comments when they popped into my head, but Jared had, as usual, done most of our talking. Jane, of course, didn't have anyone else with her, but I couldn't imagine she would have needed anyone. She was capable of carrying the whole thing herself. I loved to listen to her talk.

We fell into conversation easily enough. She wanted to know all about the shakeup in the band this last year (I guess she really had been following along) and I told her about Tomo, and how well he seemed to be meshing with the rest of us. I pressed for more details on Roger. Apparently, his current girlfriend (and the thought of Roger with an actual see-her-more-than-once girlfriend was mind-boggling enough) had talked him into giving acting another try and he was currently taking classes when he was in New York. Jane said he'd had a small part in one play, which she described as “clever and awful” and I wasn't sure if which one was referring to the play and which one his acting but I was afraid to ask.

The next show was in Missouri, and we decided that Jane would drive along after us and meet us there. Jared was sure to hit the roof tomorrow when he saw her, and I was going to need some time to calm him back down. Having Jane on the bus with us for any length of time was just going to make it that much more explosive. We'd plan the next stop out once we got through this one.

When the fireworks started Jane shifted her chair around next to mine and tucked herself under my arm. Giving me a big sniff she snuggled up against my chest, sighing “I love fireworks.” We “oooh”ed and “aah”ed through the show but having her pressed up against me like that, the only thing I could think about was getting her back to the hotel.

I was hoping we'd be alone in the elevator ride up to her room, but it seemed we weren't the only ones coming back from firework viewings and the small compartment was packed. Thankful that at least we hadn't run into any of the other band members or crew, I pressed myself into Jane's back, my chin resting on her shoulder as we swayed softly together. When the doors finally opened to her floor she slipped her hand into mine and led me down the corridor. While she fished her key card out of her purse I drew her hair to the side, biting and sucking at the side of her neck. Just as I was about to slide my hand around her thigh she finally managed to work the lock and we spilled into the room, stumbling and grabbing at each other as we kicked the door closed behind us and made our way to the bedroom.

I kicked off my shoes then found the zipper at the side of Jane's dress. She pulled away long enough to step out of it then folded her arms around my neck, molding herself back into me while she drew my tongue into her mouth. I was already hard, straining against the fabric of my pants, and from the way she ground her hips into mine, I could tell she was well aware of the fact. She began tugging at my shirt. I unfastened her bra. I cupped one breast in my hand. Her mouth slid to my earlobe. I moaned when she raked her teeth across it. She hadn't forgotten.

“I've been waiting seven years for this,” she murmured in my ear as she pulled my shirt away. Her mouth found its way down my throat and to my chest and she mapped her way with sharp nips of her teeth that were quickly soothed over by her swirling tongue. The lower she got the quicker my breathing got, and soon she was dropping to her knees in front of me as she followed the trail of fine hair to the point where it disappeared underneath my waistband. Slowly she tugged the fabric lower, leaving me trapped underneath it as her mouth moved from the lowest reaches of my stomach to the root of my dick.

“Oh fuck, Jane,” I groaned as she teased at its base, her slick mouth advancing in millimeters as she worked her way downward, slowly tugging my pants to reveal more as she went. I shifted my hips to encourage her to go faster, but she kept that same maddening pace, her tongue creating a wet trail as I growled from overhead. When she finally got near the tip she lowered my pants the rest of the way and as I swung free her mouth was waiting, engulfing my head and swallowing me so deep and quick the rush of sensation nearly knocked the wind out of me. The noise I made at that moment was one of pure animal need, and I knotted my fingers into her hair as I felt myself throb and twitch inside her mouth.

Jane shifted slightly so she was resting on her heels, one hand coming up to slide along the base of my cock while the other one gripped my thigh. She kept looking up at me as she bobbed her head along my length, those big green eyes crinkled in a way that said she knew exactly what effect she was having on me and she was enjoying every second of it. She was making little noises of her own now, every moan of hers carefully timed to hit when she had me at the back of her throat, pulling me in even deeper. She ran her nails across my thigh as she slid her hand behind me, grabbing my ass to anchor my hips against her. I could feel the pressure building, it all felt so fucking amazing, but when she slipped the hand that was at my base under my balls I had to pull away. I wasn't ready to cum yet. She had been doing all that moaning and whimpering the whole way through that spectacular blowjob but those weren't the sounds I had been dying to hear. I wanted the ecstatic cries of my memory, the ones I recalled fondly in the shower as I rocked against my soapy fist. I wanted her screaming my name. I was sure I remembered exactly how to make that happen.

I pulled Jane to her feet, removing her bra as I guided her to bed, sliding her lacy panties down those amazing legs that I had missed having wrapped around me. For the first time, I got a really good look at her. The former soft turns of her body were now firm, sculpted, deadly curves, smooth and tan. She had a tattoo of her own now, Latin words curving under the line of her left breast, _Astra inclinant, sed non obligant_. I would have to ask her what that meant later. Right now I just wanted to kiss her, consume her, rediscover all the tastes of her.

I started with her mouth, pink lips and clever tongue that, despite where they had just been, still tasted of the champagne we had toasted with at dinner. From there, the soft skin of her throat that left a taste of the perfume she had been wearing this evening. I trailed lower, lingering on her rosy nipples. Even though they were the same flavor as the rest of her skin to my mind they always tasted sweet, fruity little morsels that hardened under the attention of my tongue. She was moaning by then, her fingers finding their way into my hair as she twisted underneath me, but it wasn't the sound I was seeking. I trailed my mouth lower again, nibbling at her toned tummy before taking a mouthful of her hip between my teeth. I felt her shudder as my name escaped her lips, but it still wasn't enough.

I settled between her legs, pressing her already damp thighs wide apart. She was ridiculously wet, and I drew my finger up her soaking crevice, causing her to let loose a ragged breath. I looked up at her. She was looking back down at me, lower lip caught behind her teeth, hungry eyes urging me on. So different than the first time I had knelt here. With a smirk, I slowly slid one finger into her, and her head fell back as she pushed herself onto my invading digit, her noises becoming louder as I pumped my hand against her. I went back to teasing her flushed skin with my mouth, leaving little pink circles along the insides of her thighs. When I finally gave her what she wanted, drawing her clit into my mouth as I slid my tongue against it, I was rewarded with the first cry I had been craving. Madly I worked that tender nub with my tongue, her shouts getting louder as she thrashed about on the bed in front of me. When she began to shiver and quake I curled my fingers inside her, scraping across the most sensitive parts of her channel until she was coming apart, screaming my name while her body clenched me tightly.

I moved up on the bed as she came down, palming myself to ease the heavy ache to be inside her. Jane twisted around on the bed, fishing a box of condoms out of the bedside table. She tossed me a packet and I hurriedly put it on, settling myself over her and pressing my tongue into her mouth, sharing her taste. I kept my mouth pressed against hers as I reached between us, guiding myself into that wet heat, stretching her softness around me. Her hands came up onto my back, fingers digging in tightly as I fully breached her. I withdrew almost completely before making a first full, shuddering thrust and she groaned into my mouth, her fingers digging even deeper into the skin at my back. I knew there would be marks. I was going to enjoy showing them off.

I tried to set a slow pace, I tried to have some sort of restraint, but everything about Jane pushed me over the edge the same as it always had and I knew this wasn't going to last long. I had spent too much time wanting it, fantasizing about her, and having her finally stretched out underneath me, rocking her hips against mine as she moaned loudly in my ear was more than I could be expected to bear. I savored her as best I could, but when she came apart beneath me again, her pussy convulsing around me while her screams reached a new pitch, she pulled me right over the edge with her.

There wasn't a lot of sleeping that got done that night. We came together again multiple times, once flipping her over so that I got a good look at the flower vine tattooed down the length of her spine, another time to try out the enormous Jacuzzi tub in her bathroom, and a final time against the giant sliding glass balcony door as we watched the city lights underneath us. By the time the sun was coming up we were freshly showered but exhausted, spooned together in the middle of the white hotel bed. My ears were still ringing from her shouts. I wondered if Angus made her scream like that. I was too afraid to ask. I asked her something else instead.

“What's the S stand for?”

“Hmm?” She rolled over lazily, her eyes half closed as she turned to face me.

“Your book. The cover said Jane S. Sewell. I barely remembered that was your last name, I know you never told me your middle one.” I explained.

Jane wrinkled her nose. “That's because it's a silly one.”

I smiled. “Oh good, then I'll have something to hold over you.” I couldn't resist planting a little kiss on that wrinkly nose as she continued making that face at me. “Come on, I just made you scream for Krishna. You can at least tell me your middle name.” She hid her face against the mattress and mumbled something I couldn't quite understand. “Jane, come on.”

“Serenity,” she confessed with a sigh. “My father was going through a hippie phase. He wanted that to be my first name but my mom's grandma died when she was pregnant with me and so I got named after her.”

“I like it. It's very pretty, I don't know why you'd be embarrassed about it.” I told her.

“I guess I wouldn't be if there was anything serene about me. I'm not exactly a laid-back person.”

I looked at the languid way she was stretched out next to me, eyes still heavy-lidded. “Oh, I don't know. You seem pretty relaxed right now.”

“Gee, I wonder why.” She gave me a quick kiss. “Are you named after anyone?”

“No, my mom just liked this name I guess.”

“Well I don't blame her, so do I. Shannon suits you. Reminds me of shenanigans. You seem to get up to plenty of those.” She flattened her palm against the side of her face and her expression softened. “You know I don't care anymore why he did it, I am so glad that Jared dragged you to that bookstore. I am so glad for the chance to see you again.”

The words were out before I could stop them. “So what happens after this week? Do you go back to him?” I couldn't even stand to say his name out loud.

Jane turned her face down towards the bed again so she was no longer looking me in the eye. “It's been one day Shannon. Give us a chance.” Well, at least that wasn't a yes. “Please stop trying to cross bridges we haven't even gotten to yet. We're together again. Let's just be together.”

I let the subject drop but as I tried to drift off for at least a little bit of sleep before the long day ahead my brain wouldn't stop providing me visions of Jane leaving me behind while she went running back to her old life. I hoped I would be proven wrong.

 

 

 


	22. Chapter 22

The next morning I made sure Jane had all the passes and directions she needed before heading out to the venue. We had interviews and a photo session and of course sound check so there were several hours of busy that there was no need for Jane to be hanging around for when I knew damn well she could use some more sleep. I hadn't forgotten how tired she had looked yesterday when I first got to the hotel. I just wished I could be there in bed with her.

I thought about warning Jared that Jane was coming. I almost did several times. But I figured the closer to time to go on stage he found out, the less time he'd have to have a tantrum before he had to get over it. The more warning he had before Jane showed up the more time he had to work himself into a state.

Finally, Jane called me letting me know she was almost at the security check point and would be back to us momentarily. Tomo had apparently spilled the beans to Matt the night before and now both of them had been following me around all day waiting for Jane to show up. So of course when I slipped away to go meet Jane they were both fast on my heels.

“Don't you assholes have something better to do?” I asked them jokingly as they trailed after me.

“Something better to do than meet the girl that has Jared foaming at the mouth and you sneaking around like the world's horniest secret agent?” Tomo said. “Not a fucking chance.”

Matt suddenly stopped in his tracks. “Holy fuck.”

Tomo gave a low whistle. “Hell, I'd let Jared yell at me for three days straight too if I got to hit that when he was done.”

It took me a minute to register that the girl waving our direction from the security checkpoint was Jane. I hadn't expected the stylish but conservative Jane from the book signing, or elegant and stunning Jane from last night, but maybe something more along the lines of blue jeans and curls Janey from my memory. I certainly wasn't prepared for the Jane that was walking toward me now, blonde hair all shiny and loose like a shampoo commercial, sunglasses, what looked like a striped barely-there bikini top, black leather shorts that I wasn't sure actually contained enough fabric to be legal and boots that went up over her knees. I was quickly realizing somewhere along the line Jane not only gotten a whole lot more comfortable with her body but had learned to dress for the occasion, and it didn't matter if it was public radio interview or a music festival/'I'm with the band” look, she was going to knock it out of the park. I was torn between wanting to pin her against something while I shoved my tongue down her throat and throwing my shirt over her to cover her up. Matt and Tomo weren't as conflicted.

“You must be Jane,” Tomo said, eagerly stepping in front of me. Jane just flashed him a gigantic smile and gave him a hug.

“Yes,” she said as she released him, “And you're Tomo right?” He nodded. “And you're Matt?” she added, turning to him to give him a big hug too. Great. Everyone was hugging. I just wanted them off her. I was definitely starting to lean more towards the throwing-my-shirt-over-her camp when she finally turned to me, that smile getting even wider. “Hey I know you,” she purred seductively, slipping her arms around my neck. I let my hands fall across her hips as she melted into me, my tongue getting to invade her after all. I was lost in the soft heat of her when I heard Jared behind me.

“Hey I thought we agreed no random chicks back here,” he said, sounding annoyed. He was about to be a lot more annoyed.

Jane didn't even look up, barely even lifted her mouth away from mine. “Hi, Jared. Nice to see you too.”

 _Well, here we go._ I gave her one last kiss while I braced myself for the meltdown I was sure was coming.

“What. The. Fuck.” I didn't turn around, just kept my face pressed against Jane's while I waited to see how bad this was going to be. “Seriously Shannon, what the fuck? What is she doing here?”

I let Jane go and turned to face Jared who was standing next to me, jaw like iron. “She's here because I want her here. I asked her to come.”

“Of course you fucking did. You have no sense at all when it comes to her.” He turned to Jane. “And what do you think your fiance would think about this? He cool with you running around half naked and climbing all over other men? Or is it just tit for tat since I'm sure he's got a line of women just waiting for you to turn your back like you have been on that tour.”

I was expecting a fiery response but Jane just tossed her hair and gave him a withering look. “You really want to start down this road Leto? I don't know what your problem is with me but...”

“I just can't figure out your endgame here,” Jared said, cutting her off. “The fancy millionaire husband explains itself. But why are you fucking around with my brother? What does sneaking around with the drummer of a moderately successful band get you exactly?”

Jane clenched her teeth. “I don't have an endgame. I'm not a damn Bond villain. If I'm with Shannon it's because I want to be with Shannon. My relationship with Angus is complicated but frankly, none of your damn business.”

I was surprised. It was more of an explanation than I thought he deserved under the circumstances. Of course, Jared wasn't nearly done yet.

“There's nothing complicated about your little arrangement, it's the oldest story in the damn book, Jane.” His tone was just as clipped and harsh. “And yes, if it involves my brother then it is my business.”

“You don't know Jack Shit about my story and stop pretending otherwise.” I could hear the waver in Jane's voice as she fought to stay composed. I wanted to step in between them and stop this but to be honest, I was still confused as to what the hell this even was. I wasn't sure Jane knew either. It was like there was a one-sided war going on in Jared's head and he was just dragging us all along for the fight.

“I don't give a god damn about your story. What I care about is the mess I'm going to have to clean up when you leave again. And let's be honest here, you're going to leave. It's what you do, after all.” Jared was inches from her now, giving her that unblinking stare he reserved for when he was truly pissed off. I had to say something.

“No one is asking you to clean anything up. I can make my own decisions and take care of myself here. Just mind your own damn business this time Jay.”

Jared flashed me an angry look but immediately turned back to Jane. “Boy, you've really got him snowed this time, don't you. He has no idea what a nasty piece of work you are. Don't you dare think I'm going to turn my back on you. Not for one damn minute.”

“I'm the 'nasty piece of work'? Really? You're the one that's causing all the drama here. I haven't done shit to you.” Jane didn't back down one bit, just stood staring him right back.

“Jared, come on,” I began. “There's no reason for you to be acting like this.”

He kept his gaze fixed on Jane for a minute before responding. “Fine, what the fuck ever, suit yourselves.” He waved his hand dismissively and started to walk away. “Just keep your wrapper on big bro, God knows where the hell she's been.”

I could practically see the steam coming out of Jane's ears as she shouted after him. “Yeah, well people who live in glass _Whore_ houses, Jared....” He just flipped her off and kept walking. We all stood around awkwardly for a minute before Tomo broke the silence.

“I think that went well, really.” Matt laughed.

Jane sighed and wound her fingers into mine. “And when he finds out I'm not leaving?”

I shrugged. “What's that you said last night? No crossing bridges we haven't gotten to yet. We'll tell him after the show.”

She turned to me and put her arms back around my neck. “I don't think you understand. I'm not talking about this week.”

My heart sped up about a hundred more beats per minute. “Please mean what I think you mean.”

“I'm calling off the wedding. I realize I deserve more than being someone's respectability beard. Angus is just going to have to understand.” She kissed me then, just a soft brush of lips, but she kept herself pressed tightly against me afterward. Her voice was quiet when she continued. “I'm not saying I'm leaving him for you because I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything. I just.... I'd forgotten what it felt like to be with you. To be with someone I really felt something for. It was the best feeling in the world. That's what I want. Something real. No more settling.”

“You won't be sorry, Jane, I promise,” I told her. I really believe I meant it too.

 

Jared didn't say another word to me. Literally. As we got ready for the show if he needed to tell me something he would loudly tell the person next to me to tell me, like a fourteen-year-old girl who caught her best friend passing notes to the guy she liked. He didn't even look at Jane. I didn't care. Nothing could ruin my mood. I was on cloud nine.

I drug Jane around and introduced to her to everyone. Everyone. The production manager, the techs, the stagehands, the venue volunteers, even the guy that came to get the trash. _“Hi, this is Jane, she's stupid hot and crazy smart and she picked me. She likes me. She's with me,”_ went the dialogue in my head. When I ran out of people to show her off to we went to hang out on the bus and wait for them to let us know it was time to go on. Jared kept up his silent treatment but Matt and Tomo were happy to chat with her. For her part, Jane really seemed to be enjoying herself.

Our set went great. Seriously. Jared was a madman out there and I began to think that maybe we needed to really piss him off before every show. Jane waited in the wings and cheered me on and as soon as I came off stage she threw her arms around me, not even hesitating when she saw how sweaty I was. It was sort of amazing to know she was there waiting.

I needed to get cleaned up and changed and we were due to sign merchandise after the show so I suggested to Jane that she might want to go hear someone else or check out the festival. She said she'd been invited to a party on the way in, and wanted to go hang out there. We made plans for me to meet her there when I was done with my band obligations.

Jared, of course, kept up the silent treatment all through it. As we were walking back to the bus I broke off to go find Jane and figured it was as good a time as any to let him know what was coming.

“Just so you know, Jay, Jane has this week off so she's going to be coming with me.”

Jared had his back to me when I said it but he stopped dead in his tracks. I couldn't see his expression but there was no response. I waited a minute but he never said anything, didn't move either, just kept standing there with his back to me. “Fine, whatever,” I said, starting to walk away.

“She's not who you think she is Shan,” he said. “You're going to regret this.”

I'd had enough of his vague warnings. “Dammit Jared, either tell me what has got you so pissed off at her or let it go because I'm really sick of this shit.”

“Ask her again how she met her fiance,” was all he would say. He continued to the bus without ever having turned around.

 

Like most parties, I heard it long before I got there. The thumping bass slowly developed into a full song, and the thin groups of people grew into larger clusters and finally a pit of dancers. I forged ahead into the crowd, looking for that shiny blonde head of hair. Jane found me first though, throwing herself on my back and covering my neck with kisses. With a laugh, I turned around pulled her against me.

“You look like you're having a good time,” I told her, stealing a quick kiss before she could start jumping around again.

“The best!” she shouted with a laugh. She started kissing my neck again, running her teeth over the salty skin as she writhed against me in time with the music. “Aren't you going to dance with me?”

She placed her hand on mine as if to lead me out to the dance floor and I was struck with how hot it was. We were outside in July and she had been dancing, so it didn't seem odd that she was warm and sweaty but this seemed too hot. Instead of following her to the thicker group I pulled her out to where the crowds were thinner.

“Are you okay, Janey?” I asked once we got to where I didn't have to shout so loud to be heard. “You seem overheated. Have you been drinking? You know alcohol dehydrates you right? It's really hot.”

She just laughed. “I've just got my dancing shoes on Shannon.” She trailed her fingers up from my wrists. “God, you've got such great arms. I love it when you hold me.”

A thought occurred to me. “Jane....” I said. She just smiled and kept running her hands over me, tracing the outline of my shoulders as she bobbed her head to the music. I tipped her chin up so I could look into her eyes. Her green irises were just tiny rings around her abnormally large pupils. Her jaw was tight. “Jane, did you take something?”

“Just some ecstasy,” she said, as casually as if she had just told me she'd eaten an apple.

“What the fuck do you mean “Just some ecstasy”?” I gestured to the crowd. “Do you know any of these people?”

“No,” she said calmly.

“Did you bring that shit with you?” I could feel my own temperature rising and it wasn't due to any chemicals.

“No. I got it from one of the guys on the crew for one of the other bands... I think his name is Kevin....”

“So you're telling me you took drugs from a stranger, in a group of people you don't know? Dammit, Jane, I thought you were smart.”

Jane made a face like her step-dad had just caught her sneaking back into the house at 2 a.m. “Jesus Shannon, it's just some ecstasy. It's a music festival. I knew you'd be here soon. Don't be such a prude.”

The irony of her saying that was so thick my brain did a backflip. “Do you know who the hell you're talking to?” I asked her. “I'm telling you from sad experience this is not a good idea.”

“I'm not sweet Janey who can't hold her liquor anymore Shannon. I know what I'm doing. It's fine.” She pouted at me, resting her elbows on my shoulders as she ran her fingers through the back of my hair. “Please, I don't want to fight. If it's a big deal for you I promise I won't do it around you again.”

“So you do this a lot?” My head was swimming. I knew I had no right to get judgmental about her rolling at a concert, but it was just so far from what I would have expected from her I didn't know what to do. And oh sweet Jesus was there going to be fireworks if Jared saw her like this.

“A lot? No, but sometimes. I enjoy it every now and then. I didn't think it was going to be a big deal.” She kissed me on the nose. “I'm sorry. baby. I didn't mean to make you mad. Please don't be mad.”

A lot of things went through my head at that moment. I knew I didn't have a right to be pissed, I knew I was being self-righteous and overreacting. I also knew she had been careless in the way she had gone about things tonight. I wondered how well I really did still know her, this was certainly not something L.A. Jane would have done. She didn't even like parties. I thought about scaring up some E and joining her on her trip. I tried not to think about Jared and his warnings. In the end, I followed her back into the crowd and got my dance on and waited for her to come down.

 


	23. Chapter 23

 

 

Jane must have just come up right before I got there because almost three hours later she was only just starting to slow down. I'd kept shoving bottles of water into her hand so she wouldn't get dehydrated and she kept right on dancing while she drank them. Once that euphoria started to wear off though she was all over me, grinding against me in time to the music while her hands found their way under my clothes. Realizing she didn't have enough inhibitions left to keep her from stripping me in front of all those strangers I dragged her away from the party, looking for somewhere a little more private. We made it as far as a dark passageway between two trailers before she dug her heels in, refusing to go any further while she flattened herself against me and nuzzled my neck.

“Really Jane, this is where you want to stop?” I asked her as she whimpered and buried her face against my shoulder.

“Mmm,” she purred, ignoring my question. “How is it you're this hot and sweaty and smell this good?”

I laughed, turning her around until her back was against one of the trailers. “Because you're still insanely high right now, that's how.” I pushed myself against her, acutely aware of her barely clothed figure as I pressed my tongue into her mouth. I figured I could try to satisfy her a little bit with a quick grope and then get her moving back towards the bus again. What I was going to do after that I didn't know, we were still stuck at the festival for another few hours and there was a strict “no sex on the bus” rule that I may or may not have been part of the reason for. Jane wasn't about to be so easily placated, however. She wrapped one leg around me, pulling our hips together.

“Fuck, Shannon, baby....” she groaned, twisting her body against mine. “You make me so crazy. You are so fucking sexy. You're like sex with feet and long eyelashes.” She sucked my bottom lip into her mouth and simultaneously shoved her hand down the front of my pants. “And a really great dick. God, I love your dick.”

Fuck she was wasted. I found myself in the rather odd position of being the sober, sensible half of the sex party and laughed internally. I knew we couldn't be doing this here. If I thought the fallout from the party videos was unpleasant, getting caught banging someone else's fiancee between a couple of trailers at Lollapalooza would have been an absolute circus. I grabbed Jane's hands and pinned them over her head.

“Janey, baby, you know I want you but you've gotta behave.” She whined and ground her hips against me again, and I noticed something hard digging into me. I gave her a quick kiss. “Baby how did you get here?”

She tried to pull her hands free but I had a good grip on them. “Rental car,” she said with a sigh. “But I'm not sober enough to drive back yet.”

“I am.” I pointed out. “Okay, look, I need to let the guys know I'm leaving but I can drive us back to the hotel and when we get back to the room you can put your hands anywhere you want. But when we go tell them I need you to act like you're sober for about two minutes. Think you can do that?”

Jane pouted at me. “That's going to take too long. I want you now.” She shimmied her hips again and I had to remind myself that people were only a few steps away and this idea was so bad even I knew better.

“Well you can't have me now, it's this or I leave you hanging. Is that what you want? Want me to leave you all aching and frustrated huh?” She whined but still didn't agree to my terms. I flattened my tongue against her throat, drawing it up as she arched into me. “What's wrong baby?” I asked with a smirk, my face inches from hers. “You need me to fuck you?” She nodded. “Promise you'll play nice until we get out of here then.

She pouted and stomped her foot like a six-year-old having a tantrum but she gave in. “Fine.”

 

It turned out I didn't need to worry so much about Jane behaving herself in front of the guys. Despite the fact that the last act should have been finishing up by now there was no one back at the bus except our driver Ben. He didn't seem to know where anyone else was either. I told him to let them know I'd meet them back at the hotel and made my way to the parking lot with Jane in tow. There was a brief moment of panic where Jane couldn't seem to remember what the car she'd rented looked like, let alone where it was parked, but she got us in the right general area and then the unlock feature did the rest. I buckled her into the passenger seat and then went around to my side. As soon as I slid in she was taking her seatbelt back off though, pulling her legs up underneath her.

“Jane, you have to leave that on. “ I shoved the keys into the ignition so I wouldn't lose them and turned to buckle her back in. She kept turning herself around in the seat, paying my protests no attention, and when her head hit my lap I realized what she was up to.

“Dammit Janey we'll be at the hotel soon, you're going to get us caught. There are people everywhere out here.” Again she ignored me completely, sliding her hand down my pants to wrap it around my cock that, in spite of my objections, was already half hard and throbbing.

“So drive us somewhere else Shannon. You have the wheel.” She pulled me free of my sweats, flitting her tongue across the head of my shaft before I could make another objection. I groaned, letting my head fall back while I enjoyed the slick caress of her tongue for just a moment. Then I heard someone giggling from somewhere uncomfortably close and I pushed her back over into her seat.

“Wait for the hotel. I mean it.” I said sternly, starting the car. Thankfully she put her seatbelt back on.

Somehow I managed to navigate us back to the hotel with Jane sliding her hand between my legs every time we came to a stoplight. I was impressed with my level of self-control, that wasn't exactly one of my strongest points. I was relieved when I also managed to get her through the parking garage and up to the room without her tearing my clothes off. Once inside the room, however, I was ready to work off the healthy level of frustration I had built up watching her dance in that skimpy outfit and paw at me all evening.

“All right fine, here we are,” I told her with a growl. “You want to behave like a horny little slut, well here's your chance. Get those clothes off.”

Jane flashed me a big grin, her tongue catching between her teeth. “Anything you want, baby,” she said, reaching behind her to unfasten the little bikini top. She undid its straps and flung it to the side, never breaking eye contact with me or losing that smile. Swaying her hips she walked up to me, placing my hands on her waist before sliding them up to her tits. She threw her head back as I gripped the firm mounds, but then quickly stepped back out of my reach again, her hands sliding down her firm stomach to the belt on her shorts. I watched her unfasten it slowly while she danced to the erotic music in her head. When she started to slide the leather hip-huggers down her legs I had another thought.

“Leave the boots on,” I told her. She murmured her approval and tossed the shorts aside. I grabbed her and pushed her towards the sofa, bending her over the back of it and placing her hands on the seats. “Stay just like that,” I instructed, stepping behind her to appreciate the view.

I jetted into the bedroom to grab a condom before returning, quickly pulling off my own clothes as Jane wriggled in front of me. I set the little foil package aside for the moment and positioned myself behind her. I grabbed one round globe of her ass in each hand, lifting them up and apart to reveal her soaking wet pussy. She groaned and pushed back against me, desperate for more. I gave one cheek and quick smack and smiled when she gasped at the sharp contact. Slowly I traced my hands down to the tops of her boots then back up along the inside of her thighs, my nails leaving little red streaks on their journey to her center. When I finally drew my finger across her damp cleft she shuddered and whimpered.

“Please Shannon,” she begged, pushing back again in search of more friction. “You promised.”

“That I did baby,” I replied, giving her other cheek a smack of its own before rolling the condom into place. “It's just such a beautiful sight back here, you perched on those boots, your bare ass just waiting for me. God, I love those boots.”

I positioned myself against her, her wet channel parting for me as I slowly pushed forward. Jane made a noise like a cat on the savanna, arching her back as she slid herself back along my cock, taking me in even deeper. Eager to see just how far this wild streak went I reached forward, knotting her hair around my fist and pulling her head back towards me. She grabbed the top of the sofa to brace herself but made no attempt to move away. I slammed into her hard, my other hand coming to rest on top of her ass as I braced myself. She just moaned in approval, happy to finally be getting fucked the way she had been begging to all night. With a grin I picked up the pace, hammering away for all I was worth while she shouted her usual stream of swear words and religious pleas. Yeah, she was definitely wilder than the Janey I had left behind, but if this was the result I wasn't going to object. I kept up a brutal pace, my hand sliding forward across her damp skin as the sweat beaded up on it, finding her hard little nipple that I couldn't result pinching and pulling as pistoned into her.

“Fuck, yes, Shannon!” she shouted, shaking just on the edge of orgasm. “Oh fuck, just like that!”

She continued to quiver like that, I could feel the little pulses deep in her core as it gripped me. I could tell she was oh so close but couldn't quite find her release. Looked like that ecstasy had left another gift.

“What's wrong baby?” I teased. “E got you all hung up?”

She let out a cry of frustration and moved her hand to circle her clit. I let her hair loose and pushed her forward, hoping the change of angle would help her find the relief she was craving. I needed her to get there soon, I was ready to pop myself. After what seemed like forever she let out a loud squeal and convulsed back against me, her legs shaking as the pent up sexual frustration finally found its release. I grabbed her hips and let go, my own powerful orgasm leaving me moaning while I rode out its last waves. We both collapsed onto the floor when we were done, panting while we came to our senses. Jane leaned over and placed her head on my thigh, wrapping her arms around it like it was a teddy bear. Eventually, we managed to pry our sticky, sweaty selves off the floor and hit the shower.

 

 

The next day was an off one, we had a little break then a string of four quick shows after that. We wouldn't be pulling out of town before tonight though. This gave us time to linger in bed together. Jane was pretty hung over but produced a little vinyl pouch full of vitamins and supplements and proceeded to set herself up with a hangover cure that she promptly washed down with some grapefruit juice from her room fridge.

“Well, you look like you know what you're doing,” I said with a bit of a scowl.

“Gee, that didn't sound judgmental at all,” she replied, lying back down next to me. “I told you I would lay off for you.”

I wasn't sure I liked the sound of that either. “How often are you doing this if you're having to “lay off for me”? We're only going to be together a week.”

“Not often. Maybe every couple of months. Depends on what my schedule looks like.” She propped herself up on one elbow and looked over at me. “I thought you understood when I was telling you some of those stories about the parties that Roger and Angus and I go to that I wasn't always sober.”

“I guess maybe I just didn't think about it very hard.” I reached over and pulled a strand of her hair through my fingers. “Do you always get that wasted? Because last night you were pretty wasted.”

Jane rolled her eyes. “I wasn't that wasted.”

“Really little miss fuck-me-in-the-middle-of-the-dance-floor?” I pitched my voice high to imitate hers. “I love your dick.”

She laughed and buried her face in the pillow. “Yeah, okay, I was kind of gone,” she said. “But in my defense, you do have a great dick.”

“Can't argue with you there,” I said with a smirk. We laughed together for a minute and I pulled her against my chest. “I'm just beginning to see how much you've changed,” I said more seriously. “But it's okay. I think we still fit together.”

Jane laid her head on my chest, and her demeanor became much more serious as well. “I meant what I said yesterday.”

“You said a lot of things yesterday Jane. Which one are you talking about?”

“About the wedding. I'm calling it off for me, not for you." She traced her finger along my chest. "I sold myself a lot of lies this past year, the biggest one being that I could be happy with a marriage based on friendship and no passion. I need both. I deserve both. And I'd rather be alone than faking my way through something that is never really going to make me happy.”

I put my arms around her and pulled her tightly against me. Of course I didn't want her to marry this guy, but I knew all this was causing her pain, and that wasn't what I wanted for her either. “I'm sorry. I guess I kind of showed up and made a mess of your life.”

She sighed. “I've kind of upended yours too.”

“What, Jared?" I scoffed. "Don't worry about Jared. Let me deal with him.”

“I'm trying not to let him get to me, I really am. But it does hurt you know. I thought we were friends, at least we used to be. Now he acts like I'm the scum of the earth and I don't know why. Plus it feels like I've come between the two of you and I really hate that. I loved how much you two cared for each other, how close you were. I feel like I've fucked that all up.”

I laid there running my fingers through her hair for a minute before I remembered what Jared had said to me yesterday. “Jane, tell me again how you met Angus.”

“I told you, it was a writing seminar. He was a grad student and we both went to this little workshop. Sat next to each other. We got to talking about it afterward, and then just kept talking. We just hit it off. But it was friendly then, nothing else. Why?”

“Why would Jared think there was more to it than that?” I asked. “When I asked him yesterday what his problem was with you, he said, “Ask her again how she met her fiance.” Why would he say that?”

Jane sat up and crossed her legs in front of her. “I don't know,” she answered with a frown.

“There's got to be something. Tell me in more detail.”

She thought for a minute before responding. “It was a Saturday, a one-day seminar on writing sensitively about other cultures. It was there on campus, it was my senior year and Angus was finishing his Master's. There was a lunch break but I didn't talk to him during it. We chatted after and made plans to get together for lunch the next week. It wasn't a big deal.”

“Why didn't you talk to him during lunch?”

“I was eating with my sort of boyfriend. He was actually the one giving the lecture. But we only went out about a half dozen times, got bored with each other, broke up amicably, it was no big deal.”

“So you were dating someone else when you met him?”

“Well, kind of, yeah, but like I said it was no big deal and Angus and I didn't start dating until about four years after that.”

“I don't know. That doesn't sound like anything.”

“Right? I'm so puzzled. This would be so much easier if Jared would just tell us what the fuck his problem is like a grown up.” We sat there in silence for a minute until Jane got a look on her face that let me know she had an idea. “Wait, we're making this so much harder than it has to be. He said he saw my book review and did some internet sleuthing. Let's do what he did.” She hopped out of bed and retrieved her laptop.

“Don't you think you'd know what was out there?” I asked.

She shrugged. “I don't usually look myself up. And who knows where he went digging that I might never have.” She opened up her browser and started searching. "He probably just got some bad info or put things together wrong." Just like when I had looked, she mostly came up with book reviews, mentions of short stories and other professional information. We dug through several pages of results but found nothing.

“Add Angus to the search. This seems to have something to do with him, at least in Jared's head.” I suggested. She changed the search entry and came up with a whole host of new results. I got up to go to the bathroom and get a drink while she did her digging. When I came back she had gone completely pale, staring at the screen with a shocked expression on her face.

“Jane, what did you find?” I asked. I sat back down next to her on the bed and leaned over to look at the screen but she quickly closed it. When she turned to look at me her eyes were brimming with tears.

“I can explain,' she said, her eyes pleading with me. “Please just hear my side of the story first. Please don't hate me too.”

 


	24. Chapter 24

 

With a sick feeling in my stomach. I took Jane's laptop and set it aside. This whole time I had been telling myself that whatever Jared thought was going on was only in his head, that he had let feelings from that night at the party color his perception of her. But the look on Jane's face now told me that whatever was going on had at least some truth in it. I just couldn't understand why, if she knew there was something to Jared's accusations, she had acted so confused by his behavior. Things still weren't making sense. I hoped they were about to. I hoped they weren't about to break my heart.

“It isn't like they're saying. It's not all lies but it's not like they're saying, I swear Shannon.” Jane wiped her eyes and took another drink of her juice. “I don't even know where to start.”

“Maybe from the beginning?” I suggested.

Jane shook her head. “First of all, you need to know something. You know how I said Angus's parents hated his ex-girlfriends? Well, one they hated in particular, sort of the chief ringleader of the skanky shenanigans club was Lacey. She's an actress, she's on this Aussie soap opera and she kind of has this weird cult following. And she hates me. Oh, my god, does she hate me. But I had bigger things to worry about at the time and Angus had stopped seeing her and got a restraining order, and I just kind of let it go...”

“Restraining order? What the hell did you get yourself mixed up in Jane?” If I wasn't officially worried about where this confessional was going to go a minute a go I was now. “I'm guessing whatever it was she didn't “just let it go”?”

Jane shook her head. “No, it looks like she did anything but. And apparently she has convinced her little fan club that I'm the psycho whore of Babylon, out to ruin Lacey's life and steal her precious boyfriend and they have a whole website dedicated to how much they hate me.” She let out a ragged breath, but the tears seemed to be under control for the moment.

“Okay, well that sounds upsetting and a little crazy but....”

“Which is ridiculous because who the fuck am I right? I mean sure Lacey knows me but why would these people care?” Jane seemed to still be processing whatever was happening. She rubbed her temple and took a few deep breaths. “I know I'm not exactly an angel. I've made some decisions that weren't the smartest, but....” she paused, seeming to be lost for words. Which was chilling enough, Jane was always explaining and over explaining and the only times I had ever seen her speechless were big deals. I braced myself for whatever was coming.

“Just tell me what's going on Jane,” I told her as reassuringly as possible. “I promise I will listen.”

She nodded. “Okay, let's start with that workshop where I met Angus. Remember how I said I had been dating the guy that was giving it? Well, the whole story was he was an artist in residence, a novelist who was teaching a few classes that year. I took his class the first semester I got there, fall semester. We didn't go out until I had finished the class, this workshop was part of the way through the spring semester. And really it was only a few times, we weren't actually romantically compatible, we got bored. I didn't think it was any big deal at the time and I swear until just now I didn't even know that other people knew. That's why I didn't put it together when you said Jared mentioned it. It was that much of a non-event.”

I didn't understand what the big deal was here. “So you kind of dated your professor. Sounds like a bad romance novel. What's the problem?”

“Well,” she said, eyes down, “I ended up applying for a writing fellowship. Which I won. Guess who was on the selection committee.”

“Shit Jane.” All right this certainly sounded bad but didn't come close to explaining the drama from either Jared or her, nor justify a stalking campaign or an internet hate site.

“I swear I didn't know it at the time, and when I confronted him afterward he swore to me it had nothing to do with our previous relationship.” Well, of course, he's going to tell you that Janey, I thought. Then again, if it happened the way he said and he was bored with her and uninterested, why would he have a reason to tip the selection in her favor? “But yes, it looks bad, and they're accusing me of sleeping with him to get the grant.” I could hear the frustration in her voice. I wanted to comfort her but there was more and I had to get to the bottom of it.

“I'm not following Jane. I mean I know it sounds bad but it's not that big of a deal.”

She agreed. “No, not by itself. I know it's just innuendo but it establishes a pattern of behavior. Well at least as far as my hate club is concerned.” She took a deep breath. “I told you Roger's career really took off once we got to New York. That first year I was super busy with school and work but that summer I had the money from the fellowship and took some time off to travel with him and do some writing. We had a good time, went some interesting places, met a lot of different people.”

“You've told me about this,” I pointed out.

“Yes, but I don't think you really understand,” Jane said. “When I got to New York, well, you remember how I was. Not exactly brimming with self-confidence or style. You made me start to understand I wasn't homely, awkward Plain Jane anymore but I still had a long ways to go. I started hanging around more with Roger's crowd. They showed me how to dress better, do my makeup. I started going to the gym, got an expensive haircut, learned how to shop sample sales. And I started getting attention. Lots of attention.”

Roger and I had both repeatedly told Jane how stunning she was but I guess at some point it finally sank in. I was surprised that I felt a little disappointed in hearing it. I guess I liked the idea of having all that beauty to myself. It felt sort of powerful. I wasn't sure I liked what that said about me. I wasn't sure I liked the thought of a lot of men drooling over my Jane either. “What do you mean “lots of attention”?” I asked warily.

She shrugged. “Very simply, I let a few.. and I do mean a very few... very wealthy men take my broke, grad-student ass some very nice places and buy me pretty things. It sounds a lot more tawdry than it was. But, add in the fact that I was also being taken places by Angus and trailing around on Roger's coattails, and the fellowship scandal.... It does make me look like a certain type of woman.”

I took a breath. I could see how she felt like it all looked bad, and Jared's name calling and hostility was making a little more sense. But it still seemed blown way out of proportion to me. I've seen some of the girls Jared kept company with over the years. Some of them were a lot worse than anything Jane was telling me. “I know this isn't it, Jane,” I told her. “Yes it looks bad but Jared is over the top and ….”

I stopped when I saw the expression on her face. It had been looking pinched and pained all through her reveals but now she looked absolutely heartbroken. Her eyes were starting to brim with tears again and I could see her fighting to regain her composure. Whatever the big secret was, we were there. I sat and waited, giving her time to get her words together. Curiosity was eating me up, this story was winding all over the place, but there was a sense of dread about what might be coming. I found I didn't want to hurry this along any more than she did.

“Do you remember I said that Angus and I would go on vacations together, as friends? That sometimes he took girls he was dating, and I took my boyfriend once?” That had been during the first phone conversation we'd had, the one with me drunk in the hotel tub. Kind of hard to forget. “The trip I took my boyfriend with me for, Angus was with Lacey at that time. Roger actually came along too. She would be super nice to me whenever Angus or the guys were around like she was absolutely my best gal pal, but the minute he turned his back she would turn into this raging cunt, making nasty comments and things. And when they were there she was still trying to undermine me, trying to embarrass me, hitting on my boyfriend.... she was jealous of the attention Angus paid me but also jealous of my boyfriend. This is when she started hating me, that week on the island. When she met Jefferson.”

Jane took a big shuddering breath as soon as she said his name, and I knew for certain we had come to the heart of the matter. “See, Jefferson was an old friend, from our LA years. You might remember us mentioning him, he's the one that came and cleaned the apartment out after we moved?”

I did actually remember her talking about him a few times, mostly in reference to Roger being somewhere with him. I'd never met him though. She continued. “So Jefferson was like two years younger than us, really smart and pretty amazing. He really was only dating guys back then, he wasn't even on my radar. But we all kept in touch and once when he came out to visit, things just sort of clicked between us. We were together for about a year and a half. It caught me by surprise really, I wasn't expecting it at all, honestly, I'd kind of been waiting on you, but this just sort of blossomed on its own and we were really good together. When he was good that is.”

The first tears fell then, and although she quickly got herself back under control, I worried where this story was going. She hadn't mentioned Jefferson once in all the hours I had spent on the phone with her. Hadn't mentioned a boyfriend at all other than Angus, and people don't tend to keep happy secrets. I thought that she had done the same thing I had, meaningless hookups while I waited to see if Jane and I would ever materialize again. It surprised me to know that she had dated, and from the sounds of things, somewhat seriously. This morning was just full of surprises. I hadn't liked any of them yet.

“See Jefferson had been battling depression for years, since he was a teenager. He'd had a few bad bouts, had even been hospitalized once, but he was medicated and pretty stable when we were together. There were some rough patches but he always pulled through them. I tried to be as supportive and understanding as possible. I wanted him to know I was there for him. I thought he understood that. I thought he knew he could come to me. I would have at least thought he understood he could come to Roger. We'd all been friends for so long, we'd always looked out for each other..." she trailed off and took a deep breath before continuing.

“He hit a really bad patch that summer. He had always wanted to go to this particular resort in the Seychelles, but he was a bit of a workaholic and never got around to taking the time off. I was really concerned about him and insisted he needed a vacation. We went with Angus and Lacey and Roger came along with one of his temporary boyfriends. It was supposed to cheer Jefferson up, help him get back on his feet. I thought it did. He seemed to be better after that, he started going out with friends again, was super productive at work, he was very attentive to me, he just seemed very connected and at peace. A month later he dumped me, out of the blue, no explanation.”

“Janey...” I tried to reach over to take her hand but she brushed me off.

“Twelve days after he dumped me hung himself.” She let loose a single, ragged sob that tore into my chest before clenching her teeth and pushing on. “He said in the note that he was trying to give me some time to get over him before he did it, so I wouldn't hurt so bad or blame myself. But he couldn't wait any longer.”

There was so much anguish in her voice. I knew this had to have happened at least several years ago, just from her history with Angus, but I could see how painful it was for her to tell me even now. No wonder she hadn't brought it up on the phone.

She continued. “If that's all there was to it I think Lacey would have left me in peace. But she was interested in Jefferson too, for the same reason she was interested in Angus. He was loaded. Which I know kind of makes me look bad too, but when we I met him, when Roger and I first became friends with him it wasn't that way. His parents kicked him out when he was a teenager after he came out to them. He came out to L.A., tried to make something of himself. Roger picked him up at a party, but when he heard his story... He ended up crashing on our couch for a while until he got a job and got on his feet. He was such a scrapper, such a survivor. He got into college, got his degree, worked really hard. Started a business, made a fortune in the dot com boom. So yes, I had another rich boyfriend, but when I knew him, he was just the homeless kid who used to sleep in my living room sometimes.”

She was all out crying now, and I could tell that no matter how this internet psycho had spun things Jane had very genuinely cared for Jefferson. “He left everything to me and Roger. He didn't really have anyone else, like I said his family had disowned him years before that. I didn't want it, of course,” she added quickly. “I was too broken up over losing him and I just wanted him back. The money felt dirty. Roger and I ended up spending a lot of it on starting a charity in his name, to help kids that had been kicked out by their families like Jefferson had. But there was a lot of money. There was still a lot left.”

Shit. I had been giving her so much grief about Angus, wondering things like who was paying for her hotel room and expensive vacations and it had been her all along. “You don't need a rich husband do you?”

She shook her head. “Nope.” I wanted to ask some more questions but I could tell by the way she held herself this story still wasn't done. I let her finish. “Lacey was really nasty about the whole business. Accused me of driving him to it so he'd leave me his money.”

“That's fucked up.” I really wanted to meet this Lacey chick so I could knock her on her ass. This vendetta she had against Jane was ridiculous, she had clearly kicked Jane when she was down and still wasn't satisfied. We were going to have to do something about her.

“I know. And I felt so guilty about not catching the warning signs, not being able to stop him, I let her get to me. I didn't handle any of it well. Neither did Roger. It sort of broke both of us.” Jane covered her face in her hands and once again I had to wait for her to compose herself. “He was so strong, so determined. I'd seen him overcome so much. I really thought he had beat it,” she said, eyes again brimming over with tears. “It fucked me up so bad when he didn't. I started going out a lot. I was just writing then, I didn't have a formal job, so I had lots of time to party. And party I did. I danced my ass off and drank and smoked and popped and sniffed everything I could get my hands on. Lacey made a lot of nasty accusations about celebrating Jefferson's death with his own money. Angus dumped her. She blamed me. Then one of the girls Roger and I had been partying with OD'd and Angus threatened to put us both in rehab if we didn't straighten up our shit. I told him I wasn't really an addict, I was just self-medicating, but he was right, it had gone too far. I quit. I got a therapist. So did Roger. I started writing again. And then I started seeing Angus. Actually dating him. We had slept together numerous times over the years when we were both single but we actually started dating. Lacey completely lost her shit. Started stalking Angus. He had to get a restraining order.” Jane shrugged. “I guess that's why she turned her attention on me, she can't get to him anymore.”

“She's stalking you now,” I pointed out. “If she knows this much shit, has got these people spying on your and slandering you, you need to get a lawyer. This is scary stuff when you think about it, Jane, and it's probably only going to get worse.”

“Yeah. As much as I hate to do it I think I'm going to call Angus and see if the lawyer that handled the stalking stuff with him will see what he can do about this mess.”

For the first time, I understood what Jane had meant when she said her relationship with Angus was complicated, when she had pointed out she had more of a history with him than she did with me. He was intertwined with her life, he had been there for her through some really deep shit, he had been there when I wasn't. Of course, she was reluctant to end things with him. She may not have been in love with him but he was more than just some pretty schmuck who could buy her nice things, the way I had imagined it. I realized I had been judging her pretty unfairly too, it wasn't just Jared. I hadn't really been seeing Jane at all.

“I never dreamed any of this was out there for other people to know about," she said miserably. “If I had I would have known what Jared's problem was right away, could have tried to reason with him instead of just amping the fight up higher. Fuck the internet and fuck Lacey and her crazy ass fans.” Jane took my hand and looked at me. “Please believe me. I know to hear her tell it I'm a manipulative little money grubbing whore who sleeps her way to whatever she wants. And I'll admit I have made some questionable decisions. But I've never used anyone, at least not anyone that didn't want to be used. I mean those guys that used to buy me things, back in the day, I was always upfront about exactly what our relationship was.” She chuckled softly. “I learned that lesson the hard way but it only took me once. Everyone on the same page.”

I knew I had been that lesson. And my heart hurt for Jane now. Life had apparently had a lot more lessons for her and it seemed to determined to teach them all to her the hard way. I could understand how bad this looked. I understood why Jared was upset and afraid of having her anywhere near me. But I knew he was wrong. I had been blind to how much Jane had changed, how much she had been through, but I was certain what she was telling me was the truth. I'd bet my arms on it. There were a lot of things Jane was good at. Deception wasn't one of them.

“I believe you. And I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I wish I could have been there for you.” I pulled her up against me and her head fell into my chest as a fresh round of sobs poured from her. She thought no one knew. She had been carrying this all around like a secret and I knew first hand how much secrets eat at people. And as I held her tightly I realized all her new bravado, her sophistication, her fancy clothes, the titles after her name, they were souvenirs of where she had been, like stamps on a passport. They didn't change who she was. She was still gentle, sentimental Janey, who took everyone as they were, who loved adventure because her heart was open to it. And I was still her Shannon, her wild but cuddly rock god as she put it, even with all the new trappings of acclaimed records and fans and magazine articles. But we needed to start figuring out how to make all these new parts work together or we were going to lose the 'us' underneath that we valued so much. The first thing we were going to have to straighten out was Jared. He was the one person that had the power to take this whole ship down with him. Once Jane had composed herself again we got dressed, had some breakfast, and went to confront my brother.

 


	25. Chapter 25

As we made our way down the hall to Jared's room, Jane tangled her fingers into mine, gripping my hand tightly. She had barely said a word since her confessional earlier and I was getting a little worried about where her head was at. Halfway down the hallway, she stopped.

“What if he doesn't understand, Shannon?" she asked. "What if he believes them and not me?”

I stopped and looked back at Jane. All the confidence she had displayed the day before had gone right out of her. She looked tired again, and the little crease at the top of her nose that only made an appearance when she was upset was back. I knew that the things the people on that site had said had gotten in her head. I had to pull her back out of it before she got lost there.

“He'll believe you. He'll understand.” I tried to reassure her. “And if he doesn't, well he's got another movie coming up so we can ignore him all we want until he does come to his senses. We just have to get through this tour.” Jane sighed and nodded, pushed her shoulders back and started back down the hallway.

"Another movie, huh?" she said.

I nodded in agreement. "Yeah, that's why he's grown his hair out."

"Boy, he sure keeps busy. Isn't that going to make it hard for the band?"

"We've got another album planned, we're going to work around his shooting schedule. It'll be fine." I reassured her.

I had Jane stand to the side when I knocked on Jared's door, just in case he was going to go all psycho and not open up with her there. However, he was on the phone when he opened it and he just left it ajar as he walked back into the room, never stopping his conversation. I put my arm around Jane's waist and guided her inside.

Jared finished his call and tossed the phone onto the bed before turning to face us. With a shake of his head, he looked first to me and then to Jane. “Aw Jesus, what fresh hell is this?”

“You need to listen to us Jared,” I told him, trying to sound firm but reasonable. “You think you know what's going on but you're wrong.”

Jared scoffed. “Oh what, because she says so?”

Jane seemed to find her nerve again. “Because it's the truth," she said indignantly. "Let me guess, you found a website with a bunch of alleged information about me? Obnoxious pink and purple thing, supposed to be a fan site for Lacey Addams but spends a suspicious amount of effort talking about me?” Jared kept his level gaze on her, unanswering. “Well news flash, that's Angus's psycho ex-girlfriend and her little lemmings.”

“I bet she calls you psycho too,” Jared retorted, folding his arms over his chest.

“Yeah, probably,” Jane conceded, “but only one of us has been arrested and hauled into court over it. Only one of us has a restraining order against her. Hint: it ain't me. And you can look all of that up and verify it I'm sure, it was quite the stink at the time.”

“So you're going to tell me that's all lies? That she made all of that up?” Jared asked with an air of disbelief.

“I wish I could." Jane sighed and her tone changed, some of the self-righteousness and certainty falling away. "There's some truth in there, carefully woven in to give the whole thing an air of credibility. But I'm not that person Jared. And I swear to you I would never do anything to hurt Shannon.”

Jared's head practically swiveled around full tilt. “Well, that's a lie right there. Do you have any idea how bad you hurt him when you hauled ass out of L.A.? Because I do. I was there to pick up those pieces.”

This was not going the direction I needed it to. “That's not fair Jared,” I chimed in. “She didn't really have an option to stay. And I knew she was leaving when I got involved with her. I've told you all this, about a dozen times now. Up until she showed up again, I thought we were all good.”

“Well, you thought wrong. I figured she was gone and I let it go." He was speaking to me but his eyes stayed trained on Jane. I guess I shouldn't have.”

“I can't believe you're just going to take a bunch of garbage you read on the internet at face value, and I don't know what to do to convince you, Jared. I'm not even sure what you think the story is so its kind of hard to dispute things.” Jane met his unblinking gaze but I could see she was trying to dial the confrontation down. “Just please stop making assumptions and ask me some questions. Or make a specific accusation. Something. Please give me something to work with here.”

Jared sneered at her. “Okay, first things first. That fellowship....”

“Did not fucking happen like that,” Jane interjected. It was like she hadn't said a thing though. Jared continued on.

“Did you precious Aussie beefcake know you were using him to make your boyfriend feel threatened like that so he'd give you the fellowship to keep you around? Or was he as clueless a bystander as the rest of us? Hell maybe he was in on the whole thing, guys a piece of work all his own.”

“What?" I questioned. "Is that what that site said?” Christ, no wonder Jane hadn't wanted me looking at it.

Jared looked triumphant. “Oh oh oh, hasn't he read the site? Or did you just convince him to take your word for everything? Again.”

“James was never really my boyfriend," was Jane's tight reply. "And he didn't give me the fellowship to get me back because he didn't have any desire to have me around at all at that point. He had zero motive. I earned that thing.”

Jared snorted derisively. “Yeah, I bet you did.”

“Watch it, Jay.” I wanted to let the two of them have it out and clear the air but I wasn't just going to let him ride roughshod over Jane. He just rolled his eyes at me and immediately turned his attentions back to Jane.

“You're a user, Jane. You used that guy to get your fellowship, you use Roger to get you past the velvet ropes that shaking your ass won't move on its own, you used all those rich guys you used to fuck in exchange for jewelry and fancy dinners, you used Beefcake for expensive vacations and his family connections, you used that poor dead guy for his money. You used Shannon to get to me and when that fell apart you were gone because he didn't have anything left you could use. And now that he's making something of himself, look who's sniffing around again.”

Jane had gone pale again and she was biting her lip in a desperate attempt to regain composure. I couldn't have her falling apart again. “It's not like that Jared,” I said defensively. “You've got it all wrong.” He ignored me.

“Of course Aussie is just using you too so I guess maybe Karma really does work.”

Jane took a shaky breath and I wasn't sure if the next thing was going to be tears or fury. It turned out to be fury and she practically spat out her retort. “Roger is my best friend. Of course I'm going to go places with him. That doesn't mean I'm using him. And I never slept with any of those guys.”

“Yeah right.”

“No, I didn't," she enunciated. I could see Jane struggling with her emotions. I could only imagine the mix of anger and helplessness she was feeling right now. Getting called to the carpet for all your life choices was a shitty feeling. Especially when most of the accusations were lies and she had no way to prove the truth. She didn't have to do this, didn't have to stand here and defend herself while Jared hurled abuse at her. She could have just said fuck it and let Jared stew in his own juices until he left for his film shoot. He wasn't the one she was trying to have a relationship with. But she desperately wanted to put things right, and a big part of the reason why was so Jared and I could repair our relationship. That alone spoke volumes about her character. I wish Jared could see it.

“There are always rich old men sniffing around the models,” she continued, “and when I started dressing up more they started noticing me too. I made sure they understood it was never going to be a sexual thing. But they like to have a pretty girl on their arm, something to show off. Some of them were pretty good company but I was really just expensive jewelry. So many of the girls did it, I didn't see the harm. I didn't think it was that awful at the time but if I had to do it again I'd chose differently.”

Jared shook his head. “Even if I take your word for that, which, by the way, I have no reason to do, what about the rest of it?”

“Look, we can circle back around to Angus when we're done with this if you want but I think you've got the wrong idea there too. As for Jefferson...” I reached over and grabbed Jane's hand, hoping the contact would reassure her enough not to break down in front of Jared. I didn't think her tears would help this situation. “Everything that site says about him and me couldn't be more wrong. It is a complete fabrication. I'd tell you to ask Roger, but we all know he would bald faced lie to the Angel Gabriel himself to protect me so he's not exactly a reliable witness. Just dig a little deeper on him. I know there are things about him on the internet. They are the truth.”

Jane pulled her hand out of mine and gazed at it for a minute, and I saw her reach to fidget with something on her ring finger that wasn't there. I wondered if that ring from Angus was the first one she had gotten. With a sick feeling, I realized Jared was at least partially right, I still had no idea what was going on here. I hadn't read the site, and I had just taken Jane at her word for all of this. There's no way she could have told me everything in those few minutes. Still, I trusted her.

“Jane, it's not the individual circumstances. It's your character. Again, right from the start..”

Jane threw her head back and rolled her eyes. “Oh my God, you are still not over it! How are you not fucking over it by now? You said 'first things first” and you started in on that fucking scholarship but that wasn't the first thing, was it? The first thing started with a game of Never Have I Ever. In your head, that's where it all went to hell.”

“You used Shannon...” Jared shouted over her. Jane just shouted back louder.

“... to try to make you jealous. I know. I was there. But it wasn't nearly that straightforward and it was a terrible mistake and I learned my lesson. And I apologized. And he forgave me. And it should be water under the bridge by now.”

Jared's tone completely changed. No longer shouting, he sounded like a petulant child. “You never apologized to me. Not really.”

“What?” Jane asked in confusion. “Yes, I did. That night you came to see me at the diner, I said I was sorry. It was actually the very first thing I said.”

“What you apologized for," Jared said pointedly, "was hurting Shannon. You never apologized for breaking my heart.”

I was afraid if either one them rolled their eyes any harder we were going to need an ophthalmologist. God there had been a lot of eye rolling in the last five minutes. Jane did it again. “You didn't even like me that much. Don't be such a drama queen. I did not break your heart.”

“How do you know how I felt? Did you ever even ask?” Jared did that weird sliding thing he does when he is trying to keep control, and I realized Jane had hit the nail spot on. He was, in no way, "over it'. “You sat there and you told me how sorry you were for how much you had hurt Shannon. How wrong you were for thinking you wanted me in the first place. How you'd pick him, how he was the one for you, how wonderful he was. Not one word for me. It was like I didn't even exist for you anymore. Like I had no feelings at all, like none of that didn't hurt me." He looked around the room for a minute before continuing, quietly; "Maybe you didn't exactly break my heart. But I wanted to let you try.”

The silence that settled on the room at that point was so thick I could almost see it. I had never thought Jared had any real feelings for Jane, I always thought she was just another pretty girl in a crowd of many to him. He never once said otherwise. He always played so damn close to the vest with his real emotions, sometimes even I got them wrong. I wish now I had been there that night that they met at the diner. Maybe if I had seen how he reacted to all to her confessions I would have known. I didn't know what to say now. Thankfully Jane broke the silence.

“I'm sorry Jared. You're right," she said, her voice full of self-reproach. "All I was thinking about at that point was Shannon. If I had been a true friend to you I would have cared more about how you felt being caught up in the middle of all that. I treated you very badly too. Please accept my apology," she finished with so much sincerity I thought there was no way Jared could just brush it off. When Jane was wrong Jane owned it. But it was seven years after the fact and there was a lot of water under the bridge. I didn't know if it was going to be enough. I studied Jared carefully for his reaction. He sat down on the edge of the bed and folded his arms over his chest.

“You were supposed to argue,” he pouted. “I was just getting another good head of steam worked up.'

Jane laughed and sat down on the floor in front of him.. I felt the first tendrils of relief creeping in. I had thought from the beginning if I could just get them to talk we could get through this mess. It looked like it was working. “Will it make you feel better if you yell at me some more?” she asked.

“Did you dump that guy yet or are you just stringing my brother along again?” Jared was losing momentum but he still wasn't done.

“No. I didn't think it was fair to break it off with him over the phone. I'll do it when I see him again after my tour wraps up.”

Jared laughed, but it wasn't the amused sound that Jane had just made a few minutes earlier. This laugh was dripping with sarcasm and bitterness. “Yeah, I'm sure he'll never suspect anything is up. String it out for a good month or two. That'll be so much nicer.”

“It will be fine.," Jane protested. "We don't get to talk much anyway. I'd rather do it in person.”

Jared did the jaw thing again. I braced myself for the shouting to start again. “Fuck, are you all so fucking afraid of confrontation you'll waste months of someone else's life with a lie?”

Jane crinkled her brow at Jared for a moment and then her expression softened and fell. “Oh, Jared. I'm so sorry.”

Once again I was missing something. “What? What's going on?”

Jane looked at me. “He got dumped, Shan.”

Jared was staring at his feet, his eyes swimming. Fuck. I wondered how long he had known it was coming. That certainly would explain the increasingly bad mood he had been in. It almost explained the way he seemed almost happy with my misery. It was a little over the top but I guess if I was jilted and miserable too he wouldn't be so alone. “Bro, why the hell did you say anything.?”

“I don't want to talk it about it,” he said sternly. He gave me a pleading look. “I'm not ready to talk about it right now.”

“We don't have to talk about,” I told him. “But I wish you'd let me know it happened.”

“If you think this makes me feel sorry for Angus you're wrong," he said, quickly shifting the focus of the conversation. "Because fuck him. He deserves whatever he gets.”

Jane and I looked at each other in confusion. “What do you have against Angus?” I asked.

“First of all, I should ask why you don't have anything against him, after everything he's done to Jane.”

“All of what?” Jane said but Jared continued his conversation with me.

“You remember Carissa right?” Carissa was a girl Jared had dated right as we were getting the band together. I remembered she dumped Jared without warning, and then the realization hit me like a brick. She had dumped him for some Australian Playboy. Fucking Angus. Had to be.

“Oh shit," I said. "I forgot about that. That was him?” Jared nodded. “Jesus Christ, talk about a small fucking world.”

“Hey!” Jane interjected. “All of who did what to whom here? Someone fill me in right damn now!”

Jared turned to Jane. “You had to have been running around with him then. Angus. A redhead named Carissa. Ring any bells?”

Jane got a very strange look on her face. “How do you know about Carissa?” Jared didn't respond, just waited for her to get there on her own. “Oh fuck, that was you?”

Now I realized I was missing something. Jared was probably the only one that had the whole picture. I spilled what I knew. “Carissa was Jared's girlfriend back when the band was starting out. She was cheating on him though, ended up running off to spend the ski season with some rich dude at a resort his family owned.”

Jane sighed. “Angus was the rich dude. His family didn't own that place though, they just had some investment share in it. Anyway, Carissa kept popping up everywhere we went for like months and giggling about how her boyfriend didn't suspect anything. She was a real bitch. Angus invited her to stay with him at that Italian ski resort, he's always hanging out there in season, he loves that place. I guess he got tired of her though, and the weekend I went up there he apparently had had enough of her shit, but couldn't convince her to leave. So he invited a few girls up to his suite. Four of them. Had quite the little party and made damn sure Carissa walked in on it. She packed up and left that night.”

“And came crying back to me,” Jared concluded. “Of course I told her to keep on driving.”

“So I would think you would applaud the guy,” Jane said. “She got what was coming to her.”

“At the time I did. But then I found out he was who you were marrying and I started asking around. This part I didn't get off a website Jane. I don't know why you think this guy has any feelings worth sparing but trust me, the first thing you need to do when you leave this room is call him and tell him it's over.”

“What the hell are you talking about? Angus has been a good friend, he has always been there for me.”

“Oh come on Jane, how stupid can you be?” Jared shook his head. “I'm sorry. But really, let me ask you, what does Roger think about your engagement? He always seemed to be smart about people.”

Jane made a funny face. I had gotten the impression that she, Roger and Angus were all best of buddies, out to take on the world. The look on her face immediately dispelled that notion. “Jane?” I asked. “Doesn't Roger like Angus?”

“He liked him just fine when we were all partying. Not so much since we've been dating,” she confessed. “He's just jealous, he thinks Angus is taking me away from him.”

“That doesn't sound like Roger,” I observed. “He was happy for you to be with me, it doesn't sound like he stood in the way with you and Jefferson either did he?”

“No, but I wasn't engaged to either of you.”

“You didn't say he stopped liking Angus when you got engaged." I wondered sometimes if Jane actually thought her verbal diversions worked, or if her head really worked like this. "When did it start Jane? What does he say?”

Jane got up from her seat on the floor and started walking out. “I don't want to do this.” I reached out and grabbed her hand and she stopped but didn't turn back around.

“Fine, don't tell me anything,” Jared said, “but let me say this. I got my information from Noemi Alberti. She's known all three of you for years. I guess I should have asked her about something besides Angus. And I will. I'll get the real picture and as long as it's what you say it is I'll apologize. But until then, ask yourself when exactly it is that Angus started showing any interest in you beyond a fuck buddy? And where did all those drugs come from? And where is he right now? And what exactly does he get out of marrying you? Because it's not nothing.”

“I said I'm breaking up with him, okay?" Jane said quietly. The defeat in her voice told me that she knew something was wrong too. This wasn't new information. What the hell was going on with her? Why had she painted the picture she did? "Isn't that enough?”

Jared wasn't done. “No. Don't be stupid Jane. This morning I wouldn't have cared but I'm willing to admit I might have been wrong.” Jane started moving towards the door again. “One more question.” She sighed and turned around to face him.

“You're not saying anything Roger already hasn't Jared. Just let it go...”

“I don't think Roger has pointed this out because none of you were even aware of it before now. But Jane,” Jared said pointedly, getting up from the bed, “if that site was really put up by Lacey Addams and her people, where would she have gotten all that information?”

 

 


	26. Chapter 26

Jane stood there for a moment, not answering, and I expected her to turn around and walk out the door. Instead, her shoulders fell and she let out a deep sigh. “Do you think Angus did it?” she asked. She didn't sound shocked, or angry, or any of the things I think I would have if someone had just said that to me. She sounded defeated, exhausted.

“It adds up Jane.”

Jane shook her head. “I'm tired of that game. I'm tired of adding things up and trying to figure out where they're going because I keep getting it wrong. I can't guess anymore. I'm out of steam, I'm dead tired, I'm worn out. Kaput. I need to know.”

“Where's your phone?” Jared asked. Jane reached for her back pocket but came away empty. “Go get your phone and come back down here.” Jane nodded in resignation and slipped out the door.

Alone with Jared, I had a million things to ask but I decided to focus in on his own big revelation. “Why didn't you tell me you broke up with Cameron? What's with the secrecy?”

Jared ignored me, fishing around for his phone on the bed. “I need to make a phone call.”

“Dammit Jay, what the hell is going on with you? Why aren't you talking to me? You want to go on and on about my problems and my love life but you won't even tell me you're not getting married anymore?” I was beginning to understand how Jane felt. Guessing your way through other people's heads was incredibly draining.

Jared looked at his Blackberry and then the carpet. “I fucked up Shannon. I fucked up a lot and it wasn't just me and I don't want to talk about it yet.” He dialed the phone, and when he started his conversation with whoever picked up I threw up my hands. Obviously, I wasn't going to be getting any more answers now either.

“Hey Noemi,” he began. “I hope you're not too busy. Can't get into all the why right now but tell me everything you know about Jane Sewell.” He walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him and starting the water running in the sink, presumably for some privacy. I fell onto the bed. I needed a break. Too much had happened in too short a time. I realized it had been just about two days since I first met up with Jane again. Almost the same length of time as we'd had together the first go around. Things had been so different then, for both of us. It seemed that in getting what we wanted we had also picked up a lot of extra garbage. And although I couldn't explain it, I had this feeling that somehow we were each other's key to getting ourselves back. I closed my eyes and waited for Jared to finish his phone calls or Jane to come back. I had almost drifted off into a sort of fitful sleep when I heard Jane's soft knock at the door.

As I let her back in, I explained that Jared was on the phone already and pulled her over to the bed, wrapping myself around her. Even with everything that was going on, all my unanswered questions, I could feel myself relaxing at just the feel of her. She melted into me without a word, her arms gripping my waist tightly as she flattened her cheek against my chest. She seemed so tiny in that moment. If defeat and regret had a face I think it would have been Jane's. There were still a lot of things I needed answers to but I pushed that aside. More than anything I wanted to see her smile again. I would settle for her not looking as if her world had just ended. I hoped Jared was going to come back with something helpful.

Jared was in the bathroom for a long time. When he finally came out he asked Jane for her phone. She handed it to him without a word, without a question of what he intended to do. I think she was so utterly beaten at that point she was relieved to have someone else step in. The phone was the same model as Jared's Blackberry so it took him no time to figure out how to pull up her contacts and dial out. He walked back into the bathroom before the call connected.

“Janey,” I said gently, “don't you even want to know what he's doing.”

She sighed and hid her face in my shirt. “He can't do any more damage than I've already done.” I really didn't know what to say to that but I figured she needed me to just be there more than anything and so I wrapped my arms around her a little tighter and waited for whatever was going to happen next. It took almost an hour of us lying there in silence but it turned out to be Jared coming back out of the bathroom, handing Jane her phone back.

“Roger wants to talk to you.”

Jane sat up and wiped her face. She hadn't seemed to be crying but her cheeks were wet. She held out her hand.

“I just want to say I'm sorry,” Jared told her as he returned the device. “Not just for how I behaved but how shitty everything is for you right now. I know I haven't helped.”

Jane nodded and took the phone. “Hello, Roger.” I listened to her side of the conversation as patiently as I could. “No, you don't need to come get me. I have Shannon. And Jared too apparently,” she added, looking at him. He nodded. The rest that followed was just a lot of “I know”s and “I promise”s. Eventually, she finished the call and sat the phone down.

“Okay is someone going to fill me in on what the hell is happening now?” I asked. “Because really, I am done.”

Jared started. “I made some phone calls. Things are, more or less, as she said they were. Lacey Addams is a nutcase. Most everyone that knows Jane likes her and I have been strongly assured that she is nothing like the picture that website painted.”

“More or less?” I questioned. Jared gave me a wry smile.

“I'm getting there.” He turned to Jane. “First of all you should know I called a lawyer, someone that knows about dealing with internet bullshit He's going to be calling you back tomorrow to formalize things but he thinks he'll be able to get the site taken down.”

“Thank you,” she said. “You didn't have to do that.”

“That's the easy part. The next one is ugly but I'm not going to pussyfoot around it.” His face was grim as he continued. “Just know that I talked to a lot of people, including Roger, and I'm one hundred percent certain about what I'm telling you. Angus is using you to get his inheritance, and setting it up so that he can then divorce you without having to pay you any kind of settlement.”

“What?” I asked. Jane looked down at the floor. “Did you know that was going on?” I asked her in disbelief. I didn't understand how strong, determined Jane could possibly have fallen so far as to let someone use her like that. “Janey?”

“I really thought...” she trailed off, having difficulty finding her words. “He was so sweet when it started, I thought he really did care, he acted so crazy for me. He rescued me...”

Jared cut her off and I could tell by the look on his face he was really pissed. He may not have been yelling this time but I'm pretty sure that was just so Jane wouldn't flip out and bolt. “He set it up so you would need to be rescued,” he told her. He changed his focus to me. “Angus likes to party and he likes women. Usually the trashier the better.”

“Well that explains Carissa,” I scoffed.

“He's got a journalism degree and a job with a paper his family owns. But he could never support himself the way he likes on his own. His family was fed up with the partying and the girls and blind items in gossip columns. They told him if he didn't straighten up and settle down he was going to be cut off.”

“That's where Jane comes in,” I deduced. Jared nodded.

“They had already met her. They liked her. But Jane wasn't interested in anything but a friends with benefits arrangement.” Jane nodded in resignation. So far at least Jared seemed to be spot on. “And of course she had a boyfriend. When he died it gave Angus the opportunity he was looking for.”

“That's fucking cold,” I said in horror. My blood was already starting to boil and there was a sour taste in my mouth. I looked over at Jane but she had just sunk down further on the bed, her hands locked behind her neck as tears welled up in her eyes.

Jared wasn't done. “Not just because she was finally single, but because she was devastated at losing him. Enter good-time Angus, taking her and Roger to parties, making sure there's plenty of liquor and drugs around to drown their sorrows in. He waits until it gets bad and then he 'rescues' her. Gets her cleaned up, gets her head straight, takes her away to his family's estate so she can run away from her problems and play lady of the manor. Now she's grateful and seeing him in a new light. He sweeps her off her feet, he proposes.”

“I guess this is why he didn't care when I told him I didn't really love him, not like that." Jane's voice was breaking. She may not have been in love with him but being used this way would sting no matter what. "I thought he just assumed I would come to love him properly over time. But really he didn't care. He didn't love me either did he?”

“I'm sorry Jane, but no, I'm certain he didn't. He needed to marry you and then he needed to be able to divorce you in such a way that it wasn't his fault. He probably figured he couldn't get you to cheat on him, that's not your style.” She gave me a guilty look. She had never told Angus about me. If she had he probably would have hatched a plan to throw her back into my arms.

“Lacey I'm sure was only too happy to help,"Jared went on. "Once he realized how much of a psycho she was he fed her all sorts of garbage and gossip about you, encouraged her to get her people to set up that site. He promised her he'd get back with her after the divorce if she helped him.”

“How could you possibly know that?” I demanded. Jared shrugged significantly. “You fucking called her!” I said in shock. Jared nodded. He really had been doing the legwork while I had laid here trying to comfort Jane. I looked at her now, slumped over the edge of the bed, tears falling silently, utterly defeated. I was seeing red. I want to kill this guy. “Fuck this shit. Get me on a plane to South Korea. I'm going to kill this fucking asshole.”

“Won't do you any good,” Jared said. “He's not in South Korea.”

Jane looked at Jared with a puzzled expression. “Yes he is, he's on assignment there, has been for the last two months. I'm meeting him there in three weeks.”

“Oh he may be going to meet you there in three weeks but that's not where he is now. Right now he is in Italy, with some chick named Nicole. Noemi says she saw them together just a few days ago.”

Jane got up and ran into the bathroom. I could hear her vomiting. She had been through hell and had latched on to Angus like a log in a raging river, only to find out he was the one who blew the dam to begin with. And she hadn't seen it, and when she did she had tried to rationalize it away. But now the game was up. I couldn't even begin to imagine how shattered she felt right now. Jared had better have some pretty good revenge planned for this guy or I really was going to get on an international flight just to kick the shit out of him. I gave Jane a few minutes to get over the sick and then went in with a wet washcloth.

“Come on baby,” I told her as she took the cloth from me. “Wash your face and brush your teeth and come help us figure out how we're going to ruin this guy's world.”

“Acutally,” Jared said from the other room, “what we're going to do is pack. The bus leaves in an hour and a half. We can plot our revenge on the way to Missouri.”

“Jane was going to drive." I pointed out.

“Does she look like she's in any condition to drive that far? No, Jane, you're riding on the bus with us.”

I walked her back to our room to pack. There were still things I need to know. Once we were alone again and tucking folded clothing back into our respective suitcases I asked her.

“Janey, I just don't understand. You knew at least some of this was going on, or you suspected. You made it all sound so nice and happy. Why didn't you tell me?”

She sat her cosmetics bag down on the bed and looked at me. “I don't know Shannon. I got so lost out there. I thought I had it under control, I thought I was doing well, and by the time I realized I wasn't it was all so far out of control I didn't know how to get it back. And I didn't know you anymore. I didn't know I could trust you.”

I realized that this was all sort of the ultimate humiliation for a person like Jane. Jane always had a plan, the long game, and the short game, and she put her nose to the grindstone and she got things done. She excelled. To be so blindsided, to have all her plans thrown out the window... she probably didn't know what to do. I don't think she'd ever been in that situation before.

“You can come to me for anything. Always. Even if something happens and we're not together you can still come to me. I promise.”

She slipped back into my arms. “I get that now.”

 


	27. Chapter 27

I tried to give Jane a quick primer on tour life and rules of the bus while we carried our luggage down. I wished I'd had more time to prepare her, getting crammed into a moving metal box with a group of people that to her were more or less strangers was almost sure to be more than she was bargaining for, but Jared was right, she was in no shape to drive. Alone on quiet unchanging Midwestern highways like that would have done nothing but give her time to ramble around her brain and second guess every decision she had ever made, so it was either leave her here or load her up with us.

Our tour manager, Tony, was already waiting by the bus when we got there and he gave me a look of barely controlled panic when he saw me approaching with Jane, bags in hand. I didn't see Jared anywhere so I doubted anyone had been filled in on the situation yet. They must have been under the impression the two of them were still locked in mortal combat. As soon as I had handed off our gear I went to give Tony a quick explanation and reassure him there would be no fireworks, while I got in one last cigarette. He seemed unconvinced and continued to look around warily until Jared showed up and gave Jane a big hug before explaining the situation himself.

We had been so busy in spending the day sorting out Jane's mess then running to pack and change arrangements that we were the last ones to board. Everyone was pretty surprised to see Jane of course. I explained that she was just going to be with us until Chicago, but they gave me the same anxious looks that Tony had. Once Jared climbed on board though and reassured them that everything was copacetic they started with their antics, teasing all at once like a chaotic twisted chorus.

“Are you going to clear out the junk bunk or just squeeze her in with you?”

“They're little, they can share.”

“Great, a chick on board. Now I can't walk around with my dick out.”

“You walk around with your dick out and I'll fucking punch you in it.”

“Why aren't you guys fighting?”

“I know, that was fun right?”

“I liked it when she called him a whore. Call Jared a whore again Jane.”

I grumbled. “For fuck's sake, guys don't run her off before we even get out of the parking lot.” I looked over at Jane but she was smiling at their antics. I suppose after 18 years of Roger it took a lot to ruffle her feathers. She gave me a sly sideways glance before responding.

“Jared knows he's a whore, he doesn't need me to remind him.” She winked at Jared when she said it and he smiled back at her. “And there's nothing little about Shannon.” Her wink was for me this time and her smile was getting bigger by the minute. God, it was great to see her smile. “As for your dicks....” she shrugged and gave a little laugh, “wave them around wherever you want to. It's not like I'll be able to see them. I didn't bring my reading glasses.”

Everyone immediately erupted into roars of laughter. “Oh shit girl it is on!” Matt told her. When the laughter had slowed down, Jared called up to the front of the bus.

“Hey Ben, when's the dinner stop?”

“Other side of St. Louis, about 4 hours,” the driver responded.

Jared turned to Jane. “Do you want to sit up here and scheme with us about what we're going to do about your asshole about-to-be-ex-fiance? Or do you want to go crash for a bit? I know you're tired. Sometimes on the road, you've got to sleep when you can. Did you bring some earplugs? I have some extras if you need them.”

“I really don't feel like dealing with any more of the Angus situation right now,” she told him, her smile already starting to slip. I was a little pissed at him for bringing it up but it was something we were going to have face sooner rather than later. I grabbed her go-bag and laptop case.

“Come on, let's go stash this stuff and we can curl up for a bit, see if you can drift off.”

As we headed back to my bunk a chorus of “No sex on the bus!” was shouted from the front. I just flipped them off without turning around. Everyone was laughing and in good spirits and so far Jane's addition to the traveling crew didn't seem to have had an adverse effect. She seemed to be fitting in just fine. I figured Jared would fill them all in on the details of why she was here so unexpectedly and where the fighting went while we slept. It was better that way, at least Jane didn't have to sit through it again.

The bunk was a snug fit with both of us in there but it was definitely doable. I let Jane get comfortable then wrapped myself around her, pulling her against me to be the little spoon while I tucked her hair back from the side of her face. She just sighed and snuggled into me deeper. After a few minutes of silence she spoke, so softly I could barely hear her.

“I'm so sorry Shannon.”

I kissed her cheek. “Baby what on earth are you sorry for.”

“For the things I thought about you when I saw those videos. I should have known there was more to it. I guess karma really came around for me didn't it?”

“Don't think like that,” I told her. “That already seems like a hundred years ago.”

She turned around in my arms. “Not to me, it doesn't. If I hadn't seen those and thought what I did I never would have gotten involved with Angus. Not like this. This all my stupid mistake. I just keep failing you don't I? Doesn't this feel familiar? Me fucking up and you telling me it's okay? How many times can I ask you to forgive me again before you decide you've had enough? How many times can you forget yet another stupid thing I've done? Because I did this, I got myself into this situation. I really have no one to blame for this but myself.”

I figured since we weren't going to leave the subject alone I would at least get my big question out of the way. “Why Jane? I know you've tried to explain it but I really cannot wrap my head around why you let it get this far. I can barely understand you running off to party like a madwoman to begin with. I really don't understand how you ever let you get yourself mixed up with someone like Angus, even from the start. You must have had some idea of who he really was.”

I could see Jane pausing to gather her thoughts before she responded. “He was very interesting. He was a very different person from everyone I knew and I thought it might be fun to get to know him. Everything with him was a new experience. I got to go places I wouldn't have, meet people I would never have interacted with.”

“Dammit, Jane.” That was the writer in her, always seeking out new experiences, new material, new data. “That might be a reason to get to know someone a little better but it's a lousy reason to include them in your life. Interesting is not always a good thing.”

“Don't say that,” she responded. She pulled her fingers through my hair as she gazed at me affectionately. “If I hadn't been curious about the strange drunk guy who ate all my french fries and bolted when he should have been trying to kiss me I would never have given you my number or gone to that second party with you.”

She had a point but she was missing mine. “You like adventure, I get that. But people aren't adventures Jane. A poorly chosen adventure might have you end up with a broken leg or a little poorer. Maybe needing a few doses of antibiotics. A poorly chosen person in your life can break your heart and soul.”

She brushed her lips against mine, drawing that hand down across my face as she closed her eyes and breathed me in. “I'll take my chances.”

It dawned on me then what a scary, questionable choice I was for her. I was every bit as far out of her comfort zone and range of experience as Angus had been, just in a completely different way. So was Roger, I imagined, once upon a time. I remembered all the stories she had told me about growing up, in her peaceful little conservative town where nothing changed, with her very nice but very traditional family. Her whole life in one county, with people that had known her and her family for generations. County fairs and library fundraisers and Sunday church potlucks. There was safety and stability there. She could have had a pleasant, comfortable life. But she had chased her dreams and defied her fears not just of adventures but of people too. Angus wasn't the first one to have hurt her. He wouldn't be the last. He probably wasn't even the worst. And as sad and broken as she had seemed in that hotel room only a few hours ago she was already forging onward, bouncing back, getting right back on that horse of questionable decisions. If she really wanted to be sure not to be hurt again she'd run the hell away from me too. She should have at least been trying to build some defenses, not letting everyone in where they could hurt her. Not getting on a bus full of virtual strangers and joking with them like they were her new best friends. But that wasn't Jane. Jane wasn't about walls and boundaries and safe choices. She had tried getting smarter and more cautious when she had gone looking for me and that almost kept us apart for good. I knew she would only take that as more evidence that her way was the right way, damn the consequences. Jane took heartbreak as the price of living a full life. I knew she wasn't going to change. She may have looked like a soft little marshmallow but my Janey had a certain emotional fearlessness and an iron will under all that. Tears for her weren't a weakness. They were lessons. For about the hundredth time I appreciated how amazing she was, and how very much I did not deserve her.

I'm not sure how long we slept. When I awoke again the bus was quiet but still moving and Jane was drowsing on my arm, which had fallen asleep. I pulled it out from under her as carefully as I could but I still woke her.

“Sorry babe,” I told her as I kissed her forehead. She just threw one leg over me and snuggled into my chest. I thought she went back to sleep but after a few minutes of trying to get the blood flow back into my arm, I felt her fingers slipping under the bottom of my t-shirt.

“Hey Shannon,” she murmured against my neck, “define “no sex on the bus” for me please.”

I chuckled and drew her face up to mine, diving in for a hungry kiss before answering her. “It means we'll be in Kansas City in a few hours and a real bed in a real hotel room and when we get there I promise I will devote myself entirely to making you scream.”

She continued sliding her hands under my shirt, letting her nails run across the surface of my back. Her lips were against the skin of my neck, her warm breath tickling the sensitive skin there and I could feel my dick stirring despite the futility of the situation. “Janey....”

“Just kiss me Shannon.” she murmured breathlessly. “I just want to feel you. You're still not entirely real to me.” She bit my lower lip and then slipped her tongue into my mouth. Obligingly I kissed her back, sucking her tongue in deeper as I rolled her onto her back. She whimpered softly and crossed her ankles behind me, pulling me against her as tightly as she could. Not that there was room for me to go much of anywhere else.

Knowing there was no chance of this leading to anything more let me slow down and savor her. I ran my fingers over her smooth warm skin as our tongues danced together. I found all the tenderest bits again, committing them to memory like the sweet spot of a favorite drum and then reveling in the way she sighed and shifted against me when I brushed over them. As much as I was aching to be inside her then it was amazing to simply be there with her, lost in the uncomplicated intimacy as our lips fused us together. I remembered the first time I had kissed her, as she stood defiantly in front of me in that crowded house. It had felt like a sort of miracle. I had been sure she was going to pass on me, sure she was going to choose Jared. But when that kiss was over and I pulled my lips away, the little gasp she made and the startled look on her face told me everything I needed to know. She had already been mine. She just hadn't discovered it yet. I was determined to lay claim to her again.

 

We finally stopped for dinner at some random truck stop just the other side of Kansas City. Jared and I tucked Jane between us in the booth at the attached diner and I found myself sub-consciously expecting Maxine to come and take our order. Thankfully Jared left the topic of a certain Australian asshat alone for the duration of the meal. I was surprised at how well Jane was getting along with everyone, the more they teased her the more she threw right back at them and I think she was genuinely enjoying herself. It was a side of her I had only seen in tiny glimpses before. I liked it. At least all the Janey surprises weren't unpleasant.

Once dinner was finished the uncomfortable discussion moratorium apparently ended. I came back inside after my cigarette break to find Jared speaking animatedly and Jane scowling at the tabletop.

“You can't just let him get away with this,” Jared was saying as I walked back into range of the conversation. “He'll just move on to someone else. And if he learns anything from this situation the next woman will be someone with a lot fewer resources and fewer friends and less able to fight back.”

I sat down next to Jane. “You're not thinking about dropping this without getting revenge are you?” I asked her incredulously.

Jane sighed. “I don't know. You know they say the best revenge is living well....”

“... and blah blah blah, revenge bad, forgiveness good, yeah I've heard the philosophers.” I finished impatiently. “Screw that shit. This is not that kind of situation. Jared's right. Someone has to stop this guy.”

“It feels so petty. I just want to get back to my life.” Jane reached over and put her hand on my knee as she said it, a tiny smile at the edge of her lips. I understood that I was what she wanted to get back to. I placed my hand over hers and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“You are getting back to your life,” I reassured her.

Jared got a sudden grin on his face that told me he had just had an idea. “When you don't have time to deal with something yourself, or you don't want to, what do you do?” he asked. We just looked blankly at him. “You delegate!”

“I'm not sure I follow,” Jane replied.

“Look, I'm all for having a little fun at this guy's expense after the way he's treated Jane,” Jared said. “But the real goal here is to make sure he doesn't do this again. To bring him down to a place where he can't victimize someone else. His family is already threatening to cut him off, and if they do that he's done. So all we have to do is make sure that happens.”

“What are you proposing?”

“We delegate. Jane, hire a private detective to get actual proof of all the stuff we've found out. Once it is in hand, get him arrested on drug charges by calling in a tip, shouldn't be that hard from the sounds of things. Of course, he'll think his family is going to bail him out but once he's in custody give them all the stuff the detective finds and let them take it from there. If they're as done with him as you say, that'll be the nail in the coffin. Even if they bail him out of jail he'll probably at the very least be cut off. No money, no family influence, no resources to sucker in another poor woman. End of Angus and you barely have to do a thing. Just let him hang himself.”

I had to admit it had a certain simple elegance to it, and it did allow Jane to keep her hands clean. She wouldn't be doing anything to Angus except showing his family exactly who he was. I looked at her expectantly.

“Know any good private detectives?” she asked with a smile.

"No, but I'm sure we can find one. This requires you keeping up appearances with him though. You can't let him know anything is up until we're ready to strike." Jared looked at her with concern. "Do you think you can do that? Do you think you can keep interacting with him like normal?"

"I can do it," Jane said. "It will leave a bad taste in my mouth but I can do it. But let's get this done quickly. I want to move on. I've wasted enough of my life on this shithead."

 


	28. Chapter 28

Jane spent most of the rest of the trip with her headphones on and her laptop out, trying to get some writing done. The book I had read was the first in a series and she had a deadline to meet, tour or not. I left her alone and hung out with the guys, playing video games and being our usual loud, obnoxious selves. Jane didn't seem to pay us any attention, lost to whatever muse had ahold of her.

When we got to the hotel I quickly hopped out for a smoke while Tony went inside to take care of getting the rooms sorted. The quality of our accommodations on the road was often wildly unpredictable, and this place looked especially worrying but anything beat another day on the bus. It was going to be 5 days after this show before we had another night in a hotel. I wondered how Jane was going to handle it. While we waited she went for a walk around the parking lot to stretch her legs as I huddled with the other nicotine addicts, catching up with Kevin, one of the techs that were traveling with us. He was having problems with his girl back home and I was a good listener so we had ended up talking quite a bit over the course of the tour. I was completely caught up in the conversation so I didn't realize how much time had passed until Jane came back from one her laps around the lot.

“Does it usually take this long?” she asked, pulling the cigarette out from between my fingers and taking a drag. I blinked at her in confusion as the white gray smoke circled her head. For about the hundredth time in the last few days, I remembered I was still playing catch-up when it came to Jane.

“No it doesn't,” Kevin told her. “I wonder what's up.”

We stood around like that for a few more minutes, Kevin not saying much with Jane in the mix, and me watching in confused silence as Jane periodically took additional puffs of my cigarette. I could see in the lobby that Jared had joined Tony at the desk and there was a rather passionate discussion going on. I tossed my cigarette but into the gravel and pressed myself behind Jane, wrapping my arms around her chest as I drew her up against me. I may have still been sorting through a lot in my head when it came to her but I wanted to have my hands on her as much as possible while I did it. I nuzzled her neck while we swayed under the light from the neon sign and waited to be able to head up to our rooms.

“So, minor problem.” Jared had exited the lobby and was heading towards us, a scowl on his face. “They have us all sharing rooms here. Which isn't a big deal, except for you two, you guys probably don't want me in the room with you,” he said, gesturing to Jane and me. He got a lewd grin on his face. “Or hey, maybe you do. Threesome anyone?”

Jane just laughed. “In your dreams, whore,” she told him, giving him a playful shove against his chest. “I'll just book my own room and Shannon can stay with me.”

“Yeah, about that,” Jared continued. “They're pretty booked up. They said there weren't any other rooms available but apparently there's a cancellation for the honeymoon suite if you want that.”

Jane looked around dubiously at the unimpressive lot. “This place has a honeymoon suite?" she asked, wrinkling her nose at the prospect. "Never mind, I'll take it.”

“The honeymoon suite, Jane? Really?” I asked. It felt weird to be taking advantage of someone else's canceled wedding night.

Jane rolled her eyes at me. “Oh calm down Shannon. You're not going to catch commitment cooties if we stay there.” Kevin laughed.

“That's not what I was...” I grumbled and made a face at her and Kevin. I knew what my reputation was, and for the first time, I wondered what the guys thought mine and Jane's relationship actually was like. I hoped they didn't think she was just another hookup, that they understood she was different. Whatever they thought it didn't seem to bother Jane at all. She leaned in and gave me a light kiss on the nose.

“Tell them we'll take it,” she told Jared. “I'm just going to go get my credit card and ID and I'll be right in.”

Jared walked back inside and I walked back over to the bus with Jane. “That's not why I made that face you know,” I told her.

“I know. I was just teasing you.” She flipped that cascade of blonde hair back over her shoulder and reached for the door. “Don't be so serious.”

My mouth was dry as I watched her climb the metal steps. I was beginning to have flashbacks to the beginning of our relationship and they weren't good ones. “I don't think you take us as seriously as I do. I don't think you know what's going on my head at all.”

Jane stopped and came back down the stairs. “What on earth would make you say that Shan? Maybe I don't always know what's going on in your head but that's what words are for. If I have it wrong tell me.”

I felt a knot of frustration forming in my chest. “You know I'm not good at that.”

Jane softened her expression and slid her hand behind my neck, drawing my head towards hers. “I know, my grumbly bear,” she said gently. “Please know I take us very seriously. And I'm happy to expand on that for you but for right now I need to get us checked in to our own room before Jared propositions us again.” She disappeared back into the bus and I stood there alone in the parking lot, growing increasingly more irritated with myself. I couldn't have articulated what the problem was at that point if my life depended on it, but I knew there was one. We weren't on the same page again, I could feel it in my bones. And the stakes felt so much higher now.

 

The so-called honeymoon suite was just a room with a king sized bed and small separate area with a lumpy sofa and a table and chairs. I felt sad for whoever had been going to stay there, both for the shabbiness of the surroundings and the dashed dreams of their future. Of course, maybe they weren't really celebrating their honeymoon either but with all the bad relationship mojo in the air right now I couldn't escape that feeling. Maybe that's what was causing me to be so distrusting of Jane all of the sudden, that atmosphere of breakups and strife that seemed to be growing around our little group like a cloud. It hadn't rolled in with Jane but it had been picking up steam much more rapidly since she had gotten here and was now probably somewhere around a full blown thunderhead. I pulled my toiletries out of my suitcase and prepared to hop in the shower.

“You want to join me?” I asked Jane with a smile, gesturing to the door in the corner as I held up my shampoo and body wash. Jane bit her lower lip and looked back at me through half-drawn eyelids. “I'll take that as a yes.”

In the shower I took my time with her, just as I had on the bus, letting my fingers wander over her slick and soapy skin, feeling her muscles relax as the warm water cascaded over us. As I lathered her chest I noticed the Latin tattoo under her breast again.

“What does that mean?” I asked her. “Astra inclinant, sed non obligant?”

She traced her finger over the words thoughtfully. “Literally, it translates to “The stars incline us, they do not bind us”. It means that fate may nudge us in a certain direction but ultimately our decisions and our lives are our own." She outlined the characters again, and I was certain she was lost in a memory. "I need to remember that more often.”

I let my hand skim over the letters, thinking about the crazy journey Jane and I had been on. Fate had seemed determined to keep us apart. And for years we had let it. Now we seemed to be making a decision to try and change that. I wondered what decision had led Jane to get that inscription. Maybe it wasn't a decision at all, maybe it was her own inaction that had a prompted her to add that permanent reminder to her skin. Either way, it seemed oddly fitting right now.

Jane let her hands trace over my tattoos as well, our wet skin inviting exploration. When she had finished outlining my arm she pulled my wrist to her lips, placing the tenderest of kisses there before pulling my hand against her chest. “I do take us very seriously Shannon,” she said. Her eyes were closed and she was clutching my wrist like a security blanket. “I should have fought for you a long time ago but I didn't know how. I'm learning though. I pay attention to my lessons in life.”

I pulled her against me, the soothing warmth of the shower washing the remaining soap from our bodies. “I asked too much, too soon,” I acknowledged, having had the intervening years to replay our entire relationship in my head and gain some clarity. “And when I didn't get it I just pouted and waited for things to change. I didn't do anything to change them myself. I guess I need that tattoo too.”

She placed her hand behind my neck again, pulling our foreheads together. It was the most Jane thing in the world to me, she was always doing that, pressing her head against mine, and I loved the way that it felt so intimate without needing words. It wasn't long before our mouths found each other,

Jane was always making noise when we were together, even when I kissed her. It always started off with soft little sighs and whimpers but that was the music of Jane for me. As my tongue warred with hers and my hands found their way to firm curves of her breasts I listened to the ways those little murmurs mixed with the staccato rhythm of the shower droplets. I was so caught up in it it took me a minute to realize her hands had found my cock, her delicate fingers wrapped around its thickness as her palm traveled its length. She broke her mouth from mine and pressed her lips to my ear, my name shuddering out of them like a prayer. My chest ached to hear it. I knew what I had intended to do when invited her in here but I realized I wasn't just fucking her anymore. I was experiencing her. I was falling hard.

Grabbing her wrists, I turned her so her back was against the shower wall, her hands held in place next to her head. I moved my mouth to her exposed throat, swirling my tongue against the tender skin while I pulled it between my teeth. She had left her marks on me before, now I needed to leave some of my own. I ground my hips against her as I devoured her slender neck, her whimpers growing louder and more frantic as her need increased. I was beginning to understand that Jane's sexual appetite easily matched my own overblown libido. For the first time ever, I wondered if I would be able to keep up. I wasn't 26 anymore.

I let her wrists go, my hands traveling back down her body until I slipped a palm between her barely parted thighs, pushing them further apart for better access to her tight little sex. My thumb had just found the swollen bud of her clit, her breathing turning into shaking pants, when realization dawned on me.

“Fucking hell,” I groaned against her shoulder, pulling my hand away. “Jane where the fuck did we pack the condoms?”

Jane gave a plaintive little cry as I pulled my hand away. “I have no idea, Shannon.” I stepped back to go look for them but Jane grabbed my hand, pulling me back against her. “We don't necessarily need them,” she said tentatively. “I'm on the pill. If you're comfortable with that, knowing where my ex has been.”

I was more than happy to dispense with the things. “I'll take my chances,” I told her, pressing back against her again as I moved her thighs apart. She reached between us, guiding me towards her entrance and I lifted her leg for better access. As she slowly sank down onto me my noises were as loud as hers, moans coming from deep within my chest as I lost myself in the damp velvet that encircled me. She grabbed onto my shoulders and locked her legs around my waist, shuddering as I finally breached her completely. I braced myself against the tile behind her, my hips making small, tentative thrusts until I was sure we weren't going to tumble over. When I sped up her moans did too, and she dug her fingers into my skin as I pushed her closer to her climax. She extended her legs back out, bracing her feet against the opposite wall so her hips could match my rhythm. Her back was arched, her hands reaching to grip the tile behind her as she whined and shook. She was music and dance when I was inside her and I was quickly lost to her spell again. It didn't matter how confused or unsure I was anymore, when we were together like this, it all made sense, even if only for those moments. I could feel the pressure building in me too, and when she came apart around me I quickly followed, my teeth leaving their impression on her shoulder as I fought the urge to scream as loudly as she had. I sat her back down gently, feeling a twinge of sadness as our bodies separated. I knew reality would be crashing in again any second. I could already feel its fingers in the edges of my awareness.

We dried off and got into our pajamas without a word, simply reaching over to touch each other again periodically until we were able to snuggle together under the covers. It was early and we'd napped on the bus so we ended up sitting through several movies on the slightly too green television in the room. I didn't remember falling asleep at all but suddenly someone was banging on the door and the clock told me it was after nine in the morning. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I went to answer the door.

“Wow, you look exactly the same!” the man on the other side of the door said. “Sorry if I woke you up. I didn't know what anybody's schedule was like today.”

It took a few minutes of me blinking my bleary eyes and waiting for my brain to engage before I realized who the tall blonde man in front of me was. “Roger?”

“Yeah, it's me, am I that forgettable or are you just that sleepy?” he asked with a wry smile. I stepped back from the door to let him in.

“Jane, wake up. It's for you.” I called out. She sat up in the bed, blinking the same way I had just minutes earlier before her eyes lit on Roger.

“Roger?” her voice was hoarse with sleep and she sounded confused. “What the hell are you doing here? I told you I didn't need to be rescued. You didn't have to fly all the way out here.”

Roger dropped his duffle and sat down on the bed next to Jane. “I didn't come to rescue you. It's your turn. Rescue me.”

Jane's expression immediately became one of concern. “What's wrong?”

Roger shrugged. “Daphne dumped me. She said I was too exhausting.”

I sat down on the bed next to them. It looked like the cloud was still growing.

 


	29. Chapter 29

Jane wrapped her arms around Roger. “What happened?”

“I just told you,” he replied with a pout.

Jane sighed. “Roger, I know she didn't just come over one day and say “You're too exhausting, I'm taking my toothbrush and going home.”. What happened?”

“She did it at dinner. And she's been complaining for a while. I mentioned maybe flying out to see you when your tour picked back up and we got in this big fight about how I never stay in town with her when I'm not working, and how I'm always running off to do this and that and she just said I was unstable and exhausting and she'd had enough. Left before the dessert cart.”

Jane frowned. “So the fight started because you wanted to come see me?”

Roger threw his head back and sighed. “No, Jane, she didn't dump me because of you.”

“Because she never liked sharing you with me, she was always trying to get rid of me....”

“.. and that was her first mistake,” Roger said firmly. “No one splits up the Wonder Twins. But no, she can make all the excuses she wants to but really she broke up with me because she felt like her sell-by date was approaching and I wasn't one bit closer to wanting to settle down with her or anyone else than the day she met me. And even then I think she'd probably have stuck around longer if I were a bigger deal, but I'm not A-list enough to compensate for a lack of a ring.”

Jane wrinkled her nose. “Is that why she's been pushing you into acting?”

“I think so.” Roger laughed bitterly. “Funny thing is though, now that I'm actually studying what I'm doing, I really like it. And I'm getting a lot better.”

“Well screw Daphne.” Jane got up out of the bed and started rummaging through her bag. “May she have a shallow and miserable life as some Upper East Side trophy wife. I'm going to get dressed and then we're going to get some breakfast and figure out where there is to party in this town.” She tossed my bag at me. “Come on, Shannon.”

I groaned and laid back down on the bed. We'd been up late the night before and it was entirely too early to be awake in my opinion. This was the last actual full day off I had before Jane left and I'd had visions of spending it in bed with her, maybe going out later that night for some local fun. “Jane it's 9:30 in the morning. Don't you think it's a little early to start partying?”

“I said breakfast first.” She frowned at me. “Why are you being like this?”

Shit. I could feel this turning sour fast. “Like what?” I asked, but I knew. I didn't know when I had turned into a judgmental, grumpy old man.

“Like the goddamn party police.”

As much as I didn't want to spend the day babysitting Roger, I was even less enthusiastic about spending it fighting with Jane. But as usual, I found myself unable to control the stupid things coming out of my mouth. “It was supposed to just be us today.” I pouted. “I haven't seen you in all these years and we finally have a chance to spend some time together and then he shows up and suddenly it's all pancakes and day drinking?”

“Hey look, the last thing I want is to do here is show up and mess things up between you guys,” Roger interjected. He got up and picked up his bag. “Jared said I could share his room. I'll just go down there and we can hang later.”

“No way, stay right there.” Jane was dressing as she spoke, pulling on shorts and a t-shirt and putting her curls into a ponytail. She turned her attention back to me. “Exactly what are you upset about anyway? Me taking time to cheer up my best friend or me not spending the day naked and at your beck and call?”

“Both?” I winced at how bad that sounded but my vocal filter was apparently on vacation. So, of course, I proceeded to make it worse. “Why am I such a monster for wanting to spend time with you when we've just now gotten back together? He's not even that upset. He said you guys can hang later. Are there any circumstances under which I'm not going to be playing second fiddle to Roger? Because if you two are always this way I think I might be on team Daphne.”

Roger's eyes grew wide and I knew that I had really stepped in it. Jane turned a shade of a red I don't think I had ever seen before in a human. “I know you did not just imply I should ditch my upset best friend so I could hang out in a hotel all day sucking your dick.”

I could tell by the way she said that last part that particular activity was not going to be happening again for a very long time. I should have backed down, but I was in too deep to get out now. “Do you really want to go to comfort him or is it just another convenient excuse to get fucked up? Because, again, it's 9:30 in the morning, we've up for fifteen minutes and you're already mentally pouring tequila shots.”

“What the fuck, Shannon. Projecting much?”

“Maybe I've just seen that look before.” I drew my hands across my face, trying to calm down. I wasn't really even sure why I was so upset. It wasn't unreasonable she'd want to cheer Roger up. But the thought of sharing Jane with anybody suddenly made me a little crazy, especially today, when I'd had so many plans for our time alone together.

Roger tried to calm the situation down. “Janey, come on don't be unreasonable. Of course he wants to spend some time with you.” He turned to me. “I'm sorry man, I wasn't thinking. You guys have your own shit to work out. I shouldn't have just shown up like this.”

Now I felt like an even bigger asshole. “I'm sorry. I'm tired and I need some coffee. You got dumped. You wanted your best friend. It's fine.”

Jane had crossed her arms and was tapping her foot. She didn't look one bit ready to start making peace. I thought I had seen her angry when she was fighting with Jared. She looked ready to spit now. “It's not fine. You two don't get to decide when I get to be upset or how much or with whom.”

“Jane....” Roger looked completely baffled by her behavior. I could see tears welling up in her eyes.

“I am dealing with things the best I can right now. You don't need to be second guessing every decision I make, believe me, I'm doing enough of that myself. Don't try to take Roger away from me too.”

Roger was at Jane's side in an instant, pulling her against his chest. “I'm not going anywhere and I'm sure Shannon doesn't want me to. That's not what he meant silly girl.”

Jane tore herself loose from him. “I am not a silly girl and if everyone could stop treating me like a teenager that was left unsupervised for too long that would be great.” She looked at me. “I know I've done some fucking up recently. But I don't judge you for mistakes. It would be nice if you could extend me the same courtesy.”

Well, that fucking stung. One of the most miraculous things about Jane for me had been the way she had seen past all my problems. Now she was under a pile of her own and really needed a friend. I realized if I wanted her to pick me then I needed to be someone who was worthy of being picked. “No judgment, Janey, I promise. Cross my heart.” I told her.

She was quieter when she responded. “I wasn't ditching you. I thought the three of us could hang out, we could cheer up Roger together. After yesterday I thought we could stand to let off a little steam too. I wasn't choosing anyone. I didn't think I needed to.”

“I'm sorry.” I didn't know what else to say so I pulled Jane in for a hug. I was relieved when she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me back.

“I'm sorry too. I don't know why I blew up like that. I guess I'm just a little over sensitive right now.”

“Great,” Roger said. “Everyone's sorry and we promise not be such assholes for at least another few hours. So where are my pancakes? I know someone said pancakes.”

 

There was a Denny's next door to the motel and we took over a big booth in the back and ordered the promised pancakes and of course lots of coffee. Roger and Jane told me a little more about Daphne, who Jane mostly liked until she started trying to come between her and Roger. Jane had tried to keep the peace for Roger's sake but she'd been harboring a big ball of hate for Daphne and when I implied I might have sympathized with her I think that's what pushed the fight over the edge.

Jared eventually showed up and joined us at the table, and then Kevin. We all sat around trading stories of love gone wrong until Jane's phone rang. It was the lawyer Jared had referred her to the day before. She excused herself and went to finish the conversation.

With Jane gone from the table, Roger turned to me, his face stony. “Look, I'm not going to give you the “You hurt my friend and I'll kill you in your sleep” speech because I'm sure you already know that. But I like you. You get the extremely rare Jane-dating Roger seal of approval.”

“Um, thanks?” I said a little confused. He seemed to be telling me he was okay with me being with Jane but the look on his face didn't match his words.

“Yeah, but listen. Please be patient with her. I know she's putting on a good face, she's really good at seeming like she's on top of the world when she's actually trapped underneath it. But she's been through hell the last few years, I doubt she's even told you half of it. And I don't think the thing with Angus has sunk in yet.”

I remembered how happy Jane had seemed when I ran into her in that bookstore. It made me sad to think that was just a mask. I also thought about how quickly she had snapped in the hotel room this morning. She was definitely held together by thin thread at this point. “I'm trying to be there for her.”

“I know. I hope you know how much I appreciate that. Just don't fuck this up. I don't know what she told you but it took her a long time to get over you after we left. I don't want to think what it would do to her to lose you again in the state she's in now.”

“I promise,” I told him. His face stayed serious but he didn't say anything else. I wondered if he had actually come out here to be comforted about his own breakup or to make sure Jane didn't get hurt again. I don't think she even realized how protective of her he was.

Jane came back inside carrying a “Local Attractions” flier from one of those ubiquitous kiosks outside the restaurant and tossed it down on the table. I got up to let her slip between Roger and me again and she laid her head on my shoulder. Roger gave me a significant look and I put my arm around Jane, pulling her in a little tighter. “How did the conversation with the lawyer go?”

She sighed and sat back up. “He's going to take the case. I told him everything, including our plan to expose Angus. He says he knows a few P.I.'s that he works with occasionally, there should be one that will be suitable for the job, he's going to take care of setting that up. We're going to hold off filing any motions while we wait for that to come together, we don't want to alert them that something is up. The whole thing is going to be an international legal nightmare, it will probably be expensive and take some time, but in the end I should be able to get what I want.”

“That's good, I guess. Isn't it?”

Jane nodded and picked her coffee mug back up but it was empty. “You want me to get the waitress?” Kevin asked her. She shook her head before laying it back down on my shoulder. Roger leaned over and placed his own head on Jane's shoulder. She seemed much more subdued since the phone call and her mood was already bleeding over into Roger's. Jared was starting to look pretty pouty too. I did not need the three dumpees throwing themselves a pity party. I grabbed the little attractions booklet and started looked for a distraction.

“There's a zoo,” I pointed out. Jared perked up but Roger made a face. Okay, no zoo. “There's some museums, an aquarium, shopping... we could go ice skating?” I suggested. Jane frowned and pulled the little guide over in front of herself and continued leafing through it.

“Ice skating sounds kind of fun in his heat,” Roger suggested. Jane made a sound of disapproval. I was about to point out she wasn't going to find any bars open this early but then I remembered what I had promised. My inner shithead was trying hard to surface again. Suddenly Jane closed the booklet and pushed it back to the center of the table.

“Amusement park. Roller coasters. Discussion over. Take me to where the roller coasters are,” she demanded with a smile. Everyone else nodded in agreement.

 

Amusement parks brought out Jane's inner eight-year old. She had to buy cotton candy and t-shirts and ride everything, from the big scary coasters to the little kiddie train that circled the park. While we stood in line waiting for the big tower drop I watched Roger horsing around with Jared and Kevin.

“He doesn't seem very broken up,” I said quietly to Jane.

She looked over at the three of them clowning it up, Jared and Roger locked in some sort of slap fight while they made ridiculous faces at each other. “Wait for it,” she said ominously.

“Are you okay?” I asked her. She nodded and slipped her hands around my waist.

“I'm sorry. About earlier,” she told me.

I pushed back the strand of hair that had come loose from her ponytail. “I know. I'm sorry too.” I brushed my lips against hers, my thumb strumming her cheek. “It's okay now. We survived our first fight. I guess we're a real couple now.”

“Are we?” Jane insisted she was fine but there was a sense of melancholy that hadn't left her since her conversation with the lawyer.

“Are we okay or are we a real couple?”

Jane shrugged but avoided my gaze. That feeling that we weren't on the same page was creeping back in. “Both, I thought. But if you're not, Jane, or if you don't want this please tell me now. I don't need my heart broken either.”

She moved her hands so that they were around my neck and laid her head on my shoulder. “That's not what I meant, Shan,” she whispered.

The line moved forward and it was time for us to board and I didn't get a chance to ask her more. By the time we got off the ride her disposition had turned sunnier and didn't want the day to take another unpleasant turn so I let it go again.

In a recreation of one of our mini dates, Jane and I ended up splitting off from the others, first to hit the midway so I could win her another stuffed animal and then to ride the Ferris wheel where Jane insisted on making out the entire time. When we deboarded the ride, Kevin was waiting, looking upset.

“Jane, you need to come,” he said, motioning as he turned back into the crowds without waiting to see if we were following. Jane creased her forehead in concern and hurried after Kevin, pulling me along with her.

It turned out he was leading us back to Roger, who was sitting in the middle of a paved walkway, head in his hands, while Jared crouched in front of him, speaking softly. “I told you,” Jane sighed

Jared backed off once Jane stepped in and we formed a little circle around them, giving them what little space and privacy we could in the crowd. I felt bad for thinking that Roger was fine, that he hadn't needed Jane at all. I should have trusted her, they had been inseparable for nearly two decades. If she thought he needed her she was probably right.

By the time we got Roger up and moving again everyone decided we'd had enough sun and fun for one day. We loaded up into Roger's rental car and found a drive through that the vegetarians in the group didn't object to, and a liquor store. Loaded up with fast food and bottles of booze the five of us headed back to the sad little honeymoon suite for a little rotgut therapy.

 

 


	30. Chapter 30

Jared raised his cup. “Never have I ever slept with one of my teachers.”

I left my cup sitting in front of me and looked over at the sofa where Jane sat next to Roger, shaking her head as she took a drink. She had kept herself inches from him ever since she had gotten him back up from his crash on the sidewalk. I'd never seen anyone's mood change as fast as Roger's had. He'd barely spoken in the car and by the time we had started unwrapping the food we'd picked up he was fighting back tears while he talked about what a misfit and an emotional failure he was. Jane had fed him and handed him tissues and held his head against her chest until the worst of it passed. Now that we were getting plowed his mood certainly seemed to be lifting.

As I drank and watched them together, my brain slowly returned to its normal, slightly pickled state and my intuition that had been on vacation for the last three days returned. I began to gain some clarity and I saw Jane and Roger in a whole new light. They were yin and yang on a completely different level. Roger's outer-self matched Jane's inner-self and vice versa. Roger came off as this wild, adventurous, somewhat rogue-like figure, charismatic, optimistic and capable, the kind of person who problems seemed just roll off of, like water off a duck's back. In reality, he was kind, tender, emotionally vulnerable and in need of approval. He only seemed fearless because his natural personality was so over the top you just automatically assumed he had to be fearless to go through life that out there. The truth was I think he just didn't know how to be anything other than what he was, and he was as desperate for love and validation as the rest of us. And then there was Jane, who seemed so incredibly normal and practical and tenderhearted, but I was becoming increasingly convinced that was a facade built by years of trying to fit in and not be relentlessly picked on. Inside she was the wild, fearless, resilient person Roger appeared to be. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous, there was a closeness there that I was sure Jane would never share with anyone else. But then again, Jared and I had always been our own private club. Just as Jane and Roger came as a package deal, so did Jared and I. And since I liked Roger, and Jane and Jared mostly seemed to like each other, recent blood feud aside, I figured it was something I could learn to live with.

The longer I watched them, and the more I saw the way Roger needed Jane's care, the more ashamed of my behavior that morning I became. This wasn't Jane blowing me off to go to a movie with her buddy. This was important. And she was including me as much as she could in it. I had been a complete fucking asshole. And that was the other startling revelation I was coming to.

I had known Jane had become disillusioned with me after watching videos of me partying and goofing off with the guys. I had tried to fix her disappointment by cleaning myself up the way I imagined she wanted. I'd cut way back on the drinking, quit partying and picking up girls and tried to become a more responsible version of myself. After all, when people objected to me, those always seemed to be the reasons why. But that hadn't fixed what had upset Jane, all it had done was make me cranky and not much fun to be around. Jane had objected to the way I was with other people, the way I had become arrogant, callous and rude. She had told me on the phone that first night, but I had only heard the version of her objection I wanted to. It was easier to stay out of a few bars than to change the way I interacted with other people. No wonder she had flown off the handle the minute I started in with that bullshit. I had shown Jane just how right she had been. I was surprised she was still speaking to me.

Kevin didn't last very long into the game, just as he seemed to be working up a good buzz he decided to call it a night. I'm pretty sure he was going to call his girlfriend, which meant I'd be hearing about it tomorrow. Not too long after he left, Jane's phone rang. I knew it was Angus before she said anything, just from the sick look on her face. She quieted us before answering.

“Hey sweetie,” she answered. Her voice was sugary but her face looked like she was smelling a dead rat. I was reminded again how very bad Jane was at deception. I hoped she could pull this off. “How are things?”

Jane got up from her spot on the sofa and started pacing the room as she listened to Angus spin whatever bullshit story he was using to cover up his little Italian rendezvous. They continued their little chit chat for about five minutes, Jane telling Angus she had 'gone to visit friends' instead of seeing her brother this week. He apparently wasn't happy about this, because Jane started spluttering and trying to explain why she hadn't come to see him. Which really fucking pissed me off, I knew he didn't want her to fly out there, he wasn't even there, he just wanted to make her feel bad. This guy was a real asshole. Jane eventually told him that Roger had broken up with his girlfriend, she was busy cheering him and wanted to get back to him and ended the phone call. When she hung up she collapsed onto the bed. The room was silent as we waited to see what her response was going to be, I was afraid she was going to start crying again, but she got back up and poured herself another shot and then locked eyes with Jared.

“Never have I ever been faithful to someone I was engaged to.” Jared stared back at her. No one drank. Well shit. Why hadn't I thought of that tactic? Jane laughed dryly. “Well fuck me then,” she said, taking her penalty drink.

“Janey....” I started cautiously but her face had turned stony and I knew the discussion was over.

“Isn't it your turn?” she asked Roger.

Roger quickly picked up his drink. “Never have I ever told someone I loved them just so they'd have sex with me.”

I took a drink before realizing how bad it would look, after everything Jane was already thinking about me. If there was ever a time to cheat at his game, that would have been it. But as I swallowed the last of the whiskey in my glass Jane looked at me like she had never seen me before. “I was like sixteen, I was an asshole...” I tried to explain but she just shook her head and looked away. I couldn't help glaring at Roger. It was Jared's turn next.

“Never have I ever called out the wrong name in the middle of sex.” I started to laugh but then Jane threw her shot back, got up, stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door. Roger rolled over onto his back on the sofa with a groan.

“Great timing there, asshole,” he said.

“What? Like I knew? What the hell is the big deal?” Jared walked over to the bathroom door and tapped on it softly. “Jane? I'm sorry if I upset you. It's just a game. Don't be embarrassed.” There was no response from the other side and so Jared went to sit back down in the seat Jane had vacated.

“Do I want to know why she's so upset?” I asked Roger.

“That's her story to tell, not mine, “ he replied. He shifted a little bit so that he could throw his legs across Jared's lap. “So are we still drinking or are we going to wait for Lady Jane's tantrum to be over?”

Jared grabbed the bottle of Ouzo that Jane and Roger had been sharing and refilled Roger's cup. “We're still drinking. Who's turn is it?

“Kevin's.” I pointed out. I thought about trying my hand at getting her to open the door back up but I figured she could probably use a few minutes to calm back down. “I'll go. Never have I ever required medical attention after sex.”

That one was aimed at Jared. He spluttered and laughed and took a big drink. He didn't drink often anymore and he was already pretty sloshed at this point but I figured the easy laugh would lighten the mood.

“What the hell, man. I'm pretty adventurous and even I have never been that bad,” Roger snickered.

“Yeah, it's not as interesting as it sounds,” Jared explained. “I fell off the bed.”

“It's still a great Never Have I Ever question.” I pointed out.

I waited for another few rounds and when Jane still hadn't come out I took my bottle and sat down in front of the bathroom door. “Jan-ey,” I slurred at the small gap above the threshold. “Please open the door.” When I got no response I laid flat on the floor, trying to peer through the tiny opening. I thought I could make out the shadow of her feet but that was it. “Please at least make some noise or something, let me know you're okay.”

Three loud, slow, thumps came from inside the bathroom and I could almost hear the irritation in them. I sighed and took another drink and prepared for a long wait.

Jared and Roger had stopped playing and were just drinking and talking instead. Roger was going on about how some people just weren't cut out for relationships, that he should know better by now, that he really should just stick to sex, and Jared kept refilling his glass and agreeing with everything he said. I thought that was probably true for Jared, he always had other priorities, and I had been surprised when he told me about his plans to get married. I hadn't given much thought to my own position on the subject. I sort of thought of getting married like it was some inevitable thing that would probably happen to me but it wasn't anything I was chasing after or even particularly looking forward to. I could take it or leave it. I liked having Jane around, and every time we were together I immediately started pining for something more substantial than my usual flings, but even then I really never thought about what exactly that was. What did I want from Jane, really? And what would she be willing to give me if I asked? Did she want me that way too? I was convinced she was the one for me when we were together in Los Angeles, but I was having a much harder time getting a read on her now.

“Janey, baby, please come to the door,” I called again, letting my knuckles fall lazily against the cheap plywood. When she didn't respond I realized things had gotten strangely quiet. I turned over to look back at the sofa and saw Jared and Roger stretched out against each other, their legs tangled together, no longer talking. I groaned and thumped my head against the carpet. “Could you two at least take it back to your room?” I asked, but they ignored me. Jared just sighed and slipped his hand underneath Roger's shirt.

“Janey, help,” I pleaded, knocking a little more forcefully on the door. “Please come get your best friend off my brother.”

I could hear some shuffling around and I guess curiosity got the better of her because the door finally opened. She looked at me, lying on the floor, heavy lidded and bottle in hand, and then looked over at the sofa where Jared and Roger were making wet little noises while they groped each other.

“I turn my back for fifteen minutes and this is what happens?” she said, barely hiding her amusement. Roger sat up and gave her a sheepish shrug.

“Seriously, guys, I don't care what you do but don't do it in here,” I told them. “I'm not in the mood for a foursome.”

“Gosh, look at the time,” Roger said with a grin. “Jared, I think we'd better clear out so these two have plenty of time for bible study and prayer before bedtime.”

Jared got up and held his hand out to Roger, who took it before standing up. “Yeah, Jane, don't forget to get down on your knees,” he said with a wink. Then the two of them swept out of there, leaving Jane and me completely alone for the first time since Roger had swept into town.

I turned around and looked at Jane again. She was still dressed casually, and her hair had been taken down from her ponytail, her curls allowed to run riot down her shoulders. I was overcome with a powerful feeling of nostalgia, remembering another game of Never Have I Ever, where Jared and Roger slipped off together as I waited on Jane to emerge from the bathroom. I decided it was long past time for a do-over. I stepped in front of Jane.

“New game. Truth or Dare. You choose dare,” I told her. She immediately broke into a smile. “I dare you to kiss me.”

She closed the distance between us, grabbed the back of my head and crashed her mouth into mine. When her tongue split the seam of my lips it tasted like it had been dipped in licorice. I wished we'd had Goldschlager again instead. I preferred cinnamon.

I pulled Jane backward towards the bed, my hands already traveling under her shirt since this time we had no need to worry about privacy. To my surprise, she pushed them away.

“Convince me,” she urged, her lips at my ear, warm breath tickling my skin and filling me with need. “Don't assume I'm yours. Make me want to stay.”

I stopped to look at her. Her cheeks were red and her pupils dilated, and I wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or lust. She was much drunker than that first night. I wasn't even sure what she meant by that. “Make me want to stay.” Was she thinking of leaving me? Was she thinking of staying past this week? I pushed my questions aside and kissed her for all I was worth, diving into her like she was an oasis in a desert. I could feel her breathing get quicker, her little sighs becoming soft moans as her song began again. I dropped to my knees in front of her, planting a tender kiss on her stomach before wrapping my arms around her legs and resting my head.

“Please, Janey,” I said. My head was swimming and I wasn't sure if it was alcohol or lust in my case either. “Please.”

My last plea came out like a sob, and I realized I had been begging before I even knew what the question was. “Please don't leave me again Jane. Please want me as much as I want you.”

Jane immediately dropped to her knees as well, pulling our heads together as she took in trembling breaths. “Why don't you already know that I do?” she asked me. “Besides Roger, you're the only thing in this world right now that I'm not confused about.”

I heard the words but they still didn't penetrate whatever fog was around my heart. I resumed kissing her again, as feverishly as before, my hands at her back cradling her against me as I devoured her. She pulled my shirt over my head, her resistance melting away as unexpectedly as it had shown up.

Not wanting to chance whatever had happened on that motel room floor in the past I lead her back onto the bed, pulling her clothing away and covering every newly exposed inch of skin in wet kisses. She purred and stretched beneath me as her mouth and fingers traveled my skin as it was revealed to her as well. I nibbled my way down her stomach as I headed toward her core, eager to taste her, knowing how much she loved my tongue on her clit, but to my surprise, she pulled me back up to her.

“Not this time, Shannon. I need you inside me now. Please.” Her breathing was ragged and her eyes were damp. I didn't know what was happening but I knew I wanted to give Jane whatever she desired. I moved over her, our mouths meeting for another powerful kiss and she reached between us, guiding my cock until our bodies met, pulling me into her while she shuddered around me.

I stayed firmly pressed against her, my weight on one arm while my hand cradled her face. She didn't scream for God or Krishna or Zeus this time. She only wrapped her legs and arms around me, clutching me against her while she moaned my name like an incantation. For the second time in twenty-four hours, I was lost to her, caught up in whatever magic spell it was that our bodies cast whenever they met. By the time we had finished, and she was tucked against my chest and drifting off to sleep, I felt, for the first time, like maybe we were really on the same page. That everything was finally falling into place.

It only made what happened the next night that much more puzzling

 


	31. Chapter 31

I woke up the next morning to Jane getting out of bed. When she returned just a minute later I assumed she had just gotten up to go to the bathroom. That was until I felt someone else crawling into the bed between us.

“What the hell....” I grumbled, my head ringing from last night's antics. I didn't bother opening my eyes. I knew it had to be Roger.

“Mommy wake up, I want pancakes,” he whined like a six-year-old. I opened one eye in time to see Jane thump him in the face with her pillow. He laughed and set it aside. “Seriously, why aren't you guys up yet? Jared's been up for like two hours.”

“Fuck,” I groaned into the mattress. “What time is it?”

“10:22,” he reported after checking his watch. “When do you guys have to get to the venue?”

I just got out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom. After starting the shower I came back out to see Jane sitting up next to Roger, rubbing her eyes while Roger went on about getting coffee and eggs. “It's a good thing Denny's is right next door to this shithole because they serve breakfast all day for lazy asses like you two.”

“How the hell are you this bouncy this morning?” I asked him. “You had way more to drink than we did.”

“Roger never gets hangovers.” Jane volunteered. “It's his evil superpower.” She turned her attention back to Roger. “Are you okay this morning? Are you feeling better?”

He kissed Jane on the forehead. “Much. Thank you.”

“Are you sure?” she asked again. “Should I have stopped you last night? I should have stopped you shouldn't I? I shouldn't have been drinking too, I should have been looking out for you better....”

“Oh no, don't you dare,” he responded with a laugh. “Even though your life is a mess too, you were the perfect nurse yesterday and last night was exactly what we both needed.” Playfully he started covering her head in little kisses. “Thanks for letting me tag along on your groupie pilgrimage.”

Jane tried to wriggle away from him. “Ugh, get that mouth off of me, I know where it's been.” Roger made a grab for her but she hopped out of bed. “So how are we going to engineer this today?” she asked, changing the subject. “Are you just going to ride along with us on the bus, Roger or are you going to drive your rental?”

I realized he had never said how long he was going to be joining Jane. “Hey, when do you have to fly back to New York anyway?” I asked.

“I'm not sure about driving,” Roger told Jane. “Jared said I could just ride with you guys to the next stop, I'm not flying back until after that. But you guys aren't supposed to check into a hotel again for a while an I'm not sleeping on the bus. I was on that thing this morning. Full offense but that place smells like wet bear ass.”

“Why the hell were you on the bus this morning Roger?” Jane asked him.

“I told you, Jared's been up for hours, do you think I just laid around in the hotel room watching him?” He looked over at Jane who was still standing at the foot of the bed in nothing but my t-shirt. “Why aren't you packing?”

Jane grumbled and grabbed her bag. “Hey look,” she suggested, “if you keep the rental and we drive separately we can get a hotel room in St. Louis.” I was about to complain about her not being on the bus with me when I remembered I was trying to be less self-involved. I also realized something.

“That means one extra night in a hotel for us too then, right Jane?”

She gave me a kiss on the cheek as she headed into the bathroom. “My baby is so smart.”

 

We got showered and packed and checked out, fed our faces and headed over to the venue with Roger following along. Once we had made all the introductions, Jane and Roger took off to explore while we went through our usual pre-show routine. There were some minor issues on my end and by the time I got back to the bus everyone else was already there, including Jane and Roger. Jane had changed into another barely there outfit complete with yet another pair of fuck-me boots and I wondered if she had gone shopping just for this week with me. Surely she hadn't been hauling around that sort of stuff on her book tour. She was sitting next to Jared on the small couch at the front of the bus and they were deep in conversation.

“I know you can do this Jane,” Jared was telling her. “If you let it go you'll regret it for the rest of your life.”

“I just want things to be normal again.”

“I know. And I remember how much you hate confrontation. But you've come a long way, look how you stood up to me when I was giving you shit.”

Jane laughed. “Well, I did promise you, after all.”

Jared gave her a hug. “I'm going to be right here. I'll help you as much I can but I know that most of it falls on you. You can do it. You're stronger than you realize.”

Jane had me to lean on too. But she never came to me. She had tried to hide from me the mess she had gotten herself into, and after everything had come crashing down around her ears it was Jared she was letting pick up the pieces. Roger was her confidant, Jared was her rescuer, and where did that leave me? Maybe I had been wrong about last night. Maybe I was just her good time after all.

Jane spotted me and broke into a smile that didn't do as much to warm my now chilled spirit as I would have liked. She got up and slipped her arms around my waist, her hands coming to rest just above my ass as she pressed herself against me. “I missed you,” she whispered against my ear, raking her teeth over my earlobe. I felt myself instantly stirring at her touch, but suddenly my heart wasn't in it. All the certainty I had gained was gone and once again I was wondering what I really was to Jane. I missed the way we used to be together, how simple everything was. Jane seemed to notice my hesitance and stepped back from me.

“Hey, what's wrong?” she asked, genuine concern on her face. She took my hands. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

Why the fuck was I being this way? Deep down, I knew most of this was in my head. Jane was trying so hard to show me she cared but I just couldn't accept it. It was like I was determined to fuck this up, just like everything else. I needed to get out of my head. I tried to reassure Jane.

“Nothing's wrong, I'm just a little distracted, thinking about the show,” I told her. She slipped her arms back around me and nuzzled my shoulder.

“Should I leave you alone?”

I shook my head and pulled her in for a kiss. “No, don't you dare.”

We settled in on the couch and cuddled and chatted while waiting for it to be time to get ready to go on stage. The guys were trying their best to give Jane a hard time but the nastier the conversation got the more vulgar Jane got too. Everyone was laughing and enjoying themselves but I just wanted to throw a big sack over Jane and cart her off somewhere quiet, where no one else was leering at her, where she could just be my sweet Janey again. Roger noticed I wasn't laughing along and kept giving me serious looks that I think were supposed to be a warning. He knew something was up. He didn't want Jane hurt. I hope he knew I didn't either.

Our set went off without a hitch, the crowd was great, the energy was great, we couldn't have asked for a better show. Jane and Roger both watched from backstage, cheering us on, and the minute I walked off stage Jane threw herself around me again, covering me in kisses and telling me how amazing I was. The way she smiled at me made me feel like it used to, like way she had looked at me in awe the first time I sang for her. But then she was galloping off with Roger while I went to get changed and do the merch table and that little high quickly faded, leaving me wondering what the hell was going on in my head.

Jane, of course, managed to get herself invited to another little backstage party and as soon as I was free she dragged me off for more dancing. Fortunately this time there were no chemical substances involved, just a lot of Jane grinding against me while I built up a heavy level of frustration I was looking forward to working off once we got to the hotel. Roger didn't come with us, and I wondered if he was with Jared. I wondered about that situation a lot, they seemed to be acting like nothing happened today, but I hadn't had a chance to ask Jared about it. Maybe on the bus tonight.

Jane and Roger left about an hour ahead of when we were supposed to, and we made arrangements for them to meet us when we got to St. Louis. Once I had kissed Jane goodbye at the car I started to make my way back to the bus. There were still some crews tearing down equipment and doing their load out and I stopped to watch while I grabbed a smoke.

I stood there for several cigarettes, turning the last four days over and over in my head. I couldn't explain why I was reacting to Jane the way I was. Normally I like my girls wild, slutty and gone in the morning. Jane had been an exception from the start, but now that she was ramping up the wild and slutty part I was even more off balance than I had been before. The more she became more like my usual girls, the more confused about her I got. There was something hypocritical in that, I knew, but it was all a jumble in my head, illogical reasoning and unfounded jealousy kicking up a stew of bad impulses that were going to sink me if I didn't get myself straight. I knew I had to sort it out somehow.

One of the site volunteers noticed me lingering there and came over to check on me. “Hey, everything okay? Is there something I can get for you?” she asked.

I looked at the girl, she was probably about twenty, with dark hair and even darker eyes that were thickly lined. She looked a lot like the girls I would usually pick up, not at all Jane-like. Well at least not at all like Jane had been. “No, I'm good, just clearing my head,” I told her.

She nodded. “Sometimes that's what you've gotta do,” she acknowledged. She motioned to my cigarette. “Could I bum one?”

I gave her a cigarette and a light and she reclined against the scaffolding next to me, watching the crew disassembling the last of the stage equipment. After a few minutes of silence she asked, “So is it helping? To clear your head I mean.”

“No, not really,” I confessed. I was wandering around in there like I was touring the aftermath of a tornado. It wasn't helping. “I think the problem is I'm too much in my head to begin with.”

She nodded again. “I'm Beth, by the way.” She held out one tattooed arm to me and I took her hand and shook it. “You're the drummer for 30 Seconds to Mars right? I forgot your name.”

“Shannon,” I supplied.

“Well, Shannon,” she said, pausing to take a long drag from her cigarette, “If you want a little help getting out of your head for a few minutes I know somewhere we can slip off to.”

I looked over at her. She was dressed simply, in jeans and her volunteer t-shirt, but she was still hot. She was also exactly who I was trying not to be, a bad decision served up to me on a platter. I knew what I should do, I knew I should politely decline, put out my cigarette and go back to the bus. And maybe that was who I was trying to be, but it wasn't who I was. I wasn't there yet.

“Do you have any protection?” I asked her, since Jane and I had stopped using them I wasn't carrying anything. Beth smiled and grabbed my hand.

“Uh-huh. Follow me.”

She led me to a small tent, just off the bus parking area and once inside tied the flap shut. “We'll have to be quiet but that should slow down anyone trying to get in,” she explained. I grabbed the back of her head and turned her into me, my tongue diving into her mouth without any further invitation. She murmured her approval, her hands quickly slipping under my shirt to pull me against her while she hungrily sucked at my tongue. We kissed and groped like that for a few minutes before I spotted a stack of cases on one side of the tent. I pulled her over to it, unfastening her jeans and pulling them down her legs before perching her on the edge of one of the crates.

Beth handed me the condom she had fished out of her pocket before I peeled her jeans away and then shoved her hands down the front of my pants, wrapping her slim fingers around my already hard cock. “Mmm, hell yes,” she murmured in approval. I unwrapped the condom and slid my pants down my hips, moving Beth's hands away long enough to sheath myself. Then I was pushing into her, giving her a few thrusts to adjust before I set a relentless pace, slamming into her so hard the tent was full of wet slapping noises and her quiet little moans. I lifted up her t-shirt so I could get to her tits, kneading them roughly as I pistoned against her. She was gripping the case underneath her tightly, her legs wrapped around my waist. I was lost for the moment, nothing in my head but the swirl of lust and then need to cum, but then Beth slid her hands under my shirt again, dragging her nails lightly up my back and I quickly moved her hands back to the case.

“No marks,” I told her. I couldn't have Jane finding scratches down my back. The thought of Jane, smiling at me as she asked what she could do to make me feel better turned my stomach. But then Beth was moaning and arching against me as her orgasm hit her and in the knot in my gut quickly turned to something else and I was spilling into the sheath surrounding me, my head momentarily going blank while my body spasmed reflexively. There wasn't any real pleasure in it, just release, and I wondered what the hell I had done. I had just wanted Jane out of my head for a few minutes. Instead, I had potentially knocked her out of my life. I had to make sure she didn't find out about this.

Quickly I removed the condom and tucked myself back into my pants. I handed Beth back her own jeans. “Thank you,” I said, giving her another kiss. I didn't know what else to say.

“I hope it helped,” she said with a sly smile. “You know you can have my number if you want, if you come back this way again.”

_Fucking hell. Is this who I am?_ “I have a girlfriend,” I explained. “I shouldn't have done this at all.”

Beth shrugged and pulled her pants back on. “No worries, dude. It was what it was.”

“I”m going to go ahead and go, I don't want anyone to see us leaving together,” I told her. I felt like dirt but she just smiled and waved, apparently having had no illusions about exactly what was happening between us. At least there was that, I guess.

I untied the tent flap and slipped back outside. I had taken maybe a step and a half when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around to find Tomo standing behind me, a disapproving look on his face.

“We've been trying to find you,” he said, frowning at my disheveled appearance. “Tony's pretty pissed. We're ready to go.”

He didn't say anything else, either on the way back to the bus or on the drive to St. Louis. He just kept giving me that same reproachful stare that let me know he knew exactly what the hell I had been up to in that tent. I eventually went back to my bunk to lay down and maybe get my head straight. Why the hell had I fucked that girl? Cheating on Jane wasn't going to make anything better. I had told myself several times over the last few days that if I wanted Jane to choose me I had to be someone worthy of choosing. Not a lying, cheating bastard that finds somewhere new to stick my dick the minute she turns her back.

I fretted until I fell asleep. I woke up when the motion of the bus changed and I realized we were in St. Louis and must be parking for the night. I got up and waited for the bus to stop and Jared climbed out of his bunk too. He saw the questioning look I gave him and just shrugged.

Jane was there the minute I stepped off the bus, throwing her arms around me like she always did, I hugged her back, noticing for the first time the way she held me so tightly against her, the way her muscles relaxed with the contact, the soft sigh as my arms folded around her. She was giving me everything, with every kiss, every hug. She wasn't holding back. The problem was me and probably always had been. I was behaving like a complete piece of shit and I had just made it infinitely worse. I just wanted to get to the hotel and wash all traces of Beth and bad decisions off of me.

I climbed into the backseat next to Jane while Roger and Jared took the front. As we pulled away from the bus and headed to the hotel I vowed to fix this. As long as Jane didn't find out what I had done there was still time to fix this.

 


	32. Chapter 32

**_Jane:_ **

   The drive to St. Louis from Kansas City took about four hours, and it gave Roger and me some time to really talk.  We had tried to get in some much-needed conversation when we had wandered off during the guys’ sound check earlier but I had run into Calvin (not Kevin, as I previously thought) of the ecstasy incident and I had to explain to him that my boyfriend (was he?) had not been cool with it and thanks so much but no, no more for me. Which then made Roger demand an explanation, which then started an argument, and we never really got around to talking anything else out.  I really need to talk things out. There was so much going on in my head, so much had happened the last four days, and I really needed help sorting through the maze that had become my brain.

   “Do you really think this is a good idea?” Roger asked almost as soon as we had pulled away from the festival.  “Getting involved with someone while you’re still trying to sort out the mess with Angus?”

  “It’s not just someone, Roger.” I pointed out. “It’s Shannon.”

   “I know who it is, Jane. And I also know you went straight from losing Jefferson to getting involved with Angus and now that you’re breaking up with Angus you’re already with Shannon and I just think that maybe this is not the healthiest pattern for you.” Roger glanced over when he said Jefferson’s name.  We didn’t talk about him, we avoided invoking his name at all. I knew he wouldn’t bring him up if he didn’t feel like he had to.

  “It’s Shannon, Roger. I waited all these years for it to be him…”

   “You spent years walking around and pining for him, I know, I remember it well. You also swore you were over him.”

    I had made a big show of saying I was done with Shannon when I got engaged to Angus. I was disillusioned with him at that point and I just wanted Roger off my back. He was so against me and Angus getting engaged. I understood now that had had nothing to do with my continued feelings for Shannon. “I lied,” I confessed.

   “I assumed. But would it kill you to slow down a bit here? How about you two try actually dating instead of this obsessive whatever in the hell it is that you keep falling into.” I could tell Roger was struggling to keep his attention on the road and not turn around and give me a full dressing down. It wasn’t like I didn’t deserve it.  My life was a mess and it was mostly my doing.

   “I don’t know,” I responded after a minute. “Whenever he shows up I just lose my mind. I can’t think of anything but being with him. I just want to keep spending time with him, talking to him, getting into his head, holding him, learning everything I can about him.”

  “That’s called obsession and infatuation and it’s not fucking healthy, Jane.  I’m not saying there isn’t real feeling behind all that but isn’t there a way you could explore that without practically moving in with him the minute you two get together? It was like this the last time too, one kiss and you didn’t let go of each other for two days straight…”

  “Because two days was all we had. Of course we wanted to spend it all together.”

   “And your excuse now is?” Roger demanded.

    I sighed. The one thing I was sure of at this point was that I didn’t want to let go of Shannon again, not even for a minute. I had wanted him to come on the drive to St. Louis with us but he needed to get in some sleep. I didn’t care if it was unhealthy, I wasn’t losing any more time with him, not after waiting years for my second chance. “It’s just a honeymoon phase.  We waited so long to be together again.  It’s just for this week.  Then we both go back to our tours.”

   “And then what? Have you thought that far ahead? Are you going to come running right back to him the minute your tour is over?” Roger softened his tone a bit before delivering the next line. “Are you going to live out of a tour bus because you’re too afraid to be alone?”

    That hit me hard. “Hey, that’s not fair.”

  “Isn’t it? The whole serial boyfriend thing with you started after your Dad had the stroke and I started being gone so much.”

    My father had had a stroke four years ago that left him incapacitated. I had always been a bit of a Daddy’s girl and it hit me very hard. Roger was at my side as much as he could possibly be, he was actually closer to my parents than his own, but he had a career that was in full bloom at that point so he often had to leave. It took a year of therapy before my father was even communicating again, a year that I spent with him and my mother as much as I possibly could.  It was also the year Jefferson flew out to New York to spend some time catching up with Roger and me. As much as I hated to admit it, I had been very vulnerable, and Jefferson, complete with his own issues and neediness, had been there when I needed a friend. We sort of ended up clinging to each other like a log in a raging river. I wondered if we would have ever become more than friends if we hadn’t both been such a mess at that exact moment, but I wasn’t going to admit that to Roger. Besides, he probably already thought it too. “That was just a coincidence.”

   “Was it?” Roger took one hand off the wheel and placed it over mine. “Jane we’ve been at each other’s hip since we were ten. We’ve done everything together, made every decision with each other in mind. I know it scares me when I think about not having you in my life. You’re the most important person in my world. It’s okay if it’s hard for you when we’re apart. But there are better ways to handle it.”

    The issue he was bringing up was a real one but I didn’t feel like it had anything to do with why I was so clingy with Shannon. “But it’s Shannon….”

  “Dammit Jane, he’s just a guy. He’s not some mythical god of love and beauty come to rescue you from the Minotaur or whatever kind of nonsense you’ve spun up in your head. Slow down. You’re setting yourself up for a really bad fall.” Roger took his hand back and tightly gripped the steering wheel. I knew he was frustrated with me.  I knew he thought he was just taking care of me.  But I had spent years downplaying what Shannon had meant to me and it was no wonder Roger didn’t understand.

   “But he…” I tried to explain but Roger cut me off.

   “Is not as on board as you think he is,“ he said darkly. "I’ve been watching him. Something is off.”

  “He’s just trying to sort through all this too. We didn’t expect to run into each other again, at least not like this, and it’s a lot to process. Plus, I dumped a lot of baggage on his lap.” I tried hard to justify what was happening but I had seen it too.

  “Jane…”

    There was more, of course.  It wasn’t like I wasn’t aware there were issues between us. Shannon didn’t seem to be able to handle it anytime my behavior deviated from what he remembered. “I don’t think he sees me, Roger,” I confessed. “Not really.  Not like I am.  I think he still expects me to be twenty-one year old Jane, still awkward and inexperienced.”

   “I think he sees you just fine.  I think that’s the problem. You grew up.  I don’t think he has.” Roger’s voice had taken on that flat tone that I knew all to well meant he was trying to hold his temper.

  “He’s changed a lot too, Roger.  And he’s trying to be better. I think he’s starting to see me more for who I am and he’s adjusting…”

    Roger made a sort of growling noise. “I don’t think I like the kind of guy that would have a problem with you actually maturing and becoming stronger and more independent.”

  “Well, that’s a hell of a way to spin it.”

    The flat tone of control Roger had been maintaining evaporated. “Jane, since I have been here he has been selfish and possessive.  You didn’t even notice how much he was pouting today when the guys were paying attention to you. And let’s not forget the temper tantrum he threw when I showed up.”

  “We’ve been apart for seven years.  We just got back together. Besides you were defending him. I thought you liked him.”

   “I thought I did too. Actually, I still do,” he amended. “But I don’t think either one of you is ready for this. You have a lot of shit you need to get sorted, Jane.  I love you, but you’re a mess. And I’m starting to suspect he is too.”

    It wasn’t like I didn’t know that. Shannon and I both had our issues, but I was hoping that we could support each other while we found our way again. “There’s nothing that says we can’t sort our shit together.”

    Roger sighed, his frustration with me starting to further bleed through his patient demeanor. I knew that sigh well. “It’s not going to work like that Jane.  I’m telling you right now.  You know I’m always right about these things.  I tried to tell you about Angus, and about Jake, and Nick and Ryan and…”

    Super. It was apparently time for the ‘past failures’ parade. “Well, I see we’ve moved into the “I told you so” portion of your visit…”

  “Come on Jane. I’m just trying to look out for you.”    

   “I know, I”m terrible at picking men.  But Shannon is different, Roger, I swear. What I have with him is so different…”

   “I know.  And I like him, really I do.  But there’s something going on there Jane.  This is not the right time for you two.  You need to take a step back.”

   I think more than anything in that moment I didn’t want to admit that deep down, I knew Roger was right.  Shannon and I may have had something special, but the way we were going about things was wrong. I just had no idea how to dial it back, I knew what happened every time I got within five feet of him. I tried changing the subject. “So are you and Jared a thing now?”

  Roger laughed.  “Hell no.”

   “Are you going to tell me what happened last night?”

  Roger shrugged.  “He’s hurting, I’m hurting, we were very drunk. What do you think happened?”

    “That’s not what I mean.” I prodded.

   “I don’t know what you want me to tell you, Jane.”

   It was my turn to sigh now.  “Are you going to go right back to trying to fuck your way through the entire adult population? I know Daphne really hurt you, but maybe you could take a breath and examine why that is.  You know, since you’re so into slowing down for self-examination.”

   “I know why that is,” Roger replied quietly.  “Last night is the only thing I”m actually suited for.”

  “Fucking hell, Roger,“ I sighed.  I wondered how long it was going to take his self-esteem to recover from this breakup. "If that were true you wouldn’t care that she dumped you.” Roger was much more tenderhearted than he liked to believe.  As wild as he was I knew that all he really wanted was that one person who truly saw him for who he was and loved him for it. “Just because she wasn’t the one doesn’t mean you have to give up.”

  Roger pasted on an unconvincing smile.  “Hey, it’s okay.  I already found my soulmate. I have you.”

   For about the thousandth time in our lives I wished that whatever the spark it took to make people more than friends had been there between me and Roger.  It would have saved both of us so much suffering over the years.  But as much as we loved each other there had never been anything else between us.  “You know I love you, Roger.  But there’s someone out there for you, someone that can be everything for you I can’t be.  I know it.”

   “I doubt it.  But hey, I’m having fun in the mean time!” he joked.

   “Are you?” I asked.  It was a serious question.  He just blew it off.

  “Sure had fun last night.”

   “So then pursue that,” I suggested.  Roger laughed again.

  “Jared doesn’t live on this side of the fence.  He takes very occasional vacations.  I just happen to be a four-star resort.”

  “He’d be damn lucky to have you.”

  “Sweetie, he’s more emotionally unavailable than I am right now and that’s saying something.” Roger patted my hand again. “We’re both working through some things. We just decided to work through them together for a couple of nights. It’s not more than that, and neither of us is trying to make it more than that either.”

   “A couple of nights?” I questioned.

  “He’s coming back to the hotel tonight too.”

  “Roger….”

  “Hey, I’m not going to stop slutting it up now.  Not when I’ve got that hunk of gorgeous ready to hop into my bed.”

   “So basically we both know we’re broken and we’re going to be doing shit all to change it?”

   “At least for tonight,” Roger said with a grin. I wondered which of us was more frustrated with the other.  Either way, we let it go for the remainder of the drive.

 

   Once we got checked into the hotel we headed back to wait for the guys. The bus was late and we ended up sitting there waiting while some of the other bands parked for the night.  I’d gotten to meet a few of the members of some of the other side-stage bands, they had all been pretty cool, and I was really enjoying my week on tour, cramped, smelly bus notwithstanding.  I wished book tours were more like this, my life was a lot of empty hotel rooms and singled tables at restaurants and interviewers that asked the same questions over and over.  I suppose the guys had to deal with a lot of that too, Shannon had always sent me off when it was time for any of the real work side of things, but it seemed to me like it would all be so much easier with all these other people there.  I had been feeling so alone when Shannon and Jared had shown up at that bookstore.  I wasn’t looking forward to going back to it.

   When the bus finally arrived Shannon got out looking like he had just woken up.  I climbed into his arms as soon as he was down the little metal steps, and he hugged me back, but he seemed sort of out of it. We took the backseat of the car on the way back to the hotel and I tried to snuggle up to him but he said something about needing a shower and kept firmly on his side of the seat. I turned the things over in my head that Roger and I had been discussing. I wondered what I had done now to put Shannon off.  I felt like I was working too hard to be what he wanted.  I hoped he was just tired.

  Jared and Roger were all over each other in the hotel elevator. Shannon held my hand and gave me a soft kiss on the cheek while I watched Jared flatten Roger against the cool metal wall. I tried not to read too much into any of it.

  Shannon practically flew into the shower once we got to our room, not even stopping to invite me in.  I unpacked my toothbrush and toiletries and gave him a few minutes to get his head together or whatever before hopping in myself.  To my surprise he immediately pulled me against him, soft droplets from the showerhead flattening my hair as his lips found mine.  He seemed to warm back up to me, leaving behind whatever goblin had invaded his head on the drive over.  I soaped up and washed away the sweat of the long day, Shannon turning me so he could lather my back.  He peppered my shoulder with little kisses as the suds washed away, his hands tracing the outline of my curves as he came to rest against me, his thick cock nestling in the cleft of my ass. I murmured his name, that familiar fire in my core reigniting with the feel of him against me, and turned into his embrace, but he turned the water off and stepped from the shower.  I was about to ask what the problem was when he scooped up several towels and took my hand, leading me back to the king sized bed.  He spread the towels out so we wouldn’t soak the comforter and then sat me down on them at the edge of the bed.  

   “I hope you know I love you, Janey,” he murmured as he slid one of his strong hands behind my neck and drew me to him for another tender kiss.  I inhaled sharply, my heart swelling in my chest as our lips made contact. We had become oddly stingy with that word since our actual reunion, but after his strange behavior on the ride over tonight, I needed to hear it.  

   “I love you too Shan,” I told him as he reached between us to position himself.  He inched into me with agonizing slowness, a rapt expression on his face as our bodies fused once again.  I knew many of the things Roger had said tonight were right, that maybe we did need to slow down and examine what was happening between us.  But I knew that we were in love, even if it was a broke, sideways, lost kind of love, and I was determined to do whatever it took to protect that.


	33. Chapter 33

 

I woke up first the next morning, my cheek pressed against Shannon's shoulder and the scent of him filling my nostrils.  Morning Shannon smelled differently than rest-of-the-day Shannon did, the coffee scent that normally surrounded him missing, and the odor of his cigarettes faint against his natural background notes, the ones I always thought of as leathery.  I stretched my arm across his chest and let the sleep slowly fall from my limbs, Roger's warnings creeping back into my head like an unwelcome fog. I didn't want to worry about anything today.  I just wanted to enjoy my few remaining days with Shannon.  

 I knew he had to be up soon so I began tracing my fingers across his chest, hoping the gentle stimulation would slowly rouse him.  He murmured a little bit as my fingers twisted their way through the light patch of hair on his chest, and as my hand traveled lower to cross his firm stomach, he shifted so he was more spread out, but he didn't seem to wake up.  I lifted his arm and put it behind me, snuggling into his chest.  He made that grumbly bear noise that was uniquely Shannon and kissed the top of my head but didn't open his eyes.  As I sighed and turned my head to better lay it on his chest I noticed the way the front of his sweats were tented up. I bit my lip and smiled.  I was going to give him a wake up he wouldn't soon be forgetting.  

I shifted against him again, swirling my tongue over the nipple that had only been inches away to begin with, while I continued to let my hand travel further down his body.  I received a purr of approval and redoubled my efforts, my teeth scraping over the quickly hardening nub in my mouth as my hand skirted the waistband of his sweats. He was definitely awake now, his breaths coming more quickly the more of him I explored.  Tucking underneath the elastic I let my hand push on lower, and he groaned as my fingers closed around his thick shaft. I let my mouth continue its journey downward, nipping at the hard planes of his chest while my hand made a few slow passes over its target. Shannon hooked his thumbs into the top of his sweats, sliding them down and out of the way, leaving no doubt he was awake and approved.  

With a happy hum, I changed position on the bed so that I was kneeling between his legs and resumed my oral explorations of his gorgeous body. I wished this had been another off day, I could have spent hours just letting my mouth traverse that firm real estate, but the longer I lingered at the lower reaches of his stomach, the more he began to moan and push his hips into my open fist. I was already craving him intensely too, I could feel my panties sticking damply in place as I shifted position, but I kept my focus on my more immediate goal.  I wanted a taste of him.

I slid his sweats the rest of the way off, tossing them aside. Shannon raised up on his elbows a bit to watch me through still sleep drawn eyes, his lower lip caught against his teeth as the beginnings of a smile played at the corners of his mouth. His head fell back quickly, however, when my tongue made contact with the underside of his shaft. I worked my way slowly up his length, listening to the pleased sighs coming from his throat, sighs that gave way to moans as I took more and more of him into my mouth. I felt him weave his fingers into my hair and I sighed contentedly to myself at the familiarity we seemed to be establishing. He was everything I had waited so long for; I wanted him to be as comfortable and familiar as worn slippers on a rainy morning. I wanted to know everything about him. He was my favorite subject. I wanted an advanced degree in Shannon Leto, and the more studying it took to get it the better.  

I turned my attention back to his cock, toying with its head, enjoying the way my tongue rolled over it and the way he twitched and thickened as my hand synced along his shaft. His vocalizations turned into a long string of “fuck”s as I ran my nails up the inside of one thigh, my hand coming to a stop underneath his balls. I lost myself to my task, both hands working in tandem with my mouth and tongue to pull Shannon over the edge. I knew he had to be close from the way he was arching into me, his grip on my hair getting tighter while I felt the muscles in his legs tighten and his hips mirror my rhythm.  Suddenly he was moving from underneath me, and my mouth was empty without ever getting what I was craving.

“Wait, Shannon, I don't want to stop...” I protested, but he just growled and positioned himself behind me, shoving my chest against the mattress. He didn't stop to undress me or even remove my panties, he just shoved them aside and drove into me, my own heightened arousal leaving him with very little resistance. Now I was the one moaning and chanting “Fuck”, his grip tight on my thighs as he pummeled me. It wasn't like I didn't want him, fuck, he was so good, he felt so amazing inside me, but I had never, not once, not ever been allowed to blow him until he came and just once I wanted that intimate taste of him. “Fuck, Shannon, please...”

“Cum for Janey,” he growled, “I want to fucking feel you come on me,” he continued, his hand connecting with my ass with a hard smack that just made me clench down tighter on him. I was too far gone already to stop, that fiery ache starting to overcome me, and I need to cum as badly as he wanted me to. But maybe, if he didn't follow me too quickly...

I let my fingers find my clit, by now slippery with the ridiculous amount of juices I had been producing.  I rocked back against him as I circled my hard bud, and as quickly as Shannon had flipped me around I was there, shouting and spasming around him as I came apart. As soon as I was able to catch my breath I pulled away, spinning around as fast as I could before he could make any other protests. He was already slick with me and he slid down my throat, deeper than I had ever taken him before, and I moaned at the wicked way it felt, a twisted emulation of the more proper and orthodox channel.  I think it turned Shannon on just as much as it did me, because in a few short thrusts he reached his climax too, shouting as he spilled warmly down my throat.  I made it a point not to waste any of it.

As I laved away the last bits of his release, my tongue snaked across his sensitive head and he shuddered away from me, falling onto his back. The hand still knotted in my hair pulled me over next to him and we lay on the bed, listening to the heavy sounds of our breathing. Eventually, he shifted to twist his fingers through my own, pulling our hands against his chest while it heaved. I rolled over onto my stomach, tucking my head against the damp skin on his side.

“Jesus, Janey, you can wake me up like that every day,” Shannon panted, pulling our hands to his mouth to kiss my fingers.

I sighed. “I wish I could have the chance.  Just a few more days until I have to leave again.”

Shannon frowned but didn't say anything else. I wondered what he was thinking. Did he know much I wanted to stay? I remembered how he had offered once to let me stay with him and write.  If circumstances allowed, would he still want to make me that offer? I doubted it. Life had changed my perspective on a lot of things, and I had already accomplished my educational goals. I wondered, if he did make that offer again, if now I would be ready to take it. Part of me thought I would.  Part of me knew I was once again jumping way too far forward in this relationship when we should have been concentrating on getting to know each other properly. I may have started out hedging my bets where Shannon was concerned, but all that had flown out the window with the discovery of that nasty website.

Wanting to stop myself from starting the day worrying over dealing with Angus, I was the first one to get up, making my wobbly-legged way into the bathroom. Shannon and I traded places in and out as we started the shower and our morning, him eventually joining me under the steamy water after finishing a cigarette. Although for his health's sake I wished he wouldn't smoke, I had never been too put off by the smell of it. My grandfather, probably one of my favorite people to ever walk this earth, had smoked, and it was a smell that made me feel strangely comfortable and nostalgic. There may have been more pleasant odors but this one at least had a familiarity to it. I won't pretend though I wasn't happy to lather him up and wash the ashy scent away.

“Mmm,” I murmured, burying my nose in his still wet hair, “now you smell like strawberries.”

Shannon laughed. “Are you ever going to stop being obsessed with the way I smell?”

“Nope,” I told him. “Every scent is better on you.”

He laughed and slipped his arms around me. “You are really something else Jane.” His expression abruptly changed, then, darkening, and I knew he was getting lost to the little hobgoblins that had plagued his head since long before I ever got to know him. “I don't fucking deserve you.”

“Don't say that. You're so amazing.  I'm the broken, fucked up one here.” I pressed my forehead to his, feeling tears at the back of my eyes for reasons I couldn't entirely articulate. I knew Roger had his misgivings about Shannon now, but I had shown up on his doorstep complete with a dead ex, a lying fiance, a stalker and a jilted best friend, insisting he be the one to straighten his life up for me. All in all, I thought he was handling things pretty well.

Jared was bouncing on the bed when I exited the bathroom and Roger was on the phone. I assumed Shannon had let them in while he was having his cigarette. “Where are we grabbing breakfast?” I asked them as I packed my shampoo and toothbrush back into my go bag.

“Nowhere if you two don't  hurry up,” Roger said irritated.  

“Don't blame Jane,” Jared told him. “Shannon produces lateness like a spider produces silk. It tangles up everyone around him.”

“Really? I'm the producer of lateness?” Shannon said as he emerged from the bathroom and tossed his wet towel onto the bed. “You want to try that again little brother?”

“Who cares whose fault it is, let's just going,” Roger snapped, hanging up the phone. He seemed to be in a foul mood and I looked at Jared accusingly, but he shrugged his shoulders.

We hurried to check out and headed towards today's venue, stopping at a cafe we found on the way to grab coffee and a quick bite. Roger continued to be jumpy, fiddling with his phone but refusing to tell me what the problem was. By the time we got to the festival site I was glad to turn Shannon and Jared loose to do their thing so that I could maybe get an explanation out of Roger.

“What the hell is up with you today?” I demanded as soon as the guys were out of earshot. “Did you and Jared have an argument or something?”

“Hopefully nothing.” was all he would say.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Roger shook his head. “It's nothing to do with Jared, okay?”

I frowned. “Are you still flying back in the morning?”

“Yeah, I have a job on Friday. I can't be all bloated from air travel.”

I grumbled at him. “I hate how much prettier you are than me.” I joked. Roger just continued frowning and took his phone out again.

“Who do you keep calling?”

“It's not important,” he said, not even looking at me. He tucked his phone back into his pocket. “Let's go hang out on the bus for a bit.”

“Okay, now I know something is wrong. There's no way you want to hang out on that bus by ourselves.”

“Look, Jane, it's probably nothing. Don't worry about it.”

“You know the fastest way to get me to worry about something is to say don't worry about it, right?”

Roger grabbed my hand and started walking towards the soundstages. “Fine, let's go watch the sound check, that should be riveting,” he said sarcastically.

I didn't know what to make of any of this. This was so unlike Roger, but he had made it clear that whatever was on his mind it wasn't open to discussion. I decided to stop arguing with him and follow along.

The sound check was actually a lot more interesting than I thought it would be, even though Roger kept annoyingly stepping away to try his phone call again, and they played pieces of new songs that they had been working on.  I remembered Shannon saying that they were going to start working on the next album soon. From what I could tell from the pieces I had heard it was going to be another good one.

We hung around until the guys were finished, and I walked back to the bus hand in hand with Shannon, a big grin on my face. I didn't think I was ever going to get tired of seeing him play, it was like watching him come fully to life, in a way that he only did behind that drum kit.

We had just emerged from between two buses when I heard a vaguely familiar woman's voice say “There they are! I told you!” I heard a very puzzled Jared reply “Nicola?” while I looked around for the source. In an instant, I went from being on top of the world to feeling like I was going to vomit.

Fifty feet away from me stood a tall, skinny blonde girl I somewhat recognized but couldn't place. Next to her stood the last person in all the world that I wanted to see in that place and time. Angus McArdle.

“Fucking hell,” Roger spat. “That loony bitch was right.” I wasn't sure exactly what he meant by that, but I was pretty sure it had to do with his mood today and the dozens of phone calls he had been trying to place.

“How could you do this to me, Jane?” Angus asked. If I hadn't known better I would have taken the heartbroken look on his face as genuine. “Who is this guy? Why would you lie to me like this?”

I stood frozen in my tracks, completely blindsided, trying to will myself to say something to him, anything. My breath seemed to be caught somewhere in my throat and I could feel my skin growing clammy.  I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

“I trusted you,” Angus went on, his voice a convincing mixture of hurt and disappointment. I had to remind myself what a lying, deceitful snake he was. Jesus, he was good.  It was no wonder I fell for his act. “Is this about the drugs again? Because we can get you help...”

“Angus...” All I was able to get out was his name but that was enough to send Shannon straight over the edge.

“This is Angus?” he demanded, fury starting to seep into his eyes.

“Yeah, I'm Angus, who the fuck are you and why do you have your hands on my fiancee?” Angus demanded, his tone changing in an instant. He sounded positively venomous and my veins filled with ice water. I had never heard him sound like that.

“I'm the guy that's been treating her the way she ought to be treated,” Shannon retorted.  I heard someone make a funny noise, I thought it was Tomo, but I couldn't turn my head away from what was happening. I could feel the air growing thick as the guys tensed up, and I knew I should do something to diffuse the situation, but I couldn't get my brain to stop short circuiting. All our plans were gone, I realized, and Angus had the upper hand once again.

“Treating her like she deserves?” Angus said contemptuously. “You mean like a duplicitous whore?”

I knew what was going to happen before I even felt Shannon's hand leave mine. It was as if everything dropped into slow motion, every moment played out in hyper realistic detail, but I was every bit as powerless to stop it as I was at any other speed.  Shannon seemed to go an impossible shade of red all at once and lunged forward, racing at Angus with a fist already balled at his side. Jared took off after him and Roger tried to grab at them both to stop them, but only connected with empty air.

“No, Shannon, your hands!” I shouted as I saw his fist raise up. I rushed forward to stop him, but then suddenly everything looked strange, the perspective was all wrong, my limbs out of control, and I realized I had tripped over something and was now airborne, traveling toward the altercation at an alarming rate of speed. I heard someone shout my name just as I hit the ground with an odd noise and then my vision dissolved into a hundred little jagged points of white light. The last thing I remembered was Shannon's face rushing into view and thinking I was going to vomit for real this time and then everything was just gone.

 

 


	34. Chapter 34

I was lying on a bed in a cool, dimly lit room and a television was flickering softly in the corner. My vision was somewhat fuzzy but I could just make out someone sitting on a chair next to me, their attention on the nearly muted screen. This, combined with the acerbic odor of disinfectant and the soft beeps of monitoring equipment told me I was in a hospital, but I couldn't remember why. I tested my limbs, things seemed to still be in place and responding to my instructions, but my vision hadn't quite resolved and my head was pounding. I couldn't see who was in the room with me so I took my best guess.

“Roger?” I asked, my voice surprisingly weak and hoarse. The figure in the chair moved, and I realized it was too big to be Roger.

“Butch?” came the response. That was my brother Mitch's nickname for me, earned when, at the age of six, I beat up the neighbor boy who had two years and about twenty pounds on me. Why was Mitch here?

“Mitch? What are you doing here?” I asked. He got up from his seat and reached for something behind me.

“Well, fun fact, it's generally two and half hours from Terre Haute to St. Louis, but it's only about 90 minutes when your kid sister is being rushed to the hospital with a head injury.”

“I have a head injury?” was all I could say. Everything was very foggy. I didn't remember getting hurt.

“Grade Three concussion kiddo. Well done.”

Someone else came into the room just then and I realized Mitch must have been reaching back to hit the nurse call button. The woman in scrubs that materialized at my bedside was slightly plump with curly dark hair and a reassuring smile. “Hello sweetie,” she said, squeezing my arm. “Good to have you back with us again. Can you tell me your name?”

“Jane. Jane Sewell.”

The nurse gave me that reassuring smile again. “Good job. And who's this well-built gentleman at your side?”

I considered giving her a smart ass answer but thought maybe this wasn't the best time. “This is my brother Mitchell.”

“Good.” She shone a flashlight into my eyes and nodded. “Do you remember who I am?”

“I... no.” I didn't think I'd seen her before. Was this a trick question? She patted my hand.

“I'm Susan,” she supplied. “Do you know where you are?”

“The hospital, I guess.”

“Do you know why?”

“Mitch says I have a head injury.”

“Yes, but do you remember that?” I shook my head in response and my stomach lurched. “Try not to move your head too much dear. Do you know what the date is?”

I thought for a minute. “September. No.” Not September. I knew it was summer and I was with Shannon on his tour, why did I say September? “July. Seventh maybe?”

“It's the ninth,” Mitch supplied.

“How long was I out?” I asked with alarm.

“Just about 5 minutes initially,” Mitch explained. “But you keep going in and out and you're not remembering things. It's still the same day though.” He was frowning and looking very concerned. Susan turned her reassuring smile on him.

“That's perfectly normal this soon after a concussion of this severity. It's nothing to worry about. The doctor will do some more tests in the morning.”

She fussed with the monitors by my bed for a minute and then excused herself. I could feel panic rising up. Everything was so fuzzy. What if this was permanent? My vision swam even further as my eyes started to fill with tears.

Mitch sat back down in his chair and took my hand. “It's okay kiddo. We're going to get you through this. Please don't cry. It will all look better tomorrow. You'll see."

We sat quietly for a while, while I tried to remember more about what had happened. I think Mitch was waiting to see if I would pass out again. “Can I try asking you a question again, Jane? Roger didn't exactly explain things very well.”

“Where is Roger?” I asked. It seemed strange that Mitch was the only one there with me.

“That's part of the question. The last time I spoke to you, you were going to take a few days off from your nice quiet book tour to rest up since the girls were sick and your visit was canceled. How did we get from there to Roger helping Jared Leto bail your boyfriend the drummer out of jail for beating up your fiance?”

I think I would have had a hard time sorting that sentence out even if I hadn't had a head injury. “Uhm... what? Shannon is in jail?”

Mitch nodded. “And so is Angus, although from what I can gather no one is unhappy about that. I know I'm not.”

Mitch had never liked Angus. I wrote it off as protective older brother syndrome. God, how many warning signs had I ignored? I couldn't remember why Angus was here though or why Shannon would have been in a fight with him and I still didn't know what had happened to me. “I don't know exactly. How many times have we had this discussion, Mitch?”

“About three. And you'll probably forget this conversation too, so I'm going to tell you good riddance to that guy. I always thought he was shifty. And I love you, Butch. Don't you ever scare me like this again.”

 

When I woke up again the room was still dark and the TV was off but there was light coming in from the hallway. I could feel something heavy pressing down on my stomach and my still rebellious eyes could just make out the head of someone who had fallen asleep there.

“Mitch?” I asked, my voice a little stronger than before. I reached for their hair and realized it was too dark to be Mitch or Roger. “Shannon?”

He quickly sat up and turned his head to me. His face looked distorted even after he leaned forward and it took me a minute to realize it wasn't my vision this time. He had a large bruise on one side of his face and his lip was split.

“Janey, hey, you're awake,” he said, a big smile filling his face. “Do you need anything?”

I started to shake my head but remembered Susan's earlier admonishment. “No. Well, maybe some water.”

He poured me a cup from the little bedside pitcher and inserted one of those bendy straws in it, the ones I remembered being so excited to get in my milk in kindergarten. He held the cup for me while I took a drink, and the cool liquid felt good on my parched throat. With a sigh I let my head fall back to the pillow. “What happened?” I asked.

“Well, in true Jane fashion, you managed to trip over your own feet and hit your head on the only rock in giant cleared field.” The voice was Roger's this time, and as he spoke he emerged from the shadows of the room. His face was unblemished but his arm was in a sling.

“Well, that explains me, what the hell happened to you two?”

They exchanged significant looks before Roger finally answered. “When the paramedics got there Angus tried to convince them that you two were actually married and that we were your junkie buddies come to seduce you back into a life of crime and depravity.”

“He had something, Jane, some paperwork...” Shannon interjected but Roger made a hushing motion.

“I called Mitch right away but by the time the cops got on scene and they were getting ready to take you away in the ambulance, well you were really out of it and Angus got you confused and you told them it was true.”

“I did what?” I asked. "I told them what?"

“I figured we needed a distraction. So I decked him,” Shannon said, unable to hide his satisfaction at finally getting a swing in at Angus.

“It pretty much turned into an all-out brawl from there,” Roger continued.

“I had to get eight stitches,” Shannon informed me with a proud grin, showing me a spot on his scalp. I gingerly threaded my fingers through his hair to touch the bandage.

“And I sprained my wrist,” Roger explained, raising his arm. “But the cool thing is, Angus punched a cop.”

“That's cool?” I asked, confused.

“It means he's still sitting in jail right now and we're probably going to be getting off with a warning. Jared already called the lawyers.” Shannon explained.

Well, it wasn't nearly the amount of trouble Angus deserved but at least I didn't have the worry of dealing with him hanging over my head anymore. “Wait, what paperwork? You said he showed them paperwork?”

“I don't know exactly, Jane,” Roger told me while shooting Shannon another look. I figured that was pretty much bullshit but I didn't have the energy right now to argue. “I remember,” I said.

Roger looked hopeful. “You remember what happened?”

“No. But I remember waking up before when you guys weren't here yet. That's the first time I've remembered something since they brought me in here I think. So that's an improvement right?”

“Sure it is,” Roger said, leaning over to kiss my forehead. “What's the last thing you remember before that?”

I reached back through the fog. “Soundcheck. You and I were watching the guys do their soundcheck and you kept checking your phone.”

Roger nodded. “Noemi called me that morning. She said Angus was acting funny and she thought he might have figured out something was up. She was supposed to call me back when she knew more. Of course, I never dreamed he'd show up in St. Louis...”

“Oh, Shit!” I exclaimed and was immediately sorry as the throbbing in my head exploded into a red haze. I gritted my teeth before continuing. “What about the show?”

Shannon sighed. “We didn't play. We were too busy trying to convince the police that we weren't some mastermind criminals out to do you harm.”

I winced. “I'm so sorry Shannon. I hope you guys aren't in too much trouble.”

“No, it's going to be okay. But I do have to be in Milwaukee for the next show day after tomorrow.” He looked at the clock. “Or tomorrow I guess.”

“And your shoot Roger?” I asked, knowing full well that Roger would never leave me like this.

“Forget about it. It's just one job. I need a little time off anyway.”

“Well, I guess we can drive to Milwaukee once they cut me loose tomorrow. We should have plenty of time to get there before they need him. Or maybe we could catch a flight in the morning?” I wanted to catch up with the band as soon as possible and put this sorry state of affairs behind me.

“No, no, no, Miss-50-First-Dates. You're not going anywhere for a couple of days and then it's straight to Mitch's until you're cleared to fly.”

I started crying, even though I couldn't quite articulate why. “My tour?” I asked between sniffles.

“Last two weeks are canceled.”

I considered the mess I had made: Mitch's mad dash across state lines, Angus in jail for assaulting a police officer, Shannon on bail, the guy's injuries, the missed performance, Roger's canceled gig and two weeks worth of canceled appearances for me. “Am I in trouble?”

“No, no one is in trouble. Accidents happen, promoters have insurance to cover these things, everything is going to be just fine. Stop worrying and just get better.” Roger fiddled with his phone for a minute, contemplating something, before continuing. “Mitch fell asleep in the lounge. I'm going to update him. Be right back.”

Once Roger was gone I scooted as far over in the bed as I could. “Lay down with me for a few minutes?” I asked Shannon. Carefully he climbed into the small space next to me, tangling me up in his arms and legs and with great care, pulling my head against his warm chest. “I'm sorry for getting you mixed up in all this,” I told him. I was beginning to feel like I had blown into his life like an F5 tornado, leaving chaos and destruction in my wake. “I've really managed to turn your life upside down. Maybe Jared was right about me after all.”

“No he wasn't and he doesn't think so either. Don't worry about all this. It will be fine. At least you're back in my life. I'll take whatever happens from there.” He pushed an errant curl back from my forehead. “Go back to sleep. They said you're going to be tired for a while and the doctor will be here early.”

I wanted to argue but I could already feel my limbs growing heavier and my breath deepening. At least my nostrils were now filled with Shannon's familiar notes instead of the hospital.

 

“Good morning, Jane, I'm Dr. Britton. How are you today?” Once again someone was shining one of those annoying lights in my eyes and I was finding my patience was nil this morning.

“Tired.” I snapped. “Ready to get out of here.”

“Well let's see what we can do to make that happen.” The tall woman in front of me seemed completely unconcerned with my foul mood, her smile never wavered. “Can you tell me where you are?”

“Some hospital in St. Louis.”

“Barnes-Jewish Hospital, as a matter of fact. Can you tell me the date?”

I sighed. It wasn't even breakfast time yet and this was already the second questioning I had endured since waking. “September 9th. Well, I guess it would be the tenth now.”

“And the year?”

“2003.”

“Good girl.” Great. I felt like a Pomeranian. She paused to check my reflexes before moving on and then seemingly satisfied, gestured to the guys who gathered expectantly around my bed. “And you know all these people and their relation to you?”

“Yes, that's my big brother Mitch. That's my best friend Roger, and my boyfriend, Shannon.”

“Very good. Okay, I'm going to give you a list of things and I want you to repeat it back to me. Tomato, Star, Girl, Red, Box.”

“Tomato. Star. Er...” I hesitated for a moment. “Girl. Red. Uh... box.”

“Good.” She made a few notes on my chart. “How's the headache today? Any better?”

“Not really, no.”

“Dizziness? Nausea?”

“Only every time I move my head,” I answered, not bothering to hide my irritation.

“Can you repeat that list again?”

“Uhm. Red...” No matter how hard I tried I couldn't conjure the rest of the items from my memory. “No, sorry.”

Dr. Britton patted my leg reassuringly. “It's okay. You're improving. Do you remember meeting me when they brought you in yesterday?”

“No.” I'd have testified in court that I had never seen this woman before, that was how sure I was. I was apparently completely mistaken.

“That's not unusual. You may never get the memory back of the moments immediately surrounding your accident. I don't want you to worry about that. You seem to be bouncing back very well today. We'll run some more tests this afternoon. You should expect to feel tired for a while, repairing a brain is hard work, but the dizziness and nausea should pass. We'll keep an eye out for any other symptoms. I'm going to have a word with your brother now, okay?” She stepped into the hallway with Mitch, closing the door behind them. I looked to Roger and Shannon, who were still in their clothes from yesterday, looking exhausted. I felt so bad. I hated being the source of all this drama.

Shannon sat down on the edge of the bed and took my hand in his. “They're not going to let me out of here. I'm not going to be able to go to Milwaukee with you.” I complained.

Shannon's voice was stern when he responded. “You have no business living out of a tour bus right now anyway, Jane. You gave us the scare of our lives yesterday. You can't think you're just going to hop back up today and go on like nothing happened.”

“I don't want you to go. I know you can't stay but I'm not ready to lose you yet.” I could feel an ache growing in my chest that had nothing to do with any injuries.

“You're not losing me. I'm going to be on tour until the end of August and as soon as you're able to you can come catch up with me. And I've got a couple of days off next week, I can come see you. It'll be okay Janey, I promise.” He gripped my hand tightly and I could see that he wasn't any happier about leaving me behind than I was having him go, no matter how brave a face he was putting on it.

“It doesn't feel like it.” I burst into tears, which just made my head hurt that much more. “I'm sorry.”

Shannon leaned in as far as he could before pulling my head against his chest. “Don't worry about it. Doc said you might have some trouble regulating your emotions. I just need you to take care of yourself and get better okay?”

“Okay.” I sniffled.

 

I got poked, prodded and questioned so much the rest of the day I was ready to slap anyone that came near me with one of those little flashlights or a cart. They ended up deciding to release me to Mitch's care with instructions to follow up locally with a doctor in Terre Haute. I was not to get on a plane to fly back to New York until that doctor cleared me. Roger had had the presence of mind to get my luggage off the tour bus before they left town, and Mitch loaded it and me into his minivan for the drive back to his place. Roger and Shannon headed for Milwaukee. When I watched them drive off I sobbed like a little girl who'd lost her teddy. It seemed once again Shannon and I were parting in tears.

 


	35. Chapter 35

**Roger:**

 

Shannon was silent as we drove away, slouching in the passenger seat with his bruised face resting against the window. I felt bad for the grief I had given Jane about their relationship, the last day and a half had shown that he obviously cared deeply about her, but I still knew there was something not quite right. The way I saw it I had five hours to get to the bottom of it.

“I can drive some if you want,” Shannon said. “I know you've got to be tired too, and you've got your sprained wrist and all. Besides, after a while it gets a little weird being driven everywhere.”

“Maybe after we stop for dinner,” I conceded. “This really isn't bothering my wrist and I don't get to drive much either. I don't mind.”

Shannon laughed. “Yeah, I guess not. You travel as much as I do and you New Yorkers don't have the same love for driving yourselves as we do in L.A..”

“How's that going? The traveling, I mean. Are you adjusting to life on the road okay?”

“Yeah, I actually like it a lot. I've always liked new places, new people. And I get to make music all the time. Yeah. I like it.”

I wished I could put my finger on what was bothering me so much. It would have helped me figure out what questions to ask. “Jane likes it too. The traveling I mean. She's always been really curious about other people.”

“Yeah but she doesn't like the book tours very much,” Shannon supplied. This was new information for me.

“What do you mean? What did she say?”

“She didn't really say anything. But she sounded so sad when I would talk to her, and she's always talking about how she never has anyone with her, and how awesome it must be for me and Jared to be traveling together. I just think she was really lonely. She seems to be enjoying touring with us a lot more. I think she was just craving being around people.”

Jane hadn't had any problem being solitary when we were younger. These days it really seemed hard on her being alone. I had noticed it after we lost Jefferson but I'm not sure that's where it started or what the exact reason for it was. But something in her had changed. I had worried when she had told me about the tour, that she would mostly be alone without anyone from the publishers or an agent or anything, but every time I had spoken to her she had made it sound like she was having a blast. I admit I wasn't happy at all that she had hidden something from me she had shown Shannon. “It didn't use to be that way with writers. They used to send people out on the road with them. But sales aren't what they used to be, and they rarely even send new writers out at all anymore. But Jane is pretty and personable, and I think they figured she was a good investment.”

“Well, I'm glad they canceled the rest of her tour. I don't think it was good for her. She looked so sad and tired when I first met up with her.”

I turned that over in my head too. She'd only been with Shannon for a few days when I crashed their party but Jane hadn't seemed sad or tired at all. Not that I could see. Had Shannon really had that much of an impact on her? I knew she was crazy about him, had been from the moment she met him, even if she had been too confused to see it. The two of them had an incredible chemistry, they just got each other in a way that other people didn't seem to. “She's been through a lot lately, it was probably more than the tour.” This reminded me of my earlier misgivings, how Shannon didn't seem to be dealing with Jane as she was now, just a memory of her. “She's not the person she used to be, you know,” I pointed out.

“I know that,” he said. I looked over at him, trying to communicate my lack of conviction in his assertion. “I do. I mean, of course, she's changed. So have I. A lot happened to us while we were apart. I don't care though. She's still my Janey.”

“No, she's not,” I grumbled in frustration. “She's not yours. And if you don't wake the hell up she's never going to be.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Shannon looked confused and angry. I think he was just surprised that I saw through him, saw that something was going on under the surface.

“You walk around in a daze with her. Like you can't figure her out. And you're constantly asking her to prove that she wants you.” I suddenly understood what my instinct had been telling me. “Your insecurities say more about you than they do about her. I think you can't figure the new Jane out, and you can't decide if she fits in your life now or if you even want her to. But Shannon, I'm telling you, I know her, I know every vein in her heart and wrinkle in her brain. That girl loves you with her whole being. If you don't feel the same then you need to step out of the picture now, before you break her. She can't handle another loss right now, she's held together with string and hope.”

Shannon gritted his jaw. “I do love her. And I do want her. And I really fucking resent you saying I don't.”

He was lying. I may not have been able to prove it but I was good at people. I was never wrong about this kind of thing. He was sitting on a lie but he wasn't going to come clean for me. “Fine. Prove me wrong.” I said. He just shook his head before once again pressing it to the window glass.

He didn't say another word to me, just drifted off to sleep. So much for five hours to get to the bottom of things. I guess I was already there. We were supposed to stop and grab something to eat and he probably expected to take over driving. But I wasn't hungry anymore, I was exhausted, and I was done with talking to someone who clearly had no interest in telling me the truth. So I let him sleep through the rest of the drive, only waking him when we got near the Milwaukee city limits so I could ask where to go. Of course, he didn't know or couldn't remember and ended up calling Jared for the name and address of the hotel.

Jared was waiting for us in the lobby. I had planned on turning around and driving straight back to Terre Haute. I wanted to be with Jane, I knew she needed looking after. But I was barely holding my eyes open, my wrist was screaming now and I knew that Jane had Mitch looking out for her. Jane had always felt very distant from him because of their age gap but I knew Mitch adored the hell out of his baby sister and he would protect her as ferociously as I would.

After watching Shannon and Jared chatting and getting Shannon checked in I stepped up to the desk and pulled out my wallet, deciding to get a room for the night. Jared touched me gently on the shoulder. “Hey, if you're staying...” he offered.

“I'm sorry, Jared, I don't have the energy...” I trailed off. I really just wanted a shower and good night's sleep. It had been days since I'd had either one. Now that I was so close to both things the exhaustion in my bones was calling out to me, and my limbs felt heavy and my chest hollow. “I'm so tired. I just want a shower and some rest.”

“That's fine.” His voice was soft, and the subdued smile he gave me told me he understood where I was coming from. It was probably more tender than anything that had transpired between us so far. “I have a shower, I have a bed. I even have a spare pair of pajamas and toiletries you can use so you don't have to go grab your bags. Just come upstairs with me.”

I nodded and Jared stepped back up to the desk to ask for a spare room key for me. Shannon had gone on ahead but once they had added me to the computer and issued my little electronic card we headed upstairs. I was too tired to speak, everything was catching up with me in ways that I was having trouble even getting my head around let alone articulating to Jared. He didn't push me into a conversation, just walked along with me in silence, gesturing to the bathroom once we were in the room. When I finally I emerged from under the steamy water and rejoined him he had set out a t-shirt and a pair of loose pajama bottoms for me. Some knocked at the door while I was slipping them on. Jared answered it and in seconds the room was filled with the scent of hot food, making my stomach grumble.

“Shannon said you guys drove straight through so I thought you might be hungry,” he said as the attendant wheeled the cart in and set up the room service Jared had ordered. He gave the guy a tip and then gestured to the movable feast. “Grab whatever you want.”

“Thank you. You didn't have to do this,” I said gratefully, taking a bowl of pasta just the same. It smelled delicious, like garlic and lemon and I could see artichokes among the noodles. I loved artichokes. I only hoped I could stay awake long enough to finish it. I decided to skip the bread and salad, not knowing if I would have the energy to even finish the pasta, and Jared grabbed the remaining bowl and some bread, and we sat down on the bed to eat and watch a movie. I was yawning through the last few forkfuls and once I had finished I climbed under the blankets and was asleep in what felt like seconds.

When I awoke I had a face full of Jared's blonde streaked hair, and his legs were wrapped around mine. The room was still dark but it looked like he had taken care of cleaning up from dinner. I didn't remember any of that. I carefully moved his hair off of me but he didn't stir, just slumbered on against my shoulder, that ridiculously pretty face of his even more beatific while he was sleeping. We had only ever meant to be cold comfort to each other, a little mindless self-indulgence, a distraction that kept us from examining our own failings too closely. But maybe Jane wasn't the only lonely one. It had only taken me the barest push, a slide of my hand across the top of Jared's, before he was pulling me on top of him, winding those long fingers of his into my hair while he sucked my tongue into his mouth and sighed softly underneath me. Myself, I'd never had many people who truly cared about me, but it reminded me it was entirely possible to be surrounded by people who cared about you and still be utterly alone.

Carefully I pulled myself out from under the tangle of his limbs, stopping to peek through the blackout curtains and note that the sun was just beginning to crest the horizon, before heading into the bathroom. When I returned to the bed, Jared stirred, once again wrapping himself around me as soon as I was under the blankets.

“Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you.” I told him, snuggling into the heavy warmth of him.

“S'okay,” he said sleepily, nuzzling my neck and pulling me closer. When I started to drift back off to sleep Jared's hand began tracing the outline of my hip, making several slow passes before snaking under the hem of my t-shirt. He flattened his palm at my back, pulling me closer as his lips brushed mine, asking for permission to continue. I wasn't exhausted anymore. I didn't really have a reason to say no. I grabbed his face and deepened the kiss.

Jared wasted no time before rolling me over onto my back, straddling me and pinning my wrists against the mattress with one hand while the other pulled my t-shirt up. I groaned into his eager mouth, already feeling myself growing hard against him. It wasn't surprising my body was already responding to him, he was amazing, but the lingering tiredness was keeping me too much in my head. Even as he tugged off my shirt and he found my nipples, rolling one between his teeth while he pinched and pulled at its mate, the resulting passion never fully seated itself in my brain. With a groan I lifted my hips, hoping the friction would push me over desire's edge, but it wasn't until Jared yanked my pajamas down and wrapped his hand around my cock that I managed to stop overthinking every touch. He worked his hand expertly, that familiar heat filling me up until he rose from the bed, shucking off his own shirt and ducking into the bathroom to return a minute later with a towel and small tube of lube.

“Raise up,” he instructed, tapping my hips and sliding the towel underneath me when I obliged. He positioned himself between my legs, setting the remaining contents of his hands aside before grasping me again. He worked quickly, his hunger telling in the speed at which he breached and stretched me, his mouth greedy as left me slick and wanting. I grasped the sheets underneath me, hips moving in time with the rhythmic strokes of his tongue and fingers. When he finally pulled away I was panting, aching for what I knew was coming next.

I watched him roll a condom into place and apply another coating of lube, his eyes locking with mine as he fisted his thick erection. In spite of his obvious appetite, he took his time in filling me, carefully controlling his descent while I moaned and hissed and waited for my body to once again accept his. He proceeded with reckless abandon then, those divine hips driving into me while I grasped and stroked my own cock, still slick with his saliva. It was sex, pure and simple, a need fulfilled for a few moments, hardly anything new to me. But it felt all wrong. I'd say my heart wasn't in it but rarely ever was. It was more than that. And when Jared finally shuddered and clutched at my thighs as he emptied himself and I spilled across my stomach, the relief I felt wasn't the usual release of sexual frustration. In spite of Jared's incredible body and considerable skill, I was glad for the encounter to be over.

He took the bathroom first and I followed in quickly after, locking the door behind me and starting the shower. As I felt the cleansing steamy water for a second time that night I tried to sort out my sudden bolting for the privacy of the small room and my lack of post-coital bliss. Jared was handsome, and smart and funny and even kind when he chose to be. I had felt like we were cut from the same cloth in the nights we had spent together previously, just a good time in a long series of good times, uncomplicated. _Cold Comfort. Mindless self-indulgence. Distraction._ We had both lived our lives that way, brief forays into actual relationships that never worked out, strings of beautiful lovers that were immediately satisfying but ultimately blended into each other. I never even bothered with their names half the time.

_It is possible to be surrounded by people that care about you and still be utterly alone_. I didn't want a relationship with Jared. There were a hundred reasons why not. He was still reeling from a breakup, he was emotionally unavailable, his sexuality was murky and unlikely to be satisfied by the likes of me, and if it were, he would never publicly acknowledge it. He was compulsively private as it was, and I was never ever going to be anyone's dirty little secret. It wasn't that I wanted Jared. It was that he, and Jane and Shannon to a lesser degree, was holding up a mirror. Jared may have been lonely, and so was Jane, and hell even Shannon for all I could tell, but I was the loneliest of the lot of us. And it was my own doing. It was easier to party than to care, easier to not let myself want anything than let myself be hurt when I didn't get it.

I sat down on the closed toilet lid and let myself cry. Hello, rock bottom. My name is Roger. I think we've had this meeting scheduled for a while.

I stayed in the bathroom for a long time. I was surprised when Jared didn't make any effort to check on me but when I finally got the courage to head back out I found he had fallen asleep again, face down on the rumpled bed, that perfect ass bare and waiting. I threw a blanket over him and climbed into bed next to him, letting myself drift off to sleep one more time before the long drive back to Indiana. I thought about making a detour to Jane's folk's house, they were more like my parents than the ones who had given birth to me, and they would probably appreciate an in-person update and reassurance that Jane was going to be fine. I was calculating the adjusted length of the trip when sleep finally claimed me.

 

It was a commotion that woke me the next morning, Shannon bursting into the room and waving his cell phone around, shouting about Jane and court orders. Jared unselfconsciously got out of bed and pulled on some underwear, taking the phone from Shannon while I blinked and tried to figure out was going on. Then my own phone started to ring, and when I saw Mitch's name on the screen I knew whatever had happened, shit had hit the fan.

 

 


	36. Chapter 36

**Roger**

 

Jared took Shannon's phone from him gesturing for him to quiet down. He pressed it to his ear and listened for a minute. “Wait, slow down, you're talking too fast,” he said. Shannon was pacing and I couldn't tell if he was angry or frightened. I clicked to answer my on phone.

“Hey, Mitch,” I said.

“Hey Rog, you still in Milwaukee?” Mitch asked before I could say anything else.

“Yeah, I'm still here. I was tired so I thought it was safer to just spend the night.” I looked at Jared who was now speaking in soft, soothing tones.

“You wouldn't happen to be anywhere near Shannon would you?”

“Uhm...” this was all taking on a very odd tone. “Yeah, actually he's standing right next to me.”

“Thank god. Is he freaking out?”

I looked over at Shannon who was still pacing with that spun up look on his face. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

“Tell him everything is going to be fine and ask him to ask Jane to unlock the door.”

“I... what?” What the fuck was happening. “He actually handed the phone to Jared. What the hell is going on Mitch?”

“I'll explain but please someone tell Janey to open the fucking door.” Mitch sounded stressed and exhausted and I figured I could get the story out of him in a minute.

I touched Jared on the shoulder. He put his hand over the phone and turned around to face me and I explained Mitch's request. He relayed it to Jane but then just shook his head at me while he continued to listen to her. “Uhm, I'm going to say that's a no, Mitch.”

“Fucking hell," he spat. Well, I had just heard Mitch swear more in the last two minutes than I had heard him swear ever in our lives. Which was never. I demanded again to know what was going on. “It's not a big deal but Jane is freaking out. There was a deputy here this morning to serve a subpoena. Angus is trying some legal bullshit. Again, it's not actually a big deal so don't freak out.”

A subpoena wasn't a big deal? “Ya know, Mitch, I think I'm going to side with Jane on this one,” I replied.

Mitch groaned down the line. “I know it sounds bad. He's filed papers asking for a court-appointed guardian to be assigned to Jane. He's trying to argue that she's depressed and an addict and a danger to herself and we're not looking out for her best interests. There's an emergency hearing this afternoon.”

“What the fuck? Mitch, that sounds pretty fucking serious to me.”

“I know it sounds that way. Please listen. I've already talked to a lawyer. This is just Angus trying to seize one last opportunity to get Jane before she gets away. Probably get his hands on her money in case his family cuts him off. But it's all bullshit on his part, smoke and mirrors, and the doctors from St. Louis have already called the doctor she's supposed to be consulting here, he's going to do a quick assessment and testify if need be. All Angus has is some paperwork that I don't even think is real, some Australian doctor that states Jane was being treated for an unspecified mood disorder and sobriety issues about two years ago. He's trying to spin it that this head injury...”

“He has what?” I asked, my stomach souring. Fucking hell we had been so stupid. “What doctor?”

“Uhm, I don't remember? Someone he says Jane saw a couple years ago. Why? What do you know? What's wrong with my sister?”

My heart was racing. I remember how messed up Jane and I had been after Jefferson, and the way Angus had insisted we get cleaned up, get help. He had even found us a therapist. The fucking snake probably had something up his sleeve even back then. “Nothing, there's not a damn thing wrong with Jane, I don't care what that paperwork says. You've got a lawyer, right?”

“Yeah, Paul Turnbull, he takes care of stuff for the practice.” Mitch had a pretty successful orthodontics clinic. I was sure this guy was good for what he did for Mitch but probably not the best for defending Jane.

“Get another one. A good one. I'll pay if it's an issue.”

“Okay, but it's going to be fine Roger. She's in her right mind, she's competent, there's no reason to appoint her a guardian. But I do have to get her to that doctor so he can do her assessment before the emergency hearing, and I can't do that if she won't open the door.” Mitch's voice was full of frustration but he seemed to have the situation well in hand. He'd already spoken to doctors and lawyers and was familiar with the brief. I understood Jane's panic, I was terrified myself, but I knew Mitch would look out for her. The rest of what he was saying finally caught up to me. “What door?”

Mitch sighed again and I think there was a sort of relief in it when he realized he was finally getting through to someone. “She's locked herself in Lorelei's room.”

“Why don't you just...”

“The hinges are on the other side,” Mitch said, anticipating my solution. “Someone please just get her to open the door and go to the doctor with us.”

I looked at Jared who was still speaking into Shannon's phone in those gentle, reassuring tones. “Trade me,” I said, holding the phone out to him. He nodded and took my phone before walking out of the room with Shannon, presumably to calm him down.

“Janey?” I asked as soon the phone was against my ear. I could hear ragged sobs on the other end of the line. “Janey, sweetie, it's Roger. I know you're really scared right now but we're all working to make sure you're okay. You have to unlock the door for Mitch though.” Jane continued crying but didn't respond. “Please, Jane? For me?” When she still didn't respond I tried something else. “Jane, can you at least tell me why you won't unlock the door?”

“I don't want them to take me away Roger,” she said. There was such an air of hopelessness in her voice my heart immediately broke and I cursed myself for not rushing back to be with her.

“Jane no one is going to take you away, I promise. We aren't going to let Angus get anywhere near you. But in order to make that happen, you have got to let Mitch in and you have got to let him take you to the doctor so they can tell the judge that you are all right. I know you're scared but you have to do this, Jane. I know you can do it.”

Jane kept crying and I began worry deeply about how she was going to get through this evaluation. It was still so soon after her injury and despite Mitch's confidence Jane very obviously wasn't herself yet. Maybe trying to prove her competence wasn't the best tactic. “Okay, Janey, I'm going to give you three minutes. Go ahead and cry and freak out and throw whatever kind of temper tantrum you want. I'm going to stay right here and listen and you can imagine me hugging you if you need to. But when those three minutes are up you are going to get up and you're going to unlock the door and you're going to do whatever Mitch says you need to do so that we can keep Angus far far away from you, is that understood?”

Jane sniffled and starting sobbing again, but I sat there quietly and let her have her meltdown, carefully counting the time. Jared and Shannon walked back in around the two-minute mark, and I held one finger up to them to tell them to be quiet. I didn't need Jane hearing Shannon's voice and going all hysterical again. “Okay bestie, that's it. That's three minutes,” I told her when the time expired. “You've had your meltdown and now it's time to be a grown up and unlock that door and deal with your problems.”

“Okay,” she answered meekly. I heard some shuffling around and loud noises and realized Jane had pushed something heavy in front of the door. She really was terrified. As soon as I heard Mitch rush into the room I asked for my phone back from Jared.

“Mitch?” I said, hoping he was still on the line.

“Thank you, Roger. I don't know what you said to her but thank you.”

“Yeah, about that. She is freaked out, Mitch. I don't know if we can rely on her state of mind alone to get out of this. Make sure you're armed to the teeth when you go into that courtroom. Make sure you can show you're respectable citizens and responsible guardians who are going to have her best interests at heart.”

Mitch didn't respond for a moment. I could hear him trying to calm Jane down. “Yeah, I think you might be on to something. I'll take care of her, I promise Roger.”

“I know you will. But I need you do one more thing. Once it's done, once the motion is denied or whatever, I want you to get a restraining order. I don't want that guy with a mile of Jane ever again.”

“You've got it.”

“Jane already has a lawyer that is dealing with the Angus situation, get his number from her and call him. He may have something that can help. I won't make it back before the hearing but I'm leaving as soon as I can. Call me the minute you're out of court. No matter what happens.”

“I'll do that. I've got this, I promise you both.”

“Thanks, Mitch.”

I hung up the phone and looked at Jared and Shannon. “Did Mitch explain what's going on?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Jared said. “He seemed to think it was no big deal but...”

“But Jane is not herself right now and Angus is a master manipulator. I know. He's going to do the best he can for her but I need to get back there.”

“I'm coming with you,” Shannon said.

“No, you're not. She needs to focus on getting through this hearing and then she needs to focus on resting and healing.”

“I know that I want to take care of her.”

“But that's not what's going to happen. You'll get down there and she'll just worry about disrupting your tour and leaving you shut up in a boring house with a bunch of rowdy kids while she takes care of whatever the doctors decide they want her to do. She'll want to take care of you instead. You'll split her focus. You have responsibilities here. You can support her over the phone.”

“I won't let her. I'll make sure she's taking care of herself, I promise.”

Jared put his hand on Shannon's shoulder. “We need you here, Shan. Jane is going to be really well taken care of. The sooner she gets better the sooner you two can be together again.”

Shannon gritted his teeth and his eyes were swimming. “This is bullshit. Why does everyone think I'm bad for her?”

“No one is saying that, Shannon,” I told him. I may have been thinking it a lot the last few days but I hadn't said it. “I'm sure she needs you and I know you want to help. The best way you can help is to stay right where you are for now. Please.”

“Fine. But someone call me and updated me as soon as this court this is over.” It wasn't fine, he was still obviously upset but he turned around and left the room. I went looking for the clothes I had taken off last night.

“Let me call and get some breakfast for us before you try and make that drive,” Jared suggested, reaching for the little room service menu.

“No, thanks, I really just want to get on the road,” I told him. In all honesty, I wanted to get away from Jared too, before I said or did something he didn't deserve. He had been great to me, and no matter what my misgivings were they had nothing to do with the way he had treated me.

I found my clothes still balled up underneath the bathroom counter and one sniff told me I wasn't going to be able to stomach putting them back on.

“Just take the stuff you have on. I can get it back from you the next time I see you,” Jared told me, noticing the face I made.

“Thanks, but I don't know when I'll see you again. My schedule is going to be pretty crazy once it recovers from all this.” I really hadn't planned on seeing Jared again at all, and I didn't necessarily want to take his things and then somehow be obligated to see him to return them in the future.

“Then keep them. It's a t-shirt and a cheap pair of sweatpants. I won't really miss them.” He smiled and crossed the room so that he was standing directly in front of me. “And hey,” he said, eyes focusing in on my mouth as his voice slid into a lower register, “you can always wear them again and think of me.”

Jared slipped a finger under my chin, tilting my head as if to kiss me and I pulled away from him, far too quickly. The confusion and hurt that immediately colored his face brought a wave of guilt with it. I wasn't used to doing this, pulling back, the awkward exit. I wasn't any good at it “I'm sorry,” I immediately apologized.

“What's going on here?” Jared asked but I was sure he already knew.

“I just need to get on the road,” I deflected, looking around for my wallet and keys. I had been so out of it the night before I couldn't remember where I left them.

“Come on, seriously? All of a sudden you can't look me in the eye and you're just “running late'? I thought we had an understanding.”

I spotted my misplaced belongings next to the television. “We did,” I replied, scooping up my keys and tucking my wallet underneath the bundle of clothing in my arms.

“Then tell me what the hell is wrong,” Jared asked, stepping in front of me.

“Jared I really need to go,” I said, circling around him and pulling the door open.

“A minute. You can at least give me a minute.” There was something in the way he said it, not that it was the least thing that I could do, but that it was the one thing at least I, out of everyone else could do. As if I were supposed to be different. I remembered my ruminations on loneliness from the shower the night before. I sighed and closed the door.

“Fine.” I didn't really want to have this conversation, dragging out my sudden ennui for dissection didn't seem like a helpful thing to be doing right now, but he deserved better than me slinking off with my clothes in a bunch, never to be heard from again.

“Did I do something?” he asked. It wasn't an accusation, it wasn't confrontational, it was a quiet, honest question.

“No,” I answered, unable to look him in the eye now.

“Then what? Why are you running off like you suddenly sobered up and found yourself in bed with a serial killer?“

I wanted to make him understand but I didn't want to hurt him. Jared and I were on the same journey, but we weren't at the same points on that journey. “Let's just say I met myself last night.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” he spat back. It had sounded insulting, even if I hadn't meant it to be. This wasn't helping. I needed to deflect.

“What are we doing here Jared? Why do you care? Let's not pretend like this was going somewhere.” Jared opened his mouth to respond but then quickly closed it again, his eyes shifting downward. “Yeah.”

“Was it supposed to have been? Did I miss a clue? I thought I was just something pretty to hold on to for you too.”

I sighed again. He wasn't wrong. “I know. And it's not fair for me to change the game halfway through. But I'm tired of this. Shouldn't we be more? For someone, shouldn't we be more than a pretty thing to cuddle up to?”

Jared shook his head. “Fucking unbelievable. So you decided you're ready to have a relationship and I don't even get a chance? Did I get any consideration at all?”

“Jesus, are you kidding me?” He wasn't seriously asking me for a relationship, was he? He couldn't be. There was no way. I think his feelings were just hurt that he was being rejected out of hand. “We are both getting out of ugly breakups. We are emotional train wrecks. You're immersed in your work and quite frankly I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing right now, reaching in a hundred different directions while I cancel what work I do have to chase Jane across the country. I'm not relationship material right now and neither are you. I don't understand why this even bothers you.”

He was quiet for a minute, looking at his still bare feet after our rude awakening this morning. “I could be,” he said finally. “Maybe.”

“Really? Is that what you want? Tell all those pretty young things throwing themselves at you to fuck off while you stroll away hand in hand with your boyfriend?” Jared was silent. “Yeah, I thought not.”

“Look, just because....”

“You think I'm judging you but I'm not. I get it. Your world isn't so far from mine. Look how many times they've collided already. I know what it would be like for us. That's not what I want. I don't really think it's what you want either.”

Jared pouted and looked up at me through those long eyelashes, eyes looking suspiciously damp. It might have made me stop, might have made me think twice if it weren't for the fact that, in the short time I had known him, I had already seen him use it at least a half a dozen times. He was playing me. “Jesus, you're a manipulative little bitch, aren't you?”

His expression immediately changed, his eyes becoming hard. “Yeah, that didn't sound judgy. Fuck you.”

“I'm sorry. Just remember what an asshole I was and then you won't miss me at all.”

“Sure. Glad I could facilitate your existential crisis.” He tossed his hair back, his voice wavering. I suddenly began to feel a lot less sure about what was going on here.

“You do get this is one hundred percent not about you, right? I'm sorry. If I had known it was going to take this turn I never would have involved you. I swear. You've been great to me. And it was fun. Right up until it wasn't.”

Jared nodded and looked at his feet again before reaching around me for the door handle. “We're not going to do this again are we?” he asked. And I knew it that moment that I had hurt him. And I felt terrible. And it changed nothing.

“Probably not. No.” I said, my own voice cracking, barely above a whisper. Jared opened the door and walked back in the room, turning his back to me. I tossed my keycard down on the little entry table and ran back to the safety of Jane.

 


	37. Chapter 37

 

 

I had a lot to think about on the drive back to Indiana. I had been pretty irritated with Jared's parting performance but it didn't really diminish the guilt I was feeling for treating him the way I had. It wasn't really any of my business how he chose to live his life, and I was wrong for judging him for behaving the way I had been behaving for pretty much all of mine. I decided I would wait a few days for him to calm down and then call him and apologize. I had been enjoying our friendship, I would like to at least mend fences. I knew he had no interest in actually having a relationship, I knew he was just spoiled and not used to not getting his way. I figured once the sting of it wore off he would be back to his old self. It was an easy enough fix I told myself.

Jane's situation, on the other hand, wasn't as straightforward. I waited with growing dread for Mitch's phone call. Whatever happened, we would deal with it, one way or another, but I wasn't looking forward to a big fight. It was the last thing Jane needed right now. I had made it to just outside Danville, IL when my phone began to ring. I knew that whatever news awaited me on the other side of that line I couldn't pay attention to it and drive so I pulled off the highway at the next exit, parked at a Phillips station and quickly rang Mitch back. My skin had gone clammy by the time he answered.

“Just tell me straight up, what are we dealing with,” I said as soon as he came on the line. There was a little chuckle and my anxiety levels dropped several notches.

“Jane says that Jared's the one that recommended that attack dog lawyer in Los Angeles for her, is that right?”

“Uhm, yeah?” I said, not exactly following yet.

“Well, you need to thank Jared because that guy saved our asses.”

That sounded promising at least. “What happened?”

“Well just so you know up front, everything is fine, Jane's under my custody for the time being. But she bombed that evaluation with that doctor this afternoon.”

As relieved as I was that Angus seemed to be out of the picture I was concerned about what was going on with Jane that might cause her to do so badly. “What happened, Mitch? What's wrong with Jane?”

“Don't flip out on me Roger,” Mitch said evenly. I didn't like the sound of this.

“Mitch, what the hell is going on?" I demanded. "Why was Jane so terrified this morning?”

“The doctor here thinks that she was underdiagnosed in St. Louis. It happens with brain injuries, sometimes it takes a few days to see how severe things are. He let Jane come back home with us tonight but they are discussing either readmitting her here or letting her go back to New York. Apparently, there's a really good treatment program there. But here I can watch out for her. If she goes back to New York, I can't leave Audrey and the girls to go take care of her... ”

“I'll take care of her.” I cut him off. “Whatever it takes, wherever it's best for her. Just say the word.”

“Okay, calm down. We'll what Dr. Nepp.... that's her neurologist here, Dr. Nepp," Mitch explained. "We'll see what he wants to do tomorrow. We see him again at 8:00 a.m. She's doing pretty good this afternoon. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.”

Mitch sounded so much calmer than I felt. I felt terrible for leaving. I should have put Shannon in a rental car and let him drive his own ass back to Wisconsin. I don't know why I didn't. I pressed my palm against my eye and tried to reason with myself but I wanted to scream. Jane wasn't the only one whose emotions were all over the place.

“Anyway, after the exam I was pretty nervous about the hearing. But then this whole team of attorneys shows up at the courtroom, apparently sent in by the L.A. guy. They had all this stuff on Angus and all this paperwork showing what was going on with Jane and background on me and everything. They knocked it out of the park. I have full medical power of attorney right now, and Angus isn't allowed to contact Jane, any of her family members, you or Shannon, and can't come within 1,000 feet. Probably going to cost Jane a pretty penny but I don't think she minds.”

Fuck. I was going to have to have Shannon thank Jared as soon as I called him. “That's amazing.”

“Yup, it sure is. It lets us focus on helping Jane get better and none of this other garbage. So how much longer until you get here?”

“I'm probably still about two hours out.”

“Well, that's just about right. As usual, the girls want to go out and have pizza with Aunt Jane. She's napping now but she should be up to it. Meet us at the Monical's on 41 around 6:30? Should be right on your way into town.”

“Sure thing,” I said hanging up the phone and sighing in relief. I called Shannon, but got his voice mail. I assumed they were either in sound check or playing, I couldn't remember when their set today was. I left a message letting him know what was going on and finished my drive back to Mitch's.

 

Jane:

 

“Come on, Roger, I don't' want to do any more of these today.” I closed the workbook and thrust it and my pencil back into Roger's lap. “His plane will be landing any minute now.”

“And when he disembarks we'll stop,” Roger said, holding the workbook out in front of me. “You skipped therapy today to come meet him at the airport so you're going to get your math problems done now.”

I groaned and took the book back. This was the first time I had seen Shannon since the hospital, almost two weeks ago. I didn't want to think about any stupid therapy homework, I just wanted my Shan-bear. With a scowl, I flipped back to the next page in the workbook.

My little concussion had turned out to be moderate brain injury. My forgetfulness in the day after the accident had only been the tip of the iceberg. I had become increasingly anxious and paranoid in the following days. There had been additional tests and a parade of specialists, but what it all boiled down to in the end was a diminished capacity to self-regulate my emotions, diminished short-term memory recall and, inexplicably, a loss of most of my math skills. All these things were expected to improve, and they were, but much slower than I would have liked. I went to therapy for a couple hours a day where they worked on the skills I had lost. The problem was that other than that, I wasn't allowed to do anything. I was supposed to be resting my brain so I wasn't allowed to write, or read or play board games or even watch intellectually challenging television programs. I was going stir crazy. And I missed my Shannon.

He called me after every show, and we had long phone conversations on his days off but of course, it wasn't the same as having him there with me and being wrapped up in one of his amazing hugs. He was only here visiting for two days, then he had a show in New Jersey, but they would be back in New York next week. I was so anxious for his tour to be over. I wanted some real time with him. As it was sometimes when I called he was busy and Jared ended up picking up the phone. That wasn't too bad, at least I got to have some nice chats with Jared too. After all the misunderstandings it was good to repair that friendship. But it wasn't helping my Shannon withdrawals and since I was emotionally all over the place these days it was affecting me more than it should have.

I tapped my pencil against the page with a sigh. Shannon's flight should have landed already. I tried not to let my imagination run away with me, I flew enough to know that arrival and departure times were in reality mostly suggestions. But it was incredibly frustrating. When his flight finally landed I shoved the workbook and pencil back at Roger and jumped out of my seat.

“Jane, you have to wait for him to disembark,” Roger pointed out. He tucked everything back into his tote with an air of frustration. I knew taking care of me was not exactly high on his list of fun things to do, but Roger had seemed different since my accident. I had tried to talk to him about it but he shifted the discussion every time I brought it up. I thought something had maybe happened between him and Jared but Jared brushed off the subject whenever I brought it up to him too, claiming not to know what Roger's attitude change was about. I was pretty sure they were both full of shit and I was kind of hoping that maybe Jared had confided in Shannon what was going on and I was going to get some answers now that I had him here where I could corner him.

I was so excited when I got my first glimpse of Shannon. He looked like he'd had a nap on the flight and his hair was ruffled in that sort of sleepy parakeet way that was becoming increasingly familiar. I threw myself into his arms as soon as he was in range, and he wasted no time in kissing me, those powerful lips of his pulling me back under his thrall in seconds.

“I missed you, Janey,” he whispered against my ear as he clutched me against him, and I found myself inhaling deeply for that scent of his before I even realized what I was doing. “I've been so worried about you,” he added.

Shannon had just brought a carry-on bag since he was only in for the weekend, and without luggage to collect we were out of the airport and in a cab back to mine and Roger's apartment in a flash. Shannon was uncharacteristically talkative the entire ride, telling me about the shows I had missed. I listened quietly, unsure of what to add. My life had been extremely uneventful since we parted, emergency hearing aside. It felt sort of awkward, sitting like that while he rattled on, knowing it was generally me that carried our conversations. Suddenly though, I didn't know what to say to him at all.

Once we were back at my place Roger started listing all the things I still wasn't allowed to do. Shannon listened patiently and promised to take good care of me, but I was fast becoming tired of being treated like I was a six-year-old. It felt like I was being handed from one babysitter to the next. “I know what I'm allowed to do Roger, and I can make up my own mind about it, ” I said tersely.

“And she's still a little moody,” Roger added.

“Oh fuck you,” I retorted. Shannon's eyes got big. I don't think he'd ever seen a cross word between Roger and me before. Then again, he hadn't been around us that much. We fought occasionally too, just like any other pair of friends. It just never lasted long.

“You know what, Jane, whatever. I'm tired of fighting you today. Drummer boy blows back into town and suddenly nothing else matters to you.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I demanded. I didn't know why things were boiling over now but I was willing to let Roger yell at me a bit if it would help me get to the bottom of whatever had been bothering him.

“Oh come on. All I hear out of you lately is Shannon this and Shannon that...”

“Are you jealous?” I asked incredulously. Surely that wasn't it. Roger had never been jealous of anyone I had dated.

“No, I'm not fucking jealous, Jane!” Roger grumbled. I noticed Shannon grabbing his bag and heading down the hall, wisely leaving us to settle whatever was going on. I had to respect him having enough sense not to get in the middle of it. “I just wish you'd show a little sense.”

“Roger I have been trying my ass off. I've been doing what I'm supposed to do. Am I supposed to feel guilty about wanting to enjoy a weekend with my boyfriend?”

“Is he? Your boyfriend? Have the two of you even talked about that or what that means? Do you know what you're doing at all?” Roger demanded, running his hand through his hair.

I was puzzled by his questions. Of course, Shannon was my boyfriend. We had pushed everything aside to be together. How could he not be my boyfriend? “Are you serious right now Roger? Why are you bringing this up now, in front of Shannon?”

“Because every other time I bring it up you blow me off. Let's face it, Jane, you don't exactly have a stellar track record when it comes to making decisions about men.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, you're really the relationship guru here.”

“I'm doing better than you are.”

“Really? Is that so? What happened to Daphne? Why aren't you speaking to Jared?" I felt bad for bringing up Daphne but I was at a loss as to what was going on in Roger's head. "What the fuck is going on with you? Just because I don't know how things got fucked up doesn't mean I don't know they aren't. You're a lot easier to read than you think. Even if I am brain damaged.”

“You're not brain damaged.” Roger insisted.

“Yeah, actually, I am. Let's be honest for a minute. And you've been freaked out ever since it happened.”

“It's not about that Jane. I swear.”

“Then what, Roger? Help me out here. What the fuck has been up with you ever since St. Louis?”

“I don't know,” Roger said. Suddenly all the fight seemed to go out of him and he dropped onto the sofa, head in his hands. I sat down next to him and place my hand at the small of his back, making small soothing circles.

“Roger, I know this thing with me has been stressful for you. I'm really sorry to put you through this....”

“That's not it,” Roger interjected weakly but I continued on.

“I know you're just looking out for me. That's what you do. And I'm sorry I snapped at you. You have to see if from my point of view. Everyone is treating me like I can't even make the simplest decisions for myself, even though the doctors have said I'm mostly fine.” As frustrated and out of sorts as I had been feeling, I felt so much worse suddenly for having snapped at Roger. I knew my moods were still all over the place. I knew my feelings of frustration at the situation were valid, but my attitude was uncalled for. I wanted to reach him but I didn't seem to know how to go about it properly anymore.

“Jane, it's not that. I get it I do. This recovery of yours has been hard for both of us but I don't mind looking out for you, really. I promise," he assured me as he patted my hand.

“Then what is it? I know what my problem is, but you haven't been yourself lately either.”

“Look, just go spend some time with Shannon.” He looked around and noticed that Shannon had disappeared. “Tell him I'm sorry for blowing up like that. I'll take you guys to dinner if you want.”

I shook my head. “No, I was planning on cooking, remember? But Roger...”

“Can we talk about it later? Maybe when your boyfriend isn't probably listening in the background?”

I sighed. I knew I wasn't going to get any further with him right now. “Fine,” I said before going to join Shannon in the bedroom.

Shannon was sitting uncomfortably on the edge of my bed, hands in his lap. “I hope this is your bedroom,” he said with a laugh, pointing to the collection of antique rag dolls in a cabinet on the wall.

I nodded and sat down next to him. “Yeah, I actually collect those. Some of them belonged to my great-grandmother.”

“That's really neat actually. I don't remember you having them in L.A. Though.”

“I didn't have room for them there,” I explained.

Shannon paused, frowning at the floor before continuing. “Is everything okay between you and Roger? Is he mad at me or something? He was kind of pissy on the drive up to Wisconsin after your accident.”

I shook my head. “I don't know what's wrong with him really. Did something happen between him and Jared?”

“Not that I know of. Jared was kind of bitchy for a few days after he left, now that I think about it. But he's been moody lately too so it may not have anything to do with Roger.”

Apparently bored with the conversation, Shannon leaned over and pressed his lips to mine, his tongue inviting itself in to swirly softly with my own. I sighed and laid back against the mattress, pulling Shannon on top of me. In minutes his hands were under my shirt, his mouth leaving a trail of wet, pink skin as he nibbled gently towards my breasts. I just wanted to relax and be with him but Roger's meltdown had me feeling like the world's worst friend. With a sigh, I pushed him aside.

“I'm sorry, “ I apologized. “I'm just worried about Roger. Let's pick this back up after dinner.”

To his credit, Shannon didn't complain, just gave me another kiss before sitting up. “Fine,” he told me with a smirk. “But screaming my name had better be on your list of approved activities. Otherwise, we're just going to have to ignore doctor's orders.”

 


	38. Chapter 38

I headed into the kitchen with Shannon padding along behind me. Roger was lying face down on the sofa with headphones on, music so loud it was bleeding through in tinny tones into the quiet room, and I tapped him on the shoulder as we passed. He looked up at me and turned over onto his back but didn't remove his headphones. I loved him dearly but I was getting tired of indulging him and I had no intention of playing along with his latent teenage nonsense. I didn't think it was helping anything. I reached down and pulled one earphone away from his head.

“Come on, we're going to make dinner,” I insisted, releasing the headpiece with a snap so it smacked into the side of his head. He threw it aside and sat up, rubbing his ear in annoyance. “I thought maybe we could all hang out and watch a movie after,” I added.

“I think I'm going out,” Roger grumbled but he got off the sofa and headed into the kitchen after us.

“What are we making?” Shannon asked as I started pulling ingredients out of the refrigerator.

“Tacos, of course,” I said with a smile, pausing to give him a quick kiss on the nose. He smiled back, that huge grin he got when he was truly happy, the one that crinkled his face and lit up his eyes, and I melted. For a moment my anxiety was gone, no worries about strangely moody besties, or psycho exes, or the specter of long-term brain damage, or what exactly Shannon was doing when he couldn't come to the phone. We were innocent and at the beginning again, making tacos in that crappy apartment on Jamaica street while the storm raged outside. There was a storm raging now too, and I didn't like this one at all. I'd have rather had the rain.

Roger finished washing his hands and pulled out the cutting board and a knife. “Here, you can do the chopping,” he said as he handed the items to Shannon. “I'll take salsa and margarita detail.”

I watched Shannon's face for any looks of disapproval at the mention of alcohol but he just smiled and started peeling the onion Roger had handed him. I hoped that meant that we were done with judgmental Shannon. Roger ducked out for a minute to raid the liquor cabinet and turn on some music, and he returned with a giant bottle of tequila and wearing two sombreros that were leftover from some party long past. I pulled one off his head and put it on mine, noting the smile that was creeping up on his face. Roger seemed to do better as long as there was a little distraction.

“At least now that you're here we don't have to listen to _Capricorn_ on a loop,” he said to Shannon.

Shannon laughed. “You do that?” he asked me.

“Dude, if you only knew....” Roger said. I flicked him with the dishtowel, but I could feel myself blushing.

“I like that one,” I said with a shrug. “I mean I like all of them, the whole album, but that's my favorite.” I noticed the way Shannon was grinning at me and I felt self-conscious. “What?” I asked as I bit my bottom lip.

“You're so adorable,” he said, leaning over to kiss me.

“Hey now, not in front of the cilantro,” Roger protested, taking the other sombrero off and placing it on Shannon's head. “For our guest,” he explained.

I got the filling started on the stove while we danced around the kitchen to whatever mess of dance tracks Roger had put on. “Oooh, make them mango, there are some cubes in the freezer!” I gushed when I saw Roger pull the blender out.

“Does Shannon even like mango?” Roger asked. “Maybe he's allergic.”

I rolled my eyes. Not more of this. “He loves mangoes, just like I do,” I informed Roger. Shannon smiled and nodded and Roger grumbled a little bit before pulling the plastic pouch out of the freezer. I checked over Shannon's shoulder to see how the veggies were coming and noted him pitting an avocado like an expert. I murmured my approval and he turned around to see what I was working on, pressing himself into my back and resting his chin on my shoulder.

“That smells amazing, babe. What is it this time?”

“Shredded jackfruit,” I explained. “It's really nice for tacos al pastor.”

“It's Jane's favorite,” Roger said. I looked at him in confusion.

“I thought chorizo was your favorite?” Shannon asked.

“It is,” I confirmed, realization dawning on me. “But apparently we're having the food version of the how well do you two know each other quiz.” I scowled at Roger but he avoided my gaze. Shannon just laughed.

“Do I need my number two pencil?” he asked.

“Well, if you're willing to sit for the exam...” Roger started.

“No,” I interjected, but Roger was onto his first question already.

“Do you know why Jane is a vegetarian?”

“Roger!”

Shannon wiped his hands on the small kitchen towel I had laid out for him. “Because of a field trip you guys went on in fifth grade. She saw baby cows playing in a field and realized they were meant to grow up to be someone's cheeseburgers and she decided she didn't want to eat meat anymore.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “You know we have talked, Roger. We've spent hours and hours on the phone together, talking about all the stuff you're about to ask. So can we just skip this? You're just going to embarrass yourself.”

“You didn't ask Jane any questions yet,” Shannon said mischievously.

“Don't encourage him.”

“Sorry,” Roger apologized with a shrug. “I don't have enough information for the Shannon side of this quiz. I wouldn't know what to ask or if you were even telling the truth.”

“Good,” I said pointedly. “Quiz over.” I took out some tortillas and started wrapping them to go in the oven.

Shannon started rifling through the cabinets, pulling out a couple of bowls before resuming his work with the veggies. “You like guacamole, right? I seem to remember someone eating her own weight in that stuff.”

“You're making me guacamole?” I asked with a smile. “You're so sweet.. I knew I loved you.” I gave him another kiss and Roger groaned and started the blender, drowning out any further conversation.

Roger poured out margaritas for everyone as soon as they were done and we drank them as we laughed and cooked and danced along to the music. By the time the food made it to the table we were already on our second pitcher and I was pretty sure it was twice as strong as the first. I could feel Roger finally starting to relax, the smile on his face a real one for a change. He stopped trying to throw a wrench into every conversation that got started, and even got up and danced with Shannon when “Milkshake” came on in the rotation, the two of them rolling their hips and shaking their asses while I laughed and cleared the table.

We got busy with the washing up, and Roger had just finished drying the frying pan when it happened. I was looking right at him, he was drying his hands and watching Shannon walk the tequila back to the liquor cabinet when his expression changed. I saw him as he fell out of the moment, his eyes clouding and his smile dissolving as whatever thought that had intruded pulled him away. I had seen that look, that sudden change before, though not on him. It scared the hell out of me. I dropped the margarita glass I had been washing back into the sink and threw my arms around his waist, burying my head against his chest, reassuring myself with the sound of his heart loud in my ears.

“Hey, what the heck?” he finally asked me as he pried my arms loose from their tight lock on his abdomen. My eyes were blurred with tears when I looked up to answer him.

“You're terrifying me, Roger,” I told him.

He sighed. “Why on earth would you say that?”

“You know why,” I managed to squeak out in reply before pulling him against me again.

“Hey, don't be like that. It's not like that. I promise.” He stroke my hair and nestled my head under his chin but I wasn't buying his dismissal. I would never be put off so easily again.

“I don't believe you. You know how much I love you, right? How much I need you?”

Roger pulled away uncomfortably. “Janey, can we not do this right now?” He tossed the towel he had been holding down on the counter and belted back the last of his margarita before storming off to his room. I was left standing there dumbfounded and helpless when Shannon returned.

“Hey, where'd Roger go?” he asked. I just shook my head and went back to finishing the dishes, afraid if I spoke I would lose what little control I was maintaining. Shannon pressed his lips to my cheek before picking up the towel Roger had discarded and finished drying the dishes.

I knocked on Roger's door once we were done, to ask him if he wanted to come watch a movie with us, but his music was blaring and if he heard me he made no sign. I gave up and went to curl up on the sofa with Shannon, trying not to let my worries ruin the little bit of time we had together. “We can go out you know, if you'd rather,” I pointed out as he grabbed a throw from the end of the sofa to pull up over us.

“No, I'd rather just spend some time with you. It's nice to slow down for a bit. This tour is dragging on. Unless you want to go out. You don't have to stay in just because I'm here.”

I shook my head. “No. Maybe tomorrow night though?”

Shannon was about to say something else when the doorbell rang. How Roger heard it over the blaring of “ _Sleeping with Ghosts”_ that was ongoing in his room I have no idea but the music immediately shut off and he shouted, “That's for me!” When he emerged a minute later he was dressed for a serious night on the town, complete with makeup, leather pants and some feathery thing on his shirt.

“Where the fuck are you going dressed like that?” I asked him. He just ignored me and starting gathering his wallet and keys from the bowl on the table where he kept them. “Avril Lavigne wants her eyeliner back,” I added. He flipped me off without a word and walked out the door. I didn't even get a chance to see who had come for him.

“What the hell is the story there?” Shannon asked.

“I don't know. Really. But I wish he'd tell me.” In spite of my seemingly flippant attitude and my determination not to let him get to me I found myself bursting into tears. Great. Poor emotional regulation for the win, folks. I felt bad for crumbling in front of Shannon like that, it seemed like all I had done was bring drama into his life lately, but he just put his arms around me and pulled me in tight against him.

“Hey, it's going to be okay. He'll tell you when he's ready, I'm sure.”

I didn't share Shannon's confidence. I'd had a front-row seat while demons ate alive someone else I'd loved. It made me worry for Shannon too, I'd seen him fall out of the moment that same way before himself. I couldn't manage to verbalize any of this though. I managed to whimper out one word, “Jefferson”, and I could only hope that he understood.

“It's not like that,” Shannon said. “Give him some time. He may not even know what's wrong himself.”

I don't know why that hadn't occurred to me. Roger always seemed to know what was going on, he had this sort of profound emotional IQ that always seemed to let him see to the heart of whatever was happening around him. I had to admit though, it was inevitable that sooner or later he was bound to feel as lost as the rest of us, even if for just a moment. I nodded and dried my eyes. “Do you want some popcorn? Or a drink?” I offered, trying to bring things back around to our movie night.

“Nope. Just you,” Shannon answered, snuggling me against his chest again. I felt pulled in two directions, worried that I was spoiling my time with Shannon, worried that Roger needed me and instead I was curled up with my boyfriend, watching _Resident Evil_ for about the tenth time. However Roger had made it clear that even if he wanted my intervention he wasn't ready for it yet, and so I tried to push my concerns aside for the evening, sliding m hands under Shannon's t-shirt and inhaling deeply. He chuckled and kissed the top of my head, and I allowed myself to sink into the warmth of him. He wasn't a big guy, hell, Angus easily had forty pounds and more than half a foot on him, but he always felt so solid, so real, as if he had his own gravity that pulled me against his chest and kept me securely there. Held in that protected space, it was a lot easier to let my anxieties go for a little while. It probably didn't hurt that I was still half drunk from the parade of mango margaritas I had downed earlier either.

Of course, Shannon didn't resist at all as my hands began to roam his skin, the firmness of his muscles beneath my fingertips simply reinforcing that feeling of groundedness. It was clear after my meltdown he was letting me lead the way, and so I did, pushing him back into the soft cushions of the sofa and sliding my body across his. As I straddled him his hands came to rest on the back of my head, gathering my hair and cradling my face against his. I gazed into those whiskey warm eyes of his and I could feel a corresponding heat pooling somewhere much lower. He dragged the pad of his thumb across my bottom lip before pulling me in for a kiss, his tongue meeting mine with a ferocity that belied his patient approach. With a smile of satisfaction, I yanked his shirt over his head, letting my own eagerness show. Shannon smirked back and rolled me underneath him, hips pressing against mine while he devoured my throat and pulled my own clothing away.

I didn't know what he had in mind but I was in no mood to wait around to find out. It had been weeks without him, and I missed the way he felt against me. I slipped my hands between us, unfastening his jeans and freeing his already erect cock. He moaned as my fingers wrapped around his shaft, and I kept a firm grip as I continued to stroke him, enjoying the way he filled my hand and his hips kept a soft rhythm in time with my movements. I waited for him to finish sliding his own clothing away before wrapping my leg around his waist, positioning him at my entrance.

“Janey....” he said uncertainly, his voice gravely with lust.

“Just fuck me, Shan,” I told him, too lost in my own need to have any inhibitions left. “I don't need a half hour of foreplay right now. I just need you inside me.” Truth be told, if it weren't for Roger I'd have had Shannon's clothes off as soon as we got inside the apartment. I was done waiting.

“Whatever you want, baby,” Shannon groaned against my ear before shifting his hips for that delicious union I was craving. There was nothing like it, that initial breach, that long slide into pleasure, and I loved feeling my body yield to his. In no time he was buried deep inside me, my knees pushed back against the cushions as he advanced and withdrew, a sheen of sweat starting to bead up on his skin. I let my nails graze their way down his slick back, my hands coming to rest just above his ass. I could feel the powerful muscles there contracting with each thrust, and I shifted to grip his hips tightly with my legs as pleasure flooded my senses. He felt so good, it was no wonder I reacted to him the way I did, craving him whenever he was near, writhing and moaning shamelessly once I had him.

We wrestled briefly before I managed to get him to turn over, and I repositioned myself, impaling myself on that thick shaft with a soft cry. Shannon slowly traced his hands across my thighs, over my taut stomach and up to my breasts as I rode him, eventually coming to pinch and tease at my hard nipples as I moaned and shuddered against him. I could barely stand to look down at him, those long lashes settled nearly against his cheeks as his eyes closed in pleasure, his lips still swollen from the kisses we had exchanged in the beginning. He called out my name again, a plea this time as he slid his thumb over the tender bulge of my clit and I understood he was fighting himself to hold on. I was already there myself though, and the minute he made contact with that slick junction I was coming apart, crying out to any god that would hear me as my body clenched his and my vision contracted. He shuddered himself then, his hand grabbing for my thigh as he came apart and then clutching me to his chest once it was all over. It was amazing but it only scratched the surface of the desire I had been holding onto as I waited to see him again. I bent to kiss him before moving carefully away so as not to make a mess of the sofa underneath us.

“Don't go,” he grumbled as I shifted. “Just lie here with me for a few minutes.”

“We'll ruin the sofa,” I explained. “We can cuddle in my bed after we get cleaned up.”

Shannon sat up and grabbed his t-shirt, unceremoniously wiping himself off with it. “I want to cuddle now,” he groused.

I took his hand and pulled at him until he was standing up. “How about we cuddle in the tub?” I asked him. He cocked one eyebrow at me but agreed, gathering our clothing up before following me down the hall. I was back in the moment again myself now, my worries for Roger in the backseat. I had Shannon back. I was full of happy sex hormones. For now, everything was right with the world.

 


	39. Chapter 39

Of course it being us, bathtub cuddles devolved into more sex and a very wet bathroom floor that I did my best to mop up before Shannon dragged me to the bedroom to wrap himself around me and fall asleep. I tried to let go and drift off too, but my head was buzzing and so I got up and started some laundry, finished straightening up the bathroom and managed to get the towels into the wash as well before my eyelids began drooping and I finally felt like I could drift off to sleep. I climbed back into bed as carefully as possible but Shannon stirred anyway, throwing his arm across my chest once I had settled and sleepily nuzzling my throat. 

“Stop, your stubble tickles,” I protested as I tried to shift away from him. He just locked his arms around my shoulders and anchored me there against him, mumbling something about "crazy girlfriends who clean bathrooms in the middle of the night". I guess he hadn't been so fast asleep after all. “Sorry,” I apologized with a gentle kiss to his forehead. “I didn't mean to wake you.”

“Stop worrying,” Shannon told me. “There's nothing you can do for him until he's ready. Trust me.”

I knew he was right but it did nothing to stop the hollow ache in my chest. I shifted around so that my head was tucked under Shannon's chin and I was engulfed in his scent. I let my breathing slow until it matched his and my limbs began to feel warm and heavy. 

“Janey?” Shannon asked softly. I mumbled an acknowledgment. “Who's name was it?”

“What?” I had no idea what he was talking about. I figured he was wandering around that introvert brain of his again and I needed a trail of breadcrumbs to find him. “Who's name what?”

“When we were playing Never Have I Ever, and you got so mad when Jared asked if you'd ever said the wrong name during sex.”

I looked at the clock and groaned. “This is what your brain is doing at three in the morning? Rehashing old games of Never Have I Ever?”

“Jane...”

“Why are you even asking me this, Shannon?” I sighed but kept my face pressed tightly into his chest. He started to say something else but I cut him off. “You know it was you.”

I could feel the muscles of his face contract as what I imagined to be a rather cocky grin spread across it. “Was it with Angus? Please tell me it was with Angus.”

“I don't want to talk about this, Shannon.”

“It was Angus,” was his self-satisfied response. I sighed. He was right of course, it had been back in mine and Angus's days of “friends with benefits” but I had indulged myself a little fantasy time once. It ended in an embarrassing vocalization and days of picking the shattered pieces of my heart back up off the floor when I realized how badly I had missed Shannon, and how desperate I was to be wanted like that again. It wasn't exactly a happy memory. I refused to say any more about it. 

I woke up the next morning to an empty bed. When I got up to use the bathroom I found last nights load of towels folded and neatly put back in place. I wondered how long I had slept and was shocked when a quick check revealed the time to be nearly noon. Cautiously I made my way down the hall to find Shannon watching television, feet propped up and coffee in hand. 

“There's my sleepyhead,” he said with a grin. “I made breakfast but it's been a while ago. I put your plate in the fridge. I can warm it up for you if you want.”

“You didn't have to do that,” I told him as I walked into the kitchen. He turned the TV off and followed behind me. “You should have just gotten me up.”

“No, I know you need your sleep right now and you were up really late last night worrying. It's fine.” 

I pulled the little plate of scrambled eggs and toast out of the refrigerator and popped it into the microwave before grabbing my coffee mug. “How's Roger today?” I asked. Shannon's sunny expression immediately faded. “What's wrong?” I demanded. 

“He's not home yet.”

“Are you sure? Did you check his room?”

Shannon nodded. “Yeah, it doesn't look like he came back last night.”

I set my coffee down and grabbed my phone, dialing Roger. All I got was his voice mail. I told myself I was overreacting, he stayed out all night pretty frequently, but he wasn't himself lately and he'd already been pretty drunk when he left. I had no idea who he was even with. I stared sickly into my coffee cup and tried not to think of all the things that could be happening to him right now. 

Shannon insisted that I eat something, and I managed to get about half of my eggs down before I set about scouring the apartment, looking for something to clean. Shannon let me work for about an hour before intervening, taking the mop bucket away from me and leading me to the living room.

“Look, you're not doing either of you any good worrying yourself sick over Roger. He's a grown man. He'll come home when he's ready. Why don't we go out for a while, get your mind off things? Maybe a movie, dinner, something like that?” Shannon suggested. I shook my head but gave him a hug. He was being incredibly patient with me, much better than he had been when Roger had unexpectedly joined us on the road. I was grateful for his change in attitude. “At least sit down here and watch a movie with me or something. You're going to rub your knuckles raw.”

Reluctantly I curled up on the sofa, Shannon wrapping himself around me for those powerful cuddles the way he always did. I tried several more times to call Roger with no response before he finally walked through the door just before three in the afternoon. I was about to yell at him for ignoring his phone and making me worry when I got a good look at him. He was hurrying through the living room, trying to get to his bedroom as quickly as possible but I could see that he was abnormally pale, with dark rings under his eyes that weren't entirely from smeared eyeliner. His shirt was torn, his clothing was rumpled and I'd swear as he passed me I got a whiff of something that smelled like every old alcohol bottle in Manhattan. “Roger?” I called out cautiously. He shut his bedroom door behind him. 

Shannon and I exchanged looks before I bolted up, running after Roger and jiggling the locked doorknob to his room. I pounded on the gray panel, shouting and demanding to be let in, making the biggest scene I possibly could. 

“Janey....” Shannon said cautiously from behind me. 

“Don't argue with me right now, Shan,” I warned him. This was between me and Roger. The last place Shannon wanted to be right now was in the middle of it. “Roger, Goddammit so much, open this door right now!”

The knob turned and the door drifted open a few inches. I looked back at Shannon. “I'll be in living room. Call me if you need me,” he said with a sigh before turning around and walking away. I knew this was spoiling our visit but our lives seemed to have their own agenda these days and there was no use fighting it. It wasn't like I could turn my back on Roger to go party with Shannon, and I knew he didn't expect me to. 

Roger was seated on the edge of his bed and he didn't even lift his head when I came into the room. In this enclosed space I could smell him more clearly now. Whatever party he had gone to last night it seemed like he had ended up underneath it. He looked like hell. “Jesus, Rog. I'm going to start you a shower. Wait right there.” I knew the last sentence was unnecessary, he wasn't going anywhere, but I couldn't deal with the fact that he was just sitting there like that, dazed and frozen. Predictably when I came back out of his bathroom he hadn't moved an inch. Gingerly, I sat down next to him. 

“Are you okay?” I asked him. Close up I could see that he had been crying, there were tracks of black makeup across his chiseled cheekbones. “Did something happen?” I prodded. He chuckled bitterly. I reached over to take his hand and he reflexively jerked it back away from me. My imagination began to churn away at why he might be acting like this and my stomach soured with the possibilities. I looked at his torn and stained shirt. “Roger? What happened to your shirt?”

Roger shook his head and his eyes cleared for a moment. “I tore it on the piece of patio furniture I passed out on. Oh, and I threw up on it.”

I groaned. “Well that explains the smell I guess. Here, let's get you out of it and into that shower.” I tugged at the buttons for a moment before he began to help me, the haze slipping back into place over his face. Looking at his haggard appearance, his drooping eyes and chapped lips, his fuzzy mental state, it didn't take a genius to work out he had been a lot more than drunk last night. “What did you take, Roger?” I asked him, wondering if he had even finished coming down yet. Anything else I was about to ask him died in my throat as his shirt fell away. 

Roger's chest, shoulders, and arms were covered with an assortment of small bruises, scratches and bite marks. I gasped as they were revealed but he seemed confused by my reaction, looking down dispassionately at his splotched skin. “Oh, yeah, that,” he finally said. 

“Roger,” I asked quietly, afraid of what the answer was going to be. “Do I need to be putting you in the shower or calling the police?”

“What? No.” He stood up and started pulling the rest of his clothing off. It wasn't anything I hadn't seen before but he seemed even more casual about it than usual and it was very odd. 

“You're not just saying that because you're still high and you think you'll get in trouble, right?”

“I'm fine, I'm perfectly sober and you can kindly fuck off.” He threw his pants at me and wobbled into the bathroom in a manner that did not say “perfectly sober”, no matter what was coming out of his mouth. 

He left the door cracked and I sat on the bed and watched him in the shower as he stood under the flow, steam swirling out from around him as he bowed his head and braced himself against the wall. I felt like my life was on some weird, endless, backward loop -- as if we had all moved forward seven years to find ourselves in some strange reflection of where we had started. I knew one thing though. I wasn't leaving this bedroom until I got some answers out of Roger. 

Shannon stuck his head in the door and looked around briefly. “I heard the shower start. Everything okay? What's going on?”

I shrugged my shoulders, my eyes starting to fill up with tears of helpless frustration. I spotted the clothes on the floor where Roger had discarded them and picked them up, handing them to Shannon with a wrinkle of my nose. “Here. I don't know if I should have you burn them or hold them for evidence.”

“Do you want me to try talking to him?” Shannon asked as he pinched his fingers together and took the soiled clothing from me. “I know a thing or two about rock bottom.”

“I don't know. Maybe?” Shannon nodded and disappeared with the offending outfit. 

I peeked in at Roger again, and he was standing in the same position, water running over him as he watched it sluice over his body and run down the drain. Taking a deep breath I entered the bathroom. “Roger?” I didn't want to ask if he was all right, I knew he wasn't. I didn't know what to say to him at all, but my brain kept shouting “I told you so!”. I had known it wasn't just moodiness. I had known something was deeply off for weeks. I just hadn't known it was this bad, and I didn't understand how it had escalated so quickly. “Roger, please.” I didn't even know what I was asking, exactly, but I knew I needed him to let me reach him. 

Roger turned at the sound of my voice, blinking at me as the water cascaded past his eyes. “Janey....” it came out as a sob and he took a stumbling step backward, grabbing for something on the wall that wasn't there. I immediately flung open the glass shower door and jumped in with him, grabbing him to keep him from falling. He surprised me by throwing his arms around me, his muscles going slack as he crumpled around me. His tall frame was too much for me to support and we both quickly ended up on the stall floor, Roger drawing himself into a tight ball that I draped myself protectively over. I had seen Roger in some bad places. Breakups typically knocked him pretty low, and when we lost Jefferson we had both struggled. Still, I had never seen him like this. 

I heard the squeak of the spigot being rotated and I turned around to see Shannon shutting off the water. He then retrieved several towels and helped me get Roger off the floor and moving back toward the bed. Once we had him sat down there Shannon handed me a towel of my own. 

“Why don't you get dried off and changed. I'll sit with him for a bit,” Shannon offered. I looked questioningly at Roger but he nodded his acquiescence. 

“I'll get us both some dry clothes,” I confirmed before leaving them.

When I got back to Roger's room he and Shannon were sitting on the edge of the bed, talking softly. I stood in the doorway for a minute and watched them as Roger gesticulated and Shannon nodded, and I wondered what Roger was saying to Shannon that he couldn't or wouldn't say to me. Roger noticed me standing in the doorway first, his eyes quickly darting away from mine as fast as they had met them, and the conversation abruptly ended. Shannon turned to see me there and smiled, rising from the bed, taking the dry clothing from my hands and handing it to Roger. After he confirmed that Roger could manage by himself for a minute Shannon took my arm and led me back out into the hallway.

“What the hell is going on, Shannon?”

“He needs to talk to you.”

“I know that. I've been begging him to talk to me for weeks now. He won't.” I hissed in return. I had known something was wrong with Roger back in Kansas City, after the breakup with Daphne. He had seemed off even then, even for having just gotten dumped. I suspected something had happened with Jared too but both of them had shut down any questions I raised there. It felt a lot like I had been sounding out a warning that no one listened to and now here was Roger, in pieces, and Shannon, telling me Roger and I needed to talk like it was some kind of new information. It made my blood pressure rise. 

“I know, Jane, but he's been afraid to, for whatever reason. He didn't tell me what the problem was, just that he's worried about how you'll react and he doesn't want to upset you.” Shannon let go of my arm and smoothed a lock of hair back from my face. “Just, be calm and patient and listen to him, okay?” 

I wanted to argue with Shannon, tell him I would never do anything to hurt Roger, but I realized that Roger was probably ready to talk to me now and I was impatient to get some answers. I stepped around Shannon and made my way back to him. He was still sitting on the edge of the bed but he had pulled on the pajama pants I had dug out for him and was turning the t-shirt over and over in his hands. When he saw me enter the room he quickly pulled it over his head. 

I sat down next to him and took a deep breath. “Okay, before anything else, I need to say that no matter what it is you have to tell me, and no matter what happened tonight, I love you forever to the end of time and you couldn't get rid of me if you tried. I promise.”

Roger's lips turned up into what I wasn't sure was a smile or a grimace. “I kissed a boy before you did. You didn't speak to me for two weeks.”

“We were twelve, Rog. I'd like to think I've grown since then,” I protested. There was one more thing I needed to say though. “And I can't believe I'm asking you this, believe me, I get the irony. But should I have let you shower just now? Those marks....” I took a deep breath as Roger quickly turned his gaze away. “Whatever that was, it was consensual right? Because if not we can call someone...”

Roger shook his head. “No. Nothing happened to me tonight I didn't ask for.”

“That's not exactly what I asked.”

“It wasn't like that, Jane. I promise. I just... I made some bad decisions tonight.”

I hugged him then, my arms finding their way around his tight shoulders, clutching at him until I felt his muscles starting to release a bit. “Forever and always, to the end of time, I promise Roger,” I whispered. With a ragged sob, he let go, turning into my embrace, pulling me back as tightly against him as he cried. 

“You have to mean that, Jane. You have to,” he choked out. “You're the only one that matters, Jane. You're the only person I have.”

“That's not true, Roger. You have friends who care about you. You have people...”

“My mother died,” he interrupted. Startled, I let go of him, sitting up straight and looking at him in confusion. 

“What? When? Why didn't you tell me?” I knew I should be worried about him, and I was, but I was hurt that he had kept something like this from me.

“It was the day after your hearing. We were waiting to find out about your diagnosis and I didn't want to distract you. My sister called to tell me, and to make sure I understood that I wasn't welcome at the funeral.”

I couldn't get my head around the audacity of that. Roger's family situation was bad, it was one of the reasons my parents had all but adopted him when we were growing up, but the cruelty of banning someone from their own mother's funeral tore at my heart. “Roger, I am so sorry. You should have told me. If not right then, then at least before now. Before you blew up. It doesn't matter what shape I'm in, I will always, ALWAYS make room for you.”

Roger threw his arms around me again, and I rocked him as we cried together. “You're the only unconditional love I have ever known, Jane. I don't know what would have happened to me if I hadn't met you. It scares me to even think about it. Please don't leave me.”

I knew there was more for him to tell. This meltdown has started before that phone call. But right now I needed him to understand how much I loved him, and that I meant every promise. I continued to hold him while he cried, while he let some of the pain, and I am sure some self-loathing and guilt flood out of him, while I reassured him in gentle tones and continued my promises. “We will always be together Roger. I promise. I'd be lost without you too.” 

 


	40. Chapter 40

As I held Roger and waited for him to calm down, a thousand memories flooded through my head in bits and pieces, like flashes from a movie.

In the first one, it's 1985, I'm ten and back at Sugarbush Elementary. I'm hiding in the girl's bathroom, the one by the art room in the basement; the one with no windows and the fluorescent light that is about to burn out that keeps buzzing and flickering. I've been crying and I'm hiding in the last stall, my feet drawn up on the toilet seat so no one can see by my shoes that I'm there. I've listened while Abby Norris has said more mean things about me in two minutes than I have ever even thought about anyone else altogether in my entire life, listened while she called me horrible things and her friends laughed and I wished I could become invisible, or die, or at least move back to Greenwood where I didn't have a lot of friends but at least no one called me names or pushed me down on the pea gravel by the swings and tore a hole in my favorite pair of jeans, the Zena ones that didn't come from the Sears catalog or have stupid rainbows or teddy bears on the pockets. I wait until after the bell has rung before I finally get up enough courage to come out, and as soon as I am back in the hallway, there he is, one of the popular boys, the one who eats lunch at Abby's table and is always staring out the window, probably the cutest boy in the entire school. I'm ten but I already learned long ago that the prettier they are the meaner they are. I freeze as he takes in my swollen eyes and blotchy red face and I wait for him to say something ugly, or sneer and run away and tell everyone the new girl was crying in the downstairs bathroom but he just smiles and tosses his sandy bangs back out of his eyes. _Hey you're that new girl from Greenwood, right? Your name is Jane isn't it?_ he is saying, blue eyes crinkling up as he grins at me, and I don't understand why he is being nice, everyone here has been so awful, but he reaches into the pocket of his neatly pressed khakis and pulls out a pack of Juicy Fruit gum and offers me a piece. I take it like a feral deer accepting corn from someone's hand, and as I unwrap it – I can still smell it, that distinctive tutti-frutti scent that still makes me smile eighteen years later – he is talking to me like we have been best friends from birth _I'm Roger Harrington, I'm in Miss Kovacs's class too, No one new ever moves here, this town is so boring, bet you didn't want to come here_ and I have no idea how much my life has just changed but it's the most important thing that has ever happened to me and I want to live in that moment just for a bit but too soon the memory has slipped away, and I am back to rocking Roger in his bedroom in our oh-so modern NYC apartment but I might as well be back in that green institutional bathroom as helpless his tears have made me feel.

“What happened, Roger?” I asked him once he stopped crying enough that I thought he could form words again. “Before your mom, I mean. We both know that's not where this started.”

“It started with Daphne,” Roger admitted. “She wanted us to move in together, wanted a ring. I told her I wasn't ready, that I didn't even know what the hell I was doing with the rest of my life. She started in on wanting kids again, I told her I didn't. I reminded her that I had been clear about that from the beginning. She said she didn't think I was serious, didn't everyone say they didn't want kids when they were younger. But she knew, Jane, I told her how I grew up, that I didn't want that...”

It's still 1985 in the background movie in my memory but it's a few weeks later, and Roger is coming over to my house after school for the first time. My mother greets us in her apron, offering fruit punch and bologna sandwiches cut into little triangles, and I am waiting for Roger to comment on in it all. My mother was 44 when I was born and she is an anachronism, proud to be June Cleaver in a world of career minded Maggie Seavers and Claire Huxtables. People ask if she is my grandmother sometimes and I know it bothers her, but it makes me furious because I adore her, she is the best mom I can possibly imagine, but Roger, of course, makes no such gaffe, he is charming as always. He sits politely with me at the kitchen table while we are supposed to be doing homework, making small talk with my mother while she offers him cookies _Harrington? Are you related to Alderman John Harrington?_ she asks him and of course he tells her he is, _yes, John Harrington's son, the Alderman, the Deacon over at the Sacred Day church, those Harringtons,_ and I see how his voice clips a bit and his eyes change even though he keeps right on smiling. I don't know anything about Aldermen, or that church, we're Presbyterians, but Roger and my mom exchange a look and I realize an entire conversation has been had that I probably wouldn't understand if they explained it to me. They get on famously, Roger Harrington and Marybeth Sewell, and Roger comes home with me after school from that day forward almost every day until we finally walk through the door in our caps and gowns, to a fancier punch and finger sandwiches that all of my family and none of Roger's shows up for.

“It doesn't have to be like that, you know,” I said, taking his hands in mine. “It's okay to want whatever you want but it doesn't have to be like it was in your family. You would never be like that, Roger.”

He shook his head, jaws tight, and I could see another tear escape and roll down his cheek. It made me so angry even all these years later, the things he went through, the things we were powerless to stop because of who his father was, the things I tried to so hard to protect him from. He always seemed so strong then, like he was made of Teflon, like none of it ever stuck. I never even understood that he needed me at all, I thought it could have been any friend who would have taken him in. I was so naive. It took me years and a lot of life experience to really understand how much damage was done, and the more I sat here and looked at him the more the memories kept flooding in.

It's 1990 and we're in high school finally, underclassmen but we don't care, we're happy to have left middle school behind. The spring dance is coming up but Roger won't be going, he isn't allowed to go to school dances, he isn't allowed to dance at all or listen to popular music even though we dance in my family's den to New Kids On The Block and he has a secret collection of mixtapes in a box underneath my bed. I know I won't get asked. I'm skinny and awkward and I've gone back to being invisible, which isn't great but at least Abby Norris doesn't bother me much anymore. We are our own private club anyway, we plan the parties we will have when we are grown in film school and living in LA, with all the fabulous connections we will make, and that's what we're doing now, gigging over imaginary menus and star-studded guests lists as we help my mother make meatloaf in the warm kitchen on Calavera Street. My father comes home from work early, he will retire in a few years from the accounting position at the supply company he loves so much, but for now, he is still working, shuffling through the door at the end of his day with a _Where's my Janey?_ and I am still enough of a daddy's girl to throw myself into his arms and take his hat from him. He starts telling jokes, those terrible ubiquitous dad jokes, while he looks over our shoulders, Roger peeling potatoes while I chop them _What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite!_ and when he chortles out the punchline he claps Roger on the back. Roger is already taller than my dad but still thin from the growth spurt, and though I expect him to collapse a bit under the force of the blow I am not prepared when he bleats like a frightened lamb, dropping the potato peeler and falling forward onto the counter, covering his head. Everything stops and I swear I can hear the big Westminster clock on the dining room wall ticking away the seconds before my father moves carefully, oh so carefully to Roger, placing his hand reassuringly on his shoulder as they make weighty eye contact. Roger's hand is shaking as he moves my father's aside and turns around, shoulders hunched forward, gripping the counter as he gives my father permission to do something he cannot do himself. They are both facing me, and I can see Roger's eyes, wet and gray, staring straight into my own, unwavering, and behind him my father's eyes as he lifts Roger's neat plaid shirt, eyes that go round as his face pales. He never says a word, just takes his jacket and hat off the hook by the door and walks out, not returning again until eleven o'clock that night, after my mother has made us Rice Krispie treats and let us watch TV while she did all the washing up and made up the trundle bed before sending us upstairs for the night. It's not the first time that this has happened, but it is the worst. I don't know what is said when he comes back, we can hear my parents speaking in hushed tones in the kitchen while Roger and I lie awake in my room, staring at the glow in the dark plastic stars on my ceiling. I know that my father has made many phone calls about Roger by this point in our lives, but it never changes anything. After this night, however, Roger is with us more than ever, and even though he only stays over a few nights a week at first my mother converts Mitch's old room into one for Roger, and he decorates it with all the things he isn't allowed to like at home.

“It's okay, Jane. She wasn't the one for me, she was never going to be. But the things she said... I know she was angry. But she said I was exhausting. That all I did was take from the people around me.”

“That's not true at all!” I protested. Roger was one the kindest and most generous people I had ever known. If Daphne had said that to him it had to have been done purposely just to upset him. “You know she was just saying that, right?”

Roger shook his head. “I am too dependent on other people for my happiness, Jane. She's right.”

“Fuck that heinous cow, she was not right. We're not meant to be islands, Roger. It's okay to need people.”

“I'm too dependent on you. In eighteen years I don't think I've made a move without you, certainly not any important one. It doesn't matter what is going on, in the back of my mind it's always “Wait and see what Jane thinks” or “You should ask Jane first” before I can do anything. And I am not sure anymore if that's the best thing for us but the biggest part of me doesn't care. I don't want to do anything if it's not with you.”

“I understand, Roger. I have these thoughts too sometimes, but I'm with you. I don't care. You're my person.”

“How are we ever going to find someone else then? If I'm devoted to you and you're devoted to me, where does that leave room in our lives for anyone else?”

“The right person will fit in, Roger. You're like a sibling I'm close to. No one would demand I ditch you if you were my brother. Shannon doesn't expect me to ditch you. Someone will come along for you that understands our bond too.”

Roger got a look on his face like I had tried to feed him broccoli sauteed in earwax. “Fuck you and Shannon. That is not the relationship you think it is Jane.”

“What the hell, Roger? Again? Could you maybe give it a chance?”

Roger let out a loud growl before picking up one of his pillows and hurling it to the floor. “That's not what the fuck I mean! Shannon isn't the problem, Janey. You are!”

“What are you talking about?” I demanded.

“You planned it all out. You were the one that gave us direction, you were the one with the goals that knew how to get there. I just wanted out. So I held on to you as tight as I could and off we went. And we did it, Jane. You've been published, I've made my career. So now what? We didn't plan past this. We're just 28. We can't be done.”

“We aren't done, Rog.”

“Then what? Because all you've done since you got that book contract is the same thing you've done in your love life. You just ricochet around like a pinball, bouncing off whatever you bump into, whatever guy you bump into. You're with Shannon because you bumped into him again. You keep typing on the laptop but you don't know what you're writing anymore. You don't have a plan. I don't have a plan. I don't even know what I want. I never expected to get this far.”

“It's not like that. I've been going full speed since I was a kid. I'm just catching my breath.”

“And what happens to me when your next plan doesn't include me?”

“I would never not include you.”

“It's funny. I never worried about us when you were with Angus. I knew he would never be there for you like I was. But with Shannon, I don't know Jane. You're all over the place with him but you get so obsessed. He's the only guy that's ever made me scared you'd leave me.”

“Roger I could never leave you.”

“Of course you could. You could throw me aside the same as anyone. My family did. You're not even related to me.”

“Fuck them, every last fucking one of them. They are horrible excuses for human beings and I am so sorry you had to be born into that family but FUCK THEM. You're a Sewell, Roger. Ask my mom. Ask my dad. Hell, ask Mitch. I will never ever ever let you go. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you. If it means I never find another boyfriend then so be it. I choose you.”

We didn't say anything else. I had more questions, I wanted to know what he had done the previous night, but instead I held Roger until he cried himself out and finally fell asleep out of exhaustion. I got Shannon to come help me tuck him into bed and then afterward I poured us both a drink and sat up until three in the morning alternating between explaining to Shannon what was going on, what Roger's childhood had been like, and checking on Roger. Shannon seemed to understand, but I knew he'd had a rough childhood as well, with troubled relationships with the various father figures in his life, so I figured if anyone was going to get it was going to be Shannon.

If he minded that his visit had been filled with dealing with Roger and his issues Shannon never said so. I apologized about not getting to go out but he just shushed me and took me to bed, holding me tightly as our bodies moved together, letting me grip him like an anchor in a rough sea. Maybe I didn't have a plan, maybe I had bounced into Shannon and lost what little focus I had left. That didn't mean I couldn't get a new one. Being without a plan for a while didn't sound like the worst thing in the world. I had always been wound a little too tightly anyway. Maybe it was time to take a step back, relax, go with the flow. As long as I could hold onto Shannon and Roger I thought everything would be fine.

 

When I got up late the next morning Roger was already up, hunched over a mug of coffee at the kitchen island. I poured myself a mug and sat down next to him, feeling as exhausted and hungover as if I had partied all night. We didn't talk, just periodically leaned into each other for a nuzzle, and when he got up for a refill he topped me off too. Shannon eventually joined us, pouring a mug and sitting down on the other side of me, sensing the mood enough to leave the silence unbroken. Eventually we began discussing food, and we were halfway through our late breakfast when the doorbell rang.

Jared was supposed to be picking up Shannon on his way through the city to their next stop. He wasn't supposed to be showing up until that afternoon, however. We had planned to have Shannon packed and ready to go, to minimize any contact between Jared and Roger if necessary but when the person on the other side of the door turned out to be Jared hours ahead of schedule that plan went out the window. Hoping for the best I gave him a big hug and invited him in.

“Nice place,” Jared said as he peeked around, avoiding looking directly at Roger. Roger scooped up his plate and mug and put them in the sink before heading back to his bedroom without a word.

“Sorry man, I'm not ready to go. Wasn't expecting you til later,” Shannon apologized as he wolfed down the rest of his eggs. “Give me just a minute and I'll gather things up.”

“No hurry,” Jared said, turning over a small pewter sculpture that sat on the long shelf by the door and glancing in the direction Roger had disappeared to. “Finished up early and thought I'd come by and see how everyone was.”

Shannon nodded and walked back toward the bedroom and I led Jared over to the newly vacated kitchen island, offering him some tea. As I put the kettle on I kept catching him looking down the hallway, biting at his cuticles and generally paying no attention to the small talk I was trying to make. I sat his mug and the tea bags down in front of him with a sigh. “You came here early on purpose, didn't you,” I accused. Jared shrugged. “It's really not the best time,” I explained.

“Look, I know he's pissed at me. I kind of made an ass of myself the last time I saw him. I just want to apologize, that's all.”

“No offense, Jared, but he has bigger problems right now.”

“Do you think he'll talk to me? Would you ask him? I swear I just want to make sure we're good.”

I sighed again. I wanted to protect Roger, but honestly, I didn't know what was going on between the two of them, and if Shannon had a rough enough childhood to understand where Roger was coming from, well I figured Jared shared that childhood too. Maybe they could do each other some good. “I'll ask,” I agreed, but then Roger came back out of his room, fully dressed, and he grabbed Jared by the hand and led him back with him. With one more sigh, I poured the hot water down the sink and went to help Shannon pack.

 

 


	41. Chapter 41

Jared's POV:

 

 

Without a word Roger pulled me into his bedroom, shutting the door firmly behind us and turning the lock. Like the rest of the apartment it was decorated in tones of charcoal and slate with wood accents, understated and urban, and although it didn't seem much like Jane, it did seem to suit Roger quite well. “I like your place,” I told him. “Did you guys hire a decorator or did you do it yourself?”

“I mostly did it myself,” Roger confirmed. “In bits and pieces over time but I'm pretty happy with where I've gotten it right now. I've always had an eye, it just took a while before I had the money to do things the way I wanted to.”

“I guess that's not an issue now,” I pointed out. “You've really done well for yourself. Your career, I mean. I'm kind of surprised you and Jane still live together, actually. I know it's none of my business but by my estimation, either one of you could easily afford your own place, even in Manhattan”

A lot had changed since the first time I met Roger and Jane, not just their financial circumstances. I had been a little taken with him right from the start, he was witty and fun, bright and sharp, and if I hadn't already been knee deep in the first Jane mess then things might have gone a little differently. We were very different people now than when we had started but I had enjoyed reconnecting with him. When he called to check up on Jane after the whole Angus gossip debacle, we found ourselves talking again and things just clicked. We had a lot of similarities, Roger and I, and we got each other in a way that I don't think a lot of other people did. When he told me about his breakup with Daphne and I invited him to come hang out for a while and get his mind off things, I swear I didn't have any ulterior motives. Things just happened. But watching Roger jump the rails like a speeding commuter train reminded me how fast my train was going too, and how quickly it could all fall apart.

Roger considered my statement then shrugged. “I don't think we ever really even considered being apart. We've been together so long. We don't get to see each other much when we're working though – I travel a lot and when she's promoting her work she does too.” He gave me a wry smile, that sharpness of his seemingly directed inwards today. “A therapist would probably tell you we're co-dependent. Plus I'm pretty sure I'm depressed and I have abandonment and daddy issues. But hey, who's keeping track?”

He sat down on the bed and I joined him, thinking about the assortment of “daddy issues” I had collected myself over time. “I have the “out the door before I was even born” variety,” I confessed. “What kind do you have?”

“The “beat the insolent, blasphemous queer out of him with a two-inch barber strop” kind,” Roger said matter-of-factly before breaking into a dangerous grin. “Didn't work.”

“Fuck, I'm sorry.” I wondered if I should tell him about my experiences with my stepfather, but there was something in his demeanor today that told me he probably didn't want to commiserate. It had only been two weeks since I had seen him last, but he looked thinner and paler and tired, and I was reminded of Jane's misgivings moments before. I wanted to ask if he was okay, but it was a stupid question. He obviously wasn't okay, I just didn't know what to say. Everything felt awkward, like visiting the bedside of a friend who had just been diagnosed with cancer. You wanted to help, you wanted to reassure them, but you didn't quite know how, and in the back of your mind you're just busy being grateful it's not you. I decided to just keep feeling my way forward. “That must have been a hell of a way to grow up.”

“Wouldn't be so bad if the rest of the lot of them weren't completely brainwashed by that so-called church of theirs. I'm the youngest you know, I have four brothers and three sisters. None of them speak to me.”

This was more about Roger and his life than he had shared in all of the time we had spent together. I hadn't known he had any siblings at all, let alone seven of them. It hurt to know that it took him coming apart to trust me with something so mundane. It hurt even more to know that it would take something similar for me to be this honest. At least I could sit here and listen. He seemed to need that right now. “Again man, I'm sorry. That's pretty fucked up...”

“It isn't even because of that church though. Not really,” he continued, picking at the bedspread underneath him while he avoided my eyes. “I mean they're pretty full of poisonous ideas about a lot of bullshit, don't get me wrong. But see, my unforgivable sin was rocking the boat. I didn't do enough to cover for my father when people questioned what was happening. Not that I actually told on him, or that he got into any trouble over it. The congregation is good at circling their wagons if nothing else. But he was inconvenienced, and you know, we can't inconvenience John Harrington.” He gave a small laugh. “Or maybe it is their church after all. Honor thy father and mother. No matter what they do or if they deserve it.”

“Fuck your old man,” I told him. “Pretty sure you're better off.”

“Yeah, so am I. But I'm not going to pretend like it doesn't hurt to lose the rest of them too. You know my mother died, a few weeks ago. My sister Marsha called to tell me about it the night before the funeral, just to make sure I knew I shouldn't come home. I'm not welcome.” Whatever little bit of stoicism he had been trying to hold on to melted away and his voice started to break. “She was my mother. I thought that meant something. I didn't even know she was sick. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't even...”

“What would you have said to her?” I asked him. I couldn't wrap my head around where he was right now. If I had been raised by those people, if I had been treated like that, I don't think I would have given a shit if any of them died. Obviously, though, he still carried a lot of hurt from it all. I thought maybe saying out loud what he would have said to her might help. I hated to see him floundering like this.

Roger swallowed deeply and gave his head a little shake. “I don't know. Part of me wants her to hug me and tell me she still loved me, in spite of everything. Part of me wants to scream at her and ask her why she never stood up for me. Either way...” He swallowed again, and quickly wiped his cheek. “It doesn't matter. She never took me back, she threw me away and I'm never going to get that answer now.”

I probably shouldn't have done it, Roger had made it very clear he was through with me when we parted in Wisconsin, but I leaned over and slipped my arms around him, pulling him up against me. “You are not some thing to just be discarded, Rog. You are amazing. I am so sorry they don't see that but that's on them not you.” He was shaking and I think fighting back tears, and I gave him a little kiss on the side of his face, right by his ear. I meant it to be reassuring. He didn't take it that way.

Roger pulled away from me and sat up with a defeated sigh. “Yeah, sure. Whatever.” His face had gone slack and his glassy eyes avoided my gaze. “Like it even fucking matters anymore. I guess we're just back to finding something to fill the ache.” He pulled his t-shirt over his head and tossed it across the room. “Do or don't, it's not like it changes anything, so what the hell. I mean you did come all this way.”

“What? No, that's not what I fucking meant. That's not even why I'm here.” I was horrified by the casual, detached way he seemed to be offering his body up to me. I got up and picked up his shirt, and as I handed it back to him I noticed how marked up his chest and back were. I don't think I was the only one he had made this offer to recently. “What's happening to you, Roger?” I didn't know what to say, I knew I was drawing a lot of conclusions but I had seen a few people hit rock bottom before and if Roger wasn't there already he was dangerously close. I reached forward before I realized what I was doing, my fingers tracing over a bite mark on his shoulder. He immediately jerked back away from me.

“Fuck you, what did Jane fucking say to you?” Roger snapped, his mood swinging around in an instant. He hastily pulled his shirt back on. “It's not like she thinks. She's such a fucking idealist. She doesn't get what it's like for the rest of us...”

“Okay stop. Please. Jane didn't say anything to me. I honestly just came down here to apologize to you. I was an asshole when you left that morning and I'm really sorry about it. I just wanted to make sure we're good.”

“Yeah sure, we're fine,” Roger mumbled. “Sorry to interrupt your plans. Feel better about yourself yet?”

I wanted to snap. He was being impossible, opening up and shutting down again so fast I couldn't hope to keep up. I fought back the urge to storm out. “Not really. But that's not why I'm here. I mean it, Roger. I'm sorry for the way I acted when you left. I like you a lot. I'd like it if we were friends. I can find a piece of ass anywhere. Friends are a little harder.”

“A spectacular piece of ass,” Roger protested with just a hint of a smile.

I laughed. “Yeah, okay, a spectacular piece of ass. But I think maybe a good friend. I could really use one of those right now. It looks like maybe you could too.”

“Maybe.”

“I'm trying to be less of a self-involved prick. Granted, it's not going very well...” I confessed with a shrug. “I am who I am. But I'm trying.”

“You're not that self-involved,” he conceded. “As a matter of fact, you've mostly been really kind when I've been around. You're just focused and I think you forget other people more than you mean to. It's still kind of shitty but it's fixable and you're a good person underneath it all.”

“Thanks, I think.”

“Sure. Don't mention it.” He sighed and leaned back on the bed. “Are you sure she didn't say anything to you? Jane, I mean.”

I shook my head. “She said it wasn't a good time when I told her I wanted to talk to you. That's all. I know this is a stupid question, but I don't know how else to ask. Are you okay? I mean, is there anything you want to talk about? Can I help somehow?”

“I don't know. I'm trying to sort it all out. Jane's all wrapped up in Shannon and I'm pretty sure that's not a good thing but she's not listening to me so there's nothing I can do there.”

I tried to keep my face neutral. Roger didn't know the half of it. Shannon was my brother and knew I had to have his back but I was certain Jane would not have been cool with the way he had behaving on tour without her if she knew. I had considered spilling the beans when I had spoken to her on the phone. I had thought about maybe just leaving hints. I was thinking about it now, but it wasn't my secret to tell. I had warned Shannon, however, that if he fucked this up Jane was, in my opinion, fair game. I had only ever agreed to back off from her in the beginning. Recent misjudgments aside, Jane had only improved with age in my opinion. I didn't hold out a lot of hope, once she had finally seen Shannon it seemed that she only ever had eyes for him. But I could see the way things were going, with or without my interference. Time would tell how it all played out.

“She has made the plans and I have followed for most of our lives,” Roger went on. “Which is fine but, again, she's all wrapped up in Shannon and I don't think she knows where she's going anymore.”

“So make your own plans,” I suggested. “There must be something you want to do.”

Roger smiled. “Co-dependent, remember? But I have been branching out.”

He just continued to sit there with that wry smile on his face. “Are you going to tell me into what or do I have to guess the password or something?”

“I'm kind of embarrassed, actually. Especially since it's you. When I was a kid, I wanted to be an actor. I was in a few school plays but I was really awful at it. I mean really, truly awful,” he confessed. “But Daphne was hounding me about branching out. She really was just fame chasing and thought I could be her ticket, she thought I could get into acting, and as far as she was concerned that was better than just being a model. I tried to tell her how bad at it I was but she just kept hounding me, so eventually I agreed to take lessons. I'm finding out I actually like it, and I'm not as awful as I thought, I was just clueless. I've really been putting a lot of work into but I think it's paying off.”

“You know, that's always been my plan. I just throw myself really hard at things. If you like it and you're willing to work for it I absolutely think you can do it.”

Roger laughed. “Okay, let's not pretend like you aren't gifted as hell. I believe you work for it but we are not exactly starting from the same place.”

“You have no idea where I started from,” I told him. It didn't feel like the right time now but I promised myself soon I would sit down with him and tell him about my early days in L.A. “But you're right, it wasn't the same place. You have a lot more resources now than I had then. It's going to play out differently than it did for me. Is the class going well?”

Roger blushed. It seemed strange on him. “Well, I was in this play this spring. The play was terrible but I got some good mentions in reviews. But...” He took a deep breath. “Turns out I had a flair for something I would never have suspected. I'm going to be doing Shakespeare. It's a fall festival and then some traveling. The director I'm working with is grooming me to come back and do Shakespeare in the park for the season next summer...”

“Seriously? That's amazing! That's a huge deal!” I was really impressed. For someone with Roger's experience level to be getting this kind of an opportunity, he had to be good. “Don't even try to tell me you aren't talented. This wouldn't be happening if you weren't.”

Roger shrugged but I could the smile on his face. This meant a lot to him, and he was proud of it. Probably more so since it was a childhood dream he never thought he was going to be able to chase. “Why hasn't Jane mentioned it?” I asked suspiciously.

“She doesn't know yet. It's going to be a lot of work and travel and I probably won't see her much this year. With everything she's been through, I feel like I'm abandoning her. I'm thinking of turning them down.”

“Don't you fucking dare. She would not want that."

“She'd give me her oxygen tank if she was drowning. Doesn't mean I should take it.”

“Look, I know it's not any of my business, but we're having this discussion so you're getting my opinion anyway. You need to do this. You two need to cut the cord a little bit. You're both a lot stronger than you think you are but you're never going to know it if you don't try to stand up on your own. This is your dream. Chase it. I bet you'll be amazing.” Roger shrugged. “What play? What part?” I asked.

“Of all the parts in all the plays, which one would you cast me in?”

I thought about it for a minute. I wasn't a huge Shakespeare fan, but as my mind wandered back to high school English classes one part did indeed stand out. “Puck.” I ventured.

Roger laughed and smiled. “Give the man a prize. Midsummer Nights Dream it is.”

I laughed back, enjoying seeing him smile. “You are going to be perfect. Send me dates and locations and I'll try to make a show.”

“I will.” He nodded but then the smile started to fade and his face started to darken again. “I'm afraid though. Things have gone really well for me so far. Better than they should have. It feels a little cliché, the model/actor thing, and it feels a little greedy to chase something else. Like I'm just tempting fate.”

This was one area I was very familiar with. “Look. Not everyone fits in one box. You can't let your expectations be shaped by what everyone else thinks you should be doing. You especially can't let fear of failure stop you from chasing something you want. Besides, failure is a great teacher. You learn as much from failing as you do from succeeding. Probably more." He looked so uncertain, and I knew that confidence that he normally seemed to be brimming with was in short supply. Now was the time he was going to need it. I wanted to hug him again but I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. “I think this is exactly what you need right now. A sense of direction and purpose, and one that wasn't assigned to you by Jane.”

“I don't want her to think I'm abandoning her.”

“She won't. She's going to be proud of you and excited for you. You'll see.”

He let out a breath he had been holding. “Thanks. For listening to all this. For being a friend.” Roger leaned forward and hugged me this time, and I pulled him in as tightly as I could. I felt better about things than when I had walked in there but I wasn't put off by the slight uptick in his mood. I was still very worried.

When he let me go I tried to measure where we were at. I knew Shannon would be ready to hit the road soon, but I wasn't ready to leave Roger just yet. I forged ahead one more time. “Can I ask you some things?” I ventured.

Roger sighed in obvious anticipation of where this was going. “Go ahead,” he replied.

“Are you okay? I mean I know you're going through some things right now, but are you safe? Can you be left alone? Are you going to do anything stupid?”

“I'm not going to off myself if that's what you're asking," he replied gruffly.

“No, that's not what I asked. There are a lot of dumbass, self-destructive, bad decisions you can make short of that. You're hurt and you're angry and you're turning it in on yourself and I'm really fucking worried.”

“She did say something.”

“No, Roger, Jane did not tell me shit. Why? What is there to tell? What did you do?”

Roger closed his eyes and exhaled shakily. “Something I won't do again. I promise.”

“Until the next time temptation comes along?” Roger didn't reply. He obviously wasn't going to tell me what happened. From the way he had reacted, I figured it had to do with those marks on his skin. “Okay, make a deal with me. Promise me that you will stay safe, that you won't do anything stupid, and that if you think you're going to you will call me. Day or night, it doesn't matter. I want you to call me. And I want you to promise to see someone.”

Roger huffed and shook his head. “Like a therapist?”

“Yes, like a therapist. Jesus, you said it yourself, you're probably depressed, you're in a bad place. You need to talk to someone. A professional. Promise me.”

He was quiet, and I watched him turning everything over in his head. “Fine,” he finally conceded. “I'll call around on Monday.”

“Thank you.” I gave him another hug, now that he had given me one and I knew it would be okay.

“You're a good friend you know.”

“And a spectacular lay,” I added with a laugh as I tilted my head and bit my bottom lip. Roger broke into laughter again.

“Spectacular asshole is more like it,” he said as he gave me a gentle shove.

 

 


	42. Chapter 42

 

After Shannon and Jared left, Roger and I spent a very long evening sitting up together in the living room. I tried to get him talking but he wasn't ready, and I wasn't ready to leave him alone, and so we stayed there together in a sort of stalemate, drinking tea and making superficial chit-chat. When hunger started to get the better of us Roger ordered some Thai food and went to take a shower. While I waited I pulled sheets and blankets and old Christmas lights out of the closet and crafted a giant blanket fort in the living room. It was silly but I was at loose ends and was ready to grasp at whatever bit of comfort I could find. Roger couldn't stop laughing when he came out to find it. The sound was amazing.

After an exhausting few days and with full stomachs we ended up falling asleep in the twinkling recesses of our makeshift hideaway. When I woke up the next morning Roger had already left. He stayed out all day, and every day after that for the rest of the week, without explanation, coming home in time to eat, sleep and do it all again the next day. I found myself once again in the frustrated position of being on the phone with Jared, demanding to know what had gone on between the two of them. Of course, I didn't get any more answers than I had any other time. At least Roger's mood had shifted away from dangerous to simply puzzling.

Roger drove me to see the guys for a few more dates on the tour. The tour itself was floundering, dates were being canceled, locations changed, and things weren't going well overall. However, the guys still seemed to be completely unbothered. The crowds for their shows were always enthusiastic and they seemed to be picking up momentum, Jared planning out their next moves with that same manic energy he always had. He invited Roger and me to come visit him late that fall when he was going to be working in Morocco and the band was going to be working on the new album around his shooting schedule. Roger said he'd have to see if he could “work it in”, and the two of them exchanged mysterious looks that I was getting entirely sick of.

One thing was clear. Whatever their relationship had been before, Jared and Roger were now buddies, co-conspirators in some scheme the rest of weren't allowed in on. They would sit together gossiping and giggling like teenage girls, hitting the local bar scenes together or picking girls out of the lineup at the bus lot like they were shopping for dinner. I tried so hard not be judgmental or jealous, it wasn't as if I usually objected when Roger had other friends, but Jared had become a bit of a confidant to me too over the last month, and to lose him when Roger was already shutting me out made my stomach sour. It did drive me that much harder into Shannon's arms. There, at least, things seemed to be settling down.

As time progressed and Shannon I got to know each other again, the novelty began to wear off and we began to find our rhythm more as a couple, exactly as I had predicted. Aside from the dates where Roger and I had joined up with the tour to visit with them, Shannon came to visit me in New York again twice, and instead of spending it cooped up in my apartment we managed to get out and take on the town a bit, meeting up with some friends, dining out, even clubbing one night. It was reassuring, to think we could find ways to fit into each other's lives so easily. Everything was going well, as long as I didn't look too closely or start picking at threads, and I was very good at not looking too closely at things that challenged my worldview or threatened the status quo. So I did just that, trusting that Jared had Roger's back, that Shannon and I were meant to be, that careers and life would fall into place as long as we all just kept moving forward. I kept plowing on, head down, making the same mistakes I always had and ignoring the bomb that was ticking away underneath it all.

Lollapalooza eventually wound it's way back to Southern California by mid-August. I hadn't been back there except for a couple stops on my book tour since we moved away and I wanted to make arrangements to fly out for an entire week. Roger insisted he couldn't get free for that long, that he could come out for the first show but he would have to fly right back, but he was unwilling to tell me what he was working on or what his schedule looked like. When my doctor unexpectedly freed me from any further restrictions ahead of schedule I seized on the opportunity, booking hotels and making travel arrangements of my own. I figured I would fly out with Roger, then drive him to the airport when his visit was over, returning to rejoin Shannon. I decided against telling Roger ahead of time. He was unlikely to be thrilled with me flying back without him, as much as he was ignoring me he was still extremely overprotective, and I figured if he could have secrets then so could I.

We were meeting up with the guys in Phoenix and then continuing on to the California dates. When we took our seats next to each other on the plane, I had prepared myself for an awkward six hours of talking with Roger about nothing again. He surprised me when thirty minutes out of the gate he downed his vodka tonic, turned in his seat and said: “Okay, we need to talk.”

“You're damn right we do,” I agreed. “Although I wonder what it is you think we need to talk about. I bet it's not the same thing I think we need to talk about.”

“Jane, we haven't even started the discussion and you're already turning it into an argument. I can't imagine why I've been reluctant.”

I scowled at him and took a sip of my own drink. “Don't put this on me. I've been begging to listen to whatever you had to say for weeks now. Please just talk to me, Rog. I've been so worried. I promise I'll listen to you, no matter what it is.”

“I love you, Jane. It's really important that you understand how much I love you. I don't know where I would have ended up if it weren't for you and your family.”

“I already don't think I like where this is going.”

Roger sighed. "It's not going anywhere yet."

I rolled my eyes. "I love you, BUT...."

“Jane you promised," Roger admonished.

“Sorry."

Roger took a deep breath and started again. “I'm sorry I've been so difficult lately. I've been trying to sort through some things. While you were out on tour, Daphne and I had this really big, ugly fight.”

My brain practically shouted "Ah-ha". “I knew it!" I said. "I knew she didn't just say she was tired of you and left!”

“Jane!” Roger snapped.

I really was not making this easy for him. “Sorry, shutting up now.”

Roger waited to be sure I didn't have anything else to add before resuming once again. “She said a lot of things that were complete bullshit, just meant to hurt me. But she said some truthful things too. She pointed out how dependent on each other we were. How we didn't make room in our lives for anyone else, and that I don't invest myself in any relationships except with you.”

“Now that's complete bullshit. We have friends. We date.”

“I have coworkers I party with. You hang out with the same people I do. You network a bit for work but that's it. Do we really have friends anymore?”

I could feel my throat starting to close. I knew that bitch was going to get in between us long before this. She had just been waiting for an opportunity to get in Roger's head. “Is there some required minimum number of friends now? Did I miss a memo?"I demanded. "Angus was our friend, look how that turned out. It's always been us, Roger. At least for me, it has. You're the social butterfly, not me. You were always popular, even when we were kids, even with your crazy-ass religious nut parents. I guess once again I need you a lot more than you need me," I sulked.

“Don't start that shit, Janey. You know how much I needed you. I still do. I don't want to lose you either." I could hear the frustration in his voice but I knew I was right. She had gotten in his head and I was going to lose him because of it. "And what she said didn't bother me too much at the time. It was Daphne, after all, and I was never that serious about her., and even I was going to get serious about someone it would never have been Daphne. Not in the way she wanted me to be. But she was good company, she was fun, she kept me from being lonely and I wasn't ready to be single again. Plus I don't think I've ever dumped anyone. I'm always the dumpee. Which, she's right, I don't bother because I don't think I can keep it going. But I should be trying.”

“Well then try, Roger. I'm not stopping you. I've been encouraging you to find someone, remember?”

“You have been encouraging me to get with Jared. Which, first of all, I cannot explain to you enough how much I do not want to be Jared's boyfriend. Not that he wants me to anyway. Neither of us wants that, stop pushing. You only want me to get with him in the first place because it's convenient for you. You'll have Shannon, I'll have Jared, and the four of us can be our own little co-dependent miasma of romantic failure.”

“What the fuck?" I was trying not to raise my voice but it was getting more and more difficult. Roger was making me sound like a selfish bitch when I really wanted was for him to find someone that could be for him what I couldn't. Someone who understood how incredible he was. "That's not fair to any of us. You two obviously get along, I don't know what the hell the big deal is about thinking you'd be great together....”

“Because you are so good at picking romantic partners? For fuck's sake, Jane. How many times do I have to be right about your boyfriends before you'll listen to me? I mean sure, Shannon is definitely an upgrade from Angus, but a good vibrator would be an upgrade from Angus.”

“Fuck you." I could feel tears starting to sting my eyes. "If you're going to dump me Roger just do it. Don't keep twisting the knife to see how far in it will go.”

Roger growled and gritted his teeth, trying to keep his voice level. No wonder he had waited until the flight to tell me. I couldn't get away from him, I couldn't avoid the conversation, and I couldn't lose my cool without having a plane full of strangers staring at me. I wanted to throw something at him. “My god woman, stop being so fucking dramatic. I am not dumping you. I told you I love you. I am not flying across the country with you because I don't want to hang out anymore!”

“I thought you were flying across the country to hang with your new BFF Jared," I groused. I knew how petty I sounded. I didn't care.

“Jesus. We're still twelve. Both of us. Daphne is right. We grabbed on to each other and never looked back and now neither one of has any idea how to have a healthy relationship with anyone else or how to play with the other kids.”

“If you say Daphne was right one more time I swear you're going to wear this drink," I hissed. "I don't want to play with the other kids. The other kids are mean.”

Roger rolled his eyes. “They're grown-ups now, Jane.”

“That doesn't mean they're not still mean.”

Roger sighed and his voice became matter-of-fact. “I got a new job. I'm going to be gone most of this year traveling for it. One way or the other we are going to learn to be grown-ups, Jane.”

“So you are dumping me.”

“I knew you were going to be like this. Jared said you'd understand but I knew as soon as I tried to tell you...”

Jesus, this just kept getting better and better. “Jared knows about this? You talked to him about this before you came to me?”

“Why do you think that is Jane?” Roger replied.

I wiped the tears from my face and looked desperately around the cabin for somewhere to get away from him but the flight was packed, and now I was stuck spending the next five hours sitting next to someone who wanted more than anything to get away from me. I fished my iPod out of my bag and put my headphones in, pulling my arms around me as I turned my back to Roger. Everything was falling to pieces. Losing Roger was the worst thing in the world I could possibly imagine. I tried to focus on getting through the flight so I could throw myself into Shannon's arms.

 

Roger tried to start up a conversation as the plane was deboarding, but I knew if I tried to talk to him I would completely lose the tiny bit of composure I was clinging to. He tried again in the rental car on the way to check into the hotel but I was at a loss as to what to say to him. I could feel him slipping further away by the second.

Everyone was already at the hotel when we got there. I was checking in when Shannon stepped off the elevator into the lobby and I dropped everything at the desk to run into his arms, the tears I had been barely holding back flooding out.

“Hey,” he said, pulling my hair back from my face and wiping my cheeks. “What's wrong? What happened?”

“I'm an asshole,” Roger said dryly as he signed for our room.

“Is this about the Shakespeare thing?” Shannon asked.

“The what? The Shakespeare thing?” I whirled on Roger. “Is that what this is about? Are you acting again? Why the fuck does Shannon know more about what's going on with you than I do?”

“I don't know,” Roger replied through gritted teeth as he saw Jared getting off the elevator.

“You didn't know?” Shannon asked.

“Hey, guys!” Jared said brightly as he approached, completely misreading the room. I grabbed my luggage and thrust some of it at Shannon before practically running for the elevator. I missed the doors and stood there punching the buttons in desperation as my eyes again filled with tears. I could hear Roger and Jared arguing in the background and I knew we were causing a scene. I just wanted to get out of that lobby as quickly as possible. I felt Shannon wrap around me from behind, his strong arms closing in front of me and pulling my back against his chest. I grabbed his hands and closed my eyes, waiting for the soft ding that would signal the doors opening. Once we stepped inside I turned around and opened my eyes to see Jared and Roger almost ready to board.

“Better take the next one guys,” Shannon said as he hit the door close button. Roger threw up his hands in annoyance but Jared just nodded.

Shannon had the good sense to wait until we were back in his room before asking me what the hell had happened. I tried to explain the fight on the plane as best I could but I was blubbering and shaking and frankly still confused as to what the hell was actually happening. Finally, he went and started a shower, guiding me through disrobing before pulling me under the steamy water and wrapping himself around me again. “It's going to be okay,” he assured me as he rubbed my shoulders and kissed my forehead. “Roger loves you. You two are going to sort this out.” His voice was certain. I was not.

Once I was showered and calmed down we decided to stay in and order room service. As we ate Shannon explained to me everything that Jared had told him about Roger's upcoming theater work, which was, of course, miles more than Roger had told me. I recounted the argument on the flight again, making at least a little more sense this time, even though I was still puzzled by what seemed to me to be a sudden and dramatic shift in Roger's attitude. I did leave out the part where Roger equated Shannon to a good vibrator.

While we were returning everything to the room service cart there was a knock on the door. Assuming the attendant had come to claim the remnants of the meal, I opened the door without thinking. Jared was on the other side.

“Well, if it isn't the other woman,” I said.

“Can I come in?” he asked.

“No.”

“Jane, this is not my fault. I've been telling him to level with you ever since he said something to me.”

“I don't want to talk about this with you, Jared. It's none of your business.”

“That's what's got you so pissed, isn't it Jane? That Roger confided in someone besides you.”

“About something this big? Damn right it is.”

“Don't you think that just proves his point?”

“Don't you think you think you should shut your fucking mouth?”

“Jesus Jane!” Shannon exclaimed. “Are you two going to go back to screaming at each other? Because I did not find that as much fun as Matt, Tomo, and the crew did.”

“Come in if you want,” I said to Jared. “I'll be in the bathroom until you leave.” I made a hasty retreat to the small inner chamber, slamming and locking the door behind me. I knew I was overreacting, and I was pretty sure I couldn't blame it on the concussion anymore. It didn't help me to reign in my emotions one bit.

I listened to the hushed voices in the room as Shannon and Jared no doubt discussed mine and Roger's feud and what to do about it. When things got quiet and I heard a door shut I finally reemerged to find Shannon turning the bed down.

“Hey,” he said softly. “Are you going to be okay?”

I shook my head and kicked off my slippers before climbing under the blankets. It was early but my day had been an exhausting disaster and the time difference had me messed up. Shannon didn't argue, just climbed into bed behind me, pulling me against him to be the little spoon. “I don't want to talk about it anymore tonight,” I said, preempting any further dissection of the disintegration of everything in my life that mattered to me.

“Okay, what do you want to talk about?” Shannon asked.

“I don't know. Tell me about your day.”

“Not much to tell,” he said, shifting a little bit so he could slide his arm underneath me. “We drove in late this morning, we had lunch and then an interview with the University paper, then you showed up.”

“How was the interview?” I asked.

“Fine. They asked stupid questions.”

I smiled. I had read some of the interviews the band had done. “They never ask me anything odd. It's always “Why did you become a writer, where did you get your inspiration, tell us about your book, what are you working on next. Over and over.”

Shannon chuckled from behind me. “This reporter wanted to know what superpower I'd pick if I could choose one.”

“What did you say?” I asked.

“I said I'd want to fly. Or maybe be invisible.”

I thought about it for a minute. “People always pick things like that. Flying, invisibility, super strength. Which is great I guess but then you'd spend your whole life rescuing other people. Which is great too but...” I trailed off. “Maybe this sounds selfish but I think I'd just save myself. That way no one else has to.”

Shannon nuzzled my neck, planting a tiny kiss right behind my earlobe. “Doesn't sound selfish to me,” he said. “So what power would you pick?”

I clutched Shannon a little tighter and took a moment to still my voice before answering. “I'd like to know when something happens for the last time. If it's a bad thing, and it turns out it's not the last time it will happen, then I can be more prepared the next time. Like if I get into a car accident and my power doesn't kick in then I know there's another one coming and I had better make sure I'm in safe vehicles with my seatbelt on and paying attention. And if it's a good thing, then I can savor it, appreciate it. Someday I'm going to hug my dad for the last time. I can't change that. But if I knew it was the last time I'd make it a good one, you know? Memorize how it felt, the way he always whispers “love you Janey green eyes” just before he lets me go, the way his stubble always scratches me as I pull away.”

“It sounds like you're already got it memorized,” Shannon pointed out.

“But the little things too. Like the last time you went out to play with your childhood friends. Or the last time you ate at your favorite restaurant before it closed down.” I took a big breath but couldn't stop the enormous sob that spilled from my chest. “Or the last day that you were best friends with someone.”

“Oh Janey, it's going to be okay,” Shannon said as he rolled me onto my back. He kissed my cheeks and cleared the tears away before settling over me, covering me in his warm kisses, cupping my head with his broad hands. “You and Roger are still friends. You will always be friends. Everything is going to work out, you'll see. Today wasn't the last day for anything.”

I grabbed on to Shannon as tightly as I could, wrapping myself around him as I surrendered to those full, skillful lips. It was the only thing that had touched the chill that settled into my heart. I tried to tell myself he was right, I tried to let go of the dread that was eating at me as our clothes were shed and we found our rhythm. This wasn't the end. It was just a fight. It wasn't the last time for anything.

Oh, bittersweet irony.

 


	43. Chapter 43

I woke up before Shannon the next morning. It was still extremely early and when I peeked through the curtains the sky was still stuck in that light grey haze between night and morning. I felt tired and hollow, and thought about trying to go back to sleep but knew my exhaustion was the kind that sleep wouldn't fix. I had hoped things would look better the next morning, but I still felt lost and betrayed. I knew I had behaved badly myself as well. I didn't even begin to know where to start to fix it all. I just hoped that I could.

I found the room's small coffee maker and got a pot brewing. The familiar comforting smell as I opened the packet soothed my nerves a bit, and by the time I got out of the shower the brew was ready and the scent filled the cozy hotel room. I poured myself a mug and pulled one of the chairs over to the window, curling up in it's cushioned depths to watch the world wake up and do some thinking. Unfortunately, no matter how much I turned it over in my head, I couldn't see how to fix things. I knew just apologizing wasn't going to do it, our problems went deeper than that and it wasn't just one of us that was screwing up here.

“Hey,” Shannon said, kissing the top of my head. I had been so deep in thought I hadn't even noticed when he got up and I jumped a little bit at the contact. “I hope you haven't been here stewing all night,” he added.

I shook my head. “No, just a little while. There's coffee, by the way.”

“I know, I smelled it. It's nice to wake up to. I would have been nicer waking up to you still in bed with me though.”

“Sorry,” I apologized.

“Don't worry about it. But you need to get dressed, they'll be expecting us for breakfast.”

I groaned. Whenever the band stayed in a hotel nice enough to have a restaurant they always met up for a big breakfast with everyone the morning before a show. I wasn't ready to face Roger, not this early in the day. “Do we have to?”

“Yes, we have to. It will be fine. Give me a minute to get dressed and we'll go down.”

 

Breakfast was a slow, somber, tortuous affair that I should have insisted on skipping. Everyone appeared to be either exhausted or hung over, and Shannon spent most of the meal talking with Jared about some equipment changes he wanted to make. Matt kept glowering in my general direction periodically, and when I would try to catch his eyes he would quickly look away. No one else was really talking and Roger never showed up at all. Eventually, I excused myself to go back to the room to get ready for the day.

I was alone in the elevator for the ride up, and when the doors opened on our floor Roger was waiting to board. I met his eyes but I saw him lock his jaw.

“Roger...” I started, meaning to offer an apology but he stopped me.

“I'm not ready to talk to you right now Jane,” he said flatly, stepping aside for me to get off the elevator. I stood my ground.

“Please Roger, I just wanted to apologize,”

“For what, exactly? Do you even know or are you so panicked at the thought of me not speaking to you that you're just saying whatever you think I want to hear?”

“Roger...”

“Fine, I'll take the stairs.” He turned on his heel and headed down the hallway. I stepped off the elevator and called after him but he didn't even turn around, pushing through the swinging door at the end of the hall so hard that after he had disappeared through it, it slammed loudly into place behind him. Feeling hopeless, I retreated to my room to dress for the day.

 

Matt continued to give me those dark, disapproving looks whenever he passed. He had been speaking to me less and less every time I saw him on my visits, and I had wondered what I had done wrong, but I saw no reason for his behavior. “What is his problem?” I demanded from Shannon when he did it again as he walked past us after the sound check.

“I'll talk to him,” Shannon replied with a sigh.

“That's really not what I said,” I pointed out.

“Don't worry about it. I'll handle it,” was Shannon's only reply.

Matt wasn't the only one who was being strange. Kevin's girlfriend Anne lived not very far from Phoenix and she had driven out to see the show. When he introduced us she spluttered a bit and seemed very surprised to see me. For his part, Kevin seemed pretty much as he always had but he cut our conversation short, ostensibly to show Anne around some more but I was getting a weird vibe from him too. Jared and I weren't talking, Roger and I weren't talking, and Shannon wouldn't let go of me. I thought it was because he was being protective of me knowing what a hard time I was having, but after a while, I started to wonder. The only person being normal was Tomo, who was as sunny as ever and kept stopping by to give me hugs and ask if I was having a good time. I just pasted the best smile on I could and lied through my teeth that everything was fine. I was at a loss as to what else to do.

The show went pretty well, considering that it was mercilessly hot. Jared didn't have quite the bounce in his step he normally did and everyone seemed to be slowly melting. Shannon was absolutely soaked in sweat when he finally came off stage and I thought he was much more tired than usual. I knew he had been drinking water while he played but I worried about him exerting himself so much in this heat. All the guys were feeling it though so they decided to head off to the showers right then. The crew was busy breaking their gear down, of course, and when I got back to the buses I didn't expect anyone else to be around, except maybe Anne. The area was indeed empty but when I boarded the main bus I was surprised to find Roger there.

“Hi,” I said weekly as I took a seat on the small sofa across from him.

“You're a dumbass,” he said.

“Yeah, well so are you,” I replied, a small smile starting to creep in. I thought this was the start of our usual joking. I thought we were going to make up. I thought that maybe he was actually going to talk to me.

“I mean it,” Roger replied, and his voice was flatter and harsher than I was expecting.

“I know I am, Rog,” I assented. I rubbed the end of my nose and tried not to let my eyes fill with tears. I didn't want to sit through a dressing down but I was willing to do whatever it took to get him talking to me again. “I'm sorry.”

“I don't know how you can be this blind but I can't keep saving you from yourself, Janey. I think I'm doing more harm than good.” I wasn't sure what he meant by that. He shook his head and picked up a magazine that had been lying next to him, rifling through the pages far too quickly to be doing anything with it other than trying to distract himself. When he spoke again his voice was hardly more than a whisper. “You know this is hard for me too, right?”

“I'm sorry," I insisted again. "I shouldn't have freaked out on you on the plane like that. But you...” I thought I had been given a window to make my apology but once again Roger cut me off.

“It isn't even about that, Jane.”

“I don't know what you want me to say. Everything just seems to make you angrier but really, I am so sorry....”

“I told you something huge and you didn't even care.”

“You didn't tell me shit!” I protested. “You said you had a new job and you were going to be gone and end of discussion. You didn't tell me what was happening or give me a chance to get excited for you. Because I would have. I mean I am. I think it's amazing that you're getting to do this, and I swear I'll come to every performance even if I have to....”

Roger huffed and slammed the magazine down. “Dammit, Jane, no.”

“So what, am I not being supportive enough or am I being too supportive? I'm ignoring you or I'm smothering you? Make up your mind. How can I fix what is wrong if you can't tell me what the hell it is!” I felt the same sort of helpless indignation I had felt on the plane creeping back up on me.

“Maybe I should change my flight. I don't want to spend the whole time either arguing or sitting in uncomfortable silence.”

When he said that, all the fight went out of me and I broke down sobbing. He wasn't letting me talk, he wasn't listening to me, he wasn't talking to me and it sounded like he had given up. I didn't know what to do. “You don't need to do that,” I stuttered out.

“I'm sorry, Jane, I'm just tired. I don't know what to do with you anymore.” His voice was flat again and I felt my stomach give a sick flip.

“I mean I'm not flying back tomorrow. I'm going to stay and go to the California shows. I'll fly back on my own after. I've already made all the arrangements. I just didn't tell you because I thought you'd pitch a fit.”

Roger chuckled and shook his head. “Sounds like someone has some secrets of her own. But that's okay, right, because it's you?”

“Roger, I keep trying to apologize...”

“I'll get a shuttle to take me to the airport. You don't have to drive me.”

“Well, I was going to surprise Shannon. I had this whole thing planned out... “

Roger's expression abruptly changed. “You were going to drive me to the airport then come back and surprise Shannon? Am I following you correctly?”

“Yes...” I replied, puzzled by his odd response.

“Fine. We'll do that.” He picked the magazine up for a second then abruptly sat it back down and got up from his seat.

“Roger, I don't understand any of this.”

“We'll talk when we get back to New York, Jane. I imagine you'll have a lot more to say to me then anyway.” He walked down the steps and off the bus without another word, leaving to stew over the conversation alone.

Jared was the first to return from the shower coach and when he climbed on board I hastily turned my back to him to try to hide my tell-tale puffy eyes and blotchy skin. I felt him sit down behind me and when he gently touched my shoulder I knew he had seen.

“Well I know it's not Shannon that upset you because he's still showering off,” Jared said. “I guess you ran into Roger?” I nodded weakly, still not turning around. “It's going to be okay, Janey. Just give him a little space to cool down.”

I felt Jared's arms slip around me and I broke again, turning around and burying my face in his chest while I cried. His skin was cool and his shirt just a little damp and he gripped me tightly I felt myself relaxing into him. I knew that even if Roger wasn't talking to me he was probably talking to Jared. If Jared thought that things were still salvageable then they probably were. And if Jared was still speaking to me after the way I had yelled at him last night, everything couldn't be lost.

I let myself stay curled up against Jared's chest for a while, feeling myself relax just a bit for the first time all day. I didn't hear Tomo and Shannon when they came in.

“What the hell is going on here?” Shannon protested with a nervous laugh. I sat up quickly. I figured that surely he didn't think there was something between Jared and me, not after all the harsh words we had been exchanging, but clearly, the situation made him uncomfortable and I didn't need to be souring the one relationship I had left that was still working.

“Sorry. I had a fight with Roger. Jared was helping me calm down,” I explained as I got up and went to hug him. He wrapped himself around me, and I inhaled his soapy, ashy scent. He had definitely had a cigarette on the way back.

Shannon smoothed my hair back from my face like he usually did when I was upset or unhappy. “I'm sorry I wasn't here. Do you want to stick around or go back to the hotel early? I can take you out somewhere tonight if you want.”

The thought of going back to the hotel to climb into a nice warm bed and sleep my way through this sounded tempting. The prospect of getting very, very drunk sounded an awful lot better. “Can you take me somewhere to get plowed off my ass?” I asked.

“Anything for my baby,” he said with a laugh and kissed my forehead.

 

We cut out of there as soon Shannon was done with his post-show obligations, taking a cab to a club that was just a few blocks down from the hotel where we were staying. We ordered a few drinks and then hit the dance floor, grinding on each other until we were a sweaty mess. Some other people I recognized from the tour started to trickle in – apparently with its convenient location this club had become the go-to spot for some of the other bands and crews. When I saw Calvin come in with a small group of people I wondered just how much Shannon was going to be willing to indulge me tonight. Twenty minutes later, with the several doses worth of Special K I had managed to score tucked into the top of my boot, it was time to find out.

Honestly, I expected to find I had wasted my money and that not only did Shannon not want to join me but he was going to insist that I flush the stuff and take me back to the hotel for an early bedtime like a well behaved young lady. He surprised me by acting as if I had offered to share nothing less ordinary than an order of fries, snorting his portion and rubbing his nose before flattening me against the bathroom wall for an absolutely pornographic kiss. We came up fast, and when the euphoria hit it was like a welcome visit from an old friend. I lost myself in it completely, laughing as I recklessly continued drinking and dancing, greeting familiar faces with sloppy hugs as the club continued to fill up. The night quickly got fuzzy from there on. I barely remembered walking back to the hotel and nothing after that until I woke up the next morning, naked and splayed across the bed with Shannon passed out in the chair while someone pounded aggressively on the door.

“Hey, Sid and Nancy! Get the fuck up before you miss the bus and my flight!” Roger shouted angrily from the hallway. I glanced at the small room clock and groaned before grabbing a robe and answering the door. “We'll be down in twenty minutes,” I grumbled hoarsely.

Roger's face was red with fury. “Fuck! You look hell, Jane! What were you even thinking?”

“I don't know, the same thing you were when did the shit a few weeks ago?” Roger got a look of confused surprised on his face. “Yeah, don't think I didn't know just what you were on. I've been around this block a few times too mister”

“So you should know better,” he spat back. “I'll see you in the lobby in twenty minutes.”

When I shut the door and turned around Shannon was already in his boxers and throwing things into our bags. I quickly downed a bottle of water along with some Advil and joined him. I was too hungover to think about Roger's tantrum in the hallway. I figured I had the entire ride to the airport to listen to him hypocritically berate my choice of evening entertainment.

Shannon carried my bags down for me and helped load me and Roger into the rental. Roger took the driver's seat for himself, slamming the door with an air of impatience when I asked if he was sure that he wanted to drive. I sighed and gave Shannon a hug, telling him I'd be seeing him again soon, smiling to myself knowing that it was going to be sooner than he expected. We were still cuddling when Jared came running out into the lot, insisting on a goodbye hug from me too before leaning into the car to exchange a few words with Roger. Then we were off to catch his flight.

Roger turned the volume up on the radio to earsplitting levels as soon as I got in, making sure I understood there was to be no conversation. As hungover as I was it was like having a spike shoved into my ear and I got him to turn it back down if I promised to be quiet. We made of rest of the forty minute drive in uncomfortable silence. I was bewildered as to why he wouldn't talk to me at all about any of this. I knew I had reacted badly but we had always been able to talk through our problems before. I was beginning to wonder if this really was it, if my friendship with Roger had come to a sudden and unexpected end.

We arrived at the airport and pulled into the unloading area. As Roger got out to collect his bag I stepped out as well to take over the driving position. He stunned me by intercepting me, pulling me against his chest for a tight hug. I froze in confusion for a moment before grabbing him back tightly, my eyes pressed closed as I absorbed the familiar feel of him.

“I love you, Janey. With my whole heart. I promise. I'm sorry I'm not ready to fix things yet. I'm working on it.”

“I just don't understand, Roger,” I told him.

“If you need me you can still call me. I want you to know that,” he said before abruptly turning me loose, picking his bag back up and disappearing through the doors onto the busy concourse.

With a sense of inevitability, I climbed into the car and drove off, looking forward to at least losing myself in Shannon's arms for a few days while I tried to make sense of the mess my life had become.

 


	44. Chapter 44

 

 

I looked at the clock on the dash. It was still not quite 7 a.m. and I had a five hour plus drive ahead of me. These back to back shows didn't leave a lot of time for hanging out and catching up which is why I had wanted a longer visit, so we could maybe spend time in LA once it was over. It was also why we'd had no business going out and partying as hard as we had last night. It hadn't helped anything and now I was exhausted and hungover and desperately envied Shannon who was probably already sleeping it off in his bunk by now as someone else drove them to California. It was a horrible decision on every front, even before adding the drugs into the mix. I felt terrible for dragging Shannon down to my level.

I tried to focus on the road but I was so tired and I began to think that I still wasn't entirely sober so I pulled over the first chance I got and had a few cups of strong coffee and some breakfast. I managed to get back on the road after that, feeling at least safe to drive if not enthusiastic about it, and somehow made it to the hotel a few hours before the show was supposed to start. I had been a little surprised the guys were staying in a hotel this close to home, but Jared had pointed out the shows were hours apart and they had been on the road for months, he didn't have time to go an open up his house just for two nights. Shannon had just laughed and pointed out that these days his place was a storage unit and Jared's sofa, having given up his apartment before the tour even started. I supposed it did make sense and at this point, I was glad to have somewhere to check into that I could get a shower and a nap before I needed to be at the festival.

As late as we were out the night before, and as early as we had gotten up, I couldn't have gotten more than a couple of hours sleep. Add in the stress I had been under lately and the exhaustion from partying all night then driving all morning, and I shouldn't have been surprised when I slept right through my alarm. By the time I did wake up I realized I had missed the show. I figured they would be back here in another few hours, it wasn't worth fighting the traffic and crowds to get to the festival at that point to only turn around and come back, so I went back to sleep, my body finally insisting on getting some much-needed rest.

When I woke up again I was starving and I wondered if I should grab something or wait for Shannon. I thought by then they should be back at the hotel so I got dressed and headed down to the lobby. The desk clerk eyed me suspiciously when I asked if the band had checked in, but after checking the computer and his security log he brightened and confirmed that Shannon and crew had indeed checked in already and wrote down the room number for me. Cheerfully I headed back up to the proper floor.

As soon as I stepped off the elevator I saw Matt and Kevin in the corridor having a very animated discussion, although I couldn't quite catch what they were talking about. Kevin spotted me first and smacked Matt on the arm, causing him to turn my direction. I expected another scowl but I got a brief look of surprise and then a wide smile.

“Jane, hi! I thought you were flying back to New York!” he exclaimed as he closed the distance between us.

“Nope, just Roger,” I explained. “I was going to show up at the festival to surprise Shannon but I fell asleep. Too much partying last night.”

“Well, I'm sure he's still going to be surprised. Want me to show you which room is his?” he offered.

“No, I've got the number,” I said, waving the little paper the clerk had given me before walking off in the proper direction.

“Uhm, Jane.. wait...” Kevin said. I stopped and turned around to find that they were following down the hall right behind me.

“What?” I asked. The two of them exchanged significant looks and the smile on my face started to falter a bit.

“Never mind,” Kevin said with a sigh.

I started back towards Shannon's room but both guys were glued to my heels. Matt stopped at the door two before Shannon's and they both looked at me expectantly.

I stood in front of Shannon's door, taking in their odd behavior, measuring it against all the odd behavior of the day before, against moments tucked in the corners of my awareness, and suddenly a hundred little things that didn't add up suddenly did. I froze in place as my mouth went dry and my stomach clenched up, listening for any telltale sounds coming from within the room. My whole world just stopped, caught between breaths, and as I prayed it wasn't true I knew that this was the last moment of “before”. As soon as I knocked on that door, I crossed into “after”. I sucked one shaking, shallow breath into my already aching lungs and let my knuckles drum against the wood. My shallow raps were echoed by much deeper ones and I turned to see Matt beating at the door he had stopped in front of. There was no response from Shannon's room, but I heard a loud noise, like something falling over and I knocked again.

“Tell him to come to the fucking door,” I hissed at Kevin, stepping aside so as not to be seen through the peephole. Kevin's eyes were wide and he shook his head but Matt obliged, calling out to Shannon. The door Matt had been standing in front of opened and Jared leaned out into the hallway as Matt pointed in my direction. He didn't get a chance to say anything, however, as in that moment, Shannon's door finally opened.

“What the fuck dude, I'm busy,” Shannon barked before catching sight of me. He was sweaty and shirtless, his unbuttoned jeans riding low on his hips and his hair a tousled mess. There would have been no hiding what he was doing even if I hadn't caught a glimpse of the topless girl in the room behind him. His expression dropped immediately, his face going red, then pale as he spluttered out my name in confusion.

I honestly didn't know if my reaction was going to be tears or fury but when the girl pulled on her top while eyeing me and asking who the hell I was everything slid into the red and I just snapped. “What the fuck, Shannon?!” I shouted as I gave his bare chest a shove. “What the fuck?”

“Jane, please, please let me explain...” he pleaded.

“What could you possibly have to explain?” I shouted back. “It's not like you can accidentally fuck someone else. This isn't even the first time, is it?” Realization hit me like a truck. “Oh my God, everyone else knows about this but me, don't they? That's why they've all been so weird. Oh fuck, even fucking Roger knew and none of you told me!”

“Jane....” Jared was behind me, calling to me in that soft soothing tone of voice I had heard him use on Roger before. “Can we not do this in the hallway?”

I turned on him. “Fuck you. You knew what he was doing and you didn't say shit, didn't try to warn me at all.”

“I wanted to tell you,” Matt said. I suddenly realized that all the scowling he had been doing was when I was standing next to Shannon. It wasn't for me.

“It's not their fault, Jane. It's mine,” Shannon said. I turned around again.

“You're damn right it's your fault asshole! How could you fucking do this to me, Shannon? Did you just think I wouldn't find out and that made it okay? Fucker!” I screamed at him and gave him another shove and then Jared was behind me, pushing me into the room with him. Matt and Kevin stepped in as well and grabbed the girl Shannon had been banging, who at least had her top on now, and they led her out, closing the door firmly behind them. Shannon adjusted his jeans and started looking around, presumably for a t-shirt.

“I can't believe I fucking trusted you. I knew before I even saw you again what a piece of shit you had turned out to be. But you were so convincing on the phone....” I could feel hot tears running down my cheeks and I impatiently wiped them aside as my voice rose to a mocking sing-song. _“I'll straighten myself out. I'll be who I used to be. I love you, Janey. Please don't give up on me.”_

“Jane...”

“FUCKING LIAR!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, so loudly that words burned my throat as they flew past. “Everything that comes out of your mouth is lies, isn't it?”

I looked at Shannon and his eyes were beginning to tear up. It didn't make me any more sympathetic towards him. It made me want to punch him. How dare he fucking act like he was hurt. “Please, Jane, we can work this out, I know we can. I know I've been stupid, I'm sorry...”

“I trusted you, Shannon. I gave you my whole heart. All of it. Even when you didn't think I was. Oh god, oh god.....” my voice faltered, the tears flowing heavily now as every memory of us flashed past, every time I told him I loved him, every secret, every intimate moment. It felt like he was mocking me from every corner of my memory. "You told me. You were right. You're just a drinking, whoring piece of trash that I got stuck to the bottom of my shoe," I lamented.

“Please Jane, please, I am so sorry, please let me fix this....”

“Undo it,” I said, my knees starting to give out from under me. “Take it back.” The fury that had been holding me up melted. I knew there was nothing he could ever do that was going to fix this. I had invested too much in him. I had loved him too fast and too hard. The grief was already closing in on me, buckling my legs out from under me and taking all the air and light with it. “Take it back,” I sobbed brokenly on more time.

As I started to fall to the ground I felt Jared step in behind me again, scooping me up and carrying me back into the hallway. Kevin had gone, presumably putting Shannon's skank in a taxi, but Matt was still standing there, waiting I guess to see what drama unfolded next. I turned my head into Jared's chest, my tears immediately soaking his t-shirt.

“Janey, wait, please, we can talk about this...” I heard Shannon calling after me.

“Dude. No.” Matt told him and then Jared carried me through the still open door to his room, laying me down on the bed before slamming the door closed behind him. I curled myself into the tiniest ball possible, letting the tears come. I would have been unable to stop them if I tried. It felt like my whole world was gone. I was definitely in the “after” portion now. I didn't know where to go from here.

Jared sat down on the bed next to me and rubbed little circles on my back but didn't say a word. I remembered I was angry with him too but I didn't have the strength to carry on that war right now. I was just trying to breathe through from one minute to the next.

Eventually, I heard a knock on the door and Jared left me for a minute only to return with Tomo. I sat up angrily. “Well great, that's the whole band now. Any crew you want to parade through here too so they don't have to miss out on what a big idiot I am?” I spat out before breaking back down into tears again.

Tomo sighed. “Janey, I'm sorry. We didn't feel it was our place to get in the middle of your relationship, but for what it's worth we told him he was being an asshole.” He looked around the room and then ducked into the bathroom, returning a minute later with a roll of toilet paper that he handed to me. I took it gratefully, drying my eyes and blowing my nose.

“You don't have any bags with you. Are you staying here in the hotel? Do you have a room?” Jared asked.

I nodded and looked around the room. Jared had clothes laid out everywhere like he was getting changed to go out. “Yes. I'm sorry. I'll go back down there now. I'm sorry to drag you two into this.”

“That's not what I meant,” Jared said. “You can hang out here with me as long as you want. I'd actually feel better if you did, you're a mess right now. I'd rather you weren't alone. I thought maybe you'd like your things. You've soaked that shirt with tears.”

I looked down at the shirt he was referring to. The front was wet and streaked with makeup. I could only imagine what I looked like. “It's okay. I can go back downstairs. You don't have to bother.”

“It's not a bother. But we can go down to your room if you'd rather. Or Tomo can go with you. I just don't want to leave you alone right now.”

I sniffled again as the guys looked at me expectantly. “Why are you being so nice to me?” I asked as I burst into tears again.

“Well personally because I feel pretty shitty about letting this get as far as it did,” Tomo said. “You're a nice girl, Jane. You didn't deserve this.”

“I am not a nice girl,” I protested. I hadn't been a nice girl in a very long time. I had grown wild and reckless as I had ventured out into the world and now I was paying the price. I wasn't a girl anymore either.

“Fine, you're not a nice girl," Jared conceded in a tone that said he did in fact, still think I was very much a nice girl. "You still didn't deserve to get treated this way.”

“Fat lot you did to stop it,” I pointed out.

“Sister, you have no idea what I've been trying to stop,” he said grimly.

I looked at the clothes that were splayed out around the room. “Going out?” I asked.

“I was going to meet someone. I can do it another time.”

I blew my nose again and got up. “It's okay. I don't want to spoil your night too.” I gave Tomo a hug but everything felt numb. “I'm going to miss you guys.”

“I'm not going anywhere. And right now neither are you,” Jared said.

“I was just going to grab a drink and crash,” Tomo pointed out.

“Wait here,” Jared told me before taking Tomo out in the hallway. He came back in a few minutes later and asked for my room key before stepping away again.

I went into the bathroom and splashed some water on my face before looking in the mirror. I looked terrible. My makeup was gone, my eyes were bloodshot and puffy and my skin was blotchy. I was pale and my expression was hollow. I felt like I had been stripped of all the glamour I had carefully crafted around myself over the years and I was once again plain Jane, with the bushy hair and braces, the one who got taunted or ignored, the one who was never anyone's first, second or even third choice. The girl guys settled for until something better, something more interesting, something hotter and wilder came along. Isn't that what had just happened?

I heard Jared and Tomo come crashing back through the door and I stepped out to see them with all my belongings, dropping them on Jared's bed with a laugh.

“I didn't know what you would want so I brought it all. I can bring it back down for you later when you're ready or you can just take my bed tonight and I'll take the pull out.”

“Uhm.. thanks, I guess.” My voice was flat and I should have cared about sounding ungrateful but right now I just couldn't manage.

Tomo said something to Jared I couldn't hear and then he gave me a hug. “You're going to get through this, Jane. Hang in there.” He turned me loose and gave Jared a little wave and then he was gone.

“Okay, so I think a shower would probably help, and some comfy jammies,” Jared said, opening my bag. “What do you have in here? Do I need to loan you something?”

I pulled my overnight bag away from him and shook my head. I dug through it for my pajamas, tossing aside a t-shirt of Shannon's that had gotten shoved in there in our haste to pack that morning. “Burn that,” I told him. Jared quickly picked it up and tucked it away. I grabbed my little pouch of toiletries and locked myself in the bathroom.

Underneath the shower I lost it again, tears rending their way through my shaking body as I gripped the tile and tried not fall over from the misery and despair that were threatening to consume me. I had taken a big chance on Shannon. I had all but begged him from the beginning not to make me regret it. And now here I was, alternating between being completely numb and utterly broken, without even Roger to turn to. Screw him and his “You can call me if you need to,” parting bullshit. He knew exactly what I was walking into and let me walk into it anyway. The thought of calling him now, knowing he would be sitting there thinking “I told you so, I knew it” made my stomach turn. I was suddenly glad I hadn't eaten since that morning.

I finally managed to pull my wits about me enough to get out of the shower and into my pajamas. Coming out of the bathroom I found Jared already in his PJs as well, with bottles and snacks littering the small table by the sofa.

“I raided the mini fridge. Let's get drunk and I'll tell you my sordid story if you'll tell me yours,” he said, waving a tiny bottle of vodka in my direction. I snatched it away from him before plopping down on the sofa. I needed someone to commiserate with right now. Jared would have to do.

“Deal.”

 


	45. Chapter 45

I twisted the top off the small bottle of Absolut and downed it one gulp before rummaging around to see what other poison was available. “Fuck, I hate gin,” I said, tossing the blue bottle at Jared.

“Slow down. We don't have that much,” he pointed out.

“Then we had better get some more. Does the bar do room service? Can they send up a bottle of something?” I asked.

“I don't know where you think we're staying at princess, but room service doesn't even do room service here,” he pointed out.

“Then give me that gin back. An hour from now I don't want to feel my face.”

Jared crossed his arms and scowled at me. “Maybe this was a bad idea.”

“Yup,” I conceded. “It's a terrible idea wrapped in a bad decision on a bed of poor impulse control.” I reached for the jeans I had taken off earlier, fishing my phone out of the pocket. “I wonder what Calvin is doing...”

Jared snatched the phone out of my hand. “Come on, Jane. I know I don't have a lot of room to be lecturing but that's not going to help anything.” I stood toe to toe with him, glaring up into those brilliant blue eyes of his, my jaw locked in grim determination. “Look,” he finally said. “I'll make a deal with you. I'll get someone to bring us a bottle of something if you promise not to make any more calls to Calvin.”

“A bottle of what?” I asked grudgingly.

“What do you want?”

“Ouzo?” I suggested. He grimaced. “Fine. Anything strong. No gin.”

“More vodka?” he asked. I nodded and he took out his phone. “When is the last time you ate?”

“Around 7 this morning,” I admitted.

Jared just nodded back at me and told whoever had picked up to bring some burritos, orange juice, red bull and vodka. Once he had hung up he rifled through the pile of snacks on the table and tossed me some peanut M&Ms. “Eat those.”

I dug around through our treasure pile a bit more and came up with a bottle of Wild Turkey. “God, this mini-bar is the worst,” I whined.

“Again, where do you think we're staying.”

I started to say that on the next stop I would spring for a decent hotel room for us all when crushing realization reminded me there wasn't going to be any next stop. My affair with Shannon was over and so was my summer musical adventure. The fun I'd had, the friends I had made... it was all just a lie, a distraction to keep me from noticing what he had been up to. I dropped the whiskey back to the table and sucked in big gulps of air, trying not to break down again.

“Jane, focus,” Jared said, snapping his fingers in front of my face. When my breathing returned to normal he added “Wherever you just went, don't go there again.”

Fucking hell. That was the stupidest, most simplistic advice I'd ever gotten. “Yeah well all of us aren't emotionless robots like you, Jared.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” he protested.

I shook my head. “I don't know. I'm sorry. Telling me to just turn it off. Like I can do that. You always seem to let everything roll off you. I can't stop falling apart.”

“Who I appear to be and who I am aren't exactly the same thing,” he confessed, taking a seat beside me. “Things get to me too. I'm just better at hiding it than a lot of people.”

I popped an M&M in my mouth and then offered one to Jared, who accepted it with a smirk. “I've never been good at hiding my emotions. Even when I was a kid and getting picked on, when it would have helped a lot, I never developed any sort of poker face.” I grabbed the bottle of whiskey again and opened it, then popped another candy in my mouth and chased it down with half the bottle's contents. I may not have been starting to feel better yet but I was at least starting to feel warmer.

“You sort of terrify me you know,” he said. “You have to be strong to live like that, with your heart on your sleeve.”

I scoffed. “I don't feel very strong right now. All I feel is really stupid and really hurt.”

“You're not stupid,” Jared admonished.

“No? Literally everyone else knew what Shannon was doing but me. I thought he loved me. I thought that would be enough. Sounds pretty fucking stupid from where I'm standing.”

Jared shook his head. “He does love you, you know. He's just...”

“A lying piece of shit?” I supplied. Wisely, Jared didn't continue to defend his brother. Instead he opened a bag of chips and the gin I had discarded and joined me in drowning our sorrows in alcohol and refined carbohydrates.

We didn't say anything else. Jared watched me with a sort of grim protectiveness as I finished what little liquor had been in the mini bar and paced anxiously around the room trying not to pay attention to the movie in my head that played Shannon's betrayal over and over in a continuous loop. I couldn't believe how much it hurt, and the pain wasn't just in that moment. It bled backward into all our time together, removing the joy I had felt in reuniting with him and turning it into something cruel that mocked me for ever having trusted him and opened myself up to him. When the runner with Jared's things knocked at the door I was so relieved I nearly leaped over the bed, even knowing it wouldn't really fix anything. I didn't need booze. I needed anesthesia.

Jared unpacked the little plastic bag, handing me a foil-wrapped burrito before taking out a bottle wrapped in brown paper. “I want at least half of that burrito on your stomach before you get any of this,” he instructed.

No matter how many times I chewed each bite of that burrito it slid down my throat like an oversized jawbreaker, an uncomfortable lump that I felt as it traveled every inch of my esophagus. Jared just watched me eat then grabbed the cheap plastic cups that had been left in the room and mixed us each a drink.

“Oh god, this is fucking terrible,” I protested after kicking back a large gulp of the energy drink and alcohol concoction he had prepared. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I quickly downed the rest of the drink and then went to pour my own. I eschewed the Red Bull for a little orange juice instead, mixing it with about three parts vodka to one part juice.

“What the fuck is wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with you?” Jared grimaced as he watched me make my drink. “Fucking alcoholic.”

“Yeah well, next time I'm thinking about just showing the vodka the orange juice instead of putting any of it in my cup,” I said as I belted back another drink.

“Jane...”

I groaned. I had traded one overprotective friend for another. “Look I promised no calls to Calvin but I have got to have something to numb me a little here,” the tears started to creep in again at even this small allusion to my pain. “That disgusting thing you made and pussy ass shots aren't gonna touch it.”

Jared sat his drink down. “You know this isn't the best idea. Alcohol isn't going to fix anything.”

“I'm not trying to fix anything,” I said as I dried my face. “I'm just trying to breathe through from one moment to the next. I'm just trying to survive right now.”

“Jane...” Jared's voice was soft but full of pity. It made me nauseated. It made me want to cry. He shook his head. “I'm going to call, Roger. I think if you talk to him...”

“Don't you fucking dare,” I growled, anger resurfacing in a flash. It was if all my emotions were already preloaded, like a disc changer, ready to switch from one to the other in an instant. “If I wanted to talk to Roger I would call him my damn self.” Jared seemed to want to say something else but he held his tongue, instead sneaking some more orange juice into my glass when he thought I looked away. “Don't think I'm not still mad at you too,” I added. “You all stick together. You're all the same.”

“Jane, what do you want me to have done? He's my brother. I couldn't rat him out. I told him not to do it. I tried to interfere. He just snuck behind my back and did it anyway. If I know one thing, it's that you can't stop Shannon when he's determined to fuck up.”

I sighed and swirled the liquid in my cup with my finger. I could finally feel it starting to kick in, effusing me warmth and softening the edges of everything just enough that I could breathe without it feeling like I was inhaling broken glass. “I shouldn't have trusted him, Jared. All the signs were there before I even got involved. Why didn't I listen?”

“Jane, this isn't your fault. He meant what he said at the time, I'm sure of it. He just... “ Jared stumbled around, I'm sure trying to find an explanation for the unexplainable. “Shannon made some bad decisions. That's on him.”

I started crying again, and Jared took my drink out of my hand, wrapping his arms around me. “I know it hurts but it's going to be okay.”

“How, Jared? Exactly how is it going to be okay? I mean, Roger is right. I don't have any friends anymore outside of Roger, and now I don't even have Roger.”

“Jane, you still have Roger.”

“No, I don't,” I affirmed. “He's been pulling back, he wants more space. And he basically just threw me out here to get my heart broken thousands of miles away from home. How could he do that? He knew what was happening and he didn't say anything, didn't try to warn me, he just threw me out of the plane without a parachute.” A single sob broke loose but I pulled it back, grabbing for the rapidly dwindling roll of toilet paper that Tomo had brought me earlier. “How could he fucking do that to me? How can he justify it? He is supposed to be my best friend, my person to turn to and he knew I would need him now more than ever and he left me alone anyway. I do not, in any sense, still have Roger.”

“I'm still your friend,” Jared said firmly as he placed his hand on mine. I moved it away.

“You're Shannon's brother first. So there's no way that's going to work out. Once we all leave in the morning I am never going to see any of you again. Let's be honest here. I'm surrounded by men and they're all going away. That's how it works. I should have learned a long time ago.”

Jared shrugged and looked down at his socks. “This isn't the way I wanted any of this to be. I want to be there for you.”

I understood his dilemma. Out of everyone involved in this I was probably the least angry with him. I couldn't imagine ratting out Roger under similar circumstances, no matter how shitty I thought he was behaving. Still, this all swung hard at my most fundamental insecurities. I felt the tears returning again and this time I wasn't able to stop them as everything I had been holding in my head started tumbling out at once.

“I am never enough. I have never been enough for anyone. I thought I was for Roger, but even that fell apart. I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't graceful enough, then after I was pretty I wasn't wild enough, or outgoing enough, or sophisticated enough .. it was always something. No one has ever taken a look at me and said: “That is exactly what I want.” I thought Angus did, that's why I gave in to him, at least for once, someone wanted me as I was but it was all a lie. And then I thought Shannon did. He always saw more in me than anyone else. But it turns out that was just a lie too. I am never going to be enough. No one is ever going to choose me.” It all came out in one string of words, punctuated by sniffles and sobs and I'm surprised that Jared understood a word of it. But he waited patiently for me to finish and to blow my nose before speaking.

“I would have chosen you, Jane. I tried to, remember?”

I knew he was trying to make me feel better but I wasn't so easily deceived now. “Oh please. I was just some girl who didn't know who you were which made me a novelty. You know that would never have worked.”

Jared shook his head. “We don't know that. Every choice we make changes our path. We can't say what would have happened, but we can't go back and see either. We just have now.” He cleared his throat and peered at me intently. “I'd choose you now if I thought you'd let me. I think you're perfect just like you are. I think you're more than enough.”

I blinked at him for a moment. I hadn't even considered Jared that way in years. And surely he couldn't mean it? “Don't, Jared....”

He swallowed and turned his head away from me. “I'm sorry. I know. I just thought I should tell you.”

“You couldn't possibly....” my head was swimming, trying to decide if he was serious, trying to decide how I felt about that, remembering the mad crush I had on him in the beginning. “You have all these women.. and men.. throwing themselves at you all the time. You could have a hundred more beautiful and interesting women than me....”

“That's not true. You are so much more beautiful than you realize, Jane. And you absolutely fascinate me. You always have.”

I couldn't imagine how I could possible fascinate someone like Jared, except that sometimes I was so awkward and unsure it felt like I came from a different planet than everyone else. I guess maybe for him that was different and exotic. The more I thought about it, the more my breathing became shaky again for an entirely new reason. I could actually feel synapses in my brain shorting out as it tried to catch up. I looked at Jared again, really looked at him, the way I had in the beginning, as something other than Shannon's brother or my adversary. I knew there was no hope of any real relationship with him. He was too busy and enjoying the rock star life too much. But maybe that wasn't what I needed right now. And although he had become in my head the guy I met in a diner, the brother of my boyfriend, just another face in the periphery of friendly faces in my life, I reminded myself he was Jared Leto. The pretty face on the magazine cover. The one I had watched girls screaming over and clamoring to touch just yesterday And he wanted me, had wanted me for years. It shored up my self-esteem a little bit just to think about it. But again I thought maybe that's what he was trying to do. That he didn't really mean it. “You're just trying to make me feel better.” I protested.

Jared shook his head. “I should never have made that arrangement with Shannon to begin with. And I told him when he started fucking around that if he fucked it up with you this time, I wasn't going to wait in the background again. He has had fair warning Jane, so he can't blame us if something happens.” He swallowed deeply before meeting my gaze again, those ocean blue eyes stirring something dimly remembered in my chest. “I know I was an ass when I first saw you again, I'm sorry, and this isn't the best time, Jane, but maybe, when you're ready....”

I sat back on the sofa, taking it in. “Jared, I....” How could I tell him what I wanted when I didn't know? My heart was in pieces. I didn't think it would ever mend enough to love anyone again. Even if it did, who knew if either one of us would still be around. It took seven years to find Shannon again. I didn't want to wait seven years to feel something. I needed something now. I reached over and took his hand, running my thumb across the top of it, the different scenarios tumbling through my mind. I couldn't look at him. My blood was begging to heat and surge, thundering in my ears. What the hell was happening?

 


	46. Chapter 46

“Jane?” Jared questioned. His hand was warm, his skin soft, and I remembered a very steamy dream of a rainy day visit he had starred in. This wasn't exactly out of the blue. We had just put those feelings into a closet we didn't ever open. Now Jared had cracked the door and peeked in, and it turned out the contents were tumbling loose like some tired comedy sketch. We were facing each other on the sofa, legs tucked under us, and I let my hand wander forward, up his arm and crossing to his leg as I kept my eyes on the small swatch of upholstery between us. “Jane?” he asked again but his voice had changed, it was deeper and thicker, full of honey and want. I wasn't in love with him. I didn't even know if I wanted to see him again after all this. But I needed to feel good about myself again. I needed to connect with someone. And he was clearly oh so willing...

“You know,” I said, my voice breathy as my fingers wandered up to his firm chest, “not everything with me has to be all or nothing. It doesn't have to be a relationship, Jared.”

I finally let my eyes meet his and he blinked and licked his lips before replying. “Are you sure you want this, Jane? Because I would give anything for even just one night with you. But you've been drinking, and you're upset...”

“I'm sober enough to know what I want. And right now I just want to feel wanted again. I want you.” I leaned forward and brushed my lips tentatively against his, carefully gauging his reaction. His hand came up from his lap, sliding up my chest to cup my throat just behind my chin. He took over the kiss, pressing his mouth hard against mine, his tongue claiming me. My body reacted swiftly and intensely, palms tingling, breath quickening, numb things coming to life again. He pulled me closer as we continued the kiss, sighs and wet little noises filling the room, blotting out what I needed to forget.

Jared broke the kiss after a few moments and I whimpered in protest. “One more time, are you sure this is what you want?” he asked. I nodded enthusiastically, leaning in for another taste of him but he pulled back, stood up and held out his hand. “Come over to the bed with me then. That little sofa barely gives us enough room to even touch.”

With a smile I took his hand, gazing again into those blue eyes that had captivated me so much the first time I saw them, so unlike the hazel ones that had broken my heart earlier. I pushed my thoughts of Shannon back as quickly as they surfaced, letting Jared guide me to the bed and position me where he wanted me. We tangled ourselves together as our bodies met again, Jared nipping at my bottom lip before drawing my tongue into his mouth, his hands grasping the back of my head and keeping me close. I was stunned at the way my body was responding to him, my breath coming in deep sighs, my skin erupting into goosebumps whenever his fingertips brushed over a bare patch of it. To be honest, the only man who had ever really made me feel anything like that before was Shannon. I had always attributed it to our unique chemistry, and it was the reason I could never seem to keep my hands off him whenever he was near. I wondered about that now. I wondered about a lot of things.

Jared wasn't the only one letting his hands do some exploring. My hands made their way under his shirt first, exploring the smooth skin of his back, the turns of his sculpted shoulders and arms, his firm chest. As much as I tried not to keep comparing him to Shannon I was acutely aware of how different they were physically. I grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it upward, meeting his eyes with a hungry smirk as I slipped it over his head. He quickly returned his hand to me, lifting up my own top and trailing a series of wet kisses up my stomach. The random thought generator in my head wondered what Roger was going to have to say about all this. They weren't together anymore but Roger and I had never in all these years had a shared lover and I wondered if it was going to be strange. Then I remembered I wasn't speaking to Roger and a sudden ache filled my chest, an ache that was quickly blotted out when Jared's tongue swirled skillfully over my nipple before he drew it entirely into his mouth. The tug on my breast was mirrored by a tug deep in my sex, I could feel the walls clenching wetly against each other as he worked and the nonsense that was filling my brain vanished again.

“Jared,” I sighed, letting myself enjoy his attentions as my fingers wove their way into his long hair. He wetly trailed his tongue across my chest until it found my other breast, teasing and nipping at that nipple too until his mouth closed on it with a moan that made my skin vibrate. His hands kneaded and massaged my skin as he worked and I shifted myself underneath him until I was pressed strategically against his thigh, my hips circling as I sought to relieve a little of the ache he was building in my core. I let my hands trail down from his hair, flattening my palm against his firm chest before turning my hand to slide over the toned muscles of his stomach. He stopped me short before I could get to the top of his pajama pants, grabbing my wrist and pulling it back, pinning my hands against the mattress as his mouth trailed lower.

“Not yet,” he said, humming against the pale skin of my stomach. “If this is the only night I'm going to get with you I'm going to make sure you don't forget it. I'm going to enjoy all of you. And then I'm going to do it again,” he added as he bit down softly. _**I'm going to enjoy every delicious inch of you**_ the voice that haunted my head said. My eyes started to tear and I wiped them angrily. Fuck him. I wasn't going to let him own my head or spoil this for me.

I lifted my head to watch as Jared repositioned himself, sliding my pajama bottoms off along with my panties, trailing kisses up the inside of my legs until I felt his breath warm against my center. He smiled as he brushed his finger against my folds. “So wet for me, Janey. I love it,” he purred before flattening his tongue and making a pass up the slick crevice. I couldn't help the needy moan that escaped my throat. As my head fell back he made another pass, deeper, parting my lips to swirl his tongue around my clit. I shuddered and whimpered, my toes curling in pleasure as he continued to work my aching sex, drawing my clit into his mouth and drumming it with his tongue, his fingers invading my channel and curling against it until I was coming apart with a shout, clenching him as he drove me through that orgasm and then straight into another, leaving me shaking and breathless as he kissed his way back up my body with a grin.

“Fuck, Jane, you are so fucking perfect,” he breathed, crashing his mouth back into mine. “See how good you taste? I could stay between your legs all night, listening to those sounds you make as you come apart all over my tongue.” He pressed his tongue into my mouth again, my flavor still rich on it as he ground his hips against mine. Fuck, I loved the way he was with me, raw and hungry. It reminded me of how powerfully sexy it was just to be wanted, to be the object of someone's unbridled desire. And the more I touched Jared, the longer I was with him, the more that unbridled desire belonged to me too. I could feel his hard length pressing against me as he continued to kiss me. It was my turn to show him how much I wanted him too.

I pressed my hands against his chest until he got the idea, allowing me to roll him onto his back. “My turn for a taste now,” I told him as I moved to straddle him. Jared made a noise that was somewhere between a purr and growl as one hand caught my hair, pulling it behind my head and with his opposite hand he traced the pad of his thumb across my lower lip. I swirled my tongue over it before sucking it into my mouth, my lips closing around it with a moan while I ground my hips over the bulge underneath me. Jared watched me with naked desire, his eyes hooded with lust as he offered me two more of his fingers that I swirled my tongue around and slid between my lips, our eyes locked together the entire time. This was lust, pure and simple, and I allowed it to take over, guiding me to my next move, shutting down everything else in my mind. I placed my hands on his chest and shifted, my hips passing lower as moved my body downwards, listening to Jared growl and hiss as my teeth passed over his hard nipples. His chest was perfect, and I could have lingered there longer if I weren't so hungry for something much lower on his body. I nibbled and kissed my way down, sucking his salty skin between my teeth, leaving a few marks to remind him of where I had been. When my hands finally found the hem of his pajama bottoms he growled and lifted his hips, eager for me to release him.

I meant to tease him, to draw things out as long as possible, but when I wrapped my hand around the base of him a drop of precum appeared at his tip and suddenly I couldn't wait to get my mouth on him, to get a taste of him. He was tangy and just a little sweet, and I'm not sure which one of us moaned louder as my tongue darted over that sensitive apex and my lips closed around their prize. I continued to take him further and further down my throat, my nails tracing designs on the inside of his thighs as I listened to him moan and swear. He was more vocal than Shannon, and I loved listening to the appreciate noises he made as I worked. Those noises guided me and I quickly learned what he liked – the swirl of my tongue across his tip, the brush of my fingers underneath his balls. He was on edge quickly, and I toyed with the idea of trying to push him over, but my clit was throbbing and I was consumed with the want to have him inside me. Reluctantly I pulled away from him, drying my chin as I crawled back up his gorgeous body, ready to fully consummate whatever this was.

Jared quickly flipped me over onto my back, sliding my legs back a bit so he could rest flush against me, gripping the underside of my chin for another one of those powerful, possessive kisses. I was quickly falling under his spell, far more swept away than I had meant to be. I wrapped my arms around him, gripping him tightly when moved to nuzzle my cheek.

Jared's tongue traced the shell of my ear before he suckled at the lobe, breaking away just far enough to whisper. “Do I need protection?”.

I had to fight back a laugh. God knows where Jared had been, and as I now realized, Shannon, and of course I had to worry about Angus indiscretions, and even I seemed to be compiling a few more notches in my bedpost these days. We should probably all go and wrap ourselves in plastics and penicillin. But Jared and I had already had our mouths all over each other and so I figured that ship had sailed. My birth control took care of any other concerns. “No,” I told him, “not unless you want to.”

He kissed me again in acknowledgment, his hips making devious little circles that slid his engorged length through my slick folds, teasing my clit and causing me to growl with need. Finally he raised up and rested against his heels, repositioning me before aligning himself, sliding that gorgeous cock against me one more time before pressing into me. As he advanced, he settled back over me, bracing himself with his hands on either side of me as he fully embedded himself.

“Fuck, Jared, you feel so fucking good,” I whimpered as he set a steady, powerful rhythm that sent ripples of pleasure out from the delicate tunnel that was now stretched around him. I gripped his slim waist and braced myself, my hips meeting his thrusts as I found myself slipping further and further into bliss. He shifted again, one hand finding my breast, the other disentangling my hands so that he could slide his knees underneath him for better leverage. I moved to slide my hand between us, my orgasm was so close, but Jared grabbed my wrist, pinning my hand to my stomach as his onslaught became more aggressive. I mewled in protest, it usually took at least a little stimulus on my clit to get me to cum, but Jared just growled at me and shifted again.

“Wait for it, Jane...” he said as he grabbed my hips and shifted one more time and then I realized what he had been doing, searching for the perfect angle between us. From this new position he hit something deep inside me that sent off sparks, and as he circled his hips the pressure on my clit made my eyes roll back in my head. Once again he slipped his thumb into my mouth and I dutifully drew it in, sucking hard against it as I tried to stifle some of the screams that were trying to make their way out of my throat. I was dimly aware that Shannon was just two doors down, but I couldn't decide in that moment if I wanted him to hear me or not. I decided for the moment I didn't care, and I grabbed for Jared's arm, clutching it as ecstasy found me, my pussy closing tightly around his thick cock as I shouted his name. A few ragged thrusts later and he was doing the same, calling out my name as he twitched and spilled inside me.

A few whimpered swear words later he was collapsing next to me, both of us breathing as if we had run a marathon, too dazed to form a coherent sentence. I had only wanted to feel a little better about myself for a moment. I hadn't thought it was going to be that good. I hadn't expected to enjoy it as much as I had. And as the reality of the complex situation I was in quickly rushed back in around me I knew one more thing.

“You can't tell Shannon,” I pleaded as soon as I was able to form a sentence. Jared just rolled his head to look at me, blinking as if he didn't understand. I repeated my demand.

“I don't know why,” he finally said.

“Because I don't want you and Shannon to end up like me and Roger,” I told him.

Jared pulled me close. “That won't happen. But if it makes you feel better then no, I won't say anything to Shannon.”

I kissed him then, meaning for it to be a short pass, only slightly surprised when it turned into a lazy, lingering embrace, our tongues dancing together while we settled our bodies against each other. Maybe I was never going to see Jared again, but at least now I certainly had a great memory to take away with me.

 


	47. Chapter 47

Jared didn't let me sleep much that night, keeping his promise to make sure he made it a night to remember. Sunrise found us spooned together, Jared pressed into my back, my hand gripping his thigh as he nuzzled my neck and moved inside me. He had thrown his arm over mine, securing it in place, and he trailed his fingers to my wet and swollen sex. He strummed against my clit as I squirmed, pinned in place and at the mercy of his clever fingers, whimpering as I fell over the edge again. I had learned quickly that in addition to his considerable appetite and impressive stamina, Jared liked to absolutely be in charge. He would indulge my aggressiveness for brief moments, amused at my own hunger, before asserting himself again, claiming me with hands and teeth, teasing me until I surrendered to him again. It was a small war we played out over and over in that bed. It surprised me how much I wanted and enjoyed it. How much I needed it.

When we finished I grabbed my things and headed for the shower. I half expected Jared to join me but I was glad when he didn't. I needed a little personal time to clear my head. I didn't regret the choice I had made in sleeping with him, but I was realizing that even if it never happened again I had just further complicated everything. I felt like I had been participating in slow motion train wreck for the last year, and that every time I thought it was over one more car tipped off the rails. I was running out of cars. I was pretty sure I was at the caboose by now.

Jared smiled at me when I came out of the bathroom, giving me a quick kiss before popping in there himself. I didn't have a lot of things, I had left most of my bags in the car since this was a one night stop, but I needed to get everything together so I could check out before Shannon got up. As soon as I was dressed I found my room key from where Tomo and Jared had left it last night and hurried back to my own room to make sure they hadn't missed anything. All that was left was a t-shirt tucked under a pillow. They had done a pretty good job. When I got back upstairs I realized I hadn't grabbed the key to Jared's room and I knocked, hoping he was out of the shower. My stomach turned over sickeningly at the thought of Shannon possibly coming out of his room to catch me there but Jared was quick to respond, opening the door with a towel around his waist, and I ducked past him quickly to escape the exposure of the hallway.

“We need to get you checked out soon before anyone else is up. I know you're not ready to run into Shannon,” Jared said as he dried his hair. I shook my head in response, packing the shirt I had retrieved and checking for any more lost articles. “Give me just a minute to pull some clothes on and I'll help you out to your car.”

I waited anxiously as he finished dressing. It was still pretty early and they didn't have far to go for the show today so I figured everyone but the roadies would be getting some extra sleep this morning. I watched Jared as he pulled on some jeans, fastening them across that fit stomach of his, taking in that sculpted landscape on more time. I felt strangely ambiguous about all of it. He had been an amazing distraction, the sex had been incredible, but it was a band-aid on a bullet wound. I was still bleeding self-esteem, the flow still relatively unstaunched, and the color was going out of my world again, flattening it and making it gray. I didn't know how I was going to get through this but I just planned to keep on putting one foot forward until something presented itself.

Jared stood with me at the desk as I checked out, rubbing those small circles on my back again. I let my head fall to his shoulder, there was something warm and comforting in him and I needed that now more than ever. I was with Roger in the “I cannot explain to you enough how much I don't want Jared to be my boyfriend” camp, there were simply too many hurdles for that to be any kind of a good option, not that he was offering anyway. Not now at least. But I did think, however, that maybe he wouldn't have been the worst option in the world, under better circumstances. He had a lot of good qualities, but just like everyone in my life right now, myself included, he had some work on himself that needed to get done before he would be a good partner to anyone.

He took my hand as we walked out to the car, the early morning still hazy. As we rounded the corner to where I was parked my chest seized up and I immediately dropped Jared's hand as I heard him whisper “Oh, fuck.” from his spot beside me.

Shannon was sitting on the pavement next to my rental SUV. Judging by the condition he was in and the collection of cigarette butts that surrounded him he had been there for quite a while. I felt Jared's hand on my shoulder and he leaned to whisper in my ear. “It will be okay,” he reassured me, but I hadn't taken my eyes off Shannon. I couldn't turn my head. I could feel a panic starting but I told myself this wasn't the time. I didn't want him to see how much he had hurt me. I didn't want him to know how much power he had. I took a deep breath and continued to the car, Shannon finally noticing us as we finished our approach.

Once he saw me he quickly jumped up from his seat on the ground. He dusted himself off and glanced in Jared's direction briefly before returning his gaze to me. He didn't seem to think anything was amiss there, assuming I guess that Jared had merely offered to help me load my things back into the car. I opened the rear gate and Jared began putting my bags in while I walked around to the driver's side door.

“Janey, please give me a minute before you go," Shannon pleaded, sprinting after me.

“I don't want to talk to you, Shannon," I said with a sigh, keeping my eyes resolutely on the vehicle in front of me and not Shannon.

“I know, and you have every right to be mad at me....”

“You're damn right I do...” I agreed

“...but I'm afraid if you leave now I am never going to see you again.”

I rolled my eyes. "That's the idea anyway.”

I heard Shannon take a few deep breaths. I felt frozen in place, unable to turn to confront him, unable to open the car and leave. He continued his pleas. “Please, I just want to work this out. I will straighten out, I promise. Please give me a second chance.”

He couldn't be serious. Anger got the best of me and I turned around, trying very hard not notice how puffy his hazel eyes were. “This was your second chance. Remember? You already made me these promises. I believed you once. I'm not stupid enough to do it again.”

“Please, Jane. I love you and I know you love me...” the look on his face was sincere. I think he truly meant it. It just didn't matter anymore.

“And look how you used that against me! Did you think I was just going to look the other way? That'd you'd shed a few tears and I'd take you back?”

“It's not like that, Jane, I swear. I didn't mean for it to be this way. But once I started, it just seemed easier and easier...”

“Oh my god, Shannon!" I couldn't help how loud and shrill my voice was getting. I didn't fail to notice Jared looking around nervously, hoping we weren't attracting any attention. "Do you even fucking hear yourself? _Well, once you've screwed one strange girl, why not just keep on going....”_

“It's not fucking like that! I hate myself for being this way!”

“Yeah well, that makes two of us.”

“Jane, please. No one has ever looked at me like you do...

“And I never will again.” I knew that was one of the most hurtful things I could say to him. It tasted delicious coming out of my mouth. It still didn't stop the tears from making another appearance. I couldn't look at him without knowing what he had done. I wanted him back so bad it was killing me, but as much as he looked like the Shannon I had been so in love with, I knew that Shannon was a lie, that he had never existed at all. The man in front of me was a stranger, a stranger who had stolen something precious from me. I was a twisted mass of rage and grief, and the longer I looked at Shannon, the more overwhelmed I became. I felt dizzy, and as I gulped in air and tried to steady myself Shannon stepped toward me. “Don't! Don't you fucking dare try to touch me!” I shouted, holding my hand up to him.

“Jane...” Shannon protested, reaching for me as he continued to step forward. Then suddenly Jared was between us, facing me, smiling reassuringly and taking my elbow. “Fucking stay out of this, Jay,” I heard Shannon grumble.

Jared looked over his shoulder, then looked back at me. He gave me a conspiratorial smile and then grabbed my waist, turning me, flattening my back against the cool car exterior as he moved in for a kiss. I was too stunned to stop him, too mesmerized by the playful sparkle in his eyes. Of course, I responded immediately, my body remembering the heights of ecstasy he had driven me to the previous night, and I sighed and parted my lips, my hands finding his waist and pulling him even tighter against me. He brought a little warmth, a little groundedness back to me and the sigh I made as he pulled away was even more audible than the one I had made when the kiss began. Any respite from the ugly reality of my life was short-lived, however.

“What the fuck is this?” Shannon demanded.

“None of your goddamn business,” I pointed out, never taking my eyes off Jared. I knew if I looked at Shannon again I would collapse. I was sure Jared knew it too. That was why he had kissed me.

“Bullshit it is none of my goddamn business!” Shannon growled. He shoved Jared's shoulder. “You just couldn't fucking wait to get your hands on her, could you? Didn't even give me a chance to try to fix anything!”

“There is nothing that you can fix,” I pointed out.

“You finally got what you wanted, didn't you?” I keep my eyes straight ahead but I knew that comment was for me. “It was always Jared you were really after. You talk a good game but the minute you had a chance you ran straight into his arms didn't you?”

I took a deep breath, summoned what strength I had left, and turned to Shannon. “I loved you. I trusted you. I gave you everything and I didn't hold back and it wasn't a lie. If that's gone now that's on you. If you have no say in what I do now, that's on you. If Jared had a chance with me, it's because you fucked that all up, so that's on you too. There is no one to blame for anything that is happening now but yourself.”

“Yeah, I forced you to fuck him. And I know you did, it's written all over our face so don't try to deny it. You don't have a fight with someone you claim to love that much and then turn around and fuck their brother.”

“We didn't have a fucking fight, Shannon! You cheated on me! Repeatedly! Instant deal breaker! It is done between us. It doesn't matter what I do now, it's over. Everything is broken and you're the one that broke it.” I shouted.

“Shannon you need to go back to your room,” Jared said firmly. “Jane doesn't want to talk to you right now.”

“No, you just want to shut me up before I tell Jane what's really happening here.”

That slow-motion train wreck feeling returned and I swallowed hard as I looked for the proverbial handrail. If this, the last car, was going to jump the tracks, I was done. My mouth was dry as I asked, “What is that supposed to mean?”

Shannon laughed bitterly. “He's just playing you, Jane. He does it all the time. Sad girls are his favorite.”

“Shut up, Shannon,” Jared hissed. “You have no idea what you are talking about here.”

“I'm not surprised you took advantage of her, you do it to women all the time. I can't believe you'd do this to me though!” Shannon put his hands on Jared's chest and gave him and shove. He stumbled backward but instead of fighting back he turned to me.

“Please, Jane, don't listen to him. Everything I said to you last night was true. I swear.”

There it was again, that sick feeling in my stomach, that ache in my chest. I knew Shannon had every reason to try to keep me away from Jared. I also knew I had been drunk and vulnerable, and it was only then that Jared had shown any interest in me at all. Well, since I first met him anyway. I felt stupid and used. But as I looked from Shannon to Jared a numbness fell over me, like someone pouring a bucket of ice water over my head. There were just two men, standing in a hotel parking lot, men I didn't even know. I decided I didn't care what was going on here. I wasn't about to trust either of them. I was done trusting anyone. I quickly unlocked the car and climbed inside.

Jared pounded on the window, calling my name, but I was done, the ice water filling my veins as I continued through the slow-motion catastrophe. I dropped my purse on the seat beside me, buckled up and started the car. I could see Shannon pacing back and forth in the empty parking space next to me. When I put the car into gear Jared threw up his hands, stepping back enough not to get his feet ran over, but he still called after me as I backed out of the space. I was strangely calm, like none of this was even happening to me, and I watched dispassionately as they and the hotel disappeared from the view in my mirror. I had no idea what I was doing, what direction to drive in, where to go. I made it six blocks before I had to pull into the parking lot of a Carl's Jr. and catch my breath. The minute I was off the road everything switched and the tears came again, flooding my vision, and I was too beaten now to fight them off.

I sat in that parking lot for twenty minutes, my knees pulled up against my chest as I gripped them tightly and sobbed my heart out. I couldn't keep driving but it didn't matter anyway. I had nowhere to go. My remaining plans for this trip were built around following Shannon. If I wanted to rebook my flight that just took me back to New York, and Roger, and I didn't feel like I lived there anymore either. As Roger had pointed out, I had been pulling back from people for years. I had no real friends left. I had no one to turn to, the only place I had to go now was a childhood home with elderly parents who would not understand what was going on and didn't need this level of worry. I was alone in a rental car in the parking lot of a burger joint in Irvine, California, pretty sure I was having some sort of nervous breakdown, trying to wipe the snot off my face with a tired napkin I found in the glove compartment, left behind by god only knows who. It was thin and cheap, the kind that came out of those little dispensers on restaurant tables. The kind they use in diners.

Suddenly I knew where to go.

 

Twenty minutes after I had left the hotel my phone began blowing up. A quick glance at the screen told me it was Roger. I assumed that Jared called him after the clusterfuck in the parking lot. After the third call, I selected answer, screamed “FUCK YOU!!!!” at the top of my lungs and hung up again. He didn't get to turn his back on me while I swam into shark-infested waters and then show up with band-aids after I'd had my foot bitten off.

The phone rang several more times as I drove, once from Jared and once from Shannon, and I marveled at their nerve. I needed to get away from all of them, it felt like they were poisoning me. I started to think like a fugitive. I stopped at a bank and made a large withdrawal, carefully stashing the cash away. I figured they already knew I was in the Los Angeles area, so I didn't need to worry about leaving a trail quite yet. I'd decide the rest once I got to the diner. I considered throwing my phone out but I had elderly parents to worry about. I needed to be able to get in touch with them. Maybe I'd get one of those burner phones they were always talking about on crime shows. I'd figure it out as I went.

It took about an hour of driving around but I finally found myself in front of the diner. It looked exactly the same as it had seven years ago. I parked and checked my face in the mirror, and though I looked a mess I didn't look like I was going to collapse in that moment so I figured it would have to do. I grabbed my messenger bag and went inside.

The booth I wanted was taken, so I had a seat at the counter, ordering a Coke and fries that I knew I would never be able to eat. I poked at them and swirled my drink, trying to look normal, dabbing my eyes with a quickly growing pile of napkins when I thought no one was looking, my head racing with the events of the last 24 hours, until the couple that had been occupying the booth I had been waiting for, our booth, left. I quickly got up and carried my drink and fries over, not even waiting for the table to be bused. I pressed myself into the corner, taking out notebooks, positioning my drink and fries carefully, tears starting to spill down my face again.

The busboy came to clear the table, a teenager with a face like a 50's sitcom, and he looked at my teary expression with concern. “Hey lady, are you okay?” he asked as he wiped the table down around my belongings. I nodded and then shook my head, the mixed signals making him crease his forehead and pause.

“Does Maxine still work here?” I asked hopefully.

“I'm sorry, ma'am I don't know who that is,” he replied.

I shrugged. “That's okay,” I sobbed, fresh tears splashing onto my arms. He looked like most teenage boys who were faced with a crying woman looked -- panicked.

“Mike the cook has been here forever. I'll ask him,” he said before hurrying away. I dried my face and opened a notebook. I still didn't know what I was doing exactly. I was hoping if I sat here long enough something would happen, something would occur to me. It had happened once before. I need another lightning strike.

Mike popped out of the kitchen before long, the smile on his face melting when he saw me. I dried my eyes again, trying to look as stable as possible but I knew I was kidding no one. “David says you were asking after Maxine?” he questioned.

I nodded. “I used to come in here and she was always so nice to me...” I blubbered out. I had given up trying to look calm. I was failing miserably.

Mike's voice was soft when he answered. “She retired a couple years ago. Moved out to the valley to help out with her granddaughter.”

I nodded. Somehow I had never pictured Maxine as anyone's mom, as a real person at all. She was still the angel from my story. “Thank you,” I said.

“You okay, hon? Can I call anyone for you?”

I shook my head quickly. “No. I'll be okay. I have money if that's what you're worried about. I can pay for my food...”

“I'm sure you can. I didn't mean anything by it. I've just... I've got a daughter and I'd hate to think that if she was in trouble no one would help her. You look like you're in trouble.”

I shook my head. “Not like that. I just need somewhere to figure things out.”

Mike nodded. “Okay. But if you change your mind, you tell them to come get Mike out of the kitchen, okay?”

I nodded again and thanked him. I wondered if this whole diner was populated by angels.

I stared at the notebook in front of me for a while, ignoring the buzzing of my phone. I tried to make myself think of something else, to maybe figure out my next move but I just wasn't ready. I was still grieving Shannon and processing what was happening between Roger and Jared and myself. Every time I would feel like I had my head wrapped around it I would remember something else and fall to pieces again.

I didn't touch my fries but I did go through the glass of Coke pretty quickly with all the crying I was doing. The waitress stopped by when it was empty, offering a refill and asking if I needed anything else. I felt like I should order something, I was hogging up her table, and the request was out of my mouth before I even thought about it. When she returned with the hot mug of coffee and the slice of chocolate pie I slid them across the table, positioning them carefully in the spot in front of me while my hands shook.

“Oh good, honey. You have someone coming in to meet you?” the waitress asked hopefully. I shook my head and she gave me a puzzled look but left it be. I made sure to slip her a generous tip when her shift ended, closing out my tab to start a new one when the next waitress came on, ordering more food I didn't touch and repeating the process with the night waitress came on. She didn't seem to be inclined to put up with my shenanigans so I collected my things and went to hide in the car.

I didn't know where I was going until I got there but I found myself in the parking lot of unremarkable apartment complex on Jamaica Street, staring at the stucco building and wondering just where in the hell it all went so wrong. I closed my eyes and I could see our place just as we left it, Roger placing my keys on the kitchen counter, Shannon holding the throw from our sofa, a skeleton assortment of furniture and odd and ends waiting for Jefferson to come and clear them out. I would trade anything to be in that crummy little apartment again, before my world burnt down. I climbed into the backseat and balled up some clothes under my head and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up early the next morning with the sun streaming into the car. I still had several more days left on the rental and no idea what I was doing next so I fished around for some clothes that didn't look too rumpled, changed right there in the parking lot and went back to the diner

I ordered more fries and another Coke, took my booth and got out my notebooks and this time my laptop. I had several spare batteries for the laptop but my phone needed a charge and so I plugged it in there before once again contemplating what to do with my life. My heart didn't feel any less broken. I didn't feel any less deceived or betrayed. There was no clarity emerging from the shadows, but I figured it didn't matter. I could keep waiting. Something would happen if I waited long enough.

My phone began to buzz again that afternoon and I looked at the screen to see that this time it was Mitch calling. Fucking Roger. I picked up the call.

“Janey? Hey, what's going on?” Mitch asked and I could hear the concern in his voice. I was so pissed. I wonder what Roger had told him.

“Oh, nothing much. Just met a band of aliens in the desert and we're waiting for the mothership to come back so we can blow this crappy planet,” I said sarcastically.

“Why aren't you speaking to Roger?” Mitch asked, ignoring my smart-assed remark completely.

“Why did Roger say I'm not speaking to him?” I retorted.

“Come on, Janey. People are worried about you. Roger is threatening to file a missing person's report. Where are you?”

“Right where I need to be right now. And if Roger was so concerned about where I might end up then maybe he shouldn't have ditched me 2500 miles from home.”

“Butch, come on. I know you haven't had the easiest year...”

“You don't know jack shit about my year,” I spat back. “Look. I'm a grown woman with a hefty bank account, a wallet full of credit cards and a passport. I am fine. I am going to be fine. When I want someone to know where I am I will tell you,” I added before disconnecting the call and slamming my phone down. I took a few a deep breaths. Then I thought about what I had said.

I was a writer. My next novel in this series was due in eight months but the publisher had already offered to extend the deadline owing to my head injury. I was already three-quarters of the way done with it so I didn't really think I needed the extension but it was nice to know it was an option. I could write from anywhere. I had been flying so I had my passport in my bag. I had cash and a few changes of clothes. I could go anywhere. I could disappear. I could start over.

I threw everything back in my bag, dropped a few hundred dollar bills on the table and walked out of the diner. I had made a mess of my life, and I stood idly by while other people made it into an even bigger one. I let myself drift on the ocean, rudderless, for far too long. I needed to pick myself back up. I needed to find myself and my direction again. And I didn't need other people to do it for me. To hell with all of them, with Shannon and Jared and Roger too. I would never trust another man. I would learn to be enough for myself.

I dropped the rental car at the airport and strolled through the concourse, perusing the departures board, weighing my options. My phone continued to buzz in my purse. I would have to do something about that later. I had no intention of speaking to anyone but Mitch and my parents from here on out. I chose a flight to somewhere I had never been before. I made the arrangements, stopped at the duty-free shop for supplies and bought a fresh notebook. In no time I was gazing out a first-class window, drink in my hand, while we taxied down the runway. As soon as we were in the air I laid the notebook out in front of me.

Shannon had stolen my heart years ago. I had let him. When I saw that he might be unworthy, I had tried to take it back, but one look in those golden eyes and my resolve had faded. I had let Jared sweep me away too, when I should have been wary, when I should have been looking out for myself. I had fallen for man after man who was not worthy of me. I had let people disappoint me. I had been let down by the one person I thought would always have my back. I had been naive, I had been dependent, I had been blind. I needed to work on myself. I needed to learn to be enough for myself. Shannon had once again taught me a lesson, one I didn't think he intended to, but one I had needed all the same. I looked at the blank sheet in front of me and wrote down the lyrics to the song that had been on repeat in my head the last two days.

 

All ye maidens, heed my warning

Never trust the hearts of men

They will crush you like a sparrow

Leaving you to never mend

They will vow to always love you

Swear no love but yours will do

Then they'll leave you for another

Break your little heart in two

 

On the opposite page I wrote:

18 August, 2003

Day One

I am free.

 

I would carry that notebook with me for the next four years. I would throw my phone into the sea in Mombasa. And though it would take years, even though I had vowed not to, I would eventually speak to all three of them again.

 

 

 

 


End file.
